feel awful, my dp has been arrested and it's my fault!

[kaylasmum]

Tonight after à few drinks with my dp, my dd, my ds and his boyfriend, my dp bécane aggressive and started shouting and swearing at me, my ds's dp tried to stand up for me and my dp started shouting at him, telling him to fuck off put of his house and being generally intimidating. My 11yo dd and7 yo da were upstairs and i was worried about them hearing so i called the pilice.. my dp has been arrested and will have ro attend court.

Mybdp has anger issues and is prone to violent outbursts when we argue. He has punched doors, thrown and kicked things and been generally agressive in the past. He has also kicked me and put a pillow over my face, this was a one off about à year ago.

I've threatened to leave so many times but dont want to put my kids through that, it would devestate them. My dp was knocked down by à van 20 years ago and had q brain injury. He is aeeiing à psychologist about his anger and she recoins his behaviour is all down to his brain injusry.

I feel absolutely awful that he is now in the cells until he appears in court and feel that its all my faultt. What an i gonna say to the kids?

[piggychops]

No, the violence and lack of inhibition can be related to the brain injury. I know 3 people to whom this has happened . In one case the anger was extreme and his wife ,mums friend, felt he had become a different person- very very agressive. In another, someone who was the most mild mannered person became horribly impstient and quick to flare up, and in the third my friend just lost his social inhibition which was occasionally funny but mostly awkward. His consultant said this was often a side effect of brain trauma.

Obviously alcohol won't help OP, but if he recognizes the anger is related to his brain injury he shouldn't be making it worse with drink.

[piggychops]

Oh and OP, none of this is your fault. It's his behaviour that resulted in the police coming, not yours. People's safety is paramount.

[ginslinger]

Change the locks and put his stuff on the doorstep

[HamPortCourt]

I also knew exactly what this thread would be about. I imagne the OP has been told time and time again it is her fault - "look what you made me do this time."

OP the time has come for you to see this situation for what it is. The police will probably have contacted your GP and Social Services who will want to speak to you ascertain what steps you are taking to ensure this violent man is excluded from your childrens home.

[FolkGirl]

Not sure which part of this is your fault. You're going to have to explain that to me slowly and in words of one syllable.

[Spadequeen]

He put a pillow over your face????????

You don't want to put your kids through you splitting up but you're ok with them seeing your p being aggressive.

You really need to seek help, this is not normal, please know that this is not your fault, it's entirely his fault

[FunkyBoldRibena]

I've threatened to leave so many times but dont want to put my kids through that, it would devastate them

More than attending your funeral?

Just leave or kick him out. Of course it is not your fault.

[FolkGirl]

Oh and it won't devastate them.

My dad beat me for years and my mother did nothing. She finally kicked him out when he had an affair (because that affected her).

I wasn't devastated. I was elated!

[ElsieMc]

This is not your fault at all. You have been incredibly loyal and forgiving given the circumstances.

I would make a point to those on here who refer to anger management. We wanted my gs1's dad (my gs lives with me) to attend an anger management programme. It was pointed out to me that he had been this way since he was at primary school and it was his personality - his extremely violent personality which will never ever change, coupled with his lack of remorse and empathy for others. His parents exhibit the same personality traits. It is always, always everyone else's fault.

I recall the Judge at his last conviction asking how on earth it could be self defence when the young victim was simply walking down the same road! You were just living in the same house with his children.

Everyone becomes angry and needs strategies to cope. Please free to disagree but prolific offenders are just that. His behaviour is long established and will not change.

You did the right thing for your children and from your ds's partner's reaction who sought to defend you, it is clearly unacceptable to others and your friends and family want to protect you. Protect them and ask him to leave.

[Lweji]

I hope you are convinced that it was not your fault and that you and your children are better off without him.

It's significant that only your DS's boyfriend stuck out for you. Your children are used to his violence. :( and see it as normal. They will see it as normal in their adult lives unless you put a stop to it now and are seen to reject it.

I hope the police put conditions for his release and he can't get back home.
But, just in case, do ring Women's Aid for advice and you can contact NCDV even over the weekend for an emergency injunction.

