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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Overreacting? Partner called me a bitch during argument

71 replies

Allaroundmearefamilarfaces · 03/01/2015 22:50

I started a conversation with my DP about the future of our relationship as there have been some doubts.
It somehow ended up turning into a general insult-fest against me, and dp called out "bitch!" to me.
I am so shocked and hurt and upset right now. We don't have dc nor live together yet. He has since apologised, part of me wants to call it quits, I don't want a relationship where this happens Sad he's never said anything like this before and it's really stung. I know there are far worse things he could do, but if I let it go is it just opening the door to more of the same? I was called names in my childhood and in previous relationships and just think now I am an adult I don't want to put up with that crap through choice.

OP posts:
LadyLuck10 · 04/01/2015 00:48

DH and I have had arguments before without resorting to calling each other disgusting names. I honestly wouldn't be with someone who was so disrespectful.

anothernumberone · 04/01/2015 00:53

Swearing is semi cultural in Ireland, I am sure you have seen the movies, a few 'bitches' and 'dickheads' would be par for the course in our arguments. Only you can say if it is abuse in your situation op. It sounds like it would be from your op.

MinnieM1 · 04/01/2015 01:07

It's totally subjective, I read this out to DP and he actually laughed because him & I call each other much worse names in jest let alone in an argument!
But if it's not acceptable to you then it's not acceptable so 9 months in and with no kids I would probably just cut my losses and leave

cailindana · 04/01/2015 06:42

You have to set your own boundaries. My DH has never ever called me a name in 13 years and if he did I'd be heartbroken. I know other couple who use insults quite freely and it doesn't seem to bother them.
What does bother me is that he said it in a conversation about your relationship - it sounds like he wanted to shut you down.

APotNoodleandaTommy · 04/01/2015 07:12

OP, my friend has just left an EA marriage. This is how the abuse started exactly - in hindsight, he was testing her boundaries. I mean, who leaves someone who 'just' called them a bitch in an argument, right?!? Overreaction!! Nope. More like tip of iceberg.
Your gut feeling on this needs to be trusted. Run like the wind

Joysmum · 04/01/2015 08:30

No tip of the iceberg in our case with Dh being a wanker. He is sometimes, I'm worse sometimes.

Mind you, we've both worked in an on site engineering and construction environment where swearing is normal and certainly not taken to heart.

I guess it's more down to the intent behind and the hurt received from it.

In our case, swearing doesn't mean that much to either of us and our focus is on the issue of the argument, rather the words.

DH often trips up on words and I could run rings around him and tie him up in knots if I wanted, doesn't sort out the argument though does it so I igore easy points scoring or focussing on a word.

Isetan · 04/01/2015 09:49

What other things have been going on in your relationship that is causing you doubt? On its own being called a bitch wouldn't bother me so much but I'm not you.

FunkyBoldRibena · 04/01/2015 09:53

It's 9 months. The reason that we date is to work out whether we get on with the person or not. If you are having the 'there have been some doubts' conversation then to be honest, it's not a goer is it? And then add on the bitchfest. And anything else you haven't mentioned on here [all those doubts].

Do yourself a favour and get rid of this person from your life.

TonightTonight · 04/01/2015 10:18

MarjorieMelon if he treated her like dirt, it's unlikely a different approach to airing her grievances would have made any difference. People who treat others like dirt simply don't wish to hear them in any way, shape or form. I suspect your friend did absolutely the right thing and had a lucky escape.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 04/01/2015 10:31

It doesn't mean you HAVE to leave him obviously but does show how he will continue to be in arguments, and he would probably get worse with time. So depends if it's worth it.

ruddygreattiger · 04/01/2015 10:44

9 months in and he calls you a bitch. Nice. Tells you all you need to know really. End it and get someone who deserves you.

MozzchopsThirty · 04/01/2015 10:55

I don't think I'd continue with this after 9 months.

