Shock, denial & grief, waiting for the Anger!

[Balders74]

Just had a talk with my H through lots of tears on both sides. He is determined that I am making a mistake, am I prepared to throw away 15 years, he has some great plans for his business in 2015......

I repeated that it was too late & I do not want to be in a relationship with him anymore. That he should go & do the plans he has for the business but without me.

He thinks we will all be much happier staying together in the long run, I disagreed. He left. No idea where he has gone or when he will be back.

So I suspect it will be anger next. Need to tell my DS what is happening.

If you google "family lawyers in xyz town" - the ones with 30 mins free are flagged. If you have been bank-rolling him for years you should really somehow try to find the money to save your home. The one I am seeing said that we might only ever need a single session to thrash out options.

I also know of couples where on divorce % of property is earmarked for husband (maybe 20%) if wife cannot afford to buy husband out at the time but the wife gets to stay in the home until youngest is 18 .... and house is then sold and proceeds divided.

Are you still being his housewife? Laundry, cooking, remember that little Johnny needs a warm hat today, etc?

Please be aware that he has as much right, legally, to be in the house as you do. You can't change the locks! Also he is entitled to a share of the equity if you divorce.

I've had a year of legal advice and still my stbx is here in the spare room so I know how difficult it is. Best of luck!

So what if his Dsis is living with his parents! He can sleep on the sofa. My DH got a job 500 miles away and there was a 4 month period where my brother, myself, AND my 3 yo DS were living at my parents! Yes, it was crowded, but we managed. His parents can manage, too.

I think it's really a shame that your decision is being disrespected by some of the people around you. Who are they to question your decision? I think I'd just repeat "I don't love you/him anymore. Our marriage is over. You/He knows the real reasons why. I'm not discussing it further".

You need to take back the bedroom - why are you sleeping with Dd when he has the bed? Of course he should have the sofa. Him keeping the bedroom reinforced his idea that you are temporarily huffy with him and will go back to normal. Reclaim your bedroom . Remove all his clothes from the wardrobe and put them in suitcases. Buy new bedding. Make it feel psychologically yours and make him feel unwelcome.
Then give him a deadline to move out. Sure I know you can't legally change the locks but you can do a lot of things to coerce him into leaving. He can't afford the house himself so it's not ethically wrong to do so. Make his life as uncomfortable as possible.
Also make your Dd change her Facebook settings so she doesn't see his updates.

What Ehric said. And put a lock on the bedroom door, even if it's just a slide-bolt on the inside so you can lock yourself in when you go to bed.

Joint a/c wise I just think you need an a/c in your own name. What would be the point of taking his name off, even if you could, on that one? Make sure any money that's yours goes into YOUR OWN a/c. You could even remove half the joint a/c money to start up your new one. You'd need to do the numbers and decide what's best for bills etc according to what happens now, but you need to safeguard YOUR stuff!

Whilst bolts on doors seem appealing, in practice this is not going to be helpful. H goes to the bedroom early I think? It's unlikely Balders can physically throw him out of there and any locks added to doors would be used against her by him. Surely? Similarly, putting his stuff elsewhere isn't going to be any sort of persuasion, though if it happened continuously then it might be insanely irritating for him!

www.templock.co.uk/templock

This ^ plus a flip latch or slide bolt on the inside.

Many gestures or actions during a time like this, when you have a spouse/partner who will not accept that it's over, are somewhat symbolic. Bedroom locks, packing bags, stopping all 'wifework', etc for the partner are partially practical, partially to convince that person that you really mean it. OP's H doesn't believe her when she says it's over and thinks he only has to stay put until he wears her down. She needs to convince him she means it and words aren't working.

That being said, OP should do nothing that might jeopardize her safety.

It isn't that I disagree with you AcrossthePond. Not at all. I adore the advice and insight you give too. But if I recall right, this guy goes to the bedroom about 8pm while OP is still sorting DC and stuff out. I might be misremembering and Balders can set me straight

So how can she get him out of the bedroom? He is not going to agree is he? Or even worse, he'll go sleep in DDs room ...

I don't think the bedroom matters one iota, there's a bigger battle afoot. There should be no food available to him - I'd be in favour of spending a bit to get a padlock on the fridge and washer for instance! There must be passwords that can be changed on puters/main tv that would exclude him too. Have a mailbox put up outside and you have the only key. But all this depends too on how confrontational and provocative you feel Balders

Thanks all for your messags. Last night DD wasn't feeling very well and I told STBXH that I wanted him to sleep on the sofa so she could have her bed back for a night. He refused and said there was no reason why I couldn't sleep in the bed with him. I said there was a very good reason and thanked him for being so bloody selfish. I then said that I would be starting to look for somewhere for us to move to because this can't go on and in the meantime I want £100 pw, no more freeloading.

