OW and I work in the same place. Should I leave?

[elsabelle]

4 months ago, ex Fiance cheated on me and then left me for OW. I was deeply in love and it has been / is still an agonisingly painful break up.

All 3 of us worked in the same place and its been an awful few months. ExF has now done the (only!) honourable thing and left the company at Xmas. OW and I are both still there. Even though ExF is gone, i still feel overwhelmed with sadness and jealousy and seeing OW every day kills me. I also feel extremely humiliated in front of our colleagues and cant stop torturing myself wondering what she has that i dont have. Is she prettier / funnier / better in bed etc etc :(

But i was / am otherwise happy there, I have friends, I'm good at my job and I have worked hard to get to the position where i am.

So should i leave? Hang in there and wait and see if she leaves? Any strategies / suggestions for making work more bearable? All advice very gratefully received.

... and handful is absolutely right; break-ups happen to the people concerned; the wider world are unaffected and so it seems that people are frosty/judge only for a short time. That is true, sad as it can be to realise that when you're hurting.

Join in nights out, get out and about and meeting new people. You never know where that might lead... :)

Stay. Get promoted. Be her boss.

Lying is right and as I said upthread, I am feeling a little cynical tonight so maybe my thoughts about what they discuss of an evening aren't helpful to you elsa. Really, it doesn't matter and in truth, the longer you think about it (if you do), the longer it will take to heal.

It doesn't matter if she feels any remorse or shame because she has done what she has done and there is no going back. Your ExF betrayed you but I also think as a colleague and maybe someone who you possibly chatted to at work - she has also betrayed you. How they feel now doesn't matter

Having said that, I'm not sure I could cope with facing the OW every day but perhaps you are stronger than me? The only reason why I would change jobs is if it affected my mental health with having to see her everyday.

In the meantime, I would still suggest looking fabulous!!

Thank you NY. I do need to rebuild. Looking back to last xmas just kills me as it was such a happy one and never in a million years did i imagine 2014 would have turned out like this. Still, must move forward.

cotton thank you for your support. Glad you are doing well and moving forward. You sound very calm and wise. I hope the divorce and house sale are not too far away for you. I'm snuggled up in bed with the laptop, scoffing biscuits, will look up your old thread and read your story.
I like your idea of "its just a different life now". I need to get my head round that and stop hankering after the old one as it is never coming back. Yet still i stamp and wail like a toddler, just wanting it back all the time!
And yes i prob do need to lower my expectations of my colleagues. I think only 1 or 2 are real friends. It just hurts. A fringe is a great idea. I have got a full head of highlights booked in already as a little january pick me up :)

I absolutely concur with handful about looking fabulous; be the best that you can be - for yourself. It's incredible how much of a difference that this can make and it's brilliant that you have a hair appointment booked in, nothing like a new style.

I wish I'd had access to MN, Handful, AF and the dozens of other really wise posters when I was going through a painful breakup, it can feel very isolating indeed. You have a really good resource here.

Hold your head up.

Whwn something like this is so recent, yiu feel ashamed but in 18 months, you wont feel the shame any morw because it isnt yours to feel.

Thank you lying - you give good advice yourself on here

It's rubbish suddenly becoming an 'expert' on painful break-ups isn't it?!

I couldn't have managed without the wonderful support from MNers who stayed up with me on many occasions.

Thanks Lying. That is all good advice and i know that i do spend far too much time thinking abut them and replaying the break up. It sounds ridiculous but i just dont know what else to think about! I am keeping busy, work, friends, hobbies, having counselling but i just cant seem to stop these thoughts. I am hoping i'll eventually even I will get bored of it all (!!) and they will fade away.

Yes it could be a good opportunity for change. I have inherited my mums house too so its all a lot to think about and weigh up in the next few months.

Thanks for the support and advice, really helps :)

elsa - sorry to monopolise your thread but you need to have those thoughts, as painful as they are it is part of the healing process.

