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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can't believe he could do this

84 replies

loganberry12 · 27/12/2014 19:25

You may have read my past posts me & ex split up after a second try which didn't work basically because he's a knob. But he hasn't even attempemted to see our 5 year old dc over christmas not even phoned to talk to her no card or presents nothing. Tbh its a relief for me but I can't understand how he can totally cut our little girl out of his life. She has mentioned him a couple of times over Christmas I've told her he's poorly bless her

OP posts:

NettleTea · 02/01/2015 17:50

Be relieved for your daughter.
Its saving her from a lifetime of his fuckwittedness

Original poster

loganberry12 · 02/01/2015 17:53

So sad though that a father could just completely forget about his child who for the last month before he stopped saw her most days & before that had her every weekend

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AnyFucker · 02/01/2015 17:57

be happy that a man who would do this to a child purely to punish her mother is better off out of her life

he's doing her a favour

I would expect him though, just when she is getting used to the idea, to pop up again like the bad smell he is

Original poster

loganberry12 · 02/01/2015 18:00

That's what I'm worried about too

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AnyFucker · 02/01/2015 18:02

Well, that would be up to you to control wouldn't it

he isn't your boss

Original poster

loganberry12 · 02/01/2015 18:07

Speak of the devil he's just text me saying " my dad wants his ladders back get them dropped off" he brought them here a few weeks before we split for me to borrow to get the decorations out the attic.

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inlectorecumbit · 02/01/2015 18:11

ignore the text. it has just been sent to make contact and draw you into conversation

AliceinWinterWonderland · 02/01/2015 18:12

My sympathies. My stbx has only seen our 2 dcs (5yo and 8yo) once since August (for a 2 hr visit where he didn't really attempt to engage with them that much anyway). He has another girlfriend/fiance, so you see, he has higher priorities. He's planning on moving abroad so he can move in with her and her 6yo twins. He also made a suicide attempt on our 5yo's birthday (more manipulation than suicide based on what happened). I think there are some men floating about that simply are not very good "father" material as they simply don't prioritise their children.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/01/2015 18:15

I don't really understand, logan, I had a horrible dad and my mum used to breathe a sigh of relief when he would be flakey or non-existent in his contact. Her doing otherwise, ie. fretting about him not making contact, wouldn't have made him a better dad, he just isn't/wasn't. I don't see my dad anymore, haven't seen him since I was in my later teens.

I agree with AF and nettlejuice, be thankful that he's not in contact. Perhaps he will forget her altogether and you won't need to have him as a focus anymore.

Your daughter will possibly always regret not having a dad in her life but that doesn't mean that she would want the dad that she has; he's not worthy of her thoughts and affection. The best thing I think you could do is to be bright and breezy about him and non-committal about him. She'll be old enough one day to see it for herself, she just needs your protection in the meantime.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/01/2015 18:17

cross-posted with you; leave them in a safe place outside for him or in reception or something - and arrange to be away from the house with your daughter when he collects them. Hopefully, that is the last 'thing' that he has left at your home.

Original poster

loganberry12 · 02/01/2015 18:22

Just not sure what to tell her when she says she wants to see him. So far I've said he's poor but she's 5 very bright & won't buy that excuse for long

OP posts:

Original poster

loganberry12 · 02/01/2015 18:25

Poorly not poor

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AliceinWinterWonderland · 02/01/2015 18:32

loganberry I obviously can't tell dcs that stbx is poorly, not for months at a time. I've had to resort to "I'm sorry, but there's nothing I can do about it." on the few occasions that they have asked. I'm not going to lie for him. I won't tell them the whole rubbish account of his shitty behaviour, but neither will I tell them lies to excuse him either. I don't think that's doing them any favours in the long run.

Original poster

loganberry12 · 02/01/2015 18:35

The thing is she would phone him & talk to him too & keeps asking if she can don't know what to say because I know he won't answer & tbh I don't want to contact him

OP posts:

AliceinWinterWonderland · 02/01/2015 18:40

It is frustrating, I agree. They act shitty, we're expected to cover for them for the sake of the children's feelings. It sucks.

imjustahead · 02/01/2015 18:44

based on my experience, with similar ex i would not allow my child to phone a father who hadn't bothered.

just sets a pattern in which the child has to make the contact, and do the running. it's happened for me and my dc that they have reached out, been let down, reached out some weeks or months later, and it's all gone wrong.

Now is the time to tell your dd that it is up to her father to contact her.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/01/2015 18:50

That is difficult, I understand that. Give what your ex said to you about 'telling your daughter he was dead', I think that you should try to think of some semblance of truth that will not hurt her. She'll join up the dots later.

What about, "DD, I know that you haven't seen daddy for a little while and that you miss him. I'm sure he misses you too, he loves you, but he is a bit sad at the moment and busy sorting out his things so he can't see you as often as he would like to. The thing is, mummy and daddy are not living together anymore but we both still love you very, very much and always will. If daddy rings me and asks to see you or speak to you then we can make some arrangements for you to see him. In the meantime, just remember that both daddy and mummy and x,y,z sibling, grandparent, aunt/uncle, etc. love you very much".

I seem to remember your daughter is 4; she should be reassured that all is well, she doesn't need to know the ins and outs of anything.

If you really think she is missing him, could you give her something that she can talk to/cuddle up with and tell her it's from him? It's a slight of hand but she's 4. Will she be a flower girl at your son's wedding? Could you distract her with that?

I don't think you should talk to him, he's been clear - and it messes you up too badly as you still have (understandable) feelings. This is about your little daughter now and what you can say to salve her feelings in a way that will make her understand that she can't see daddy now but that he does love her.

Does she have grandparents from either side, uncles/aunts, cousins? Anybody to distract her and keep her sense of family intact?

Original poster

loganberry12 · 02/01/2015 18:57

Thank you lying witch some good advice. He lives with his parents & isn't working so he's there all the time they are 84 & poorly so couldn't expect them to come to me really. He has a sister but she lives away & my DD does see her

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Original poster

loganberry12 · 02/01/2015 18:57

Doesn't see her

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tipsytrifle · 02/01/2015 19:00

What a disgusting tone of passing out an order that text has! Treating you like shit again. Nothing new there, eh?

Start planning your life without him logan. Less focus on him and more on you, DD and the rest of your family who have happier events to anticipate than the good-for-nothing, abusive, stoner wretch scrounging off his parents.

imjustahead · 02/01/2015 19:17

do not for heavens sake do what i did and excuse his behaviour. on the premise of thinking it will help because 'daddy isn't well, or daddy isn't thinking straight as he is sad'

i thought i was doing the right thing for my ex and dd relationship by filling km the gaps. having a little compassion etc.
you think the guy you knew will come to his senses etc so you pave the way.

it is a very long way down nor a child to fall when daddy doesn't come up with the goods.

so i believe it's better to say simple things like i don't know when if will be in touch.
i don't know why.

etc

AnyFucker · 02/01/2015 22:46

Good advice there from lying witch

re the ladders, is there someone else can just drop them back at shitheads parents with no communication required between you at all......The worst thing you could do now would be to set up a new dialogue with him

AnyFucker · 02/01/2015 23:05

*LOGAN

Original poster

loganberry12 · 03/01/2015 10:32

Yes I'm going to arrange for someone t drop them off no sure two yet as everyone I know with transport has fallen out with him lol I can't drive ATM anyway as I fell out the loft nyd & fractured my ankle

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tipsytrifle · 03/01/2015 12:10

Fractured your ankle? How on earth are you coping? The ladders can wait for sure! Ouch ouch ouch ....

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