He said it wasn't that he would never move out just not immediately and that if I found the situation so disgusting then maybe I should move out but that I don't have the kids best interests at heart just my own and I was being acidic!!!

I then got the 'you're taking my kids away from me' speech and he hates that he can't provide etc. and if I was trying to make him angry it wouldn't work. Now there's a turn up for the books because 3 weeks ago it wasn't necessary to try to make him angry, it was his natural state!

Jesus I was so angry. And he then told me that he wouldn't be here tonight so I could have the bed back for a night. If/when he does finally move out he can take that fucking bed and I will buy myself a nice cosy one with no tears and memories in it.

I can assure you I am not doing any wifely duties, I can barely be in the same room as him! He is being all chatty, almost as if nothing is happening, it is freaky.

I have a solicitor appointment on Thursday. I got a confirmation letter today so I'm going to leave that lying about. And I am going to try very hard not to lose my temper because it doesn't get me anywhere, it just makes me look like the shitty one and I have done nothing wrong.

I am also going to open a bank account of my own and move all the direct debits across and just leave the joint one one empty. He has always had his own account that any money he gets goes into and I have no clue what his financial situation is, I just know he got shitty if I asked for any money. I have transferred money into his account, enough for a deposit and first months rent but he says he can't sustain the rent on an ongoing basis, so I told him to get a fucking job like everyone else has to.

He really lives in cloud coocko land. He has a works van and a car, he does not need both and I told him that when he got the van about a year ago but he flatly refused to sell the car. I pointed out to him the other day that if he sold the car that would give him another couple of grand to use for rent. His response was that he wouldn't get rid of the car for personal reasons that I wouldn't understand!!!!! Probably because I am not a selfish fucker with the emotional capacity of a raisin.

So I shall be sleeping in a bed that now feels wrong but at least my DD gets her bed back for a night!

Sorry it has been a long one & thank you for your continued support

I so like your fire and spirit Balders

The vindictive me would quite like to have seen his face when you announced he should pay rent! Keep on about this because I think you can at least bluff it that your solicitor will be adding his arrears onto everything else he has to pay.

I'm still gobsmacked at the statement that there's "no reason why you can't sleep in the same bed as him" ... like WTF??

You're awesome!

He can sign on and claim jsa can't he! Like every other out of work person.

Strangely he didn't even acknowledge the rent thing! He could sign on & he could claim housing benefit but according to his twisted logic it is only ok to sponge off your wife & not the state

The sleeping in the bed thing was said with 'you slept next to me for God knows how long hating me & not touching me before so why not now'. WTF is exactly right!

I asked 8 yo DS how he was feeling about things & how I thought it was nice with STBXH not here & he said that it was ok at the moment because he was being nice all the time. So he's got one fooled.

DD is having none of it though. She has taken a lot from him over the years, she could never do right as hard as she tried & regularly used to ask me why I was still with him. I had a wobble earlier in the week when he told me how devastated his DM is and that she thought of me as a daughter etc. I got upset & my DD gave me a good talking to and made me see sense by reminding me of all the reasons I made the decision in the first place.

This whole thing has made me see what an amazing young lady she has become. I was never 'allowed' to spend time with her upstairs because he would get in a strop but now I am spending time talking to her, laughing & just spending time together & it is wonderful. It does make me sad that I didn't do this sooner

I think I see your point tipsy. If he goes into the bedroom at 8 pm at least Balders has peace in the rest of the house after then. If she were to 'reclaim' the bedroom by putting a lock on it so he could neither get in nor out of it, she'd have to see him downstairs until she chose to go to bed.

I guess I was just thinking that if she could force him into sleeping on the sofa maybe he'd be uncomfortable enough to leave. Probably not.

Balders, it's pretty obvious that he's 'in it for the long run' meaning that he thinks that if he hangs in long enough, you'll give in. All you can do is carry on and see that solicitor!

Your MIL is devastated because she loves you - not because she is angry. Could you text her to say you hope that you can keep your relationship going forward - maybe when the dust settles?....only if you want to and it is not too complicated ?

Your STBXH wont go to friends or family as he will be exposed as the cock lodger that he is.

Stick with it - wishing you strength...a little action of detaching every day, inch by inch.....well done on booking the solicitor.

And what a wonderful thing to come out of this already - reclaiming/building a better, deeper, relationship with your daughter.....nothing beats thats - congratulations what a gift for you to have the opportunity now to nurture for your dd to grow in confidence as she becomes a young woman - she now has a wonderful role strong model who knows what is the right thing to do and the courage and strength to make it happen.

Thank you Something more than anything I want both my DC to be able to have warm & fulfilling relationships as adults.