[heyday]

If he has known anger issues then it might be worth avoiding alcohol as this can fuel aggression.
His anger issues may well be down to his accident which is sad but it will be a much sadder scenario if his aggression escalates and the children become exposed to that. I am sure that the police would have just had a little chat with him and calmed him down if they could have. They must have seen him in a very aggressive or agitated state and didn't think it would be wise/safe to leave him in the house which is why they arrested him.
Yes, you called the police but that is where your responsibility for his predicament ends. None of us are ever responsible for another person's violence. This may well work for everyone's good in the end as perhaps he will get more support now for his anger issues and it may be a turning point in your lives. He may well take responsibility for his problems now or you may decide that it's time to cut the ties somewhat. It's obvious that some changes have to be made now so make sure you are in the driving seat.

[ArcheryAnnie]

It's not your fault. It's his fault for being violent. I'm glad he is getting help, but that does not excuse his behaviour. You did the right thing by a) protecting your kids, and b) being a role model to your kids that violence is never acceptable and has consequences.

You did the right thing, OP, even if you are conflicted about it. Hold onto that.

[AskBasil4StuffingRecipe]

If I got a brain injury which meant that when I drank alcohol I became angry, furious and violent, then I would give up drinking alcohol.

Does your DP get violent with his work colleagues, friends, other people in the street, or is it just with his family? If the latter, then it ain't his brain injury that's causing this, it's his sense of entitlement.

But as someone else said, in the end it doesn't really matter what causes it, you cannot live with someone who might kill or seriously injure you or one of your children at any time. If someone had ebola, it's very very sad, it's not their fault, but you can't carry on sharing your space with them for your own protection.

It is not your fault your DP was arrested. It is very probable that it was his own fault. The fact is, you need to role model to your children what is acceptable and what isn't. Violence isn't.

[kaylasmum]

Thanks to everyone who's replied. I need to explain à few things as i'ce made him out to be à complete monster. He's not! For the most part he's a kind, caring and loyal man, he's also an extremely good father. My three adult kids are not his and my dp has been brilliant with them. My eldest dd has bpd and for a year we looked after my dgs, my dp was fully behind this decision.

My 28 yo ds also has bpd and a prescription pill addiction, he lost his flat a few months ago and my dp was fine with him moving home with his dp. We are extremely overcrowded and its not been easy, but my dp has accepted this without question.

His anger and violent outbursts can't be excused, i know that but he is trying to get better. I feel that maybe i overreacted by calling the police and did it to teach him a lesson, but i've made things a thousand Times worse. He's gonna be in the cells until monday and i'm worried that they'll set bail conditions that he has to stay away from me. I work evenings and he watchws the kids, dont know what i'll do.

To the poster who spoke about the police arresting him cos they would have seen him acting aggressively, he was very calm when the police arrived.

[FunkyBoldRibena]

OP - why is it your fault exactly? If he is regularly angry and has violent outbursts, it is his decision to do that.

Funny how he was calm in front of the police, don't you think?

[Happyandsimple]

I can say that a brain injury can 100percent be a reason for someone being violent aggressive if they were not like that before. This is proven and if that is the real reason and his dr confirms this, then it isnt his fualt, i never side with abusers, but i have completed essays on this a man yesrs ago had a rod go through his head they thought he would die, he was a calm polite man, they thought he had fully recovered but he was now very angry , swearing at everyone. He genuinly couldnt help it, so of this is the case for your partner a prison cell isnt were he should be, he needs to be under close management with his dr and find consider medication. Now if he had his brain injury 20 years ago and didnt start acting this way till recently then the two are unlikely related. I mean of he was fine before accident and changed right after but this would mean he is like this with everyone not just you. If he is like this manly with just you then i would doubt the reason. But again please no one jump on me there is no excuse for abuse and it is mot your fault he is in jail you stopped this from escalating he could have hurt somene. It is best he stays elsewerre while he gets under better management. I am sorry your going through this, no matter what the reason its not your job to put up with this, yur important and yu cant put up with this. Do what u have to do for you.

[ArcheryAnnie]

Oh, OP, it would be so much easier if men who behaved badly were monsters! I don't doubt that you've had good times with him, or that he hasn't his good sides, and that he can be loving and responsible when he chooses.

However, that doesn't excuse any of his violent outbursts. In my experience, it makes the violent outbursts worse as it's really difficult to reconcile the caring man you love with the guy who is forcing a pillow over your face.

