feel awful, my dp has been arrested and it's my fault!

[kaylasmum]

Tonight after à few drinks with my dp, my dd, my ds and his boyfriend, my dp bécane aggressive and started shouting and swearing at me, my ds's dp tried to stand up for me and my dp started shouting at him, telling him to fuck off put of his house and being generally intimidating. My 11yo dd and7 yo da were upstairs and i was worried about them hearing so i called the pilice.. my dp has been arrested and will have ro attend court.

Mybdp has anger issues and is prone to violent outbursts when we argue. He has punched doors, thrown and kicked things and been generally agressive in the past. He has also kicked me and put a pillow over my face, this was a one off about à year ago.

I've threatened to leave so many times but dont want to put my kids through that, it would devestate them. My dp was knocked down by à van 20 years ago and had q brain injury. He is aeeiing à psychologist about his anger and she recoins his behaviour is all down to his brain injusry.

I feel absolutely awful that he is now in the cells until he appears in court and feel that its all my faultt. What an i gonna say to the kids?

[Happyandsimple]

". I have hit him in the past when we argued, pulled his hair and slapped him" - NOT ONE PERSON HAS SAID SOMETHING ABOUT THIS , how is she the text book victm when she used to hurt him first? None of there bahvaiur is right, this relationship, should not continue. But everyones commenting on how shit he is. And how she needs help. They both need anger help. She used to pull his hair?? Please someone aknowledge this. Violence is never acceptable male or female and if. A man said this at this point in the thread he would be jumped on. But no people are still going not saying anything..unless i missed it.. im just shocked :(

[Happyandsimple]

Sorry one person mentored .. have you had help for your anger issues? I think there is more to the story , he forgave you after yo slapping him , pulling his hair out...what else is going on? There is no excuse for violence. Did you get counselling ? What was the comsiquences of your actions? Did you leave the house? Some how do something that proved you had changed? Was this before you had kids or after? (( dont get me wrong this relationship is toxic but not just from his side.

[Lweji]

True, happy.

Actually, I was going to post then that the relationship is ALL wrong on both sides.

Were your acts of aggression were before or after his?

Regardless, it doesn't take away that he is violent, that he has hit you and that he has held a pillow to your face.

The first incident of violence between me and then fiance was when I lost it and slapped him and in response he held me by the neck against the window. Yes, I was wrong (although I felt entitled to do it at the time), but his response was even worse and I almost left him over it. But I felt I had thrown the first "punch", so he was somewhat justified. He wasn't. I didn't know then what I know now about DV.

[kaylasmum]

Believe me I understand everything you are all saying, but I feel sick to my stomach with it all. The kids did not witness him hitting me but have been subjected to our arguements and on occasion his violent unpredictable behaviour. I don't want them growing up with this. My mum and dad split when I was about 9 and it devestated me, I just can't bear the thought of them feeling that pain.

And yes I did hit him in the past when we argued, but I quickly realised it had to stop and it did, I'm ashamed of my past behaviours.

He did tell his therapist about hitting me, he holds his hands up to his behaviour and does'nt expect me to excuse it.

[Twinklebells]

Don't you think parents splitting is way better than living in a violent household?

And your own parents - was theirs a violent relationship?

[Lweji]

Your children won't be devastated by starting to live in a calm, relaxed, home, where the main cause of stress and violence is away.

Have any of you hit or threatened your children?

He doesn't expect you to excuse him because he knows you'll stick by him. You feel sorry for poor him and his accident. His therapy is a good excuse to keep doing what he's already done because "he's working on it".

Why won't you let him work on it away from the family and leave the door open for when he is sorted, then?

[ArcheryAnnie]

Always feel you can come back and talk about this more, kaylasmum, even though most of us have come to different conclusions than you.

[kaylasmum]

Also when I hit him it was when he was right in my face saying horrible things to me, I just lashed out, trying to get him to stop. I was wrong and my behaviour was abhorrent but I stopped it.

[Lweji]

Yes, it may feel like a barrage, but nobody will tell you off for not leaving.
God knows I (and many) have stuck out for longer than we should.

I would hope that your eyes start to open in relation to him, and your relationship, really.

