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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

am so hurt

65 replies

snoopy2 · 13/10/2006 10:37

Last sunday dh confessed that he doesnt really have a low sex drive (3 or 4 times A YEAR for the last 8 years, married 10) it is actually that my weight is not "to his personal taste" and that he thinks about sex everyday and obviously not with me. I also found porn on the computer which he had downloaded.

I am so upset and really dont want to be round him now because he has lied and lied and lied to me over 8 years. He doesnt understand why I am upset and now I cant even bare to be in the same room as him. I am so hurt and feel wrong for being upset about it and wrong for not being good enough. I just can't even look at him.

OP posts:
geordiemacminx · 13/10/2006 10:50

Awh snoopy2 I feel so very very sorry for you. I cant imagine why someone that is suposed to love you could say such a horrible and hurtful thing. I would put money on the fact that he has changed over the past 8 years and that he has put on weight or lost some hair or whatever.

If I were you I would tell him to get fcuked. Obviously this isnt going help the situation but at least it might make you feel better for a bit!!!

Sorry I cant be any more help.

xx

Original poster
snoopy2 · 13/10/2006 10:53

geordiemacminx, you must have read my mind as that is exactly what i feel like doing. What I can not understand or deal with is that he doesnt accept that what he said upset me and gets irrate when i talk about it.

OP posts:
CreepyCrawlyCarmenere · 13/10/2006 10:54

Indeed geordiemacminx has a very good point, does he look identicle to how he did 8 yrs ago.

How do you see the future? Are you together and fit and thinner or or you together miserable and resentful or or you apart?

controlfreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaky2 · 13/10/2006 10:57

of course you have every right to be upset.... if nothing else as he has either lied to you over many years as to why he only wants sex that often / failed to be open with you.... was what he said said in the heat of argument or a close calm conversation. be mad and upset.... then think about how you can move on and address the problem (and i dont just mean any weight issue if indeed you have one).

schneebly · 13/10/2006 10:58

I am sorry this has happened to you snoopy - an awful thing for him to say. I agree with everything geordie says. I am a size 20 and if DH said that to me I would be very upset and downright angry. He needs to love and accept you for who you are and if he cant then he is pathetic and you deserve better. xxx

Original poster
snoopy2 · 13/10/2006 11:01

He is a little bigger and losing a little hair, I am a bit fitter as i quit smoking 6 months ago and happier because of my job has really taken off.

OP posts:
schneebly · 13/10/2006 11:02

sounds like other things in your life are going well and then he knocks you right back down with this..

Well done on giving up smoking BTW - that is terrific.

IvortheEngine · 13/10/2006 11:03

Can you try to take the very real emotion that I completely understand out of it for a while and think about it in a completely different way instead? If this is the truth then he has lied repeatedly but no doubt this was in an attempt to avoid hurting your feelings. This is what has happened, so I can understand him having lied. Which way is the weight not right to him? Are you too light or too heavy for what he says is his personal taste? If he has stayed faithful to you and I know what you've said about the porn, but has he done other things? I hope I haven't upset you with this post. I think and hope that you can both overcome this.

geordiemacminx · 13/10/2006 11:05

Loose some weight and then bin him... cos "you just dont fancy him anymore and can do so much better!!!!" Preferably ditch him for a younger fitter, richer, sexier bloke... or even a woman!!! See how his male pride likes that.

T-0sser!!!

Original poster
snoopy2 · 13/10/2006 11:05

controlfreeeeeky, It was in a calm conversation. We where just laying in bed sunday morning, all cosy, and I instigated things and he brushed me off. Again. I just burst in to tears cos it was just so cold. We had a row. Then I said lets sit down, stop rowing and talk. During the conversation he told me that he doesnt "do big women" (i am a size 14 - is that big these days?" . It is the fact that he has lied that i can;t get my head round.

OP posts:
schneebly · 13/10/2006 11:06

size 14?? That is smaller than average - 16 is average now! He is a plank Hate the way he said it to you.

