Leaving today

[sus14]

After 4 days now of my abusive h being absolute vile ever morning , in front of dd, and after 6 years of abuse, I've reached my snapping point and told him either he leaves today or we will. Getting out will
Be tricky but I plan to take her to the library in a bit and text him to say we are not returning to house until
He leaves.

I did have a plan, in fact have had many plans over past few years but the pressure in my chest now is so immense I can't take any more of this. I can hardly breathe and I ve felt like this for 3 days straight with the constant horribleness from him.

I know lots of ladies are in and have been in my position so posting on here to document my escape and to
Make sure I go through with this.

He's texted to say he will go to family at lunchtime if I can return the car. So I've offered to return with dd so he can have lunch with her before he goes. I won't tell her we are staying there and ill
Only unpack the car when I see his bags are ready. No idea what will happen when he returns to work, and I go back earlier and need childcare, but still doing this one day at a time approach, and I desperately want to be in my home.

I know mediation is not recommended and I have a get out letter as he refused to go before, but the mediator helped me a great deal mentally with a few things she said and I am wondering to ask him again to go to help sort out short term living and access arrangements so they can be written out and agreed in front of someone else.

Be careful. This is the hardest time - he will flip flop between Mr Nice Guy to win you back, Mr TearJerker to make you feel guilty about "taking his dd away", and Mr Evil by going off when the other two don't work. I wouldn't recommend being alone with him if you can avoid it.

Please take someone with you. Don't trust him. He won't just leave.

I agree - you can expect to experience his full repertoire of persuasion, emotional blackmail, self pity, begging, cajoling, threats, promises to change. It's a lot of work finding and conditioning a replacement punchbag. Can your brother go with you? Don't worry too much for now about whether mediation is a good idea - things don't need sorting out this minute. One step at a time. You're doing brilliantly!

Well he has just left. A lot of telling me every 5 mins that he was going in 30, 20, 10 mins, followed by a pause waiting me to say no, don,t. Then when he did go his parting shot was that all he ever wanted was for me to hug him. Nothing about the constant shouting at me the past few days. Narcissist, anyone?

He has said he wants dd to stay here to adjust and he will rent initially. But he wants me to give him a list of possible rentals. It's all part of keeping my obligation to him but part of me thinks it might be just what I have to do to actually make this happen.

I think he will be back by weekend as I need childcare on Friday so I can work and I do think its important they both realise they can see each other. It is me he has lost, not dd. But if I have a list of rentals ready it could keep the pressure on. The downside of helping is of course if anything is wrong with where he moves to it will, of course, be my fault. So I will need to give him a long and varied list so that the choice is his.

I have realised I can't stay at my parents, my df is so controlling and it's just moving from one situation to another. And it's so cold there I just can't cope! So one of us has to rent while we sort divorce. Long term it will be ok I m just not sure what to do in the short term.

Do not help him find rentals. He is an adult, presumably he can read, use the telephone to ring letting agents and whatnot? So no he does not need you to make him a list of possible rentals. That's just another way of keeping you at his beck and call. Then if something goes wrong, he can blame you. Do not fall into this trap.

My stbx is STILL (almost 2 years later) trying to pressure me into doing all the "legwork" for him on paperwork, finding places, and things like that. The whingy "You're going to need to sort this, I can't..." is ridiculous, and I've had to take a very firm stance on it. No.

Remember:

No. It's a complete sentence. Use it. Get USED to using it. You'll be using it a lot over the next few years. He needs to get used to hearing you say it. He is not your partner, he is not your child. He is a grown adult that needs to find his own way, his own rental, his own arrangements.

You. Are. Not. His. Mother. You've got to detach for him to take this seriously. As long as you are allowing him to tangle you into his stuff, he has a grip on you. And he WILL use it.

If need be, and you can manage it, find your own rental, and leave him to it. Your dd will adapt to a move. Make it an adventure - a nice small place you can decorate the way you like, and she can help choose things.

Make sure your money is separated, your finances are separated, and you have all important paperwork where he can't get to it. I don't know your work situation, but check into any benefits you may qualify for.

A positive aspect of going to your own place is that he has no access whatsoever. No key, no right of entry.

I can't afford to rent but if he procrastinates I think it will be my only option. I would have to get a loan and ask family. I m going to see the dv one stop shop next week to find put the best way to do this in their experience.

