feel awful, my dp has been arrested and it's my fault!

[kaylasmum]

Tonight after à few drinks with my dp, my dd, my ds and his boyfriend, my dp bécane aggressive and started shouting and swearing at me, my ds's dp tried to stand up for me and my dp started shouting at him, telling him to fuck off put of his house and being generally intimidating. My 11yo dd and7 yo da were upstairs and i was worried about them hearing so i called the pilice.. my dp has been arrested and will have ro attend court.

Mybdp has anger issues and is prone to violent outbursts when we argue. He has punched doors, thrown and kicked things and been generally agressive in the past. He has also kicked me and put a pillow over my face, this was a one off about à year ago.

I've threatened to leave so many times but dont want to put my kids through that, it would devestate them. My dp was knocked down by à van 20 years ago and had q brain injury. He is aeeiing à psychologist about his anger and she recoins his behaviour is all down to his brain injusry.

I feel absolutely awful that he is now in the cells until he appears in court and feel that its all my faultt. What an i gonna say to the kids?

[Lweji]

Imagine the disruption to the children's lives if he had "accidentally" killed you with that pillow.

[ouryve]

I can't see how it's any good for your mental health issues, living with someone so likely to explode so spectacularly.

[cestlavielife]

you tell the kids that bad behaviour has consequences.
if it is true his brain injury causes this he can bring that up as evidence/mitigation - he might get an order to attend psych treatment etc.
either way whether he has brain injury or not you have to protect yourself and dc.
that is your job.
having him around is not protecting you or your dc.

[JapaneseMargaret]

I know he is a good man deep down.

Why do people say this? It's basically admitting he's a bad person.

You shouldn't have to look deep down. It's not normal, the situation you're in. You're excusing him.

My DH is a good man, full stop. I'm not saying that for one second to gloat, or anything ridiculous like that. But just to spell out the different between your normal and my normal.

He is not a good man, if you have to qualify it the way you have. A good man doesn't hit, hurt, scream at, shout at, or try to suffocate the person they love.

I'm sure your mental health problems wouldn't be half as problematic if you didn't live with an abuser.

[kaylasmum]

My kids did not witness him hit me and I try my best not to argue in front of them.

He is already getting treatment for his anger issues

I'm worried about my kids and my future, don't know how I'll cope

[kaylasmum]

I'm so worried about what to say to my kids if my dp is'nt allowed near me

[Littledragon13]

Be honest and open with them, kids know a lot more than they are given credit for in situations like this

[FolkGirl]

I've sat in on police interviews where children have been interviewed over their dads doing similar. They always ask the children what they would like the police to do.

Overwhelmingly, they say, "don't let him come back home"

They also say how much nicer it is in the house without them there (after arrest).

[Namechangeyetagaintohide]

Even if they didn't see they will know. Kids do.

[Starlightbright1]

A few things stick out for me in your post other than what others have said.

Your oldest 2 ( although not his have BPD) now there is a whole nature vs nuture debate which I am sure you are well aware of but people with BPD do need stability and need to learn that it is safe to express emotions safely. All your children need to be able to do this.

Secondly my ex was abusive and he had MH problems. It wasn't till I left and did the freedom program that I was able to understand no matter what his problems there was no reason I should have to be treated that way and a lot of his problems were abusive.

[handcream]

Sorry, I get really tired of women complaining that they cannot do it to their children! You are only thinking of yourself, what YOU will feel like if you dont have him there?...

Please just leave him and stop making excuses for him.

[kaylasmum]

Handcream, you are so wrong, if it was'nt for the kids I would have left years ago. I don't even know what my feelings are for him because of his behaviour over the years. I know how badly it affected me wheny parents split up, I just wanted them back together

[NanaNina]

You need to calm down Kaylasmom and I just wish these posters would listen to you instead of telling you what to do. It's so bloody easy isn't it when it's not your life but someone elses. This is your life and you can do what's right for you and the kids. In a perfect world we would all live like they do on the TV adverts but life's not like that and I get so pissed off with people before so definite about what someone else should do, and you obviously feel the need to defend yourself against these posters. You don't need to do that. But you do need to calm down.

Do you know if the police have charged him with an offence - probably not as he is drunk, so they will keep him overnight and probably release him tomorrow morning when he's sober. If you don't make a statement they won't really be able to charge him unless it's something like "breach of the peace" or something like that. He will almost certainly be bailed and I doubt the bail conditions will mean he can't return to his home address.

Can you phone the station (ask for the Custody Sargeant) and ask them what's happening. You can tell them you don't want to make a statement. As to the future, well that's something that you will need to think about over time, you can't make those sorts of decisions now.

And please LTB posters don't come on telling me off for my post.

