feel awful, my dp has been arrested and it's my fault!

[kaylasmum]

Tonight after à few drinks with my dp, my dd, my ds and his boyfriend, my dp bécane aggressive and started shouting and swearing at me, my ds's dp tried to stand up for me and my dp started shouting at him, telling him to fuck off put of his house and being generally intimidating. My 11yo dd and7 yo da were upstairs and i was worried about them hearing so i called the pilice.. my dp has been arrested and will have ro attend court.

Mybdp has anger issues and is prone to violent outbursts when we argue. He has punched doors, thrown and kicked things and been generally agressive in the past. He has also kicked me and put a pillow over my face, this was a one off about à year ago.

I've threatened to leave so many times but dont want to put my kids through that, it would devestate them. My dp was knocked down by à van 20 years ago and had q brain injury. He is aeeiing à psychologist about his anger and she recoins his behaviour is all down to his brain injusry.

I feel absolutely awful that he is now in the cells until he appears in court and feel that its all my faultt. What an i gonna say to the kids?

[badbaldingballerina123]

A brain injury is not a knock on the head , it's a stroke caused by trauma. Like all stroke victims the person is often left with some brain damage resulting in physical or mental problems. . It's not unusual to have problems controlling emotions. The link between brain injury and anger is very well documented and very real. Has he seen the neurologist about this because there are medications that can help. There are things he can do to help with the poor memory. Support for those with a brain injury was probably non existent twenty years ago , it's still a bit thin on the ground but this organization is very good and can support you both www.headway.org.uk/home.aspx

They have groups in most areas and they offer phone counselling every day for those affected and their families.

Having said that its not an excuse and it's not your fault. Thousands of people have to live with the affects of brain injury and they do this without assaulting people. People who have had a traumatic brain injury need to practice excellent self care , which means good diet , plenty of sleep and handling their stress limits. It's not ok to assault you under any circumstances.

Your living arrangements sound very stressful for everyone. Are your older dc getting support also for their mh problems ? It sounds like you all need some support.

[Rainbow]

From experience violence and children don't mix. He was arrested because of HIS behaviour. Nothing to do with you. HE can't control his temper and HE is a a threat to all of your safety. You will need to be strong and it won't be easy but he needs to control his temper or leave for the sake of your children. Good luck OP.

[Lweji]

Reading back again, are you getting help for your mental issues?

Note that you have been with this man for many years. Don't you think it's likely that he is actually making those mental issues worse through his behaviour? Isn't it possible or even likely that you'd be in a better mental health position without him around you every day?

From WA:
"Domestic violence can have an enormous effect on your mental health. It is now well accepted that abuse (both in childhood and in adult life) is often the main factor in the development of depression, anxiety and other mental health disorders, and may lead to sleep disturbances, self-harm, suicide and attempted suicide, eating disorders and substance misuse."

[ThePinkOcelot]

How is it your fault exactly?!

So you wouldn't want to put you kids through a break up, but you put them through his violent outbursts?!

[badbaldingballerina123]

It sounds like things have reached a crisis point and some professional support is required. You say your adult son has bpd and an addiction and that him and his dp are now living with you as he lost his flat. You also say he's not good with the younger children. If you are reluctant to leave them together it queries whether your son should be living with you at all. What help is your son getting and what plans does he have for housing ?

In your shoes I would ring the custody sergeant as others suggest. I would arrange for him to stay elsewhere until things have calmed down . I would also look at the issues with adult son , him and his dp need to find somewhere else to live. His loss of flat , mh problems and addiction is also not your problem and not a good mix for younger children.

It sounds like everyone else is coming first Op and that you feel too responsible for everyone else.

[Happyandsimple]

@JapaneseMagaret- Can you just think outside the box for a minute, his aggression is caused by a BRAIN INJURY. How does alchahol make his brain injury worse? It doesn't work like that. Trauma caused by the brain has changed his behavour, it isnt an excuse its not something he can control, it may not change his behavour 24/7 that doesnt mean its not real. certian things may make him react quicker to situations with no thought for consiquences, etc. if he is in a situation were there is no conflict then it wont effect him the same as in a situation were there is an argument because that normal bit in your brain that tells you to stay calm or react in a certian way isnt working.

I am very disapointed to see all these comments like " its just a knock on the head" no its not. and I have done alot of research at uni into this. Brain injurys can ruin lives, and it makes it worse when it looks like the paitent has made a full recovery , yet they are not themselves. some people who suffer these traumas, were absulutly the nicest person in the world, never hurt a soul, then suddenly after they are saying akward things, sexual things to strangers, adults, children, - but there not pedofiles, swearing at people , and yes sometimes it can be there loved once that bare the brunt of it because they are with tht person 24/7 . they dont want to be like that. and people saying " its his fault he is acting that way" it really isnt that black and white in all situations.

I am not saying its this mans situation as I don't know him. But I am responding to the insensitive comments about brain injury and its symptoms( Not yours. Just responding to everyone in one go.

[Happyandsimple]

People who arn't aware of the true damage brain trauma can cause. Please look at this case study. This is a true story and a case study used often, this man was a lovely man, no history of violence or anything. and his brain injury caused him to turn into someone else.


