Shock, denial & grief, waiting for the Anger!

[Balders74]

Just had a talk with my H through lots of tears on both sides. He is determined that I am making a mistake, am I prepared to throw away 15 years, he has some great plans for his business in 2015......

I repeated that it was too late & I do not want to be in a relationship with him anymore. That he should go & do the plans he has for the business but without me.

He thinks we will all be much happier staying together in the long run, I disagreed. He left. No idea where he has gone or when he will be back.

So I suspect it will be anger next. Need to tell my DS what is happening.

Well done for doing this Balders, I'm here with the early . You've taken the first step, this is going to be messy but still the right thing. Any of your friends about? I hope you're ok.

Hi Handy. I'm ok, just overwhelmed a bit really. I've told both the DCs, they both cried.

I have just found a note from H saying he doesn't want to go on without his family. It is not like him to be a drama queen so I hope he doesn't do anything stupid. I thought about texting him but I think I'll leave it. He could probably do with some space.

My 8 yo DS said he does love his Dad but he shouts a lot and he won't miss his stinky farts . He said it would feel weird without him here.

Just waiting for him to reappear as he has not taken anything with him.

Well done Balders. Expect the angry etc - but be prepared to just ride it through. I am sure it will be better on the other side.

Agree with somethingtodo you've got to ride this next bit out. Men do seem to feel shocked when a crap relationship ends (which tbh prob says a lot about how they 'expect' to be 'looked after' by women in marriage). Glad you are OK, you've survived telling the kids - you are awesome. I hope you have wine or something stronger in the house to steady your nerves. Hope he comes back calm and acts rationally and doesn't try to ball you out. Do your friends know you've done the deed????

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OP has another thread here which gives background.

I went straight to my best friend's house this morning for a hug & moral support.

He seems to think our issues stem from his lack of providing & while that is part of it there are many other issues that have contributed. He is dominating, a bully, grumpy etc. We had sex twice last year which shows how far apart we have grown.

It is time but watching him crying because he is losing everything is heartbreaking but he should assumed I would just put up with his shit!

Balders hope you are doing OK. Ignore the drama lama stuff - this is just vindictive anger and shock.

In your earlier thread you said that you had planned to see your RL friends after you had told him. Do you have anyone around.

Are your expectations that he will move out? Did you discuss this? When will this be? Have you seen a solicitor? I looks like you are going to continue to support him financially - is this wise?

Hi Something

I have seen my RL friend & had a good cry. Spoke to my DSis earlier as well.

I am hoping he will move out, we will move if he is stupid about it. He can't support our house but could support a small flat. We did not discuss it. As soon as he realised I was not changing my mind he left.

I have not seen a solicitor as yet. Will look into that next week. I am not planning on supporting him financially. I said I would give him some money to get a flat but after that he is in his own. I am trying to head off any excuses he could come up with for not moving out.

He can't go to his parents because (wait for it) his 48 year old sister lives with them!!

He feels that this is his year for his business so if he is right (been waiting 4 year so far) then he can start supporting our DCs.

Keep strong.

Had an interesting 24 hours! H left last night, no idea where he went. He then put a post on FB saying that everything he loves has been taken away from him & he was done. He then turned his phone off. Our DD saw the message, showed me & text him but got no answer so got upset. Then I started getting messages from people because it is totally out of character for him to post something like that. So I was left explaining to people.

He came home at 1am & slept on the sofa & was gone when I woke up. He the text me to say I have to tell his parents. I can't do that at the moment because his Mum has a 48 hour heart tape on until tomorrow. A couple of friends have said he should tell them but at least if I tell them they will get my version of why it has happened.

So he came back this afternoon, packed a bag & spoke to the DC separately. DD came down crying because he has told her he has to leave but has no-where to go. He the spoke to DS & he came down crying too. So when he came down I told him he could stay until he found somewhere & he was crying and just said thanks and left. I now have two very upset kids!

He has since text DD to say he will be back after the weekend because he has no-where to go. At least I don't have to worry about him appearing at some point tonight. I can take sleeping pill & get some sleep.

So I am feeling like shit, which probably what he was hoping would happen!!

I just keep telling myself it will be worth it.

What an arse how despicable of him putting it on FB to scare his children and friends that he was attempting suicide...and utterly humiliating for him.

But unsurprising I suppose.

Ignore the drama lama stuff - this is just vindictive anger and shock.....keep strong for your children.

It will be worth it -- it will be better soon - you just need to ride the storm.

Man's a cunt and a manipulative cunt at that.

A drama queen.
Manipulative bastard.

Ride out the storm - this is your mantra for the coming weeks.

Keep your DC close - this will be very upsetting and unsettling for them thanks to that tossers stupid, immature behaviour This time next year things will be better.

He has since text DD to say he will be back after the weekend because he has no-where to go.

watch yourself balders. This sounds like manipulation and there's a high chance - perhaps very high - that he'll try to stay by one means or antoher to get around you and get things back to normal.

Stay strong, and stay calm.

Hi all. Thanks for your comments. Wanted to give an update (it's going to be a long one)
STBXH went to my Dsis's house on Saturday, sounds strange but he gets on very well with BiL & my Dsis text to ask if it was ok. Tbh I was just happy he wasn't at home & I could relax. Had a lovely chilled out evening with the DC.

