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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

my friend fancies my dh

74 replies

paraniodwife · 19/04/2004 14:42

I have a friend who is an amazing flirt.She has no partner at the moment and has just moved into her own place.Keeps asking my dh to do jobs for her.The other night she said to him in front of me that if he wasn't married to me she would make a move on him.First reaction f####king cheeky cow.My dad left my mum for another woman and this woman used to sniff around my mum telling her how lucky she is and want a great man he was bla bla.Am I right to have my guard up? Has this happened to anyone else.I am a long time poster but have changed my nickname

OP posts:
Blu · 20/04/2004 13:47

Confide in her that your DH has terrible problems with re-curring herpes, but the strength of your marriage sees you through.

Original poster
paraniodwife · 20/04/2004 14:08

good idea Blu also I could tell her he is crap in bed I suppose

OP posts:
Blu · 20/04/2004 14:24

NO! She'll see it as a challenge!

Original poster
paraniodwife · 20/04/2004 14:28

O.k what about he has a small willy

OP posts:
Skara · 20/04/2004 14:33

I have to say if you are paranoid then so am I! I'd definitely be keeping a close eye on things too - don't think I'd really want a friend like that lurking around the edges of my marriage...

sar7 · 20/04/2004 15:30

I think I would tell your DH how she has confided in you that she has a case of recurring herpes!

Blu · 20/04/2004 15:39

Paranoid Wife and Sar7: Perfect. He has small willy, she has herpes. Sorted!

SarajaneA · 20/04/2004 18:03

This woman knows exactly what she is doing and is blatant about it. I have had friends (?) who have made it quite clear to me from their body language and then my husband has twigged finally and has asked me about it (which confirmed my suspicions) and I have then dropped them. Didn't miss them, was just relieved not having to pretend they have my interests at heart which is what you feel with a friend. Only three over the past 8 years, but who needs friends like that? Then there are friends of DH's parents some of whom make a point of kissing him on the lips - I think thats so cheap. I've told him when he protests that he wasn't expecting it and didn't have enough time to turn his head that if he doesn't in future, I shall have no choice but to bang their heads together! He is terrified I will actually do this - I won't of course. In fact at 3am on the morning of our wedding when the party was still roaring and I was already asleep as 4mths preg, one of these women actually pushed him to the ground, plonked herself on top of him and tried to get her tongue down his throat. Onlookers were disgusted and pulled her off. It just goes to show this sort of woman is only thinking of herself no matter what the situation, ie your ds is married with a child(ren).
I wouldn't bother to see her - you say it will be difficult as her ds is friends with your ds. Are they best friends? Can you encourage your ds to play with other children? I know the other mums are joking but I wouldn't discuss intimate parts of dh body or poss herpes (even though untrue) with her because it opens up the way for her to feel that she's getting closer. I would start by not taking her calls - leave the answerphone on and not return her calls, then when you do answer say you have been sooooo busy. She'll start getting the message. Why did her marriage/relationship with her ds's father fail? Was she unfaithful? Also, make sure if your ds has her ds over to play that he is out by the time your husband is home. Tell her you are keen to have quality time together. Lapdancing??? This is sending a very clear message. Taking over when she is at your house??? Makes sure she sits next to your husband and putting her legs on him??? Asked dh to sort out her bedroom door??? These are very clear signs that she is making them to test him and you. You need to stamp this out, don't let her socialise with your husband anymore. She sounds as if she has the nerve to confront you about it and if you were to mention what she said, she would poo poo it to make you feel small and bad about the situation while making herself feel better. She's not cheeky, she's very focussed and this is dangerous whether you trust your husband or not. Start taking steps to avoid her NOW!!!

tigermoth · 20/04/2004 21:39

I think sarajaneA speaks much sense here. Now you've said more about your situation paranoidwife, this woman sounds like a very poor friend. I would hate someone to come in a take over my home like that - when it's happened to me in the past, the bossy person does not get invited back. You have only known her a year, so your social lives are can't be that entwined even if your sons are both friends. You don't have to let this woman into your life because of that. Do you know any of her other friends? does she flirt with all men? if so I suppose her efforts are a bit more harmless - and rather sad IMO.

