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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

am so hurt

65 replies

snoopy2 · 13/10/2006 10:37

Last sunday dh confessed that he doesnt really have a low sex drive (3 or 4 times A YEAR for the last 8 years, married 10) it is actually that my weight is not "to his personal taste" and that he thinks about sex everyday and obviously not with me. I also found porn on the computer which he had downloaded.

I am so upset and really dont want to be round him now because he has lied and lied and lied to me over 8 years. He doesnt understand why I am upset and now I cant even bare to be in the same room as him. I am so hurt and feel wrong for being upset about it and wrong for not being good enough. I just can't even look at him.

OP posts:
divastrop · 16/10/2006 14:52

i think its understanable to go through phases of not wanting to 'do it' due to stress/illness etc as long as you are honest about the reason for having lost interest,rather than blaming the other persons looks/body shape.

its just IMO and taking into account past experiences,in a healthy long-term relationship what you look like should be irrelevent.

confusedmum2one · 16/10/2006 15:17

Hi

Sorry to hear that your DH has been so insensitive and rude to you Snoopy.

Not sure if my situation is similar or not BUT in brief along with some other shit stuff happening in my marriage my DH told me that he sometimes thought of other women when we were making love. To start with I was really upset but from mn's advice I now understand that this is normal and that he's still making love with me but I for what ever reason might not be turning him on. I spose its just like using porn really?
It's awful that he's not been truthful with you for 8 years, and you have every right to be as upset and annoyed as you are. Not sure how to get it through to your DH why you're so upset

Judy1234 · 16/10/2006 16:16

How upsetting for you but at least he's been honest. I don't find over weight men sexually attractive. Is he over weight too?

In a sense he's been very caring keeping that secret for years so as not to upset you and may be communication is good , even if he said it in a way that upset you. May be he can help you lose weight, give you more time without children etc.

divastrop · 16/10/2006 16:23

xenia-snoopy has said she is a size 14 so she clearly doesnt need to lose weight.Ru a man?

DastardlyDevilishDior · 16/10/2006 20:55

Size 14 actually can be overweight. I am a 14 and am about 10lbs over the recommended BMI for my height. Also, I prefer to be in the lower/middle range of the BMI because 10st 1lb (the highest of the range) still leaves me with a larger waist and chicken drumstick thighs. It is lovely to support Snoopy and make her feel better about her body, but I just wanted to put across the 'health' aspect.

DastardlyDevilishDior · 16/10/2006 20:55

Not that I am in any way saying she should lose any weight for her dh!

motherinferior · 16/10/2006 20:58

I used to have a boyfriend who said much the same to me (I'm a size 10-12). I am sorry.

crayon · 16/10/2006 21:49

Size 14!!!! I nearly dropped my baby when I read that, I thought you were going to say you were 30 stone or something (not that his comments would be acceptale then).

Crayon

pesha · 16/10/2006 22:43

Have to agree with the people who said it sounds like he is jealous or feeling insecure about himself so trying to knock you down a bit, perhaps he feels you're leaving him behind?
I am totally at what he said though, its a hideous thing to say to someone in such a totally tactless and insensitive way. If he's been caring and considerate enough to hide this from you for 8 years to spare your feelings then why blurt it out so vicously now?

pesha · 16/10/2006 22:47

When i say kind and considerate enough i dont actually consider it to be kind and considerate but I imagine that would be his reasoning for not saying anything so cant understand why that would all change now

Original poster
snoopy2 · 20/10/2006 09:32

Havent posted for few days, dh had internet disconnected as i found a lot more porn and his attitute was "well if i can't do what I want then no one has the internet". Nice. I have no qualms about porn - please read my initial post.

Things ,however, have got a fraction better. Wednesday evening I told him I was leaving him mainly because of his nastiness and lies. THis came as a huge to him and he has admitted that he should be more "loving" towards me and has started to be. Am scared I am going to get hurt and completely disappointed again though. Its so hard!

OP posts:
ChopinRocks · 20/10/2006 09:48

new name too!

ChopinRocks · 20/10/2006 09:49

sorry, missed half that message off - snoopy2 now ChopinRocks!

minkulus · 20/10/2006 21:36

Cannot believe DH cut off internet Makes me mad!
going off sex and using porn as substitute.....how many women out there know what thats like? what if we were to all give up on sex for a quick DIY fiddle?

kimi · 20/10/2006 22:03

ohhhh im so tempted to say kick him in the nuts!!!!
He sounds a charmer i must say, how bloody childish.
Size 14 is fine, i bet he has put on a pound or two in the last 10 years.

I was 9 stone when i got married (14 years ago) an i have been 13 stone and everywhere in between, and NEVER EVER was my weight an issue with DH.
Oh im so cross for you, i really am, and what is it with men and porn?

My advice...sod him go get a toy boy

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