I agree re rentals, after my previous ex of ten years fucked off with a friend of mine I found a rental and moved in within a week- with cats! It's not that hard esp,if only a short term need. Will tell him that over the next day or so. If I start looking for me and dd I think it will push him into it. I will just tell him I have enough stress sorting out my own life and he needs to sort out his- and if he won't find somewhere I will take that as a refusal to move out and will find somewhere myself.

all he ever wanted was for me to hug him

How did you not snort out loud when he said that?!

I wouldn't get involved with rental properties, I'd probably say something like, "That's not the kind of thing we do for each other now".

How do you see childcare working out long time? Friday's pretty pressing, but long term it's not going to be great having his access time in your home.

Cross-posted with you. I think finding your own is probably the best way of going about this.

He's going to try to drag you back into his situation as much as possible, because the more he has you working on things for him, the more likely he can talk you around. Once you get a list of rentals, he'll want your opinion on them, so want you to come along (just to see if it's suitable for dd, you know)... look at all that time he'll have you dedicating to him. And he'll spend all that time either being miserable or chatting you up and trying to make inroads.

Detach detach detach. You have to keep telling yourself "he is an adult, he can take care of himself." God knows I STILL have to do this with my stbx, almost 18 months after we've split.

And I know it's more expensive (again, make sure you check into available benefits you may qualify for), but it's a good idea to sort out your own childcare if you can. Once he realises you're not going to play his game, he may start being unreliable for childcare, just to mess with you. This way you can arrange a regular contact visit separate from childcare and if he tries to mess you about, it's not affecting your work.

Thank you- you are all completely right of course! I did this a year ago and he went to a hotel and I found it easier than this, I think because the abuse was worse at that time, I d had to call the police. Now it's just an undercurrent, anything I say that is remotely asking him to do something is'talking to him like shit', although the few days after Xmas were quite bad and worsening. But last time I didn't miss him and I do this time, which is annoying! Because a lot of the time recently it's been ok, but I do think it's just because I am used to it and we generally co parent well, but that doesn't need to change. We haven't shared a bed for 2 years, even just on that it's clear this marriage is over. And when I go to the supermarket and enjoy it as the checkout guy is just so nice to me, it says a lot about my home life.

I feel horrendously guilty about him not living with dd growing up, but he really has been fully abusive for 6 years and I have left several times, he's had many many chances, and the police have been here on a couple of occasions. I can't understand why knowing what the consequence could be he would wake up in the morning and decide to go and shout at me.

I can work out childcare once school is back. He currently takes her but in all my planning I ve worked out ways in which he wouldn't have to, or at least would be able to come over later than 6am so that I wouldn't have to only rely on him, if it's 8am I have more options. My boss at work is good and I can tell him about what's going on, just on Friday I would really let him down if I didn't go as I am covering for him so it's important I do that day.

I agree, if you have an understanding boss and a good job it's important that you do everything you can to be reliable at work and hold onto your job

You sound a bit calmer today

Please don't feel guilty about your Dd not growing up in the same house as her dad. Lots of kids have separated parents and they mostly have very happy lives. Your LO is young and she will soon adapt. Much better that she lives in a peaceful home , free from the stress and fighting . If you have a breakdown from the stress, it's going to affect her far more. Both of you deserve to live free from abuse and fear .

Onwards and upwards !

Struggling a bit tonight. Dd got very very upset at bedtime. Lots and lots of tears, and anger too of course. It was heartbreaking. Because we don't know all the logistics I feel,bad for telling her so early but she has asked a few times over Xmas if we will divorce as stbxh has told her we will if she tells me he shouts at her. She's actually most distraught at the idea of losing her house because stbxh had also told her divorce would mean that. I ve tried to separate that out and say while I can't say we ll never move, as no one can , we don't have any plans to. Stbxh has to move and if I have to try and get an occupation order I will now. She said her life was ruined and I felt so awful hearing a 6 year old say that.

It's all so crap and I hate this , there is no going back now which is good but I can't stand the pain she's feeling, I should have left when she was a baby and he was hitting me. She was saying all if her friends daddy's live with them why does she have to be different.

I tried to avoid any blame but at one point did fail and say i just couldn't be shouted at any more by him (said she could shout all she likes ) and she said mummy you jut have to button your lip and he ll stop. So that's a terrible lesson she's learnt .

sus14 it's awful, I know. Horrible that he's obviously been working on her in private to convince her to keep secrets and to scare her about divorce and moving. It's clear that he is not above using her in any way to get what he wants.

