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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

am so hurt

65 replies

snoopy2 · 13/10/2006 10:37

Last sunday dh confessed that he doesnt really have a low sex drive (3 or 4 times A YEAR for the last 8 years, married 10) it is actually that my weight is not "to his personal taste" and that he thinks about sex everyday and obviously not with me. I also found porn on the computer which he had downloaded.

I am so upset and really dont want to be round him now because he has lied and lied and lied to me over 8 years. He doesnt understand why I am upset and now I cant even bare to be in the same room as him. I am so hurt and feel wrong for being upset about it and wrong for not being good enough. I just can't even look at him.

OP posts:
Original poster
snoopy2 · 13/10/2006 16:18

part of me is beginning to think it is more. I laid all my cards on the table when he told me and i ACTUALLY said, do you think we should separate and he said no. I am so disgusted. Who was he thinking about when i gave him all those bj's or the rare time we did "do" it - who was he thinking about. I am dreading seeing him tonight, but this issue has to be discussed and I have no idea what i SHOULD say. I know what i would LIKE to say ............

OP posts:
Twinkie1 · 13/10/2006 16:22

What a complete fucker - you love the person that they are inside and yes the way they look comes into it a little but I know if DH put on weight I would still love him and want him, he has gone up from 14 to 16 stone and a size 34 waist to a 38 but he is still him, the him that I fell in love with and a few stone doesn;t change that either way - your DH sounds like a right shallow tosser!! And at a 14 you are most certainly not big - infact you are smaller than the average British woman!!

Right now I can breathe out!!

I would put it down to you being successful and having a bit more confidence - maybe that ,makes his little todger seem even smaller!! GGGRRRR!!!!

And the lying to you - well don;t get me started on that - I would say that he probably does have a low sex drive anyway because size 14 or not he would still want a shag if his sex drive was normal - he is making excuses and trying to make you feel as samll as his todger!!!

Original poster
snoopy2 · 13/10/2006 16:31

Twinkie1!!!

Thankyou, thankyou for your message! He just doesnt see at all why i should be upset. This and the lying its, its gross.
He is in a dead end job, has been for 10 or so years and I have built up my own business from scratch which he never comments on and I am used to this zero amount of interest from him He also plays video games every night till 12am or 1am then falls asleep on the settee. It sounds like I am painting a black picture of him but this is my life and am expected to put up with this.
By the way, he is 40!

OP posts:
TinyGang · 13/10/2006 16:37

Hang on, you say 'He is a little bigger and losing a little hair, I am a bit fitter as i quit smoking 6 months ago and happier because of my job has really taken off.'

Could he have said that because he's feeling jealous/uncertain of the new you? It's no excuse to be so damned hurtful though whatever the reason he said it.

Personally I'd find that comment terribly hard to forget even if he apologised. I think you deserve better and certainly a fuller explaination for the last 8 years.

How very unkind and un-necessarily hurtful

TinyGang · 13/10/2006 16:39

X posted with Twinkie who put it so much better than me

The problem is him not you.

Original poster
snoopy2 · 13/10/2006 16:40

i do need explaination. I think I have some serious thinking to do as this really is a bombshell. He has lied so many times to me, the trust is now gone. The whole situation is making me feel very uncomfortable. I did state that I was fitter etc but i do not "rate" myself - in fact I have very low self esteem.

OP posts:
Original poster
snoopy2 · 13/10/2006 16:46

I just don't know what to say to him. How or where do I start? He won;t apologise - hell would have to freeze over before he would ever admit he is wrong. I just need to work out some very direct questions - but my emotions are all over the place. Every evening this week has been awful, the atmosphere vile. he is one of these people that would not apologise. he would rather twist things round, blame me, make me cry and then, only then he would back down. But never apologis.

OP posts:
divastrop · 13/10/2006 21:34

what an idiot!i will tell u what my nasty ex said to me when i was a size 20 after having dd1.he looked at me in disgust and said i was 'balooning'.then later on he wanted to 'do it' and i asked him why seeing as i was so fat.he answered 'a holes a hole'.
i never shagged him again after that.i chucked him out 6 months later and then lost 5 stone in a year hehe.

if i were you,i would get a huge dildo,download some porn and leave the dildo next to the pc while its on a page displaying large willies.then if he questions you about it,tell him you have a high sex drive but he doesnt suit your personal taste so uve been doing diy for the last 8 years!!!

scarybluealien · 13/10/2006 21:40

snoopy, if he kept quiet about this for 8 years, then why is he saying this now?
why hurt you so much?
thisis tacticaal
concentrate on thaat. what is he hoping to achieve by this 'revelation'

scarybluealien · 13/10/2006 21:44

he's jealous of your success, and ahis afilure. which is why he is trying to put you down in the only way he can.
reminds me a lot of my dh.
as long as i cry and get upset and have emotions all over the place, he is fine. when i am strong and dont get upset by his aabuse, he falls to bits aass he doesnt know how to deal with a strong me.

he may not faancy you, but that doesnt mean other men dont. he's as good as given you permission. what you need to do, is let him see that other men find you aattractive. you dont have to have an aaffair withthem. but all that is afterwards. first get your own emotions sorted.

Daisypops · 13/10/2006 21:59

PMSL divastrop! Your ex sounds like an arse.

