help me figure out what's wrong with me

[Newyearsameold]

I feel awful. I'm a regular namechanger on here, as I feel like i want a safe space. I got dumped twice in 2014 after v intense relationships. I'm so so lonely.

Had a date this week, got ridiculously drunk - was v embarrassing and attention seeking. Talked to everyone everywhere (think I was trying to show my date how popular I was) and ended up staying at his. He clearly doesn't want to know now - v distant texts.

I'm not interested really, just feel rejected, hugely rejected. I keep crying, not about him, about my exes and being a single parent and being crap at my job, at my relationships, at my life. I'm very flat. Feel cheap and pathetic and embarrassed. I rarely drink but when I do, I'm a total fool.

He may have been lovely but he wasn't right for you, otherwise he would still be around. If he was right for you he would have seen through a drunken night, had a laugh about it, made you not feel stupid, forgotten it.

He was part of the journey to finding your self esteem and then the right person.

I'm lost too, but for different reasons. I'm trying to find me after a traumatic 3 years. I'm not going to rush it, rush me or expect a man to help me find the new me. It's frustrating because I want to feel strong with a good sense of 'me'. But it's going to take time.

The time taken to invest in you will be worth it in the long run. Take time away from dating, because that's a sure fire way of exasperating all of your current insecurities.

The only thing currently "wrong" with you is that you don't appear to feel comfortable in your own skin, and are setting too much store on romantic relationships to shore up your sense of self-worth.

Everybody feels like that, at times. It's ok.

The answer is to realise that romantic relationships are NOT a replacement for good self-esteem, that they are NOT the be-all and end-all of a good life, and that what IS the be-all and end-all of a good life is to love and accept yourself, just as you are right now.

What do you think would work best for you to boost your self-esteem? In no particular order, here's a non-exhaustive list of things that work for many people:

• exercise (does great things to your brain chemistry, not just your body!)
• creative activities (hobbies, making stuff)
• spending time with people who love and accept you as you are (good friends)
• socialising and meeting new people (could be done through a class, a volunteering group, or just becoming more social with the people you already know, which tends to expand your social circle as you get invited to more stuff ...)
• reaching small personal goals (putting up a shelf, running a 10k, going on that trip of a lifetime...)
• meditation, mindfulness
• positive affirmations

It is a new year, but the "same old you" is already good enough just as she is!

Thank you both. I'm just so lonely really. Feel panicky today

Yep, totally understand.
It's that feeling that sometimes make us take bad relationship decisions. And that's the feeling that will totally abate with better self-esteem.

Is anyone around? I'm in need of motivation!

Thanks goats, I do need to work on self esteem

Then, one day, when checking over my moles I found a big red button.

Deserttrek

What on earth does this mean? Is "checking over my moles" some kind of euphemism for black dog depression? (ie. checking the animals burrowed in the ground) Or do you literally mean "checking [skin] moles for cancerous changes?

Or is this some kind of i-pad predictive text weirdness?

No idea!

Then it's utter shame and mortification.

Newyear - this is very very common following alcohol drinking. It has a name - Alconoia. Alcohol induced paranoia. It's perfectly normal.

I wonder whether you may have some traits of borderline personality disorder - I'm not a mental health professional and am just throwing it out there for consideration- but being super-need of approval and co-dependency is a typical symptom.

Self it is a joke!! Nobody actually has a big red button they hadn't noticed sticking out of them...

and isn't "utter shame and mortification" also called Waking Up the Morning After and Realising you Made a Tit of Yourself and Vowing never to Drink Again?

Er.. . yes Kouign dear. I was specifically asking about the phrase "checking over my moles" and what the intended meaning was.

Selfloathing - I do wonder. I have a history of Bulimia, some self harm in my teens. Some v attention seeking behaviour. Feeling an unstable sense of self. I'm having counselling. But I don't feel it's just depression. I don't know. But I function reasonably normally.

newyear I am back to remind you you're a good person. I think you need regular reminding.

So you pretend to be someone else and your date rejected that someone else. Brilliant, OP.

You do actually sound very nice and if you allowed your dates to meet that nice person you are, you might get a different result. But deserttrek has already given you great advice. Start to enjoy who you are and what you have.

Well you know that saying that is something like 'yes you could be weird but don't discount the idea that you are hanging around with wankers' .. or some thing.

I have spent the last ten years in a town and culture where being chatty, emotional, passionate, apprachable, friendly, analytical, amusing, devilish sense of humour etc are all seen as negative traits, whereas I come from a twon and culture.. and have an old friendship group where these are all positive traits.

A counsellor put it to me like 'you aren't with your tribe at the moment' It is frustrating when people ignore one aspect of you because they want you to be someone else or 'enough for them to handle' I get it all the time at work as all the things I bring that are positive, creativity ideas and motivation, are at odds with the 'acceptable' and its very draining.. as its like one aspect of you is not supposed to exist.. but it does!.

I have a friend who when I get 'sociable me' calls me mad, fidgity amd manic. Guess which friend I don't go out with or see when I'm in a good mood. I say all this to try to show that I understand and don't think its you

I think that you need to separate.. and feel.. the feelings of disappointment about what you would have liked the relationships to be from your own knowledge that you couldn't be yourself around them without feeling like you were doing something wrong. Some people are pricks and don't join in with your world.. so let them be. Don't change for them.. seek out more people who are like you. . theres always people like you somewhere! Be With people who make you feel normal not with people who make you feel awkward!
If you want to behave differently then try it.. and seek out people who do like to be widely sociable on a night out.

