OW and I work in the same place. Should I leave?

[elsabelle]

4 months ago, ex Fiance cheated on me and then left me for OW. I was deeply in love and it has been / is still an agonisingly painful break up.

All 3 of us worked in the same place and its been an awful few months. ExF has now done the (only!) honourable thing and left the company at Xmas. OW and I are both still there. Even though ExF is gone, i still feel overwhelmed with sadness and jealousy and seeing OW every day kills me. I also feel extremely humiliated in front of our colleagues and cant stop torturing myself wondering what she has that i dont have. Is she prettier / funnier / better in bed etc etc :(

But i was / am otherwise happy there, I have friends, I'm good at my job and I have worked hard to get to the position where i am.

So should i leave? Hang in there and wait and see if she leaves? Any strategies / suggestions for making work more bearable? All advice very gratefully received.

Cotton - Ah woops, i thought it was a book! Doh. Will check it out. Work was ok actually, i saw OW twice first thing (agh so painful!!) but the rest of the day got easier. Thanks for your support.

Livid - thanks for advice. I was referred and assessed for CBT in Sept but they said i was too emotional and grief stricken! But i can self refer back when i feel ready so will look into doing that soon. I love "fake it til you make it". Unfortunately i am one of those people whose feelings are written all over their face but i will get practising in front of the mirror ;)

I have scrabble letters on my fridge and wrote 'fake it til you make it', I looked at it each morning and gave 3 deep breaths before I went out the front door telling myself 'let's go Cotton', it might sound corny but we have to go back to basics and believe we can do it!

How's it going, elsa? Have you spoken to your manager yet?

Hi Springy. Well, its been ok-ish. Yesterday was alright, today i;ve been more emotional. My actual job is fine but feel anxious / humiliated / paranoid with some colleagues. I know i should just crack on with work and not care about the politics. But i really do, i think its cos my self esteem as at an all time low. And also without partner or family, work is probably taking up too much of my head space.

Anyway whenever i've seen OW, ive just marched purposefully past! And at least i am thinnest ive ever been so feeling confident about that at least! She is not in my immediate team so i dont really have to talk to her, its just that its a small office so i am always aware of her presence and can see her. I dont think there is really the possibility for her to be moved, although my manager did say she had also been wondering if she might leave this year. Fingers crossed :) Thanks for the support xx

Sorry you've found it emotional today. It might not feel it but you are doing so well, keep on marching purposefully past!

I know what you mean by feeling humiliated in front of your colleagues. I know I still feel like that when I see someone that I know. But on the outside looking in and reading your post my first thought was that you shouldn't feel humiliated. I know it's horrible having friends and colleagues know what has happened but you have done nothing wrong and I don't think that people pity you at all it just feels that way. If anything people will pity him for being stupid enough to cheat on you as you sound really lovely.

I hope you have lots of good friends to help you through this. Keeping busy with other things is helpful. Hopefully the OW will leave sooner rather than later. Take care.

Thanks iwas. Tbh i am struggling. I think Monday was fluke good day! I am so paranoid about what people are saying, thiknig. And i know that several people are still good friends with ExP and OW and still see them socially, which kills me, i keep imagining them all on fun nights out.

OW is permanently texting on her phone at work - lots of people have noticed and commented and i have seen it too. ExP is a prolific texter so that kills me too.

How can i move past this obsessive / torturing myself phase? My head is so there: i know he's no good. But my heart is still in love :(

I would think you were a lot stronger to stay there and stick it out. You're not the one in the wrong don't let her put you off what you enjoy. Easier said than done I know but hang in there!

Second the 'fake it til you make it' approach. Just told DD this after she's been dumped by her twat of a boyfriend - on Christmas Eve, as you do!!!

I really think keeping busy is the best thing - in and out of work.

Hope you feel better soon.

Sorry to hi-jack a bit - handfulofcottonbuds, I had scrabble letters on my fridge and i put the words LYING CHEATING BASTARD on there. When he broke into the house - he would have seen that. Incidentally, he had bought me the scrabble letters the christmas before, as a stocking filler!

Shame she doesn't get blocked for the texting.

Elsabelle sorry you have been struggling. I do hope you have a better week ahead. It's hard to stop yourself imagining all sorts of horrible things, but hopefully the reality is not so pleasant for them.

Try not to assume that all the texts OW is getting are from your ex. Imagine that they are from lots of people saying how horrid she is or that she is getting lots of those junk texts.

I can't offer you any advice on getting over the obsessive/torturing myself phase. I am still going through that too. Anger can be helpful in some ways but it seems it is just time that will get you over it. Take care of yourself.

Hi iwas. Thanks and sorry to hear you are still struggling too. How long has it been since your split?

I am starting to have little glimmers of feeling like my old self again (usually just for 10 mins or so!) but that is giving me some hope. I am also keeping so busy that 'im exhausted, but its helping to reduce the amount of time i have to obsess.

I actually saw them together last week at a pub near my work. It was awful but in a way i wonder if its helped because i know 100% theres never any going back now. They actually looked very happy but how they live with their consciences i dont know!

Sending you lots of and hopes for a good week xx

Have a good week elsabelle for you too

Elsabelle thank you. I ended my marriage last month so it's still early days.

I am delighted that you are getting glimmers of feeling like your old self again. Hope is very important. There is a wonderful quote about light and darkness on the Hobbit thread (finding it hard to move on after husband left). I will see if I can find it. Keeping busy is good. I am sorry you saw them together that must have been hard even if you have found it helpful in a way. I don't know how they live with their conscience neither.

Take care and stay strong. Hope you have a good week too.

Don't let her run you out of a place and job you enjoy!

No OW, but I had to work with an ex-fiancé for almost 2 years after he stomped my heart to bits (and apparently enjoyed it). I had to watch as he met someone else (not a coworker) and married her. I had to hear about all the 'pitying' remarks he made about me. It was hell.

It wasn't always easy to hold my head up, smile, and act unconcerned. But I did it. You can do it too.

I eventually got a transfer to another office, but by then his marriage was falling apart and he 'imploded' a few months after I left. "She who laughs last, laughs best" and all that.

No she likely does not feel sorry. If you read that ow women thread, your see they don't care who they stomp on to get their man. They got together under extreme deceit so really they be desperate to make sure their relationship works out.