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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

fiance has left me - shoulder needed !!

68 replies

sunflower74 · 14/10/2006 12:11

moved out and took all of this things. its all my fault i have been feeling really insecure since had baby (now 4 months). we went out lastnight and got v drunk. he pushed me away when we got home for no reason and i sat in my car, rang him and told him i was going to kill myself! ridiculous i know but too late. he has gone back to his parents saying he wants nothing more to do with me and its totally over. our son was staying there and he wont give him back until i see a doctor. they all think i have post natal depression. i do but just havent wanted to admit it. i am going to go to the docs on monday but that wont bring my fiance back! i had everything and have thrown it all away. i dont know what to do....

OP posts:
Zippetydoodahzippetyday · 14/10/2006 12:13

Oh so sorry for you am sure he will talk to you once he has calmed down.

CreepyCrawlyCarmenere · 14/10/2006 12:15

Go to the doctor asap. Your fiance is acting in a responsible manner by protecting your baby and forcing you to get the help you need to be happy. Would you want to build a life with someone who is depressed yet won't help herself? Give yourselves the best chance for a happy future by helping yourself to get better.

Greensleeves · 14/10/2006 12:16

Oh, sweetheart, it ISN'T your fault. Having a baby is a huge assault on your system, the early months are overwhelming and exhausting, and you do sound as though you might be depressed. I really, really strongly think you need to see a doctor - there's no shame in it, it's very very common and it doesn't reflect at all on your parenting or your love for your baby.

I think you need to start by getting yourself sorted out - see the doctor, think about what you want to say to your fiance and try and catch up on a bit of sleep if you can.

I don't know what else to suggest , I have no experience of your situation, I can't give practical advice on getting your son back, but there will be other MNers who can help - keep posting.

paddingtonbear1 · 14/10/2006 12:22

sunflower it's not your fault, pnd is an illness. Go to your doctor and explain, once you've had the treatment you need things will get better. I suspect your fiance has done this to shock you into going to the docs - although saying it's over already seems a bit harsh, your son is only 4 months! Once he knows you've been to get help though things should improve and maybe then he'll discuss the future. Hang in there!!

Tattie100 · 14/10/2006 12:24

SO sorry to hear about this sunflower, how awful - with or without postnatal depression, after a baby you need support and understanding not accusations and threats, furthermore it is very important for your little baby that environment the you and your fiance (and his family provide is secure. If you think you have pnd then you MUST see a doctor. You may also want to avoid alcohol (not judging you, by the way) because if you are depressed it will only make matters worse. However, be easy on yourself, pregnancy, childbirth, sleeplessness - they all play havoc with your mental and physical well-being and you may need someone that doesn't have a stake in the situation (like your GP or a counsellor) to talk to. Also try NHS DIRECT www.nhsdirect.nhs.uk/articles/article.aspx?articleId=429
Let your partner calm down, and wait until you are calm too, and then maybe broach the subject of meeting up somewhere neutral (ie not your own place, not at his families) and be prepared to be as honest as poss about yourself and how you are feeling. If he is at his wits end, he will be relieved that you want to resolve things. I don't know what else to say, but sending best wishes.

Greensleeves · 14/10/2006 12:35

Your fiance is probably overtired and in shock too, the first few months with a baby are so hard. It will be easier to talk to him once you have been to the doctors and calmed down a bit, I think.

Tattie100 · 14/10/2006 12:40

Agree with Greensleeves, new babies v. difficult for new fathers too. See your GP, try to rest a bit, let everyone calm down.

Tattie100 · 14/10/2006 12:45

Do look up Post Natal Depression on NHS Direct though - sooo many women suffer from it and the sooner you get some proper help the better.

Original poster
sunflower74 · 14/10/2006 14:36

thanks everyone - have just had a friend over to comfort me. i do think i have PND and am going to go to the docs. i dont think it will bring my fiance back tho. i think i have overstepped the mark. i have lost everything and he is the only one i have ever loved. i cant imagine not being with him. i miss my family so much am so alone. the tears are hitting keyboard. i know there is nothing anyone can do but i really appreciate the support. i am not contacting him as i think this will make things worse at the minute. hopefully he will come round and give it another go but am not holding out much hope.

OP posts:
CreepyCrawlyCarmenere · 14/10/2006 14:39

But PND is an illness and once you get better he may well change his mind when he gets the old you back. Please believe that you can be happy again, accept all the help that is offered to you. Where are your family?