You are doing the right thing, you know you are. I think giving your dd the basics so she knows what's going on (age appropriate, obviously) will help her cope, as she won't just feel like she has no idea what's happening in her life. It's upsetting for her, but coping with a known situation is almost always easier than stressing over the unknown, even though she won't understand that right now.

You can't beat yourself up over not leaving sooner. You've left now. That's what is important. Just remember not to minimise it or downplay the risk he poses here. He is not the person you think he is, and he has already shown he is happy to cross over the line.

Be safe.

How sad your story sounds but I can give you done reassurance , I too have done what you are doing , I did it with two children one aged one and one aged six , my six year old also begged me to fix everything , to make it better , it broke my heart on so many occasions . But do you know what stopped me ? It was this , I was also a child who grew up in an abusive home and I accepted it as normal , then I married and abusive man who I kept making excuses for . But one night he went totally mad , he had been out and drunk you much and actually hit me , but he didn't stop , I couldn't believe it he carried on and nearly killed me . I also thought he would never ever go to that level but he did! If you daughter continues to make excuses or see you do she could end up as me !!!!

Ps eight years on I'm in my home with peace and doing a degree , I have no family but amazing friends x you should read as much as you can about abuse inform yourself as it will keep you strong ! You have to teach yr little girl again new ways of being x make it fun too get friends over loads , go out keep busy busy

Wise words Molly

Sus, I'm so sorry to hear that your ex is manipulating your DD. But it's inetretsing that she's more upset about the thought of losing her home than her father moving out .

You need to keep reassuring her that it's not her fault. It's not because she has told you that her dad shouts at her. It's because of things between you and her father, that you have fallen out and you know you can never be happy living with him. That you have tried very hard but it's not working. That you want to be happy apart instead. But he will still be her dad .

And that it's very hard to understand adult relationships , even when you are an adult. So it's ok for her not to understand why you can't work things out.

and she said mummy you jut have to button your lip and he ll stop. So that's a terrible lesson she's learnt

Poor little mite. Thank goodness you're taking her out of the situation where she has learnt that.

Thank you all. molly I'm so sorry you had to live this twice and I do recognise the pattern. I was thinking last night about my df, who is certainly at least bordering on being ea, and how I had repeated the pattern. My stbxh niece has also repeated the pattern. So this is my chance to stop it.

Dd was very upset again this morning but is ok at the minute. Mainly she just keeps telling me we re not allowed to split. I suppose it will sink in intime.

Had almighty row last night with him as he was outraged I had told dd and accused me of manipulating her. Which outraged me! So I feel a lot better now as I remember why I am doing this, I don't miss him or feel guilty which is helping a lot.

He's promised to rent but says he can't sort it out from a hotel so needs to be back here next week. He's desperate I don't file for divorce. I have a sol meeting in a fortnight to start process which I think I will agree to temporarily delay on the basis I see a signed tenancy agreement, if not I go ahead and file and look for a place to rent. It's not ideal but i can't force him to a hotel if he won't go. All I can do is continue my plans and let him know there is no going back. If it takes filing and moving out once more so,be it. But yes dd is v concerned about her house and so anything I can do to try and keep,her here at least short term will be worth it.

I am also seeing one stop shop so can take their advice on next steps. Presumably I can at least get a sol letter warning him off manipulating dd and giving him a deadline by which he must move out or divorce proceedings begin and possible non mol order. I need some official help now to move this on.

Thanks for all the posts, I don't think I would have stuck with this without mumsnet support .

Wow that's a great update.
You are sounding very strong and organised.
Keep on keeping on (KOKO)
You're doing so well.
Good luck.

You are dealing with sooo much at the moment and it must seem as if it's coming at you from all angles (your STBXH DD DF and your own emotions) and yet you are thinking clearly and with focus :-)

Each minute, hour, day, week that passes is another one further from his control (and he does appear to be subtly trying to still control and manipulate you both - those messages he's giving DD are so unfair!!)

Stay strong - 2015 is going to be a different year for you both, all the best to you both

He's back later so,we shall see if his promises to find a rental soon bear fruit.

I,ve told dd that every cloud has some sort of silver lining, even though the situation is sad. I said maybe she could have a new pet at his in time.

Preferable a very smelly one....

I,ve felt so much better the last 24 hours, so much more relaxed. This is definitely the right decision.