Shock, denial & grief, waiting for the Anger!

[Balders74]

Just had a talk with my H through lots of tears on both sides. He is determined that I am making a mistake, am I prepared to throw away 15 years, he has some great plans for his business in 2015......

I repeated that it was too late & I do not want to be in a relationship with him anymore. That he should go & do the plans he has for the business but without me.

He thinks we will all be much happier staying together in the long run, I disagreed. He left. No idea where he has gone or when he will be back.

So I suspect it will be anger next. Need to tell my DS what is happening.

Oh it's awful Balders it's the not being 'heard' by your nearest and dearest that hurts so much.

FWIW when he gives you the letter you should tear it up in front of him - it will be the powerful message he clearly needs.

Hugs to you.

I wouldnt give him the satisfaction of you reading it -- he has not listened to you and your needs for 15 years...the marriage is over - there is nothing to discuss.

My man-child, passive aggressive fool of a STBXH - WROTE ME A NOVEL - really!! ... a romantic fiction of two people destined to be together forever.... - he did NOTHING that I asked of him (sort his finances, learn to parent, stop drinking, pick his skiddy pants of the bathroom floor, reset the heating thermostat.....)

Stick with it....I am couple of days behind you....

Stay strong Balders and don't worry about what anyone else thinks. I'm not sure if I've seen any of your other threads, so don't know the backstory. But all that matters here is that you know the situation and that you have had enough. This is all that counts. You don't have to give anyone chances (although from what you say - clearly you have already addressed the problems in the relationship and he has had opportunities in the past to do something about it, but hasn't).

As for this letter - I would think he'd have already given it to you if he was going to

But seeing as a letter from him isn't going to make any difference at all - don't give it another thought, and don't ask him for it again. All that does it makes it appear as if you care what he may have to say.

And I'd agree that his suicide implications and making the chilren feel bad are ways to get attention and make you second-guess yourself. My ex (we split in October) has behaved the same way (almost identical actually - I had to even grin at the part where you were talking about your ex's 'epiphany' as mine did the same thing) although he has not said things that are upsetting to the children. He did ruin the fact he was supposed to take them on a trip this Christmas though because he sent me a goodbye note in the middle of the night two days before he was supposed to have them, so then I didn't let them go.

Anyway, stay strong, ignore his attempts - and just make him get out. Don't let him hang around with his "I have nowhere to go" excuses or you will never get rid of him. He wants to stay, and he'll manipulate you to remain in the house any way he can. The day mine left he tried to stay by saying that he had nowhere to go and would end up in a men's shelter. I said "so be it, pack your things and go" and miraculously he ended up finding a single room to rent in a basement appartment close to where he works.

Your ex is a big boy. He'll manage.

That should read "he ended up finding a single room to rent in a basement appartment close to where he works on the very same day the relationship officially ended and he was told it was over."

Oh Balders - what an absolute pity party by snail mail he is throwing. Don't renege on throwing him out of your life. You owe him nothing. Abusers seem to start from the point of believing that everyone owes them life and soul ... like *doh ....

As suggested, don't ask for the letter again. Maybe don't even read it? I don't know; I guess curiosity might get the better of me BUT it's equally possible this letter contains a list of thinly veiled threats about why the DC should stay with him and you should leave penniless. It might be a tale of deep, deep love and the changes he will implement to prove it. But personality changes don't happen at core level, so don't be frightened or fooled in any case.

Excellent post Mom2K

Well that really takes the . I went into the conservatory for a work call and noticed STBXH over by my sofa. So I went back into the lounge because my call had not started and he had been looking through my phone!!!!! He dropped it when I came back in but it was lit up and unlocked so pretty obvious! I said that's my phone you're looking through and he blustered something about not looking at it.

OMG I am sooo ANGRY . How fucking dare he!!!

Well I am not getting the letter until tomorrow morning now and I have a good mind to tell him to poke it up his nosey arse!!!!

He is trying his father of the year act at the moment but tbh it does not change how I feel in the slightest!!! It is nice for the DCs that he is not shouting at them but I know it wouldn't last.

Although he is still today telling 14 yo DD that she has comedy eyebrows, even though I have told him not to because she is at a delicate age and comments like that could have a lasting impact. They are not btw, maybe a bit overzealous with the eyebrow pencil but she is 14 and finding her way. So he still does not care about the impact his words are having.

Thank you all for your advise. I have a feeling things are going to be hotting up over the next few days!!!

