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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Leaving today

97 replies

sus14 · 29/12/2014 10:10

After 4 days now of my abusive h being absolute vile ever morning , in front of dd, and after 6 years of abuse, I've reached my snapping point and told him either he leaves today or we will. Getting out will
Be tricky but I plan to take her to the library in a bit and text him to say we are not returning to house until
He leaves.

I did have a plan, in fact have had many plans over past few years but the pressure in my chest now is so immense I can't take any more of this. I can hardly breathe and I ve felt like this for 3 days straight with the constant horribleness from him.

I know lots of ladies are in and have been in my position so posting on here to document my escape and to
Make sure I go through with this.

OP posts:
ChishandFips33 · 29/12/2014 11:48

Stay strong OP, keep focused; you can do this and you can have a better life and your DD a better future Flowers

Yes to turning location services off on your phone and having someone with you when you return to get things etc

ChishandFips33 · 29/12/2014 11:49

Save the battery on your phone too or grab your charger

Original poster
sus14 · 29/12/2014 11:50

Turned it off, staying in public spots. No response yet

OP posts:
CorporateRockWhore · 29/12/2014 11:50

Good luck OP you are doing an amazing thing for your daughter and for you Flowers

paddlenorapaddle · 29/12/2014 12:05

Hoping everything goes ok for you today

MsFriend · 29/12/2014 12:09

Good for you. So proud of you. Stay strong x

Original poster
sus14 · 29/12/2014 14:20

He's said he's not leaving.
My brother is taking me over to pick up our stuff and then I need to face my parents. I ve emailed my dad so he can calm down first! But dd is happy staying there.

Just explained to her that we were staying away tonight and she had quickly progressed her thinking to us separating permanently so i thought it best to say yes rather than give her false hope. Few tears but she seems ok, said she hates the shouting.

OP posts:
oneowlgirl · 29/12/2014 14:27

You're doing so well - should be proud of yourself.

clam · 29/12/2014 15:18

Why does your dad need to calm down? Who's he cross at?

TheGuiltEatsMe · 29/12/2014 15:55

Oh bless her, I expect she does hate the shouting, poor thing. Lots of treats and cuddles and yes, I think honesty is always the best policy.

You are doing so well. You are doing the right thing. A man who refuses to leave making his child and the mother of his child homeless is a worthless piece of... and then you really know you are doing the right thing.

Will your dad come round when he has the full picture?

Original poster
sus14 · 29/12/2014 17:37

I m at my parents now. My dad is very stressy and so hard to be around. He's also been very manipulated by my h in the past and that makes it hard for me to be here.
But it's the best place for dd.

Ex wants me to help him find a place to rent! He's also said he will die without our dd.
I ve now told him I am closing down contact save access to dd and only want to hear from him if he moves out

OP posts:
Original poster
sus14 · 29/12/2014 18:07

This is so much harder than I imagined. I can't believe I miss him, but i know I miss the nice him and that is not real or consistent .

OP posts:
TeenageMutantNinjaTurtle · 29/12/2014 18:14

don't you waver now OP. you have done the hardest part, but now you'll face the cajoling and the nice him begging you to come home and promising to change. remember that feeling that your chest would burst. remember that every time.

Original poster
sus14 · 29/12/2014 18:16

Luckily I have logged every thing for last 9 months in my phone so shall read it over later. The worst is what he's done to me in front of dd, so that's what I ll hold onto, for her sake.

OP posts:
inneedofsomeclarity · 29/12/2014 18:24

Keep strong op, you've done the toughest bit. Just keep the reason why at the forefront of your mind and take one day at a time for now. It does get easier and this time next year you will be so glad you went through with it.
Good luck ??

TheGuiltEatsMe · 29/12/2014 18:32

Its early days and probably quite natural to reflect and remember a lot of the good and of course the bad. It natural to see the good in people when you yourself are a good person. But good people deserve to be treated well, you deserve more.

Yes, keep hold of the record on your phone, no one can ever say to you that it didn't happen or minimise what happened. Stay strong and each day will get better.

Kristingle · 29/12/2014 18:36

Good plan to read over your log of what's happened . Stick to the facts .

Any promises he might make in the future are just hot air

If he really loves you and your DD, this is what he will do :

Move out the house so your child can go home
Rent somewhere and have polite and reasonable discussions with you about access etc
Make access plans, stick to them and treat you and DD well
Get some counselling for his issues

IDeserveMore · 29/12/2014 18:37

Keep strong. This will be a long evening/night but it is your first step to freedom. You don't deserve to be treated like this. Remember that when you waver.....you DON'T deserve it.
And your dd does deserve a happy, strong and confident mummy. Be that person for her xxx

Deserttrek · 29/12/2014 18:37

OP, I cannot see anything practical in your plans, re money, housing, bills, work.....what are you planning to do there?
I cant think of anybody who can just go to the library and....then not go home.....and deal with this side of things.
I only say this because you said....
Make sure I go through with this

Well the practical things are as important as the emotional support.
How will you make it beyond the next 48 hours or so...

Deserttrek · 29/12/2014 18:38

Where do you live OP?

TonightTonight · 29/12/2014 18:41

Deserttrek she will stay with her parents - as previously mentioned.

Kristingle · 29/12/2014 18:42

One thing at a time desert

Her parents are not throwing her out in 48 hrs

What she's done today is hard enough

TrousersRoastingOnAnOpenFire · 29/12/2014 18:48

One thng at a time is EXACTLY the right way to go.

You said earlier that previous attempts have not lasted due to overwhelm about all the things you have to get in place - that's brilliant, that you've recognised that. Also great that you have a record of how bad things had got, this will be a huge help fir those moments when you just want everything to go back to "normal."

I separated earlier this year and it was much more amicable but those first days were still so shaky, I dealt with it by breaking things down into small jobs, eg day 1 phone landlord & council tax, day 2 phone utilities, day 3 phone tax credits etc etc.

You will be fine and yo have been so brave today, even coming through for your DD by being honest and steady for her. Well done.

Original poster
sus14 · 29/12/2014 20:56

He's just come and dropped my charger through the letterbox as I forgot it, I texted him to say I had and that access arrangements would have to be made via email until I was back in the house, he's just got 2 buses to bring it over . Weird

Having been so chirpy all day my dd was sad at bedtime as it's freezing here and she misses her bedroom. She said to me firmly, we re not leaving daddy mummy, so I think that's a conversation I ll have to have many times but for,now I just left it as it was more an order than a question!

I forgot to bring myself any food or hot drinks, my parents are a bit odd they never have much in( or the heating on!) . Not sure what to do tomorrow,but will need to get out. It's v stressful being here. He says he will go to his family tomorrow,but he can't do that for long as it's nowhere near his work.

OP posts:
Ohfourfoxache · 29/12/2014 22:34

Believe it or not, you have taken the hardest step. The biggest step. And it was, and still is, the right thing to do.

Stay strong x

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