Original poster
snoopy2 · 13/10/2006 11:12

schneebly: I know - it was so formal. It made me feel sick. I am not perfect and nor is he. Maybe he just wants out? He has hurt me much, much more by lying to me for all these years.

OP posts:
IvortheEngine · 13/10/2006 11:13

Oh dear. Size 14. That's not big at all, and he thinks it is? I think it's in his head then and it's not you. I don't know whether that helps or whether it makes it more difficult. He is being totally unreasonable and illogical to suggest that size 14 is big and unfanciable to him. Can I suggest that you tell him that and be strong against this stupid belief he has and then perhaps he'll question it. Perhaps you can find articles with pictures of people like Sophie Dahl or Catherine Zeta Jones or whoever else is roughly a size 14 but is clearly attractive, to show him that he's wrong?

controlfreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaky2 · 13/10/2006 11:16

you poor thing. that all makes it sound even more hurtful. size 14 is sooooo not "big". do you think he is tellin the truth , the whole truth etc now or is this a lie / excuse to not have more sex and make the problem seem like yours?? hope you can sort this out if that's what you want.

lou33 · 13/10/2006 11:19

mine said similar only one time

i was a size 12, and it was the beginning of the end for us, we split 4 yrs later, it took me that long to make him listen

you dont have to put up with that sort of shit

i wonder if he is a perfect specimen of manhood?

Original poster
snoopy2 · 13/10/2006 11:19

I really have to go to work now.

thanks guys, for all your messages. i feel happier already.

OP posts:
CreepyCrawlyCarmenere · 13/10/2006 11:23

14 is a very nice size and is he sure that posh, Nicole Ritchie and other skinny women would be queuing up for him? Tbh, I'm not sure if this is a problem of just fancying you. If you had put on 6 stone and gone up 10 sizes then maybe but this sounds to be symptomatic of something else, so sorry for you.

FioFio · 13/10/2006 11:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Blu · 13/10/2006 11:32

How very upsetting, Snoopy.

I agree with Carmenere. If poeple really want sex with someone, they want the 'event', and it doesn't matter what they look like. In an establised relayionship anyway - not 'lust at first glance' type flings.

It sounds as if you may be in a rut or the habit of sex got disrupted during childbearing, or he somehow feels inhibited. If he REALLY means what he says, he is **ing unspeakable! Or maybe his view od womanhood has become hopelessly distorted by watching too much porn.

I don't know what to suggest - do you think Relate would be a possibility?

PLEASE don't let this undermine your 'pep' from your job and giving up smoking - get strength and self-esteem about yourself, and for yourself. BE a sexy woman in your mind. Buy new clothes as you get fitter and look at yourself in a shop mirror and think 'wow - go, girl!'. NOT in a pathetic attempt to attract him, but to give you a sense of your own sexual power and image.

This is about him - it isn't a problem caused by you or your body.

MwaHaHappyDaddy · 13/10/2006 15:59

What an arsehole.

It sounds like there may be more to it than that, he's just too chicken to tell the truth. Maybe his willy's got smaller or he can't get it up.

Twat.

Original poster
snoopy2 · 13/10/2006 16:07

hes not even that good a shag! Am going to speak calmly, honestly to him tonight as dd at sleepover.

OP posts:
colditz · 13/10/2006 16:08

he's probably having closet homosexual feelings - he is using "I don't do big women" as a beard. Really, he doesn't do women at all. Size 14 is not fat, dp says so.

SOULGIRL · 13/10/2006 16:08

14 isnt big at all and once youve had kids you are bound to change shape.

I'd just tone up then tell him "oh I dont do insensitive" when he gets frisky.

Original poster
snoopy2 · 13/10/2006 16:09

I will tone up and buy new clothes then say "oh, sorry - I dont do w*ers"

OP posts:
bloodcurdlingstrawb · 13/10/2006 16:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.