He then text me on Sunday saying 'I love you & miss you'. Bleugh! Then I get a long text saying he was not going to give up on us & he had an epiphany a few weeks ago & realised that he was taking all his inadequacies out on everyone else etc. blah blah. So I responded asking if he was thinking about his epiphany when he was bawling at the kids on Boxing Day & generally being an arse over Christmas?? It would seem not! His response was that he was stressed & felt really bad about it.

Got a text from one of his friends saying he has never seen him like this & it has been a really eye opener for him & he really believes STBXH will change this time. I said I'd heard it all before!

I told his Dsis on Saturday & she turned up on Sunday morning & gave me the 3rd degree. Did I tell him I was unhappy before now? YES! Many times. Have I tried hard enough to make it work etc. and because I feel so guilty about hurting him I took it but have since thought I should have told her to FO! She is 48, lives with her parents & has never had a serious relationship so I don't need to be lectured by someone who has no clue what is going on! Anyway, I wanted to know from her when it would be a good time to tell his parents.

I went to see them on Sunday afternoon without the DC & told them. His DM was upset but understood, she said she thought there was something wrong when we last went round for dinner because we didn't speak to each other at all. His DF was stoney faced & didn't say anything. I was there for about 15 mins max.

Our DS was upset when I told him about the split because he wouldn't be able to give his DF a kiss good night so while he was gone I said DS could phone him to say goodnight & he was happy with that.

Text STBXH Sunday evening to ask if he was coming back because if he was I would sleep with DD. He said he wasn't sure but would let me know ASAP.

He did come back & had been sick on himself whilst driving back so then proceeded to put his clothes in the washing machine but had no clue how to turn it on!!!!

He was perfectly normal & sat making copious notes. I went to bed.

So we're all here, he thinks telling me he will change will make it all ok & having a business plan will sort it out. I am not swayed at all. I have no faith in his words, heard it all before! I have sent him some links for flats he could rent & will bring it up tonight that I want him to move out ASAP.

If he wants to improve himself & get his business going then great but not here with us. I think he is still in denial & I am going to have to be brutally honest & tell him that there is nothing he can say that will change my mind but if he really his changed then prove it by being reasonable & leave.

Oh and when I suggested he take that attention seeking FB post down before his DF sees it, he unfriended me & all my friends!! That made me laugh, what a fucking child!!!

I am not working today & he has gone out so I am just trying to relax & prepare for the next round. I think he will get angry when he sees that I can't be swayed. Joy!!!

What a nightmare! I'm gobsmacked at his drama-creating refusal to leave and his continued cruelty. He's involving mates, he's running around being sick on himself and effectively throwing his garbage all over all of you. I actually feel ill myself reading this.

Just for now I'm actually speechless

He was making copious notes? To make you feel threatened no doubt BUT it wouldn't surprise me if he was to reveal that today he's been out on the hunt for a lawyer. Don't be surprised if you get something legal through soon. Might be time to start thinking along those lines yourself, Balders?

There must be someone in the various family members he could stay with? Though I suspect now he would simply refuse to leave. That ship may have sailed, as they say.

Oh Balders, how stressful. I am so sorry he is being like this.
Stay strong.
I am here holding your hand.

Oh Balders. I'm sorry. I think it may be time to start adopting the stuck record approach: 'we are over, please move out ASAP' and refuse to engage with him on any other level.

He's still not hearing you and this tells you even more about him.

I'm sorry you are getting the third degree from family -totally unwarranted. I found that my family weren't able to grasp (and some still can't) quite how poorly you've been treated. It's too uncomfortable for them. You are coping admirably. Hope your friends are there for you IRL.

Have some more I hope he leaves very soon.

Balders, you are doing brilliantly well under such trying circumstances. Keep strong if you can, at least until he's gone

I think the copious notes were related to his fantastic new business plan that will be the miracle cure in his eyes. He wants to tell me about it but I'm not that interested tbh.

Have spent the day in bed today, I'm so tired. DS is home shortly so the 'I'm ok' face will be back in place.

The last few days have made me see a side to STBXH that I was unaware of - drama queen!

On a positive not my PiL usually puck DS up from school on Tuesday & have said they will carry on, so he will be pleased. I want to keep things as normal possible for the DC. DS is 8 & doesn't understand as much as DD who is 14.

Thank you all for your continued support.

balders do you need to put a stop on any joint accoutns you hold, or ensure he can't run up debt in your name?

also, consider hiding your vital paperworks.

When people separate, unsuspected unpleasant sides can surface.

We do have a joint account but I don't think I can remove him without his consent. I need to contact the bank to find out.

He is definitely in denial. Apparently he has written me a letter to outline the solution to all our problems. The conversation yesterday went as follows:

HIM- please read the letter with an open mind
ME- I am not going to change my mind
HIM- read it with an open mind, you have to give me a chance
ME- laugh/snort, shake my head
HIM - why are you laughing?
ME - how many times have I told you I was unhappy & given you a chance to change??
HIM - grunt.... Just read the letter & leaves

I'll add that I haven't got this miracle letter yet. I asked him this morning when I would get it & he said maybe tomorrow & left. So I text him & said stop stalling, I want the letter tonight but prepare yourself that it will probably make no difference because it has taken me a long time to make this decision & words will not make a difference.

I just want to get the letter, read it & tell him I have not changed my mind so it is really over, deal with it!

Even my Dsis is saying I should read the letter & think about it. She knows I have been unhappy but ........

Jesus I have spent 15 years being bullied by this man & now I have finally got enough courage together to get out & they think I haven't already thought about it!!!!!