I've been dating a guy for 6 months and we've had some minor disagreements but we've talked them through
If he'd started hurling insults at me it would have been a clear indication of how things might go in future however the fact that he communicates and tries to find solutions is a positive
If he called me a bitch id end it

Original poster
Allaroundmearefamilarfaces · 04/01/2015 11:30

The other doubts were that we weren't sure if we both wanted children together or not.
I've asked him if he's ever called an ex any names during relationship, and he said no, I asked well why me then and he reckons he loves me more than anyone ever before, and doesn't know how to handle it Hmm

OP posts:
FunkyBoldRibena · 04/01/2015 11:35

OP. Do not have children with a man that will call you a bitch.

MozzchopsThirty · 04/01/2015 11:47

I'm sorry but the 'I just love you more than anyone I have before and don't know how to handle it' is classic EA bullshit

Now I've read that I'd say run for the hills

Original poster
Allaroundmearefamilarfaces · 04/01/2015 12:12

Oh god mozzchops really Sad I feel sick.

OP posts:
MozzchopsThirty · 04/01/2015 12:16

It's total bullshit!
The fact that you're madly in love with someone doesn't make you aggressive and verbally abusive!!
The fact that you're a twat makes you be those things

JustJanice · 04/01/2015 12:17

Classic a sure speak. My friends DH used to use that line.

"I've never hit any of my previous partners. It's because I love you so much that you're the only one who can wind me up enough to hit you".

DH and I have been together for nearly 20 years and had some humdingers but he's never ever called me a name.

Tbh I think it's sad how so many posters defend name calling.

JustJanice · 04/01/2015 12:17

Classic abuser speak.

Staywithme · 04/01/2015 12:35

Oh wow! He only does it because he loves you so much? Does that mean it's your fault then OP? I ask because that could come next.

I wouldn't have called you that but you said/did xyz.
I didn't mean to get so jealous with you for speaking to that guy but you were flirting/smiling etc.
I wouldn't have hit/shoved/shouted but I get so frustrated/scared because I love you so much.

That comment about loving you actually sent shivers up my spine as I've been where you are now. I was much younger and it went on to sulking if I spoke to someone, because he wasn't good enough for me and I might leave him. Hmm
Then the shove because I should/shouldn't have said/done that. But only because he loved me so much.
It got worse from there, but I am sure you can guess that. I've been with my wonderful husband for 25yrs now who would never, ever disrespect me like that. His father taught him very we'll by the lovely respect he had for his mother.

Do you want this treatment to become the norm OP? My neighbours swear and scream, and on occasion threaten each other, on a regular basis. Those poor wee boys have to listen to that crap and the younger one has obvious behavioural problems. Before I'm asked, no he doesn't have SN, just constantly fighting parents who think that is a normal way to behave.

Staywithme · 04/01/2015 12:37

By the way I've never said to any posters to LTB but I really think you should run for the hills. Flowers

Original poster
Allaroundmearefamilarfaces · 04/01/2015 13:51

Staywithme: thankyou, I'm feeling really empty and shocked still, but your post makes sense.

OP posts:
Hissy · 04/01/2015 14:09

what a complete tosser.

9m in? not living together, no kids (thank god), walk love, just walk.

no good man calls anyone a bitch, let alone someone he's supposed to like/love/whatever.

what is happening now is that he's 'done' the nice bit to hook you, now the mask will slip. now he's showing you who he really is.

you take this from him now, you'll be accepting it, and he'll do it again, and again and again.

the line about only treating you like this because he loves you is designed to make you put up with him whatever he does/says.

he's making you his victim.

nothing is worth that.

dump him, make sure he stays dumped too. he's abusive and will always be. he could seriously harm you. he would definitely ruin your life.

RubbishMantra · 04/01/2015 14:14

Sadly I'm another one who's had the "I only did xyz because I love you."

I too had chills reading that line. Laying blame with you, excusing their own shit behaviour.

Catzeyess · 04/01/2015 14:22

I think you should dump him too for all the reasons above!

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