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Original poster

Overreacting? Partner called me a bitch during argument

71 replies

Allaroundmearefamilarfaces · 03/01/2015 22:50

I started a conversation with my DP about the future of our relationship as there have been some doubts.
It somehow ended up turning into a general insult-fest against me, and dp called out "bitch!" to me.
I am so shocked and hurt and upset right now. We don't have dc nor live together yet. He has since apologised, part of me wants to call it quits, I don't want a relationship where this happens Sad he's never said anything like this before and it's really stung. I know there are far worse things he could do, but if I let it go is it just opening the door to more of the same? I was called names in my childhood and in previous relationships and just think now I am an adult I don't want to put up with that crap through choice.

OP posts:
Tobyjugg · 03/01/2015 23:08

I think it's the beginning of the end of your relationship tbh.

handfulofcottonbuds · 03/01/2015 23:12

My STBXH called me a bitch once. It hurt like no other word.

I have never, ever had the urge to call someone a nasty name during an argument.

You need to tell him how disrespectful he has been. If I were you, I wouldn't explain by saying you were called names when you were younger as he may see that it's your issue, he needs to know that he was totally in the wrong and you won't stand for it.

Handywoman · 03/01/2015 23:19

No, not over reacting. My stbxh once snapped at me with contempt: 'why don't you just shut the fuck up'. When he did this he crossed a line.

Your reaction is perfectly reasonable. I think you should take time out from this relationship and think whether it's worth continuing.

caravanista13 · 03/01/2015 23:26

It's incredibly disrespectful - you deserve better.

adiposegirl · 03/01/2015 23:33

Well, there is no such thing as an amicable argument is there?

Its all about how it made you feel. If you feel he has crossed a line, which its clear from the content of your post you know he has, you don't need Mnet to spell it out for you.

All the best in your search for your new man.

chemistc · 03/01/2015 23:37

Well it is not the worst thing he could have said. It depends really on how early it is in the relationship.

Gabriola · 03/01/2015 23:41

I think it depends on how he said it. Aggressive? Frustrated?

Regardless, it sounds like it was enough for you want to end the relationship.

BOFster · 03/01/2015 23:44

I think you can have an amicable argument actually: it is entirely possible to disagree on an issue, or need to thrash something out to a point where you both find a compromise, or to have a difficult and upsetting conversation where you explain that you've felt hurt by something the other person has done, etc etc...but none of this needs to involve hurling insults or calling each other names. I've managed 10 years with DP without it ever descending to that.

I'm not surprised you feel hurt, and I wouldn't accept this as 'normal'. Not any kind of normal I'd be interested in anyway.

BOFster · 03/01/2015 23:47

chemistc Sat 03-Jan-15 23:37:05
Well it is not the worst thing he could have said. It depends really on how early it is in the relationship.

How depressing. Do you really think relationships are generally characterised by increasingly hurtful insults?

Original poster
Allaroundmearefamilarfaces · 03/01/2015 23:47

We've been together officially for 9 months. He was angry when he said it, kind of spat the words out.

OP posts:
WhatWouldBlairWaldorfDo · 03/01/2015 23:49

It all depends on how you personally feel i suppose. Me and dp have had a couple of blazing rows, things got said, we calmed down and apologised and moved on. Hes said im 'acting like a fucking bitch' ive said hes being 'a fucking dickhead'. BUT we know we both went to that level and felt bad, we then moved on. Depends on your relationship, but i think the key thing is how he speaks to you after. Me and dp call each other names in jest all the time, but if dp called me a knob/bitch/whatever and i said it really hurt me he would feel awful about it. If he didnt care that would be a bigger thing than the name calling itself if you see what i mean

Joysmum · 03/01/2015 23:50

My DH is a wanker! I love him to bits Smile

MarjorieMelon · 03/01/2015 23:55

I've said far worse to dh and vice versa. I'm not saying that it is good to hurl insults at each other in the heat of the moment but I don't think of it as a huge issue.

A few of my friends told me that they never argued with their partners but they are now ex partners so remaining calm at all times does not guarantee that everything will remain rosy.