One thing to bear in mind, if you start keeping this friend at arms length - do say to your dh that the frosty atmosphere is nothing to do with him. You trust him and love him. It's her who is the fly in your soup. You don't want to do anything to drive him into her arms so be firm but fair with this woman, so there is no chance of your dh feeling sorry for her.

Have you seen the TV comedly series 'Nighty Night' by the way? I can't help thinking that the awful lead character sounds a bit like your friend - you and your dh sound nothing like the couple she leeches on I hasten to add. I urge you to see it

Original poster
paraniodwife · 20/04/2004 21:53

I have just had a chat with him and told him how uncomfortabe she is making me and although I trust him and it has nothing to do with how I feel about him I feel she is taking libs.He says it dosen't bother him I must admit he is a bit slow on the woman front.I said that it dose bother me and I am not prepared to put up with it.Yes I do think she flirts around other men too and I made sure that dh knows that too (just so it dosen't go to his head).My mums social circle at the time of my dads afair was full of women and men that behaved like this and I think it only leads to trouble.Yes her partner dumped her because he didn't trust her.I even said to dh that when my ds1 became a teenager I wouldn't feel right about him even sleeping over.I feel so bad for thinking like this I do try to see the best in people I am finding all of your comments really helpfull thank you to all of you

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Original poster
paraniodwife · 20/04/2004 21:56

tigermoth I think I saw what you are talking about by accident a couple of weeks ago has it got Angus Deaton in it and the woman just keeps hanging around and befriending the wife and flirting with the hubby? what night is it on then?

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tomkitty · 21/04/2004 07:56

The lapdancing is very telling - it's just too much. I would definitely put some distance between her and your family. Besides, she is wasting your time and creating negativity. Don't let her become an obsession.

Also, I am not sure that it's a very good idea to let your DH know you are threatened by this other woman.

It is SO tempting to tell DH about my insecurities and have him reassure me, but I think when it involves the subject of sex/him/specific other woman, it's better not even to plant seeds of thought in his brain.

In front of him I think I'd just laugh it off. Joke about her recurring herpes infection, and then on to another topic of conversation.

tigermoth · 21/04/2004 13:17

That's the one, paranoidwife. The first run of the series has finished but this Saturday all the episodes will be repeated in one go. Sorry, don't know which channel.

champs · 22/04/2004 18:48

hi paranoidwife,
LAPDANCING!!! I wasn't gonna say a thing as I didn't want to add to your feeling bad. And didn't have anything possitive to say but when I read your post about lapdancing.... I saw red, and it's not even my DH!!

Many women have tried it on with my DH, esp those at work he always claims he is oblivious to it.Many times my gut instinct has kicked in on a particular occasion,it got WAY out of hand and I ended up having to put a stop to it myself all this after he swore nothing was going on.

your situation is obviously different but I just mean to say that it's better to cut these things in the bud.

I think that you know in your heart of hearts whether she is a friend or not. How dare she!!!... I think she well and knows what she's doing and the fact that you are uncomfortable.

why would you act that way with someones dh??!! has she had relationship probs in the past?? She does sound like she has some kind of low self esteem, using her body to get attention... classic, not tyring to excuse her, as I think she's bang out of order.

BTW, I like the idea of going with your dh when i goes to do odd jobs.

arabella2 · 22/04/2004 21:59

I've only had this kind of thing happen to me once but it was horrible when it did. I had a very attractive friend that I worked with when I lived in Italy teaching English. It was obvious she fancied dh pretty soon after she met him and it made me feel terrible... I don't think she is the kind of person who would have actively "made a move on him" but I found the fact that she was interested in him terribly threatening. She also behaved as if in some way I was not dh's (then dp) partner but a friend of hers to whom she could talk about dh. In the end I let the "relationship" fizzle out as I could not handle the vibes I got... I also remember feeling upset that a supposed "friend" of mine could even have the thoughts she was obviously having (eg. turning up to a meal with both of us very dressed up and touching dh on the arm in a way I really did not like...).
Anyway, just to say that I agree with all posters who say let "friendship" with this person go...

