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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

OW and I work in the same place. Should I leave?

66 replies

elsabelle · 03/01/2015 20:10

4 months ago, ex Fiance cheated on me and then left me for OW. I was deeply in love and it has been / is still an agonisingly painful break up.

All 3 of us worked in the same place and its been an awful few months. ExF has now done the (only!) honourable thing and left the company at Xmas. OW and I are both still there. Even though ExF is gone, i still feel overwhelmed with sadness and jealousy and seeing OW every day kills me. I also feel extremely humiliated in front of our colleagues and cant stop torturing myself wondering what she has that i dont have. Is she prettier / funnier / better in bed etc etc :(

But i was / am otherwise happy there, I have friends, I'm good at my job and I have worked hard to get to the position where i am.

So should i leave? Hang in there and wait and see if she leaves? Any strategies / suggestions for making work more bearable? All advice very gratefully received.

OP posts:
hearthwitch · 03/01/2015 20:26

Be strong. Stay in the job but look around to find something better if you feel you must go. Hold your head up high and be excellent. You are the better person. Things will get better.

Original poster
elsabelle · 03/01/2015 20:30

Thank you hearthwitch, good advice. I just dont know what to do for the best and i cant stop obsessing, crying and generally feeling awful about myself even though i know i havent done anything wrong.

OP posts:
carlywurly · 03/01/2015 20:33

A friend of mine was in exactly this position. It was very very hard for her initially. She's hung in there and is doing so well. Don't let anybody push you out of a good job but for your own sanity, it might be worth keeping your eyes on what's around. Ow may well be doing this too.

carlywurly · 03/01/2015 20:34

And any decent colleagues will not think worse of you for this, quite the opposite, even if they are too professional to let on, I bet you have loads of support.

dirtybadger · 03/01/2015 20:34

As above I think. Keep at it, do a good job and keep your head high. If I were either of you I'd feel much more embarrassment to be the OW! Keep an eye out for something else though, it might be nice to have a fresh start if you can find something equally decent. Hopefully she leaves (seem possible?) and with time you'll come to be able to enjoy your job again as before, though.

Flowers
Original poster
elsabelle · 03/01/2015 20:51

Thanks everyone, its really helpful to her encouraging words.

People were frosty with them for a few weeks but now its all hunky dory again (they are both very social and organise a lot of work drinks etc) and now im the one whos been pushed out of all that. But regardless of that i do love my job and my immediate team and am not really that keen to start over somewhere else. Fingers crossed she misses ExF so much she goes to join him!

OP posts:
Original poster
elsabelle · 03/01/2015 20:52
  • hear i mean
OP posts:
Cantbelievethisishappening · 03/01/2015 21:50

Don't let her fuck you over in your professional life to. I think you would massively regret it if you left. Your work is clearly a big positive in your life.... hang on to it and keep it that way. You will get through this.

Sickoffrozen · 03/01/2015 21:59

I know what I would do but then you are probably nicer than me!

ChateauCollapso · 03/01/2015 22:00

Stay. She's the guilty one.

Bonsoir · 03/01/2015 22:03

Bad enough to lose your fiancé without losing your job too! Stay!

Kt1979 · 03/01/2015 22:09

How awful x be strong head high and you will survive! You are better off without him! What a trolley he is!

handfulofcottonbuds · 03/01/2015 22:10

elsa, I have no idea how hard this must be for you. I'm not sure I would be as strong as you if I worked with my STBXH's OW.

They have both ruined part of your future and for what it's worth, I think better you find out what he's like now than when you are married.

Is there any way you can speak to your management team and get her moved to another department (if you are office based). I think she has brass neck to walk into work every day and should do the decent thing and move on.

Stay where you are if you like your job and are happy there.

You sound like you have dignity and restraint - good for you!

SillyBugger · 03/01/2015 22:11

wondering what she has that i dont have A shit boyfriend. That is all.

By all means look for a better job, but don't go anywhere just for the sake of it if it's not otherwise better for you in terms of pay, career, location etc. It hurts now but you will get over him soon, it's not worth basing a career decision on. You have nothing to feel humiliated about, his choices are not a reflection on you. x

handfulofcottonbuds · 03/01/2015 22:14

Just to add - as I'm feeling a little cynical tonight - I wonder if she spends her time worrying whether her sh*t of a bf is checking out other women at his new job.

After all, how can she ever trust him?

Original poster
elsabelle · 03/01/2015 22:20

Thanks everyone, so lovely to have such helpful replies :) The worst part of it all is that the cheating happened 2 days after my mums funeral (yes, my life has unexpectedly turned into Eastenders..).

