Overreacting? Partner called me a bitch during argument

[Allaroundmearefamilarfaces]

I started a conversation with my DP about the future of our relationship as there have been some doubts.
It somehow ended up turning into a general insult-fest against me, and dp called out "bitch!" to me.
I am so shocked and hurt and upset right now. We don't have dc nor live together yet. He has since apologised, part of me wants to call it quits, I don't want a relationship where this happens he's never said anything like this before and it's really stung. I know there are far worse things he could do, but if I let it go is it just opening the door to more of the same? I was called names in my childhood and in previous relationships and just think now I am an adult I don't want to put up with that crap through choice.

I've sent him back to his with all his stuff while I properly think about what I want, not looking good though

Good for you OP x

I would run a mile too given his explanation. Sorry

My first thought was, were you being a bitch at the time?

I only ask because only the two of you know what led up to that insult, and what he actually meant by saying that. Is it a word which particularly upsets you?

I know that to some people, it's not the worst insult, and could have been used to describe behaviour/words from you which he found upsetting or spiteful. But only you can know if he was saying that just to be nasty, or if it was in response to something you said.

My DH has called me that on one or two occasions, during arguments, in the last 20 years, and it's not indicative of how he usually behaves towards me ( which is generally lovely and kind). It was more a demonstration of how horrible he thought I was being ( admittedly with some justification!).

People have different arguing styles, and none of us can know how you as a couple have dealt with arguments in the past.

If the relationship is one you want to continue, maybe you could make it clear how offended you are by that particular term, and that descending into name calling is something which upsets you. Presumably you don't do that to him. If he does it again, then you'll know where you stand.

expect snot and tears, expect begging for another chance.

don't get suckered in.

the reason he will beg for you to put up with more of this shit take him back is that in his mind he has "invested" 9m training/grooming you, and has blown it and will have to start again with someone else to get the 'bitch' he needs to control/boss about.

NO BOYFRIEND calls his GIRLFRIEND a bitch. not one that CONTINUES to be a boyfriend.

red flag. give him the red card. no matter what he does/says.

People will treat you how you allow them to. I wouldn't be with someone who called me a bitch.

Calling you a bitch is a definite red flag, and if it's unacceptable to you, then it's unacceptable (I concur).

But a justification that he only does it because he loves you sooo much that no-one else could wind him up like that is confirmation that he is abusive.

Dump him, I'm afraid. asap.

Being called a bitch wouldn't bother me if I was being one (not a problem with dh but not unknown in my past).

Being told he only does it because he loves me - now that would make me run for the hills. Bigger red flag than the Chinese.

My (hopefully soon to be ex) H started calling me a bitch soon after I'd had our first child. I still remember it now. Silly bitch it was. It wasn't even really in an argument, more a disagreement. I remember being shocked. I told him I didn't like it. He said it was just a turn of phrase, almost affectionate, and that he didn't mean it in a nasty way at all, not to be so touchy.
English is not my first language and translated into mine it's probably the worse word you can use for a woman, with quite a violent ring to it too.

Anyway I let it go, and over the years he carried on using it when he wanted to, in different circumstances. I wish I had taken it as a warning sign because really he meant it. Oh and he also did lots of other not nice things because he loved me, supposedly. So I would be very careful.

Agree with everyone else. Classic abusive wanker justification. That one sentence is the biggest warning you are going to get of exactly what's going to transpire with this one.

Leave. Leave now, after 9 months, while it's easy, and be thankful that he slipped up so soon!

"Being called a bitch wouldn't bother me if I was being one (not a problem with dh but not unknown in my past).

Being told he only does it because he loves me - now that would make me run for the hills. Bigger red flag than the Chinese."

100% agree with this. Was about to post almost the exact same thing.

'I can't handle my emotions so I called you a bitch'. Even if that's 100% true and he does really love you why would you waste your time with a grown adult who hasn't learned the basics of emotional communication.

Well it looks like we "back on". He explained that he is immature and needs to learn to talk to me about things rather than bottle them up. Said there have been some (fairly trivial) things about me/us that have bothered him recently, that he hasn't voiced but clearly they continued to play on his mind, and when I raised difficult conversation it was a catalyst to what he said.
Maybe I am being a total fool. I have to say that right now I don't feel the same as I did before. Up til now he always said I was special, I was different to his exes, I actually listened to him, I understood him and didn't judge him. Clearly I am not that amazing or he wouldn't have bottled stuff up, and then called me that name? I feel a bit shit about myself although he has gone back to his usual lovely self and promises it's a mistake he will never make again.

I have my Abusive Fuckwit klaxon going off tbh.

how long have you been with this creature?

listen to your instict, he's hurled insults at you, told you it's because there are things about you that bother him, and now he's behaving because he's been called out on it.

trust me, he WILL do this again.

the 'different to the exes' combined with the 'I only do this because I care for you so much' is CLASSIC abuser script.

really.

normal blokes don't do this.

XH called me a bitch - among other not so polite words - and DP knows of this. After a hormonal night (me) I texted DP once to apologise for being such a bitch. DP went apeshit. "Don't you ever call yourself that, you are not a bitch". He knows what that word means to me and has never or will ever use it against me.

We call each other twats, wankers and knobheads all the time though!

For the op, 9 months in isn't a good sign.

'Immature and needs to learn' is a sob story. 'Poor little me.... I need you in order to be a better person'. I call bullshit. You're not his teacher, counsellor or mother. You're not obliged to be his crash test dummy.

'different to his exes'

Yes you're being a fool. He blames them.... so you feel superior. He will blame you sooner rather than later. The next woman he meets will also be manipulated with ideas that she can save him from himself and make up for the damage his exes have caused.

Don't be a fool any more. Get shot before you waste even more time.

The 'I do it cos I love you bit', analysed is worse than calling you a bitch. It's all abuse though and indicates that he is an arsehole and one that won't own his own gob and this should be the illustration you need to make a sensible decision.
I have been round the block so's to speak and after kissing a lot of frogs, have found my prince and something I have noticed is that we are MORE careful what we say to each other than what we say to others, not less so. So often familiarity brings verbal and other abuse that marrieds think they can get away with BECAUSE they are married. This brings untold misery though. I would detach from this one. He has shown his true colours and now you have called him on it, is now trying to make a poxy excuse that insults your intelligence!

You seem to have started the cycle.

Be a little mean, see how she reacts, back down with an 'I am sorry but you...', be sweetness and light for a little, then be a little bit meaner...

Watch out for this cycle if you are back on.

Up til now he always said I was special, I was different to his exes, I actually listened to him, I understood him and didn't judge him

Run.for.the.hills

On its own, not brilliant. But that plus bitch plus 'it's your fault 'cos I love you' = more red flags than Lenin's birthday party.

And so the cycle begins...

He's not going to change, he's shown you who he is. What he said to you upset you enough to ask if you were overreacting. The response you got was a clear no.

Of course, we could all be making a terrible judgment against a man who made an ill-judged comment and deeply regrets it.

The chances are we're not. The responses on your thread come from those of us who have been in a similar situation, who have heard the same lines and who have experienced what may be to come.

Please make sure you remain safe.