Snoopy2, maybe your DH is feeling inadequate coz your doing well with your work. If I were you I'd get sexy, go out with your friends and pi55 him right off! Size 14 IS NOT fat. And whos he? Saying he doesn't do big women? Do you reckon the ladies would be queing uo for him? I think hes deluded with looking at all the stick thin porn stars. He needs to get in the real world. I found porn on my DP's phone the other night and was gutted. I asked for a blokes perspective and he said its not necessarily fantasies just a macho bloke thing. Who knows? Keep your chin up hes been the arse, but on a serious note, talking is the way to try and sort it out ( BTW no man apologises )x

mymama · 14/10/2006 00:08

at 'a hole a hole'.

snoopy2 don't really have any advice but at your situation. Easy to say 'tell him where to get off' but still hurts hey?

Donkeyswife · 14/10/2006 01:37

Snoopy2, this guy is a big asshole! Wrong, wrong, wrong - I presume he has a really sexy slim body and an even bigger schlong with a great personality? Not.

Rosyspookily · 14/10/2006 03:16

no way snoopy2 don't take that shit, this is totally about him feeling inadequate and trying to hide it from himself and you. He must be at a very low place to be so unkind. I wouldn't be bothered by the porn or the unkind comment if the context of your relationship was that he is sorry and keen to make it up to you- then you could work it out.
Sometimes people have to be dragged kicking and screaming when its time for change. Because if he doesn't change you are going to leave him way behind and he will be the sad loser. I hope he wakes up before its too late. (If it isn't already...)

divastrop · 14/10/2006 11:08

my dp apologises on the rare occasion hes wrong!

just remember,its his insecurity this is about,its nothing to do with your size.size 14 isnt big anyway.

daisypops-my ex was an arse,his comments about my size were all part of him trying to destroy my confidence so i would think i was lucky to have him and put up with the way he treated me.

if somebody loves you,genuinley,they dont care what you look like.

Original poster
snoopy2 · 16/10/2006 10:46

not a good weekend.

He still wont take on board why i am upset so, i told him last night that he either starts treating me with respect or he can piss off. Am not putting up with this anymore. In fact i feel completely numb today and just want to see the back of him. I am sick of trying.

OP posts:
mumbleslikeazombiechum · 16/10/2006 11:23

Not really sure what to say Snoopy, but sorry he can't see why you're so upset. What did he say when you gave him an ultimatum?

Rosyspookily · 16/10/2006 11:37

well maybe its good in a way that he doesn't understand how hurt you could be , at least it might mean he didn't mean to hurt you and was just being 'totally insensitive' which isn't as bad as 'totally mean' iyswim.
If I were you I would forget him for a bit and focus on yourself. Build up your own self esteem so insensitive comments will run off you because you will know you are attractive...
For me that would be about eating well, getting excercise, getting hair done and some flattering clothes, going out and meeting people....?

Rosyspookily · 16/10/2006 11:44

Oh and I don't mean to imply tou should lose weight because size 14 is a sexy voluptuous size. My Dh likes size 14 better than a 10 or 12 any day ans there are loads of guys like him! And if you feel sexy you will look sexy.

robin3 · 16/10/2006 11:44

I say give him the shock of his life and turn round and tell him there is no place in your life for someone who thinks that way then ask him to leave. Get strong about it and you'll have the last laugh. He's eating away at your self-esteem and that's unforgiveable IMO. Pastures new I reckon.

HuwEdwards · 16/10/2006 11:44

D'you know Snoopy, just reading athat you are in better shape than he is and have your own business.

I think he is jealous.

I don't think he thinks your big (you're obv not), I just think he's jealous and is trying to hurt you.

Piffle · 16/10/2006 11:49

Am at his bluntness - How rude.
There could have been so many more kind adn gentle ways in which you two could have discused this without hurt.
It is the lack of respect for your feelings that has outraged me the most.
Not only are you good enough, you are BETTER than him.

DastardlyDevilishDior · 16/10/2006 11:58

Snoopy - As someone who has been/is there myself, I can totally empathise with you. In some ways (e.g. my depression), dh is so supportive. However, where sex is involved, he finds me unattractive sexually when I need to lose some weight. I too am a size 14. I am not happy with my size as I prefer being a 10, but I have been eating really badly for a few months due to depression and family problems.

Because I am so depressed at the moment, he is not mentioning my weight, but he normally will.

To be fair to him, I was a size 8 when I met him 18 years ago and it has only been in the last few years that I have ever got over a size 12. He has never had a really high sex drive anyway, but it definitely gets more regular when I am slim! He admits that the way he feels is shallow, and says that he does love me (i.e. the person inside). He says that I always make the most of myself by doing my hair and make-up well. He just doesn't fancy larger women.

We had a big chat about it once and he made me see his side more. I think men need the 'visual' side with sex, whereas women see it as an expression of love, so don't worry if their man has a beer gut or bald head.

That is not to say that it doesn't hurt me to be rejected, and I stopped trying to initiate sex. TBH, being on ADs has decreased my libido anyway, so our drives seem more compatible now . I hope your dh can learn to realise how hurtful this is to you, and reassure you of his love anyway xxx

divastrop · 16/10/2006 13:13

men who expect women to look a certain way are control freaks or bullies.if somebody loves you they really really wouldnt care what you look like on the outside.and with decent men,in a relationship sex is an expression of love,as much as it is for women.that bit was from my dp,btw.

Rosyspookily · 16/10/2006 13:47

Diva that is really sweet of your dp to say that! Really supportive and the kind of thing we all need to hear sometimes.
Dastardly I thought your post was great for Snoopy, really down to earth.

My dh did lose interest for a couple of years a while back when he had been made redundant and was feeling very stressed.

And also I think porn can be a really poisonous thing because any bits that I have seen- its not just the woman, the man tends to be very virile and well endowed and causing multiple orgasms in the woman, so surely that undermines the man watching it in reality?