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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

my friend fancies my dh

74 replies

paraniodwife · 19/04/2004 14:42

I have a friend who is an amazing flirt.She has no partner at the moment and has just moved into her own place.Keeps asking my dh to do jobs for her.The other night she said to him in front of me that if he wasn't married to me she would make a move on him.First reaction f####king cheeky cow.My dad left my mum for another woman and this woman used to sniff around my mum telling her how lucky she is and want a great man he was bla bla.Am I right to have my guard up? Has this happened to anyone else.I am a long time poster but have changed my nickname

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Nutcracker · 19/04/2004 14:44

Yes you are right to have your guard up. Perhaps wouldn't let on to dh that you are worried though as he will think you don't trust him.

CountessDracula · 19/04/2004 14:45

Take it as a compliment! She hasn't said that she is going to make a move on him, in fact quite the opposite.

A friend of mine once said to me that if I ever dumped him she would be first in the queue for dh - I thought that was rather sweet. Maybe I am just a bit simple

Nutcracker · 19/04/2004 14:45

Also YES she is a cheeky cow. I would of said something to her.

rae1973 · 19/04/2004 14:48

Hiya

I have also got a friend and 'MY SISTER' of all people who fancy my dh and to be honest i find it very amusing and quite often feel smug in the fact that they can only want him whilst I have him. My dh didn't know I fancied him for weeks he is that blind to a womans come on, so the reaction I got from him when i told him the obvious was hilarious.

I don't feel either of them are a threat, especially my sister as we are no longer in contact due to other reasons.

On the other hand, I understand how you feel after what went on between your mum and dad, try not to let it ruin your friendship, but make it quite clear that you will not accept her coming on to your hubby in any way shape or form.

I did this by slipping it into conversation one afternoon over a cup of coffee.

HTH

Twinkie · 19/04/2004 14:51

I would go on about a certain characteristic that DH hates (e.g. my DP hates long hair) - just make sure the characteristic applies to her!!

Cheeky cow - DPs best friend's wife fancies him - I just feel quite smug that he is mine - she is going to be fuming when she finds out I am pregnant too!!!! he he he - wicked litle laughing fit now

Original poster
paraniodwife · 19/04/2004 14:57

just don't want to be taken for a mug like my mum was I suppose.It has already affected the way I feel about her.She is slim,attractive and I do feel threatened.

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SenoraPostrophe · 19/04/2004 15:03

I agree with CD - I don't think you have anything to worry about: at least she said it in front of you.

She's possibly flirting with him because it's "safe" - he's taken so it's not going to go any further or get messy.

It's a compliment to you really.

wobblyknicks · 19/04/2004 15:05

There is a very extreme solution - move to Hong Kong. There is a law there that a betrayed wife is allowed to kill her aldulterous hubbie, but only if she does it with her bare hands. BUT she can kill his lover in any way she wants to. That should put him and any other women off!!!

Am not trying to make fun though, seriously I think your friend is really pushing, she should keep her hands off and her thoughts to herself.

littlemissbossy · 19/04/2004 15:10

Cheeky COOWW!! I would not be at all amused by this. Follow twinkie's advice r.e. remarks aimed at her. If that doesn't work, then speak to her, I good friend would not do this.

goosey · 19/04/2004 15:12

Disgraceful behaviour, and yes - I would feel threatened and on guard too. The trouble with men is that they can be sooo slow to pick up subtleties and also quite enjoy the attention before they realise the danger.

Original poster
paraniodwife · 19/04/2004 15:14

you hear so many stories though of husbands running off with the best friend in only happened last year and that was a man his wife ran off with his friend.Wobblynicks that made me l.o.l I will tell him all about Hong Kong when he gets home.

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Helsbels · 19/04/2004 15:17

I wonder at the title of this thread 'my friend (???) fancies dh'. I would wonder about your 'friendship'. Just because it happened to your mum does not mean it will happen to you, please don't worry about it as that could cause problems (jealousy, insecurity, feelings of low worth etc) but I would be very careful about inviting this woman into my home. I would also explain very carefully to her that he has jobs to do at home and suggest local tradesmen that could help her. Good luck

Blu · 19/04/2004 16:27

If she really IS your friend, I suppose you should be pleased that your dh can help her out, and flattered that she fancies him. Basically, he is the one you need to trust or not trust: how does he react to her flirting? Has she always done this, as it's just her manner, or has she started doing it since she has been single? Can you bring it up with her - " I wish i had your skill with flirting, you're so natural, like the way you talk to even though obviously you don't mean it seriously..." OR if she is a very close friend, tell her her manner makes you feel a bit vulnerable and you wouldn't ever want it to become between you as friends.

Forget what your Dad did; do you trust this particular woman, and this particular man?

Original poster
paraniodwife · 19/04/2004 22:04

I think he feels enbarrased maybe.