I would urge you to seek extra advice, from WA, from your personal counsellor. To get financial advice as well as legal, so that most of your fears can be put to rest, and you know what can happen if (when) you decide to leave.

I would urge you to read on the effects of DV, and domestic abuse, on children and on victims. And if you can, do do the Freedom Programme.

[Lweji]

You know that such behaviour from him is also DV. Screaming abuse on your face is physical intimidating, particularly if you are prevented from walking away.

[kaylasmum]

My parents relationship was not violent. My mum wanted a different life, my dad brought me and my sister up. They did argue a lot though.

I know he is a good man deep down. After his accident he was severly depressed, attempted suicide and was sectioned for a while. I still think I overreacted.

[kaylasmum]

I'm a 48 yo woman and the thought of starting all over again terrifies me. How will I work, where will i live, where the hell do I start

[Lweji]

He may be whatever deep down. But his actions are what counts.
And he is abusing you and the children.
What you feel is him deep down is your hope that he is a good person.
Unfortunately, it's that hope, that self constructed belief that keeps many women in abusive relationships.

Your parents splitting is very different from sending an abuser away.

It does not matter if they can help it or not. They are still dangerous and abusive.
The accident was 20 years ago, FGS. If his behaviour could improve, it would have by now.

You are not a mental health worker. You have no responsibility over his behaviour, you cannot control it and you cannot fix it. You can only walk away and protect yourself.

[Lweji]

I know it's bloody scary. Better the devil you know, hey?

Get as much info as you can. It can be ok. You can be in control of your life.

You could find some space by asking him for some time apart to sort out your and his head. I think you will notice a difference in your life.
Sort out all the other practicalities. You will find that it can be sorted.

[DioneTheDiabolist]

OP, it is not your fault that your DP was arrested. It may indeed be the best thing for him and your relationship that he was. It will show him how serious his behaviour is and may act as leverage in getting him more help to deal with his anger. I get the impression that both of you have been minimising his anger and its impact on your family. Believe me, it is incredibly damaging and it is time that you both realised it. It is hurting your DCs. You have got to let your
feelings of guilt go. They will only make things worse by preventing whatever changes your children need you to make.

Can your older DC or partners look
after the younger ones while you work.

[JaceyBee]

Was he around since the children were little? It's interesting that you have an aggressive DP and two children with borderline personality disorder. This is often caused by growing up in a household that is emotionally invalidating if not directly abusive/neglectful, or complex and repeated traumas.

I don't mean to sound accusing! Just wondering how long he's been stepdad for?

[kaylasmum]

No matter what he's done I just feel so bad for him being locked up for three nights. My kids will hate me if they know that I called the police and now their dad is locked up

[kaylasmum]

I work 6-11 pm on a Wednesday and thursday evening. They need a parent to be there, my adult ds is'nt really good with children and my 2 adult dds have children of their own.

My older kids have had mental health problems before he became step dad so there is absolutely no connection there at all

[Lweji]

They won't hate you, kayla. They might actually be relieved if they knew.

He might, though. Prepare for the aftermath and protect yourself.

My 9 year old son understands why dad has to be away from us, why police have been called (unfortunately he didn't wait for them). He doesn't hate me.

[Lweji]

You can arrange for alternative child care. I'm sure your DDs will help if it means you being free from him.
Have you talked to them?

[FunkyBoldRibena]

My parents relationship was not violent. My mum wanted a different life, my dad brought me and my sister up.

HUGE difference.

[kaylasmum]

I know you mean well, but I just can't see past the disruption that this going to cause in my children's life. I have mental health issues to and don't know how I'll cope without him. Eveeything will change for my kids, its unbearable

[Namechangeyetagaintohide]

Your children's lives are already disrupted !

They know damn well their mum is being subjected to violence and abuse. They would probably be relived to not have to deal with it anymore.

[Namechangeyetagaintohide]

You did really well to call the police. It's the best thing you could have done.

It won't be easy to leave but the different it will make to your and the children's lives with be worth it !

[FunkyBoldRibena]

Eveeything will change for my kids, its unbearable

You bet it will - it will be lovely for them to not worry about their mother being suffocated or killed during an argument.