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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

fiance has left me - shoulder needed !!

68 replies

sunflower74 · 14/10/2006 12:11

moved out and took all of this things. its all my fault i have been feeling really insecure since had baby (now 4 months). we went out lastnight and got v drunk. he pushed me away when we got home for no reason and i sat in my car, rang him and told him i was going to kill myself! ridiculous i know but too late. he has gone back to his parents saying he wants nothing more to do with me and its totally over. our son was staying there and he wont give him back until i see a doctor. they all think i have post natal depression. i do but just havent wanted to admit it. i am going to go to the docs on monday but that wont bring my fiance back! i had everything and have thrown it all away. i dont know what to do....

OP posts:

YeahBat · 14/10/2006 21:49

Well done! Hope you feel better soon. Contact your dp tomorrow and see your baby.

Original poster

sunflower74 · 15/10/2006 09:08

morning - those pills helped i slept all night and feel a lot more positive today.

ex sent me a few texts lastnight asking how i was and saying he was pleased i was sounding more positive.
he offered to take the baby on a night and me have him during the day. i said i would rather have my 2 boys with me at home to get some normality back thanks!
part of me thinks he was confused asto why i hadnt been trying to contact him begging all day. i think he has shocked that i have acted totally out of character as i usually have panic attacks when he threatens to leave and drop at his feet etc!

i really really want him back. but a not going to beg. he knows how i feel and how sorry i am.
he knows now that i have admitted i am ill (although i know its no excuse for threatening to kill myself - i went too far)

yes we have had some bad times over the last 4 months because of my attitude - but if he cant see that there is now an explanation for it and that we can get back to how we were then its not worth fighting for.

i know i am not going to get better over night - but a honestly feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders because there is light at the end of the tunnel.

and if he says that he will consider coming back if i get better - I THINK I WILL BE LIKELY TO SMASH HIS FACE IN!!! ;O)

in sickness and in health????????

OP posts:

tribpot · 15/10/2006 11:26

Glad you sound more positive today sunflower. Has he brought your baby back?

lulumama · 15/10/2006 11:32

cannot believe how much better you sound! well done!

Original poster

sunflower74 · 15/10/2006 12:13

his mam rang and i said i was feeling so much better today and i asked what time i was getting baby back. she said i would need to speak to ex about it and i said i would rather just speak to her as he has made his decision etc. she said "well i dont know".

anyway he text saying that his mam said i sound loads better and that he would bring baby home after din.

i replied just saying ok thanks. he text back saying i wasnt saying much? and was i def ok?
what does he want me to say?

i replied saying hav got to focus on future and not the past and thats making me loads more positive. i said knowing the reason he left was because i was ill gives it a reason and makes it easier to move on.

he replied saying "you may not have lost me yet but you need to get better"

who does he think he is?

would you be angry?

i know i will calm down in a bit and i know i still want him back but does he want me to crumble and beg?

OP posts:

Peridot30 · 15/10/2006 12:22

so glad to hear that your feeling better and looking to the future.

Think your partner was shocked by your behaviour and panicked taking your son with him. Having a new baby is hard on mums and dads. You both need to be honest with each other and talk. Hopefully everything works out how you want it to. Goodluck

tribpot · 15/10/2006 12:23

Frankly, he doesn't sound much cop to me. What's he saying, either you magically 'get better' from depression or that's it? What if you get ill again in the future, either with depression or something else?

I would focus on you, and your baby. I can't quite get my head around the idea of you needing to ask when your child will be brought home to you. You're his mother! But that aside, the last thing you need whilst you recover is having to worry constantly about everything you say and how it might be interpreted or used. I would honestly tell him either he learns to be supportive or he naffs off back to his mum's.

tubismybub · 15/10/2006 12:29

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mears · 15/10/2006 12:40

I don't think you should be so hard on him. Is his text not just confirming that he wants to be with you now that you have admitted you are ill? I think you need to speak to him rather than make decisions based on a text.
He has had a bad time too and hasn't known what to do. You need to find out how much he wants to suppotyyou. Good idea for him to speak to doctor and HV to find out how he can help. Hope you can sort it out. Good luck

Xales · 15/10/2006 12:57

I think your partner has done the right thing.

He has put the welfare of your son first that is what a good dad does.

He kept your son in a safe environment until you sought help. He is bringing him back now that you have asked for medical help without any issues or ultimatums from the sounds of things.

You were refusing to face up to or admit that you had a problem. You are not cured. You know that and he knows that.

You have however taken a HUGE step in finally admitting that there is a problem and that is the biggest part on the road to getting better.

There was NOTHING he could do to help you until you admitted this.

I don't think sitting there day after day 'in sickness and in health' going along with things because one half refuses to accept or acknowlege they have a problem is the right way to go.

However now you are getting help, if he is there for you supporting and helping you THAT is how much he loves you and is a decent person.

divastrop · 15/10/2006 13:13

i think he should have been supportive in the first place rather than issuing threats.unless you were at serious risk of harming your baby (which doesnt seem to be the case from what you have said,you only thought about harming yourself)then he had no right to take him.i feel proud that u didnt beg,even though i dont know you but cos i can empathise with you.i think you are being very striong now,yes you did need a kick in the arse to go and get help but what u need now is a man who will support you no matter what,rather than running to his mummy when the going gets tough.

FredBassett · 15/10/2006 13:31

It's great that you have some help now Sunflower - would you have gone and got help if your fiance hadn't walked out? I'm just wondering whether this was the only way he could see to get you to admit the problem. I really hope you manage to work things out with him.

Peridot30 · 15/10/2006 18:00

THink some of you are being harsh on sunflowers partner. Most men cant deal with emotion and depression and would rather walk away. At least he has made her face up to the fact that she has PND.

paddingtonbear1 · 15/10/2006 18:15

hi sunflower how are you doing now? Have you got the baby back? Hope you are still feeling more positive. If your ex-fiance still wants to talk things over I wouldn't give up on your relationship just yet, give it some time and see how you feel.

hub2dee · 15/10/2006 18:44

sunflower - if you found your doctor useful, it might be a good idea to speak to them about getting a referral for ongoing counselling. You might find someone who can help with panic attacks etc. which you mentioned experiencing (form the sound of your post before your baby too, right ?). Maybe the doctor can use the ADs / your current situation to get you a swifter referral ? You might find it helps !

Good luck with everything.

tribpot · 15/10/2006 18:47

Agree with Peridot - I think my comments were rather harsh based on an interpretation of the text message as meaning 'get better or I will leave you for good'.

Tattie100 · 15/10/2006 20:22

Sunflower, I am also so glad to hear that you are sounding a bit more positive and I think that now that you have sought the help that you need and are taking steps to deal with PND you should expect support and compassion from those around you. It is impossible for anyone outside of your relationship to really know what is going on for you and your partner but, as someone who has lived with family members prone to quite serious depression, I know that for those of us who have watched it take hold of a loved one from the sidelines (can't think of a better way to say it) it is really hard to know what the best way to help that person is, especially if that person is determined to try to cope on their own. And if a small baby is also involved it becomes even more complicated because more than the welfare of two adults is involved. All I am saying is don't write him off yet - it is possible that he was sick with worry and ill-equipped to deal with PND. It may be that your relationship will be salvagable, but it will take time, and consideration for each other - being a new dad can be pretty daunting too. Best wishes.

Peridot30 · 15/10/2006 23:56

Hi Sunflower is your baby home? Hope you got to see him today. Let us know how you got on ((hugs))

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