help me figure out what's wrong with me

[Newyearsameold]

I feel awful. I'm a regular namechanger on here, as I feel like i want a safe space. I got dumped twice in 2014 after v intense relationships. I'm so so lonely.

Had a date this week, got ridiculously drunk - was v embarrassing and attention seeking. Talked to everyone everywhere (think I was trying to show my date how popular I was) and ended up staying at his. He clearly doesn't want to know now - v distant texts.

I'm not interested really, just feel rejected, hugely rejected. I keep crying, not about him, about my exes and being a single parent and being crap at my job, at my relationships, at my life. I'm very flat. Feel cheap and pathetic and embarrassed. I rarely drink but when I do, I'm a total fool.

Sorry, that was very garbled. I just feel like a total fool.

Snap - dumped twice too in 2014. I'm a loner & think loneliness is the worst feeling. Had a cr4p year.
Do you have many friends? family? tho I do not talk to my family about personnal matters. You might? Visit your GP. Try and avoid alcohol, it serves no purpose. Take care x

Thanks albal14, it's the worst. Sorry to hear you've been through it too. I'm leaning on my friends a lot, but I feel v needy. I'm taking anti depressants and having counselling, but I don't seem to be progressing. I agree I need to avoid alcohol. I'm reacting badly to it.

Hey, OP. I am not medically trained or anything like that. But many years ago I was similar to how you sound. Then, one day, when checking over my moles I found a big red button. Next to it was a label which said...

"Push Here If You Try Too Hard".

It took me a long time, but eventually I pushed it. I stopped trying too hard and guess what?

Go on, guess........

Did everything happen for you? I don't know how to stop trying.

But I do always feel like I've something to prove

Like if someone says I'm outgoing - after a few drinks I'm extra outgoing. Too outgoing. Or if someone says I'm charismatic, I try to be charismatic. I just don't know how to just...be

Yay.......Hello

Yes it did. There was a horrible period where....nothing happened . That's because I wasn't 'making it happen' and because I was always in their faces that's all they ever knew then nobody recognised me. But eventually, when it seemed like I had changed, when people could see the real me, not the person who I thought I was should be, then it was like Spring arriving. And people came to see me, wanted to spend time with me, were very interested in me, had to fight them off with a 's*ty stick' eventually. And omg that felt great. But stopping doing what I was doing was as hard as......stopping any vices...yes really. I had to start enjoying my own company, liking me, being happy with myself, in my own company, accepting I was a fool (and that's OK of course), and for you accepting that its OK to be a single Mum and that you are still fantastic, desirable and you have so much time on your side that someone will find you anyway. If only you didn't try so hard. That's my take on it, for now. As I often post, everything I ever say could be wrong. But it is probably right and wrong, depends on the reader.

Relax. Enjoy what you have, every small moment, it will get better. It is always in the small things.

What have you got to prove?

Go on.....what?

I just don't know how to just...be

How to be what OP?

How to be what?

Did you mean....

I just don't know how to just...be...me

Well, you are you. You are already there. So, why are you trying to be somebody else?

I don't think there's anything wrong with you as such. You sound rather lonely, low on companionship/fun, slightly desperate to be loved/liked, and focusing a little too much on the things going wrong in your life. Add alcohol to that little lot and you'll end up either going totally OTT or getting mega depressed... or both.

I'd have thought the solution is going to involve building your confidence and appreciating yourself more. You need the type of friends and family around you who are going to cheer you up and boost your self esteem. You need work and leisure activities that give you a sense of accomplishment. And you need to take stock of all the positive things in your life - count your blessings.

newyear did you have two short relationships the latter of which ended (from his perspective) because of alcohol too? Ever so sorry if I'm outting you or if this isn't you but if it is...you need to take a break! Seriously!

If it isn't then you could probably do with one anyway (but potentially less urgently than other poster) and perhaps you should think about addressing your relationship with alcohol, too.