OMG! Obviously you will be changing or adding a p/w to your phone ... but grrrrrrrrrr .... *spit spit spit .... i need cat language icons here ... with claws

We're here for you

Balders, I don't have a lot to say about how you're dealing with your STBX, because frankly I'm in awe of you right now. I do want to add something about the advice you're getting from relatives though.

Society seems to condition women to try harder to make things work and doesn't often take into account the fact that a woman has, in all likelihood, tried bloody hard already before deciding to split.

I don't want to justify the advice you're getting from your DSis and others, because I think they are wrong, but it might help you to think that they believe they're trying to help, their intentions are probably not bad, and they probably think they're being supportive to you in some way. They're wrong and they should know better, it's not fair on you to question your decision, but try not to see it as malicious or spiteful, just spectacularly incorrect social conditioning.

Stay strong, repeat that you've given lots of chances and confirm that this is definitely the end of the line for your relationship. They'll soon catch on and hopefully he will too.

After I had calmed down enough to leave the conservatory last night I told him he needs to find somewhere else to live ASAP. He admited that he had been looking through my phone because his life is falling apart and he wants to know what is going on.

So I told him what was going on; that our marriage is over and that it doesn't really matter what he has written in a letter because it would make no difference as I have made my decision. I got very angry, in fact it is probably the most angry he has seen me in a long time because usually it doesn't get me very far. So I laid out a few home truths about our time together, the many chances he has been presented with to improve our lives and that there would be no more. He said 'I know' a lot.

He gave me his letter and I left it downstairs without reading it and went to bed still raging.

So now that is out of the way hopefully he has got the message and will find somewhere else to live quickly.

Hooty thank you for your message.

Balders74 I'm in awe of you. Keep going. I hope he leaves soon

balders, you aren't doing any of his washing / cooking / whatever are you?

help him get the message by putting a lock on the fridge if you have to, and arranging within earshot for a locksmith to come.

You are amazing! The sheer power that exudes from your report alone is immense. What it must have felt like to be on the receiving end of such utter yet eloquently controlled Fury, I daren't even imagine. Wow.

Keep going Balders. I am here for you. You're being amazing

Hi everyone. Just a quick update. We don't seem to be much further down the line. STBXH is still here, I am sleeping in DD's room. The last week or so have been weird, he said he is not giving up on our relationship and has turned into Father of the year, taking the kids out, picking them up from school, helping with homework etc. I have no faith in it being a long term change.

Apart from sleeping in separate beds things are pretty normal, which I hate because I want things to change. I think he was thinking that if he just carried on as if nothing had happened we would just slip back into it without noticing. He even suggested that I should sleep in our bed again and he promised not to touch me. Not going to happen.

So this was all happening until last night. He gave me another letter saying our marriage was worth saving, he doesn't want to be a weekend Dad etc. I responded by saying I am not going to change my mind, he needs to move out ASAP.

Off he goes being a drama queen again, gave our DD his wedding ring saying he wouldn't be needing it & left the house. Then posted on FB saying 15 years down the drain. My DD wasn't very happy seeing that as she feels it makes it seem like they are a waste of time.

He has said he is not moving out yet because he can't afford to, I said get a job like everybody else!!!! He said that it will be uncomfortable but I made this situation so I'll have to put up with it. Oh yeah, all my doing!

So one baby step forward, he may finally have accepted it is over. Denial over, anger next!

Have had no contact from his family since I went to tell them. It was my birthday on 10th & I got a card from them but they hadn't even written my name in it . This really hurts. I am not close to my DM & my MiL was like a DM to me. I understand that they are shocked & hurt.

So we're in limbo at the moment. He is still freeloading as he's done for most of our marriage & there is nothing I can do to get him out .

Yes there is see a solicitor asap.

You cannot be held hostage in your own home. Each of these dramas will injure you and your children. Cut to the chase and take legal action.

My STBXH behaved like this for the last 10 years of our 30 year relationship - he just refused to accept it was over - and I allowed it.

We have been in separate bedrooms for the last 6 months (actually - he was on the sofa - refused to sort a bed in spare room - just for the drama/denial impact)

I just took the bull by the horns and told the kids last week - he moved out on Saturday to my amazement....in with his alcoholic mother - he seems happy as a pig in shit.

