feel awful, my dp has been arrested and it's my fault!

[kaylasmum]

Tonight after à few drinks with my dp, my dd, my ds and his boyfriend, my dp bécane aggressive and started shouting and swearing at me, my ds's dp tried to stand up for me and my dp started shouting at him, telling him to fuck off put of his house and being generally intimidating. My 11yo dd and7 yo da were upstairs and i was worried about them hearing so i called the pilice.. my dp has been arrested and will have ro attend court.

Mybdp has anger issues and is prone to violent outbursts when we argue. He has punched doors, thrown and kicked things and been generally agressive in the past. He has also kicked me and put a pillow over my face, this was a one off about à year ago.

I've threatened to leave so many times but dont want to put my kids through that, it would devestate them. My dp was knocked down by à van 20 years ago and had q brain injury. He is aeeiing à psychologist about his anger and she recoins his behaviour is all down to his brain injusry.

I feel absolutely awful that he is now in the cells until he appears in court and feel that its all my faultt. What an i gonna say to the kids?

[kaylasmum]

Yes He remembers and He is ashamed, he told His gp and his therapist about It. He knows he is In the wrong and I believe this. He does want to change hence the psychology appts.

He is not In a financial situation to be able to afford to Live away from us, We have money problems atm.

[Summerbreezer]

OP, I am not sure if this has been mentioned yet (I have only skimmed a lot of the thread) but the police may inform SS as your DD was in the house at the time of his outburst.

You have nothing to fear from them but you do have to show that you are protecting DD from further behaviour of this sort. It is something else to consider.

[Lweji]

Do check what you could get in benefits if you were to separate. It might just make feasible.

[differentnameforthis]

Sorry op, but good people don't try to suffocate people with pillows. I am shocked that the police officer said she can tell he is a decent person, tbh.

[badbaldingballerina123]

This doesn't seem right.

Op you say he was generally being verbally aggressive and no assault or violence occurred. Yet apparently he's being locked up for three days and is appearing in court and is pleading guilty. Guilty to what ?

My understanding is that the police can detain you for up to 24 hours before they either charge you or release you. They can only detain someone for longer if it's extremely serious. What usually happens is that the police charge you with whatever , your then released and a court date is arranged some time in the future . I therefore don't understand the court / bail issue. It sounds like a bit of shouting. The police do not detain someone for three days for a bit of shouting , nor do they rush people who have shouted abusively through the court.

Before they charge someone they need EVIDENCE. Have you made a statement ? Even if you did the prosecutor would need a awful lot longer than three days to prepare a court case.

Either there has been a much more serious crime , murder or terrorism , or something else is going on. Nobody is detained for three days and court cases are not rushed through as you are suggesting on the basis of someone shouting abusively .

[kaylasmum]

Scottish law says that when its a domesticthe aggravator hHas to go to court, As It happened on friday evening and the next court Session is today He had to be detained, Just how It world here.

[kaylasmum]

He's pleading guilty to breach of the peace and domestic abuse

[Blu]

Kaylasmum: it's good that he recognises how bad his behaviour was and is pleading guilty.

That does demonstrate that you made the right decision to call for help.

My Dad, who never in his life displayed aggression or violence has changed completely since he had a stroke and now often swears, hits things with his stick and speaks abusively to my mother.

I think you need a lot more support from the professionals. Have you been offered counselling? I wonder whether benefits due to his injury would make it possible for him to live close but elsewhere?

I hope that this v distressing incident might trigger more help for you.

[Temp09578]

That is good Kaylasmum, although I am sure it doesn't feel like it to you right now. I didn't realise you were in Scotland - I don't know if Headway operates only in England, but they (or another organisation like them, if there is one) would certainly be able to help support you and would know where to find out about benefit entitlement.

I think Blu might be onto something. This is certainly a turning point, and I think this will make your dp realise things cannot go on the way they were before. Hopefully he will realise how much a risk he is to you, no matter how unintended, and that he must take steps to protect you all from his behaviour. I wonder if living closeby for some if not all of the time until counselling has progressed further might be a solution? How would you feel about that?

[NanaNina]

Glad to see you back on the thread Kayla'smum and I didn't realise you were in Scotland so couldn't understand why they were keeping him on remand until a court date, but of course the law is different there isn't it. Presumably he will get bail today and a court date set for some point in the future, or will he be dealt with today.

I'm glad some posters are trying to explain to others how head injuries can change a person's behaviour. When the brain malfunctions it can cause all sorts of problems - like all mental illnesses? I'd try to ignore all these people telling you what you should do. It's your life and you need support, not people telling you what to do, and minimising your DP's head injury. Some people are so bloody arrogant.

Can you let us know how court goes today? Is there anyone in RL who can support you through this and the other problems that you have.

[kaylasmum]

Hi NanaNina, thanks again for your kind words. Court went well, He's been let out on bail but is allowed home. The judge wants a report from His therapist and He Has to be on good behaviour and Back to court on the 1st of july.

Really hoping this will be a turning point for us now. I am thinking about contacting WA Just to see Whay they think.

[NanaNina]

Oh glad he has been dealt with and is back home - that's a long wait till July isn't it..... wouldn't do any harm to contact WA but only you can decide what's best.

[ilovechristmas1]

first of July

that is madness

[kaylasmum]

I dont know why its so far off, seems ridiculous to me too

[Lweji]

I suppose as he is supposed to seek help and be on good behaviour, that the 6 months will give time for the judge to see if a proper sentence has to be dished out.

I do hope that you don't overlook any abusive behaviour in the meantime. Report it all and call him on it. Head injury or no head injury.
The arrogant people on this thread just don't want to see you killed "by accident".

Good luck. I hope it is a turning point, although it is quite possible and likely that he is capable of holding on these 6 months and returning to his old form later on. :(