When I found that they consumed me for longer than I felt was healthy, I told myself out loud, "enough Cotton, enough now". You know like the scene in Love Actually when the guy declares his love for Keira Knightley while she's with his best friend?

Anyway, the thoughts will become less, you will become bored of it as you create your own memories. You will believe one day that he has done you a favour.

Living well is the best revenge

I used to do the 'enough, now' speech a lot; really good mantra!

I used to have to face the OW in the tiny village school playground which was mortifying. At first, she was extremely cocky but as time went on, people became less willing to spend time with her and now she's very rarely there. When she does collect, she's in and out like a dose of salts.

I, on the other hand, am on every committee in the village, including the PTA!

One day at a time OP, there's a whole new world out there for you!

You are so strong Elsa. I don't know what my ex's OW looks like (he worked with her too) - it would absolutely have killed me to have seen her. I'm 16 months down the line and it does get better, but the bad days surface from time to time.

The advice here is good. You need to find happiness within yourself, to be able to move on, and if that means doing new things, meeting new people, it will help you.

Take care. Best wishes

Don't have anything to say that hasn't already been said, but just wanted to post that don't let them ruin your work life too!

You're a brave, strong and dignified woman and you are doing so well. Keep at it and if you need to rant you can do so here - but don't leave.

You're bound to have those thoughts over and over, you're probably traumatised. And you'd just lost your mum, too. What a total shit to do that to you - at all, but especially then.

those endless thoughts are your psyche, I suppose, grappling to come to terms with the situation. It's been one hell of a shock, you're bound to go over and over it - part of the healing, the coming to terms.

But, as cotton says, there comes a time when you've had enough and want to be free of them. Don't listen to anyone who exhorts you to 'move on' - you WILL 'move on' (hate that phrase!) when the time is right. Trust yourself that you will rise up when the time is right.

I'd speak to your line manager/personnel to ask if there is anything can be done eg moving her off a cliff somewhere out of your orbit, hopefully.

I tell you what, you should get bloody medal for enduring shit like this. Unsung hero!

You've your mum's house as a project you could be focusing on xxx

I've been through this situation and well in reflection it would have been better if I had moved jobs as it was very damaging to me - having to relive the experience for a long time.

My advice is you've had a lucky escape - it may not feel like that right now but trust me you don't want to be with someone like that. You deserve better.

But only leave if you get yourself a better job - is there any chance she might leave?

My ex was there for 3 years and the OW for a year - so can appreciate where you are coming from. Trust me it's a massive weight off your shoulders once they will both be gone from your lives for good - then you can grieve and stop feeling so crap about yourself - I can say this as I've been through it.

Good luck

Ha i love that storyline in Love Actually cotton. Think youre right, it is all part of the healing process, just hurts so much! Still cant believe its all happened. Thanks for your support, v much appreciated :)

Thanks springydaffs it has all been a huge shock. My mum wasnt ill either, just died very suddenly. I've had some time off work with stress and grief but need to get back into it now. Although yes moving on seems out of the question, its all i can do to get through each day. I keep trying to see the positives - like im better off without him, at least we werent yet married etc, but its a struggle.

Reese how funny youve been through it too! Reckon we are pretty unlucky hey.. Yes i am sooo relieved that ex has now left my workplace, but seeing OW is so painful, and i think it does delay my healing and moving on. I am hoping she will leave but no idea if she will and think jobs for her role might be a bit harder to find at the moment.

Elsabelle I am sorry that must be very hard for you having to see the OW at work. Unfortunately I don't have any wise words as to how to get through it. My husband is currently living next door with the OW and I find it bloody hard. Just try and avoid her as much as you can and remember that you are much better off without him.

I would try and stay in your job if you can at least until you find something that is equally appealing to you. Don't let her ruin your career too. Like the PP suggestion that you should work your way up and become her boss. That would be fun!!