Maybe the solution is to get him out somewhere temporary (friend/family for a few weeks) - and quick and then he can work out where/how he wants to live....nothing like a reality check...otherwise he will be overwhelmed and refusing to buy/rent somewhere as this will be such a big deal - but a transitionary/interim place is good for you.

Thanks Something. Unfortunately there is no where that he can go. His Dsis lives with his Parents, he has no other family and all his friends are married with kids and have no room for him and/or don't want him. There really is nowhere for him to go.

I am going to make an appointment with a solicitor to find out where I stand. I fear that although he has paid nothing towards the house because it is in both our names I can't do anything to force him out.

It did say to him when we first split up that if he wouldn't move then I would look for a house to rent and change all the bills for our house into his name and leave him to pay for it all. Maybe I should call his bluff and book to see a couple of houses. Getting a flat would seems like a damn good option to being left to pay for our house then

Oh wow. What an idiot he is, Balders. Got to have his drama and shove it in DD face too. Did you say you could afford to move out, at least temporarily, or am I fantasising on your behalf?

I wonder how materially uncomfortable for him you could make this situation?
You should get legal advice too.

I can afford to move out, I am the breadwinner. The problem with that would be that eventually our house would be repossessed because he can't afford to pay for it and that wouldn't benefit either of us. I just wonder if he thinks I wouldn't go through with moving out because of that. TBH he is right BUT it wouldn't hurt to go through the motions of looking for a house to rent just to put the wind up him.

Last night I considered putting a duvet downstairs for him to make it clear that I was moving back into our bed and he could sleep on the sofa. My DD is getting fed up of having me in her bed . I didn't do it in the end but it seems like a good idea now. I have also been doing his washing and shall now stop. I was trying to be the bigger person and keep him sweet in the hope that he would be amicable and move out but that has not happened.

God I hate playing games, why can't he just sort himself out and get gone!!!!

FGS, he's one selfish man, using his child as a way of beating you again.

He doesn't have to live with family or friends, he could get a one bed flat or a room in a flat, the private rental market is well and alive.

Everything you write just screams how much he just sees things from HIS point of view, if he was a decent man, he'd do what you ask and give you some space at least, as it is, he is still exerting his authority by forcing you to sleep with your child whilst he languishes in the double bed, priceless. Stop doing anything for him, that will just give the impression he has a chance.

I wonder if you could move out then rent out your half of the property? Would that achieve anything? I don't suppose a sane lodger would last long in that scenario ... just a wickedly enjoyable thought. I also wonder how far down the repossession line things could go and still be saveable? He might be eligible for help being housed if he's made homeless but the timing might be impossible.

Could you afford to put the house up for sale as is? Obviously he would object etc but it's only later down the line that you would need legal stuff to force actual sale, I think? Could be wrong!

Mad isn't it? Maybe Plan A to make it known you are looking and viewing is better.

Dont let him drain you of any more money - dont let your home be repossessed - you will have poor credit rating as well as significant loss.

You need to see a lawyer asap so that you know what your options are.

You can do this on the phone - I called one for the first time yesterday just to make an appt (seeing her on Monday) - but was put straight thru and had a v helpful 20 mins call. Also most lawyers do a free 30 mins initial consultation - so go see 3 and choose one you want to work with.

This cannot be a unique situation - that OH refuses to move....I am sure someone will tell you what your next step should be.

Could you put the house up for sale? Would it sell quickly? You could then just buy him out at the v last minute - by which time he will have found somewhere else. Courts can force a sale if one person is dragging their heels.

I have called two local solicitors and they don't offer a free initial consultation. One was £50 for half an hour and the other £90(!) for an hour. I have made an appointment for the cheaper one for next week.

I don't want to sell the house as I would not be able to buy another one. I am self employed and would not be able to get another mortgage.

I want to know if he is entitled to any of the property. The deposit for this house came from the sale of the a house I owed solely and he has not contributed to this property since we've lived here. That is what I need to know from a solicitor.

That facebook post and the wedding ring drama just confirms what he is.....

Well done for sticking to your guns. I you can afford it, pay the solicitors as they will advise you well.

Hopefully the end is near but you need to stay strong and not be convinced by this father of the year act.

Balders have you asked that last Qn on Legal board here? Might be worth the posting? I have a feeling that as an H he might have entitlement to some of the property after 15yrs. And yeah, I totally get that the house is actually better being kept by you! Could he be tempted by an offer? Though I think you offered something already? I know nothing legally, I am just so grrrrrr about it all on your behalf!