Phineas Gage
An Astonishing Case of Brain Injury

"Phineas Gage is often referred to as one of the most famous patients in neuroscience. He suffered a traumatic brain injury when an iron rod was driven through his entire skull, destroying much of his frontal lobe. Gage miraculously survived the accident, but was so changed as a result that many of his friends described him as an almost different man entirely"

"Similarly, most popular accounts of Phineas Gage describe him as having undergone profound personality changes because of his injury. He is often reported as having permanently lost his inhibitions, so that he started to behave inappropriately in social situations. Some reports state that became violent and "uncontrollable", and even that he started to molest children."

www.theguardian.com/science/blog/2010/nov/05/phineas-gage-head-personality

[Lweji]

The cause of the behaviour is irrelevant. What matters is the effect and neither the OP nor the children have to suffer it.
Even if he can't control it, then he should himself keep at a distance from people he may harm.

[MaryWestmacott]

Happy - I can see what you are saying, however if the change in his behaviour is down to the brain injury, then arguably he's more dangerous than if he's just a violent dick - if he can't control his behaviour the OP does not know if she or her DCs are ever safe in his company, if he can't stop himself lashing out, then he isn't fit to share a house with children and anyone physically weaker than him who couldn't stop him hurting them if he loses control.

There's two options, he can control it or he can't. If he can't control it, he's not safe to be around. If he can control it but choses not to, then he's not safe to be around.

[AskBasil4StuffingRecipe]

God everyone has understood and accepted that it may be the brain injury that is to cause for his behaviour.

But it doesn't matter. Harsh though it may be, we are not discussing how we can care for him and his injury. We are discussing the OP and her children and what they can do to make themselves safer and happier.

It doesn't matter what causes his behaviour. It is intolerable, whatever the cause.

[JapaneseMargaret]

Exactly.

And clearly the brain injury is exacerbated by alcohol.

[Temp09578]

I'd say it matters,when someone has seen their loved one turn from loving and caring person into a violent one. I think op is allowed to have some compassion for him in these circumstances

Agree Headway is fab. I used to work with someone who had a a brain injury, she couldn't praise them enough both for her,and her family 's support.

[Temp09578]

Sorry went too soon. That should say: compassion, whilst also being firm about unacceptable behavior.

[AskBasil4StuffingRecipe]

It doesn't matter in the sense that it makes no difference whatsoever to the fact that the behaviour is too dangerous to live with, however it is caused.

[AskBasil4StuffingRecipe]

Also recognising that you can have compassion for someone, doesn't mean you have to put yourself in danger by living with them.

You can have compassion for someone while at the same time protecting yourself and your children.

[kaylasmum]

NanaNina - thanks for your understanding post. I really feel that a lot of people have'nt been very fair, I know he is not a bad person!

I spoke to the arresting officer last night, she told me that my dp is extremely down and has admitted how bad his behaviour was and is going to plead guilty. The officer said she can tell he's a decent person. She is hoping to put to the court that there be no bail conditions when he goes to court.

A lot of you seem to know what type of person he is but you have'nt met him so you're only going on what I've told you. I know a bad person when I meet one, my 30 yo dd was going out with a man for 3 years, I never liked him although he came across as lovely, he treated my dd like shit and eventually raped and beat her up. He was sentenced to t'en years.

I can tell a bad person, my dp honestly is'nt. I can't tell if we'll stay together or not but I hope that we can work things out one way or another

[Lweji]

Did you tell the officer about the pillow?

I wouldn't say that my exH is a bad person, or I would have never stayed with him so long. But he was still capable of hurting me in the end. :(

[Lweji]

I truly wish him all the best, but I could never trust him again in my house, and I'm not sure if I'll ever trust him in my presence.

[Lweji]

Also, your DD's partner was admittedly a bad person.

But it still doesn't mean that your relationship with your OH is healthy or safe.

[kaylasmum]

Yes I did tell her and she asked me more than once if i wanted to report it, i told Her no. She Was very supportive and told me that maybe because of this my dp Will get more help, i hope so!

I know if things dont change i Will have to leave but I need plans if i'm gonna Do that.

[Namechangeyetagaintohide]

A decent person doesn't hit their wife or hold a pillow over her face. Or behave violently and aggressively to her.

I don't feel there's much more I can contribute really so I'm going to have to leave the thread now.

[Namechangeyetagaintohide]

Good luck OP.

[cestlavielife]

if you tell everything including the pillow incident and then he uses the brain injury as mitigation - he might get more help.... if you leave things out he wont get more help; he will get less...

[cestlavielife]

does he recall these incidents? does he know what he did? has he told his medical team/therapist/gp and asked for help? will he do so now?

[Lweji]

I do hope for you that you do make those plans.

Keep in mind that whatever you do, it should be for your benefit and of your children.
What we are saying it's not for us, or for our satisfaction. When we urge to you leave we are thinking of you and it's only advice, for you to take or leave.

Your DP may need help, but he must want to change, if he can. There is no harm in keeping some space from him while he works on these issues and to see if it is possible for him to change while you and the children are safe.
Do you think he'd agree to stay somewhere else at least for a few months to work on himself? It could be so that his own life had less stress. Worth suggesting to him?