Sorry to hear about your Mum, my heart goes out to you having to deal with all of that upset at the same time.

Thank you iwas. So sorry to hear about your situation, i do read your thread and you sound like youre doing so well. It must be awful having them just next door. Isnt life hard? I remember when i was in my 20s and life seemed full of joy and i could never imagine anything awful happening. Seems like a distant dream now..

Tbh i am so lost. Feel like i am drowning in grief and sadness.

Yes will try to avoid her as much as possible. I've literally bumped right into her a few times in the loo / by the coffee machine and although i held it together at the time, i cried for days afterwards.

Sending you too x

So sorry OP. Something a bit similar happened to me. My mum died after a long illness and while I was grieving my DP went off the rails and started online dating behind my back before eventually cheating on me and leaving. So within 6 months I'd lost the two most important people in ny life.

It interfered with my grieving very much, as I found myself purely in survival mode. To get through it I have just basically pretended that my mum didn't die. I also find myself grieving for the future I have lost with my ex-DP. It's been very hard and continues to be.

However this brings me to my point - don't leave your job. The thing you need most of all right now is stability. It absolutely sucks that the OW is in your face every day, but if you enjoy your job and can do it on autopilot, that is a great bonus that will help give you the mental space to heal.

It's still all so fresh for you. You must be hurting a great deal. Keep strong. Btw I recommend listening to The Gossip's Move in the Right Direction. I found it very cathartic

Fay & Makemejump thanks for your support. You both sound like you've been able to get through it and move on & thats very inspiring! I am trying hard to keep busy too - am doing some volunteering, starting yoga and some other healing stuff (Reiki and some weird energy healing hands thing - yes i am desperate!!)

Thank you Elsabelle. Life can be very hard and often when you least expect it. You never think anything truly awful is going to happen and even though you know you are likely to lose your parents at some point it is still a shock when it does happen.

I am not surprised you are feeling lost with what you are trying to deal with at the moment. I hope you have a lot of support from family and friends. Do you have friends at work that can try and make it easier for you in terms of seeing the OW at work. Well done on holding it together when you have seen her. You do get stronger apparently.

You would think that if she has a sense of shame or a shred of decency then she would had enough self respect to have left the job herself. It shouldn't be you that has to think about leaving. People at work will be on your side. Take care x

Gosh scatter that is awful. How long ago did that happen to you? How are you doing now? I too feel i've lost the 2 most important people. And it hurts so much to be betrayed by ExP, i was very much in love, and we had so many plans for the future. I never thought he'd treat me like this. I cry ALL the time, just about make it up and out of bed. And have lost a ton of weight - keep thinking that the only upside is i am the thinnest ive ever been :)

A good point about stability. So much has changed and ive worked at my company for several years so know what im doing and have a few good friends there. Before this happened i would have said lots of friends, but ive felt very let down by a lot of people. Its been a good lesson to learn that on the whole work colleagues are NOT friends (with some exceptions obvs..)

Thanks for the book recommendation, will check it out.

for you x

elsa - put yourself forward for responsibilities, promotions etc. It will make you feel good and make her very uncomfortable as you will be everywhere, perhaps even a higher position.

The Gossip's Move in the Right Direction was recommended to me by BOOP on here and I played it out LOUD!!! It helped me so much!

It's not a book elsa, it's a song

If it's today that you're back at work then I wish you luck. Head high - shoulders back and smile!

What a horrible situation you're in Elsa I don't have much in the way of advice but would recommend having a course of cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) to learn some coping strategies for having to work with OW. It's along the lines of what previous posters said with the "enough now" talk, and I found it really helpful when I was stuck in a stressful situation.

Another think you could try, which is really simple but has been scientifically proven to work, is to put on a smile. Something to do with the muscles in the face that make a smile actually cause hormones to be released that make us happier. As someone else said "fake it till you make it".

And could you talk to your manager to see if OW could be moved so you don't have to see here every day?