All in all January is probably a good time to take off alcohol and dating and gain some perspective. February too...

Yes I think so. I think the low self esteem is making me go OTT when drunk. I am trying to be somebody else I think. Then I get frustrated when people don't like the pretend me! At work I'm quiet and introverted, polite, get on with the job. In front of the kids I teach, I'm close to the real me, or with my best friends and family. Out on dates or with people I want to impress, I'm this horrible, loud, sparkly person who no one could put up with long term. Dramatic and drunken and attention seeking.
This guy is just yet another rejection. Even though I don't want him and he probably didn't like the fact that I was attention seeking and talking about my exes

I sound awful

Dirtybadger yes that's me.

The thing is, I don't drink at home at all. I can go a week or more with not a drop. But I binge drink

I keep crying about my exes
So you had some great life experiences, felt loved, know what love is, and can do it all again, when you are you

and being a single parent
Total respect for you doing that, and how great to have the commitment to raise a young person into this world on your own

and being crap at my job
You have a job, and there would have been some good things you did. Remember, its in the small things.

at my relationships
See above (all of them). Its normal.

at my life
You have one, don't waste it. Don't waste a minute of it.

Feel cheap and pathetic and embarrassed
Your turn today, someone else's tomorrow. Mine probably.

I rarely drink but when I do, I'm a total fool
It's a problem . You don't need any more. Its a drug, so if you cannot control it, don't.

Leaving your insecurities aside, you look good to me.

Deserttrek thank you, that really does help. Yep - the alcohol has to go. I can't drink moderately and it affects my mental health too. I guess I need to find out who I am, rather than maniacally bouncing around looking for scraps of affection to bolster the remnants of my self esteem

Sounds like a great plan OP...
You are perfectly normal, and different because you are you.
Keep you, its so much better than anything you could imagine.
Sweet dreams.

You know what, we've all been there... whether it's trying to impress a date, new friends, your boss- most people have got drunk and been embarrassed afterwards at some point! You are human, don't beat yourself up about it!

Take some time and be kind to yourself. Call a friend and laugh about the bad date. Give your DC a cuddle and remember how much they love you.

I am in a similar situation to you... Dumped twice last year, swore off dating for a while, that didn't last, I've got a 2nd date this week! Single mum, trying to juggle lots of balls in the air.

It will be fine, you will be fine. Don't worry about the date. Put it down to experience, you will laugh about it one day!

Okay in that case you 100% need to take 6+ months away from men. Find something else!

I can be a bit of a twat after a few drinks (massive understatement and I promise you I will have been worse than you, unfortunately and with great shame) and have really struggled with problematic drinking on and off...so I really get that part of the issue. My drinking is always more of a problem when my self esteem is low or I am feeling depressed. In the absence of those I can be pretty moderate and fun. Fortunately as I become more self aware I know on what nights not to bother because it will end badly.

Stop drinking. Address self esteem. Stop dating. Review in 6months? Please

And by the way although you may be infuriating (listen to MN advice goddamn it!) you sound lovely and normal. We all get lost now and again.

I'll definitely stop drinking. It'll cut my social life down, but tbh I'm not exactly enjoying it! I am infuriating, dirtybadger - my friend is banging her head against a wall in an effort to get me to stop dating! Thank you for saying I sound lovely and normal as well - lost is exactly how I feel right now. I think in my head that I am the worst drunk in the world. Singing songs to strangers, asking men about their beards, getting into debates etc etc. Then it's utter shame and mortification.
The problem with dating is that I want to make it right. I want to do everything right and make a man stay this time. I think if I keep trying I will.
I don't know why my self esteem is so low either. I know I'm attractive enough and reasonably intelligent. And if I don't act like a drunken fool I'm ok. I just feel v bad about myself and as if I don't deserve love.

Waiting for cbt too - on the list

Just got to work. Still feel pretty awful this morning. Keep thinking about my last ex and how lovely he was.