[20fifteen]

Sorry
You lost me at "after a few drinks"
Seriously - move on
Whatever it takes you deserve better

[ArcheryAnnie]

Kaylasmum I o understand that if your parents' split caused you so much pain that you are reluctant to visit that on your children - but their situation is not your situation.

I've been in their situation, and I used to beg my mother to leave my father. I didn't care where we would live, however awful it was, because where we were was so awful, just every day another day of waiting for the shouting to start. (And the days when there is no shouting are every bit as bad as the days they are, because you are just waiting for the blowup to start.)

As I said before, I don't expect you to take any of the advice that people are giving you here, but if you take nothing else away, I hope you have come to see that your childhood is not their childhood, and that you are not at fault for the police arresting your violent partner. If he hadn't been violent, they would not have arrested him.

[MaryWestmacott]

Op, there are people on here who have been in your dcs situation, with a violent scary dad, and a mum who is convinced having him in the home is best for them. None seem to think their mum made the right choice.

Do you know what your DP is being charged with? Is it to do with you or did your ds's DP make a complaint?

[beepbeep]

On what grounds has he been remanded until the next court rather than being bailed? What has he been charged with? because From what you describe I'm struggling to see what offence would warrant a charge & remand. I find it very hard to believe he would have been remanded for a verbal altercation within a dwelling.

[beepbeep]

What I mean is that usually a remand is for his safety or the safety of the victim, usually following an assault or on the basis of a pretty shocking history of domestic violence. If this is the case please use the time to think seriously about your future.

[ArcheryAnnie]

Anway, whatever you do, kaylasmum, be kind to yourself.

[NanaNina]

Wonder why Kaylasmom has left the thread - think I might have a wild guess. I just don't get it with all you women who keep on and on and on telling another woman to LTB - change the locks - get rid - etc etc and nothing but nothing will stop you. Yes I know some of you have been victims of domestic violence (I was too many years ago when I was a young mother) and yes I did leave.........and had no regrets.

BUT women will make their own decision, they will leave in their own time (or not at all) and in their own way. Sometimes it can take years for a woman to make the break - the OP is 48 - she's a comparatively young woman so who knows what the future holds. Can't any of you see that no matter what you post and how much you explain and rationalise the OP is not on the same wavelength and your posts aren't going to change that. In fact they've probably scared her off.........MN can be great but I wish people would realise that we can't make tell people what they should do...........the OP like everyone else has the right to self determination and ok her kids are victims in the situation but sadly that's the case for thousands of kids.

Can anyone explain why you continue to post when you can see that your posts are not helping the OP - she got very defensive and I can see why. Do you think "more of the same" is going to change her mind. How can any of us make such sweeping declarations of what someone should do based on a few lines of text on a computer screen.

Sorry I know I sound ranty - it just gets to me that's all, and it happens so often and the OP disappears from the thread but still the posts keep coming telling her to LTB............but instead she leaves the bastard thread!!!

[differentnameforthis]

If he has known anger issues then it might be worth avoiding alcohol as this can fuel aggression.

Can we please stop with the misinformation that alcohol causes people to be violent, please. It doesn't.

It just gives already violent people a convenient excuse to hurt people. It lowers inhibitions & so makes it harder to hide the violent streak already within them.

[BeakyMinder]

Well said NanaNina!

[JapaneseMargaret]

OK, differentname, but surely the advice still stands: he should be avoiding alcohol, since it exacerbates the problem?

Am I missing something? It feels like you're splitting a pointless hair.

[differentnameforthis]

The point I am making is that we need to stop blaming alcohol for violence.

The violence is always there.

I don't think that messages is pointless, but whatever.

[Lweji]

Kayla, it's natural that your previous experience is making you very reluctant to put your children in your previous position.
But it is not the same.
They would stay with their mother, and in a much better environment than they are now.
I think you should talk to all of them, with the adults first and get their thoughts on this. You may need to talk indirectly, via a story for example with the youngest.
And talk with people who can tell you about the effects of dv on children.

This is indeed a golden opportunity to finish the relationship, but even if you don't want to commit now to finish it, you can still give it some time out to see how it works out.

My son witnessed some pretty shitty behaviour from exH after we split. He is sad, but not angry that his dad can't live with us. He knows it's because of ex's behaviour, but he also knows that such behaviour is utterly unacceptable. And I'd hope that he will have learnt to treat other people better than his dad does.
This is a message of hope for you that things can be better for the children after separation from an abuser.

I'd very much agree with you in staying if he wasn't abusive and particularly physically abuse.

I think those of us that have been there can understand your position because we've all been there and have been reluctant. I've called the police and then accepted him back. Huge mistake.
But there is no other advice that I can honestly give you other than to ultimately leave the bastard. If not this minute, eventually. And to work towards that.
Not even mainly for yourself, but mostly for the sake of your children.
So that they have a healthy, alive mother. So that they live in a calm home, without stress or violence.

Keep talking, if not here to real life support.