You know it can't go on like this. He needs more help than he's currently getting, and you and your kids need protecting from his violent outbursts. You know this.

[Twinklebells]

Of course he shouldn't come back. He held a pillow over your face? What part of that is ok. He is not a good father in any way, shape or form.

[GoatsDoRoam]

He is not kind and caring if he has attempted to smother you, shouts and swears and intimidates you, or pushes you even once. Kind and caring men do not do that.

They really don't.

Let us assume for one minute that this is the fruit of his brain injury and not his nasty beliefs about your place in his life. Even then, you should not be exposed to such treatment. Your children should not be exposed to such treatment. If he were the kind and caring man you want to believe that he is he would leave out of horror and remorse at treating you this way.

He's not leaving, is he? He thinks he is entitled to treat you this way, OP.

You need to stop threatening to leave, love, and actually go through with it. You and your children are being horribly damaged by this.

[kaylasmum]

He had calmed down before the Police arrived.

He has lost his temper at work before with his manager but not to the extent that he does with me. The brain injury has affected him in other ways also, his memory is very poor , he loses things all the time, he's very disorganised and he's quite impulsive.

He's due in work on monday, He's already on thin ice there, i'm scared he'll lose his job over this, then we'll lose our home. This IS my fault i should have just let him call down

[ArcheryAnnie]

If he were the kind and caring man you want to believe that he is he would leave out of horror and remorse at treating you this way.

Yes this.

There are two options: one, that the man you experience at other times as loving and caring, is still loving and caring, and that his injury makes him behave this way. If this is true, then he would want you to be as safe as possible, and that means not with him. When he is in his right mind, does he genuinely think it OK to hold a pillow over your head? When he has calmed down, does he think it's OK to traumatise your children, or is he horrified that he's done so? Since he carries on having violent outbursts, a man who genuinely cared about you and your kids would remove himself from your home in order to keep you all safe.

The second option is that he thinks it's ok to treat you like this, and his loving and caring side more than make up for it. However caring he is at other times, nothing makes up for any instances of violence, and you know this.

So many men who hurt their partners and their children still perceive themselves as "good men" when they are anything but.

[ArcheryAnnie]

This IS my fault i should have just let him call down

And what would have happened to you if he had held that pillow down over your head just a little longer? What would happen if he shoves you just a little too hard, next time, and you hit your head on the way down? What would happen to your home, then?

[GoatsDoRoam]

Brain injury or not, if his behavior harms you and the children, then you need to be away from it.

Your duty is to your children first, and yourself. Not a damaged/abusive man.

[AskBasil4StuffingRecipe]

OP this is not your fault.

It really isn't.

A man who has angry outbursts which he thinks he is entitled to have, is not a good father. He's scaring them and role modelling the behaviour they should think is normal in future. That's not being a good father.

I think you feel really grateful to him for having accepted your children, but you know, that's not something he should get a medal for, that's something that's normal behaviour in a partner. I also think you've been trained to "manage" his behaviour by rolling with his violence (letting him calm down etc.) because of making allowances for his brain injury.

You can't carry on doing that. Whatever the reason, he is dangerous to you and he doesn't seem to be doing anyhtng to stop being dangerous to you.

What did he think about holding a pillow over your head? What was his response afterwards?

Has he been to seek medication to get his condition managed?

[dunfightin]

Totally agree with other posters up thread. If brain injuries caused violence then everyone who'd ever had a nasty knock on the head would come with a health warning - it would be discussed like smoking and lung cancer or type 2 diabetes and obesity. There are instances when this does happen but there is no excuse and it wouldn't just be you or the family where he'd have outbursts.
Your children will appreciate the calmness that comes when no one is treading on eggshells and waiting for this man to get angry or get violent.
Sure, when you look back at the argument you can pick over what was the 'spark point' that led to this and wonder whether you might have stopped tempers rising but the issue is not that you argued - everyone does at times, especially at this stressful time of year - but the vast majority of us don't end up physically assaulting their friends and relatives, making everyone in the house afraid to the extent that the police get called and then the police make an arrest. In a nutshell, the issue is his and it is his responsibility to deal with this. Your responsibility is to keep your DCs safe.
Good luck, OP, it won't be easy in the short term but long term a life without abuse is wonderful