SelfLoathing

I have not got a clue what you are talking about at 22:37. Other than you seem to be taking things too seriously. The OP is perfectly fine, normal, nice, good, lovely, beautiful in fact. We are all standing on the top of the mountain watching her losing her way meandering in the valley bellow, shouting out that she can turn left and right and find the track again. Though she cannot hear us, but will find that path again. As another poster put it, we all get lost sometimes. Crikey, I have done and felt much worse. (Of course we are not literally watching her meandering in the valley.......)

Apologies for butting in, I also think you sound like a nice person. What's coming across to me is that you maybe suffer with anxiety in these situations - hence the alcohol - hence the behaviour. Maybe social phobia ? I'm not an expert

Can you suggest a date where there is something active you can do together - to take your mind off being 'scrutinised' by someone new.
I am out of practice dating - so no idea if that's appropriate.

Hope your ok. Recognise your symptons, just knowing someone is there for you and is thinking of you means so much. You are not forgotten, take care x

Just wanted to add a message of support because you sound so miserable and I'm pretty sure you are actually great and things are no way as bad as they seem.

Op, you sound like a friend of mine. Gorgeous, lovely and a bloody nightmare after a drink. She is lonely too, after a miserable break up but decent blokes run a mile when she offloads on them. She gets into situations where she finds herself in clubs alone and in a total drunken state. One night she got thrown out of a club and a stranger had to help her home as she couldn't walk.

We once set her with up a lovely single friend of ours, she turned up, had a glass of wine and told him how she was "damaged goods" and to steer clear. Then was upset when he did.

It's so frustrating as the real, sober her is amazing and deserves a lovely partner. She should just never ever drink and I think is realising that for herself.

Please carry on with your counselling and just try and relax. Find a time absorbing activity you enjoy to help you stop being so needy with others. I like the analogy of pressing the red button. Just do it

Hey OP, new day and its the weekend tomorrow... yay! Friday night, nothing big, nothing special, Friday is just like any other night.

Nothing is expected of you tonight

There is one 'friend' that you need to be cool with this weekend. In fact, do not hook up with them at all. This is the 'friend' that has been there for you when you thought you needed them, always been a great support to you or so it seemed at the time. This 'friend' has always been waiting for you at the bar before you get there (waiting there for all of us), they have built you up during the course of the early evening, but by the end of the night they have dumped you. Very solidly dumped you. You should change your relationship with this 'friend', and only invite them back into your life, on your terms, when you are ready to have them back. They are not a real friend, not a true support, and this 'friend' has let you down badly. So, it is your turn to dump this 'friend' this weekend, until you are ready to let them back, and only then on your terms.

I will try to post later, but today is brutally vertical for me, so perhaps this evening.

Have a great day. Just be you. You, is good.

Thank you so much for the support - it really means a lot that people care and don't think I'm terrible.

what upset me was that I stayed over at this guy's house - not something I'd normally do- I was so drunk. We didn't have sex, but stuff happened. And he still didn't want to see me and it all feels so sordid. I don't even think I really liked him. I feel ashamed.

Deserttrek - I will try to have an alcohol free weekend. I think I can do it.

Its not necessarily a reflection on you if he is being quiet after the weekend. It might be because he is daft and has an idea of 'perfect girlfriend' that you messed up by being real. It might be that he thinks he has got what he wanted. It might be that he is unsure whatto do and instead put that on you. It could be he is secretly still in love with his ex and can't move on. It could be he wanted an easy time but finds you fascinating and powerful and its freaked him out. It could be he doesn't think he's good enough for you!

Also, if you don't really like him. No biggie. Life's too short to change ourselves for people we don't even like!

Well, I have decided to have an alcohol free weekend too.

Problem. We have guests tonight. The wine will be opened. It will smell and look good, and I am sure it will taste nice with the food, and I am sure I will get offered a glass and people will say "Go on have one. It's the weekend". And I will say no, and they will ask me again and say "why ever not?" and look at me as if there is something wrong with me (as they will surely do). But I won't have one, because I can always have a glass another day. I can do that at any time. I control everything.

So, I will be honest and I will tell you if I have a drink over the weekend. But I do not intend to now. Because I can have one another day, I won't lose anything by not having one, the seas won't stop coming in, my house won't fall in value by not having a drink, and it won't stop me from having a good time. There won't be any loss, by not having a drink.

Just stop, and make your choice each time a drink is offered, or you are egged on. It's hard, but give it a go. See if by Monday you are worse off. I doubt it. You will feel a whole lot better and stronger. And more like you.

Hi OP , I think I may have posted on a very old thread of yours about anxiety. (Sorry if I have that wrong). Anyway. You are an intelligent, sparky woman. I believe you have quite a lot of self-awareness yet keep falling into the 'dating' trap. Maybe you really, definitely, absolutely would benefit from a moratorium on dating. I wonder if your self-esteem is intrinsically tied to your feelings of attractiveness or 'dateability'?

If you are who I think you might be, you know your worth professionally, as a mother etc. but feel that without an adoring partner you are diminished somehow. I understand the desire to be in a relationship. Most people do. But I wonder if you feel so unhappy alone/devoid of loving attention/scared that you might 'end up' alone that you repeatedly 'put yourself out there' when you have not recovered from your grief/shock at the end of your recent relationships.

You come across as such a lovely, caring and insightful person. Please start focusing on you.

Vinegar, you're right - life is too short to worry about someone you don't even like. Just feel a bit used. If he didn't like me, he should have put me in a taxi home.

Thanks deserttrek, let's see if we can both do an alcohol free weekend.

Bringmetea, possibly - I also used to post on the dating threads. I think you're right - I'm afraid to take time out from dating in case I miss the boat.