Original poster
paraniodwife · 23/04/2004 14:23

Arebella2 thankyou for your post too I think you have hit the nail on the head I can't handle the fact that my friend feels that way about dh.Yes she comes up dressed to the nines e.c.t I do trust him 99.9% but she is very persuasive.I am gonna knock it on the head and let it fizzle out If she still presits I am gonna have too say something to her but I hpoe it dosen't come to that.Thankyou to all of you for posting it has really helped me.Love too you all

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ChicPea · 13/05/2004 23:39

Can we have an update on the situation please?! I have been looking at this from time to time wondering if paranoidwife had written "DROPPED HER!!". What's the latest? (I did add my views but have since changed my name in case DH logs into my computer and recognises my name. I want Mumsnet to remain my secret addiction!).

Original poster
paraniodwife · 01/06/2004 15:22

chicpea thank you for remembering me.Well heres my update.A few weeks ago I spoke to dh to tell him just how I was feeling he seemed to be listening and then to my shock he started flirting right back with her which pissed me off no end.When we got together I felt like the gosberry and he was still promising to do bloody jobs for her.One night they were laughing and joking and putting their arms around each other just as I was comming and saying things like quick here she comes bla bla typical teenage behavior.Well the following night I went to throw him out and he begged me to let him stay and said he didn't know what he was thinking off.I belive there is nothing going on but I made It clear how dissapointed I am with him and how I was not going to be treated this way.He really is a good man and a little gulable at times and I think she has just been playing with him and flattering him,he in return has been giving her a self estem a boost but this is not going to happen at my or my mariages bloody expense.

OP posts:
Original poster
paraniodwife · 01/06/2004 15:27

He also did admit that he had thought in his mind about having sex with her when I first brought her home.This made me feel sick to the stomach.I keep thinking now is he going to be giving all my friends the once over when they come to visit.(this is not the first time he has expressed that he fancies one of my friends)He didn't flirt with her though but now I feel like I have been knocked for six.I wasn't a paraniod wife after all and if I had sat back who knows.

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Fio2 · 01/06/2004 15:33

My God. I would kill my husband if he said he wanted to sleep with one of my friends. he can fantacise about it, but I dont want to know. I think you need to nip this in the bud. Stop inviting her round and tell her to pay a handyman to do her jobs for her, hopefully a single man

Original poster
paraniodwife · 01/06/2004 15:42

I have stopped inviting her around yes.I think I feel so let down when he told me that I felt like he might as well have slept with her it made me feel sick.I still feel angry 1 I thought he was better than that she really is a easy lay if you know what I mean and uses her femalness shall we say to get what she wants from men I am so the oppersite and thought he respected that in me.She is like it with all the blokes I can't get my head around how that is an attractive thing to be.He also said that since her partner thew her out he has felt that she needs to be protected and he felt sorry for her

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Fio2 · 01/06/2004 15:48

if you want my opinion, she has manipulated him. She has put ideas into HIS head about them having some kind of relationship. She has boosted his ego and all just to make herself feel more attractive. Unfortunately it was with your husband and I would make him crawl a bit. i dont know what else to say. I know I would feel the same as you though

Original poster
paraniodwife · 01/06/2004 15:54

Fio2 thankyou for that it is early days and I can't belive I nearly thew him out over this but at the same time I am not going to be made a fool of.I do love him and I do trust him and how dare she play games with my dh.I only took her in because I felt sorry for her because she was having such a time of it and thats how I was repayed for my kindness.I won;t do that again unless it is a friend I really care about

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Helsbels · 01/06/2004 15:55

agree with Fio 100%.Hope it works out PW {{{}}}

champs · 01/06/2004 16:00

!!!! so glad you nipped it in bud PW, cant believe the gall of it. I do agree that she has manipulated your dh but he does have to be told in no certain terms that his behaviour is not acceptable, flirting wiv her after u spoke to him. It does sound like he is trying to make you jealous tho.
How do you feel? Please don't make this make you too unhappy. and dont blame yourself either.

you were infact not paronoidwife more like cottonedonwife!!