I have posted about this before so wont go on, but i hate them both so much and yet i am devastated and miss him and our old life. Am struggling to grieve my mum and grieve the future i thought i was going to have with ExF.

That's another reason why i am not sure changing jobs right now would be the best move. So much in my life has changed already and i am not in a very strong and confident headspace.

cottonbuds ive seen a few of your posts on the heartbreak threads (thos are the ones im always drawn to too!). How are you doing? Does it get easier?

OP posts:
Original poster
elsabelle · 03/01/2015 22:22

Ha i hope she does cottonbuds! She left her husband for him so she has invested a lot..

OP posts:
lunar1 · 03/01/2015 22:23

She won't have proper friends at work. Nobody there will be inviting her round for a drink any time soon, she might have her other people's partner net out.

Every time she talks to another man at work people will be whispering about her. She will be in a constant panic about her prize doing the same again in his new job.

She might look like she is doing ok, but she is probably just hiding her insecurities well.

Original poster
elsabelle · 03/01/2015 22:24

Thanks Sillybugger. I know its him not me but i just thought we were so happy :-( But youre right, i think he'll gone on to repeat this pattern many a time and i am best off out of it.

OP posts:
BadKatie · 03/01/2015 22:24

God are they still together? How bloody awful. She should go definitely not you

Original poster
elsabelle · 03/01/2015 22:29

They are indeed still together! OW left her husband to be with him. Confused

Thanks BadKatie it has indeed been awful, the worst time of my life. MN has been a little light of hope and sanity :)

ExF only left our company under a LOT of duress! Kept saying he was doing it for me but really i think it was all about him - he was just too ashamed in front of our colleagues and management.

OP posts:
Original poster
elsabelle · 03/01/2015 22:34

Good point lunar. I'd like to think shes feeling full of remorse behind closed doors but it really doesnt look like it! And she still seems to have friends a plenty at work Sad

OP posts:
NYCHIC · 03/01/2015 22:41

I'm very sorry for your loss OP. I know it's hard but try not to spend too much time thinking about what your ex and his new gf are up to. It will drive you crazy. You need to rebuild your life. Give yourself time - it's a bit of a cliche but it really is a great healer. If after 4-6 months then it's still unbearable then maybe start to look around. Flowers

handfulofcottonbuds · 03/01/2015 22:50

I'm doing okay thanks elsa. I still have some bad times but I know that will change once I am divorced and the house is sold.

It does get easier though. So many times I went to bed wondering how I could ever smile again but you do. Memories stay and it does change you but it's you who has to make changes to yourself as an individual in order to move forward. It's just a different life now.

I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your Mum Thanks

With colleagues, I think their sympathy is short-lived and they forget about what happened as they have their own lives. If there is an opportunity to go out whether it is arranged by the OW or not, they will go, it is no reflection on you. How about you arrange some nights out with them as well?

I would like to think OW has some shame in having to face you everyday. I can only imagine that some of their talk in the evening revolves around you and I bet your ex is curious to know how you are. How sad!

If I were you, I would look fabulous every single day! Not for her but for you and your confidence. I got a fringe cut, to me that was a big step and my ex was never sure whether I should get it done. Head up, shoulders back, smile lots and fake it til you make it!!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 03/01/2015 23:50

elsabelle... You shouldn't leave your job if you don't want to, just the same as the OW shouldn't leave if she doesn't want to. Your ex-fiancé is the one who let you down very badly and his timing was horrendous. However, they're a couple now and she left her husband for OM so yes, they've both invested in each other and have left at least one broken heart behind them.

Move on from feelings of anger about the OW because all they will do is bring you down; it was far better that you and your ex-fiancé split now rather than a marriage and children down the line. He and she should have done it differently, split from you and her husband and then got together but it doesn't always work like that. Even if it did though, the net result would have been the same - your fiancé would have left you. Please don't keep thinking of their relationship and speculating because it will ultimately drive you mad. Yes, they might be a flash in the pan but then again, they might not, they might be in it for the long haul. It happens. Stupid clichés like 'once a cheater' are not helpful to you, they just keep your focus where it shouldn't be - one them - and not on you.

There's a whole world out there for you full of new men to meet when you're ready. Perhaps some sessions with a counsellor would be helpful for you to sort out your feelings and deal with the grief of your mum?

Same goes for jobs and careers... maybe there is a change that you'd always had half an eye on? A break-up can sometimes be a very positive catalyst for change.