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Original poster
paraniodwife · 19/04/2004 22:05

embarrassed even

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Chandra · 19/04/2004 22:25

Paranoidwife, I would feel flattered if she said that to me however if she said it in front of DH... My friends are always saying what a good husband DH is and when they leave...God he thinks he is so good to be true and starts acting as if I owe him something!!! so, I believe that some of their comments are kept in his mind once the joke is over and... if somebody attractive were making these comments I would be on my guard...

DH is very kind and it's not a good thing for me to say it but... he's very attractive, even though I often joke about those girls asking for his phone number in front of my nose (not realising I'm his wife), I would never joke about this if the comment came from somebody who may represent a good rival, for the simple reason that if he has not realised that the girl fancy him (he never gets it, even if they ask for the number) with my comment he would know that that attractive woman is attracted to him..

tigermoth · 20/04/2004 08:09

I thnk you're right to have your guard up, paranoidwife. This sort of thing has happenend to me. I have been with my dh for 18 years, but three or four times during our relationshiop women have taken a serious shine to him, either in front of me or a bit behind my back. He is (IMO) quite attractive and outgoing and knows lots of people. We also socialise separately quite a lot so we have to trust each other. He is very loyal (as far as I can tell) and nothing has gone further than it should. I trust him much more than the woman. Dh and I will always talk about 'so and so who has the hots for him' this is so my husband always knows I am very aware. I might joke that I will have my eagle eyes on so and so now. So I do have had my guard up each time, even though I put on a jokey front. I usually wait to see if things die down natuarally (as they always do in the end). If I am getting impatient I start to engineer social situatons so if dh and the flirty woman are together, I will turn up - unexpectedly or not. Sometimes being really nice and friendly with the woman can be very effective IME.

The thing that sets alarm bells ringing in your message is the fact that she keeps wanting your dh to do jobs at her new place. That's out of order IMO. Somehow you need to phase that out. Next time it happens why not ask her round yours while dh is working at hers or go along with your dh and bring a bottle of wine for you all to share afterwards? If you sense she is annoyed with your gestures of friendliness and just wants your dh to herself, it's time to decide if she is a friend at all.

spots · 20/04/2004 08:58

Think there are some amazingly tolerant people on this thread! I would feel just like you do. But think it's prob. a good thing that she's being so open/cocksure (female equivalent?) about it as it implies she's not expecting you to feel hurt by her flirting. Let's assume that as a friend she likes and respects you ... in which case she's just being really IGNORANT and needs a good TELLING!

Blu · 20/04/2004 12:22

I agree with Tigermoths' para about luring hi round to jobs...it is a bit of a cliche, a bit 'Confessions of a Window Cleaner', IYKWIM

AussieSim · 20/04/2004 12:57

Be on guard definitely. I think her comment is more than cheeky. I would be keeping your DH busy at home. You could talk to her I guess but she will only deny everything vehemently, or you could engineer a falling out over something else maybe, giving you good grounds for not sharing your handy man - I mean DH.

GrannyPants · 20/04/2004 13:26

My first thought too was "Cheeky cow!". She doesn't sound like much of a friend tbh, especially if she knows what happened with your parents.

Where possible I would encourage dh to find excuses not to go round to her house to do jobs. Get him to recommend a friend or tradesperson who will do the jobs for her.

Women have tried to hit on my dh while I've been in the room. The worst example was when I was pregnant and this woman had invited us to dinner with herself and her boyfriend. She kept waving her boobs in his face at every opportunity. If he needed the toilet she tried to accompany him. And before you think this was just a case of paranoid pregnancy hormones, she even invited him upstaiirs to her bedroom to (quote) "look at the plaster on my bedroom ceiling" at 11pm!!! Needless to say she was swiftly dropped from the Christmas card list and I haven't seen her since. I later heard that her boyf had dropped her too.

Original poster
paraniodwife · 20/04/2004 13:30

It really is a hard one for me I keep saying no she wouldn't do that to me would she? I have only known her for about a year and her ds is best friends with mine they go to the same school so it is going to be difficult.She dosen't have many friends (now I know why).She comes into my home and just takes over I must admit that she does most of the running in our realationship.Looking back she is always making a bee line for him the minute my back is turned.If we are in the same room together she will be next to him our put her feet up on him e.t.c has the penny finally dropped for me ?

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Original poster
paraniodwife · 20/04/2004 13:32

she's asked him to fix her bedroom door too

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GrannyPants · 20/04/2004 13:38

I'm not one for dropping friends but it doesn't sound as though you're getting anything out of this friendship. I get on well with my friends' dp's/dh's but would never dream of acting like that around them. Does she visit when she knows you will be alone or does she time it carefully so that dh is there?

Original poster
paraniodwife · 20/04/2004 13:46

She comes around when we are both home mostly but we do go on girls nights out or lunch just me and her. she is very good with my children she is an affectionate person.This is why I am finding it so hard to tell.She was actually lapdancing for my husband and a another friends husbsnd at a part we had.You know what it's like though you laugh it off at the time because lots of people are there and then when you are on your own you think hang on what was that all about

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