You said that you are having difficulties in your relationship anyway so perhaps you hand reached the end of the road.

adiposegirl · 04/01/2015 00:00

Respectfully, BOFster,

An argument is not the same as a discussion or debate or even a heated discussion or heated debate. OP stated 'argument'. No need to be politically correct about what is meant by the term 'argument'. Convention tends to show people result to throwing insults when in an arguement, as OP described in their post.

adiposegirl · 04/01/2015 00:01

resort

itiswhatitiswhatitis · 04/01/2015 00:06

I think a relationship that is only 9 months old shouldn't be at the point where people are calling someone a bitch. Cut your losses and consider it a lucky escape

BOFster · 04/01/2015 00:06

That's more of a "row" in my book, adiposegirl, but I take your point. I've honestly never had one with DP, in that case. Which must mean I'm headed for Splitsville according to Marjorie Grin.

TheMD · 04/01/2015 00:06

Just echoing what others have said - it depends on how it made you feel. There are couples who call each other far worse and it fine because that's how they were brought up/what they heard around them/they lack manners and emotional intelligence.

If my partner called be a bitch, I would lose the will to be affectionate with him really quickly and that would be beginning of the end.

handfulofcottonbuds · 04/01/2015 00:09

If he 'spat the words out' - then I believe the answer to your future is right there.

Road one: stay and it gets worse
Road two: end it and find someone who respects you

My STBXH said it with such hate that it scared me and I knew it was over there and then, and that was before I found out about the OW.

RandomNPC · 04/01/2015 00:14

Only you know if this is a deal breaker or not. Only you know if you want to be in a relationship or not. It's only a word after all. What matters is what else is going on the relationship.

MarjorieMelon · 04/01/2015 00:23

Sorry Bof. Grin. I didn't mean that everyone who doesn't argue will split. I have noticed that some people who don't argue have communication issues.

One of my dear friends was treated appallingly by her ex fiancé who ended up jilting her just before the big day. When they split she said there had never been any arguments at all and I think that was half the problem. They aired their disagreements in the same way you would discuss a work place grievance. Very calm and civilised and nobody got angry but they never got to the bottom of how the other person was feeling and he thought it was an amicable split whereas the reality was he treated her like dirt.

When she asked for my advice I told her to tell him to " go fuck himself" and being the lovely person that she was she couldn't imagine saying this to him but at least he might have sat up and listened to her for once!

Disclaimer - I'm not a relationship counsellor.

chemistc · 04/01/2015 00:30

BOFster Sat 03-Jan-15 23:47:18
chemistc Sat 03-Jan-15 23:37:05
Well it is not the worst thing he could have said. It depends really on how early it is in the relationship.

How depressing. Do you really think relationships are generally characterised by increasingly hurtful insults?

Sorry I dont know how to quote another poster. I just mean that 10 yrs down the line insults have less venom attached to them. The same with friends. I friend I have had for 10 years who has had a shit time then lashes out at me and calls me a crap name would be more easily forgiven than a friend I have known for 10 weeks. Am I being weird?

magoria · 04/01/2015 00:36

You started a conversation about your relationship due to some doubts.

Looks like his response a general slag you off session and calling you a bitch proves those doubts are correct.

It's 9 months. There are doubts then this. Walk away before you waste any more time.

BOFster · 04/01/2015 00:39

No, I see what you mean, chem. and Marjorie, yes, I totally agree that you need to communicate when you disagree. I just don't think it HAS to involve yelling or throwing hurtful personal attacks around. Basically, I like my relationships within MN Guidelines apart from the sex Grin.

TheMD · 04/01/2015 00:42

chemstic - surely the reverse is true, ime anyway. It's not about the amount of "venom", it's about the other person's perception of it. I take the point about being less...careful? with our nearest and dearest because "they will know what I mean" and those relationships are clearer by nature. However, I think it's really important to treat your partner (arguably the closest person to you) with a different level of respect which for me entails choosing words that won't offend/hurt beyond the intended level.

Think about it - surely we must look after our closest for they will be the ones picking up the pieces when life throws us a curveball. Not the 10-week "friend".