YeahBat · 14/10/2006 14:47

Where is your son now and have you seen him today? It is reasonable for your fiance to take care of him if you are not able to but you should still see him.
You're being incredibly brave by admitting the problem. Why wait 'til Monday to start sorting it? Does your GP have an out of hours service? I think this definitely qualifies for that kind of attention.
I had PND myself and it can be utterly devastating. You can beat it and you can feel normal again. I am absolutely positive that once you start to feel calmer, your relationship can be put back on track again.{{{Hug}}}

Tattie100 · 14/10/2006 14:51

Yeah, creepy is right, first and foremost you must concentrate on getting yourself better. You can never predict what other people will do, so you don't know what your fiance will do now or in the future, but you can take action for yourself. Once you feel more like yourself you will assess your situation in a much calmer way and that will be a better starting point.

tribpot · 14/10/2006 14:52

Agree with YeahBat. It's imperative you have contact with your son, today. Phone your GP surgery and there should be a message telling you how to contact the out of hours GP service.

Original poster
sunflower74 · 14/10/2006 14:54

what do i say when i ring the doctors? i cant see what they can do for me now? i dont want to be sectioned? i havent seen baby he didnt bring him when he came to collect his things. i understand why they are doing it dont get me wrong - but i miss him so much. i am with him 24/7. he has stayed away from me only 3 times. i do want help - i just dont know if its a bit too late for my relationship. my life has come crashing down

OP posts:
Tattie100 · 14/10/2006 14:57

Good point Yeahbat, call your out of hours doctor, and explain the situation, let him/her know you believe that you have PND and how it has affected your family situation and that you are not being allowed to see your baby - any doctor worth his/her salt will see the seriousness of this illness and will make helping you a priority.

lulumama · 14/10/2006 14:58

you won;t be sectioned....i had severe PND and no-one took my baby from me......you need time to heal and get well...ADs will help and the fact you KNOW you stepped over the mark last night in making your threat of suicide is a positive - you needed to get a reaction and some help.

this has got you to face the fact your are depressed and you need help. with luck, your fiance will be able to talk things through and will see you getting help.

you will get through this...well done on asking for help.

lulumama · 14/10/2006 15:00

my docs had a mental health crisis team i was put in touch with and the community psychiatric nurses used to come round and do relaxation with me ...i was given an emergency number to call 24 hours a day if i was not coping....but no-one ever ever suggested sectioning or taking the baby away......

Tattie100 · 14/10/2006 15:01

Sunflower, a doctor needs to assess you in person, pls don't jump to conclusions, there are lots of different ways of treating PND, but the situation cannot be resolved if you dont ask for help.You deserve to get your life back and your baby deserves to have a happy mother. BIG HUGSXXX

glitterfairy · 14/10/2006 15:01

I think you should ask to see your baby this is not fair to you and is probably making things worse. Maybe you can arrange to see him tomorrow? Ask to spend the mornign or afternoon with him and say youa re seeing a doctor on Monday. PND is an illness and it is treatable. Once you are better there is no reason things will not imporve at the moment it is really tough though and I am thinking of you.

Original poster
sunflower74 · 14/10/2006 15:02

i have rang someone is going to ring me back. they asked if i was feeling suicidal and i said i didnt know???? i think i am but dont think i could do it. and this is the very thing that has made me lose my family. thanks again everyone i really apprecaite this. what will they do? will they take me into hospital or something? will that make it harder for me to get my baby back?

OP posts:
lulumama · 14/10/2006 15:04

i honestly can;t answer that - you might be ok with out patient treatment - if you are feeling suicidal, then they might take you in........it's impossible to say.......it shouldn;t make it harder to get your baby back..you are getting help - you haven't hurt your baby and you are addressing your problems....

be as honest with the docs as you can so that you can get the best care

tribpot · 14/10/2006 15:05

Agree - from family experience, separation from the baby is likely to make the PND worse, not better. My SIL's mum took the baby away for an entire week when he was newborn, it was disastrous. You need to be supported in taking care of him whilst you get yourself sorted out.

Original poster
sunflower74 · 14/10/2006 15:06

i didnt think i was suidical until he asked! now i think i am. i feel so selfish for even thinking about leaving my kids behind

OP posts:
Tattie100 · 14/10/2006 15:07

You are taking steps to get better and I think that one of the MAIN aims of any treatment that you will receive would be to make sure that you and your baby can remain together.

lulumama · 14/10/2006 15:07

there is a difference in not wanting life to carry on as it is and actually wanting to die...if that makes sense....

i think you want to feel better and things to change and you hate living life feeling like this...

you say you would not do anything to hurt yourself and you don't want to leave your baby behind - hold onto those thoughts.