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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

feel awful, my dp has been arrested and it's my fault!

166 replies

kaylasmum · 27/12/2014 04:18

Tonight after à few drinks with my dp, my dd, my ds and his boyfriend, my dp bécane aggressive and started shouting and swearing at me, my ds's dp tried to stand up for me and my dp started shouting at him, telling him to fuck off put of his house and being generally intimidating. My 11yo dd and7 yo da were upstairs and i was worried about them hearing so i called the pilice.. my dp has been arrested and will have ro attend court.

Mybdp has anger issues and is prone to violent outbursts when we argue. He has punched doors, thrown and kicked things and been generally agressive in the past. He has also kicked me and put a pillow over my face, this was a one off about à year ago.

I've threatened to leave so many times but dont want to put my kids through that, it would devestate them. My dp was knocked down by à van 20 years ago and had q brain injury. He is aeeiing à psychologist about his anger and she recoins his behaviour is all down to his brain injusry.

I feel absolutely awful that he is now in the cells until he appears in court and feel that its all my faultt. What an i gonna say to the kids?

OP posts:

Report

kaylasmum · 27/12/2014 13:44

He has offered to leave in the past and he admits that he's no good but we dont wantto split the family. This is a mess and i feel bad that he's locked up for the weekend. I've had to make up a story for the kids, I can't go to work tomorrow as he looks after the kids

OP posts:

FolkGirl · 27/12/2014 13:59

I know someone has already said this, but I don't think everyone has got it.

Acquired brain injuries can absolutely cause this sort of behaviour change.

Unfortunately the resulting damage is the same regardless of the explanation for the behaviour.

ouryve · 27/12/2014 14:01

Absolutely not your fault. He is the twat who can't keep his fists to himself.

Littledragon13 · 27/12/2014 14:04

Please don't blame yourself OP. I've been there and done all this and it breaks my heart to know someone is going through this

ouryve · 27/12/2014 14:05

And the brain injury doesn't make it excusable. If he can't live with people without being abusive and violent towards them, then he needs to change his living situation.

Does he randomly end up being abusive and violent towards strangers, or has he got more self control around them?

Twinklebells · 27/12/2014 14:06

but by subjecting your children to this you are showing them what their future relationships should be like. What if he kills you - will that be your fault too?

Regardless of the cause of his behaviour you really need to protect yourselves don't you think?

Finola1step · 27/12/2014 14:08

His fault. Not yours

ArcheryAnnie · 27/12/2014 14:08

but we dont wantto split the family

What will happen to your family if next time he has a violent outburst he goes that little bit too far and kills you?

(Approx two women are killed by their partners every week, and not all of those partners will have visible horns and a tail.)

kaylasmum · 27/12/2014 14:10

I have to stress that he does'nt hit me, that was a one off and he was remorseful over it. I have hit him in the past when we argued, pulled his hair and slapped him, I realised I had to stop and this has'nt happened for many years. I just want to point out that I'm not a defenceless downtrodden little woman.

I'm not proclaiming to love him deeply and can't be without him, but I worry about mine and the kids future without him, financially, emotionally for the kids and all the practicalities that come with a separation.

I genuinely believe he's not a bad person, he really does'nt like being like that

OP posts:

Twinklebells · 27/12/2014 14:20

so holding a pillow over your face is ok is it? What would you say to your daughter if her boyfriend did this to her. Don't worry love it is fine, stop winding him up and he didn't hit you. And if you have hit him then this just shows your relationship is just toxic and needs to end.

He is behaving like a bad person. And staying with him because you are worried about money - well..... Have you even looked into how much you would have if he left. Visit the website entitled to.

ArcheryAnnie · 27/12/2014 14:22

Honestly kaylasmum, many of us here understand that you perceive him as a good person - nobody is all good or all bad. But that really isn't the issue here.

I, like your kids, grew up in a home where the father figure was prone to violent outbursts. Now, he did hit us, and hit our mum, and all the rest of it - but that's not what I remember as the worst thing. The thing that has stayed with me for my entire life is wondering when his next outburst would be. The thing that triggers me as an adult is not someone hitting me, but someone I love and trust shouting at me. And I can't watch any films or tv where anticipation or suspense is a thing - I cannot bear anything where you are waiting for something violent to happen, even if it never does. My entire childhood was one of waiting for the next outburst, and that waiting was worse than any of the physical bruises.

(And in this I was lucky. I was lucky that he didn't kill my mum, or permanently physically damage us. We were lucky it wasn't worse. Two women a week are not so lucky. Some of those women won't have been hit at all, until they were hit for the first and last time.)

Is that what you want for your kids? Is that what you want for yourself?

kaylasmum · 27/12/2014 14:28

He does have more control around other people, but don't we all? He has hit me once, I don't fear for my life at all. I was at his last psychology appt with him and she explained that his anger is a separate issue, he is not the problem, his anger is and that they will be treating the anger.

I totally understand what everyone is saying about this affecting the kids but I just keep hoping things can get better. Also I'm not perfect, I tend to keep the arguement going and push and push when I should probably just let it drop.

OP posts:

Lweji · 27/12/2014 14:30

The one off could have killed you.

As I said earlier, your children will think this is normal and will likely abuse or be abused in their relationships.
They are not even defending you right now. An outsider is.

Very few abused women are defenceless or downtrodden.
I am not. I can give as much as I can take. I have a PhD and a good job. I was the breadwinner.
My exH still thought it was ok to threaten me, but of course I could take it. Until he hit me. And it was the end.

This is where you show your strength. Financials and housing can be sorted. The abuse cannot be sorted unless he leaves.
Please use the links I posted earlier and show yourself and your children what to do to violent bullies.

Lweji · 27/12/2014 14:31

Of course it's him. And it's dangerous for you. The therapist is talking utter bollocks and should have advised you to separate from him ages ago!

Lweji · 27/12/2014 14:32

Try to have some therapy yourself to understand why you are putting up with this.
I bet the advice will be very different from his therapist...

tribpot · 27/12/2014 14:35

He does have more control around other people, but don't we all?

Well not all of us are claiming to have a brain injury at the root of our violent behaviour. Are you saying this is a selective brain injury that only causes aggression towards you?

His psychologist was trying to give you medical reassurance. Is she aware that he held a pillow over your face and hit you?

If you back down when he is released from custody all he will learn is that you are less likely to call the police next time. And the abuse will escalate.

FolkGirl · 27/12/2014 14:36

I wasn't defenceless or downtrodden either. That was part of the problem. I didn't know my place and needed teaching...

ArcheryAnnie · 27/12/2014 14:36

kaylasmum it's clear you see things differently from those of us who have been in your position (or in the position of your kids) and nothing we say will move you.

I just hope both you and your kids survive this, not just in the short term, but in the long term, too, when your kids are trying to imagine what a healthy and happy family of their own looks like.

Lweji · 27/12/2014 14:39

And, my dear, you are a text book domestic violence victim, even if you don't think so. :(
You blame yourself, you keep excusing him, you are worried about the financial consequences, you worry about the effect on him, he has even offered to leave and you didn't take it, you minimise his behaviour.
TBH you are being a fool for not being afraid of him.

Of course he can be great. All abusers can be great. But the bit where is isn't great, it's very dangerous.
The question is not how much of the relationship is good.
Ask yourself if you can live with the bad parts.

MaryWestmacott · 27/12/2014 14:39

OP - whether or not he's a bad person isn't the question.

The quesiton should be, can he or can he not control his violent temper?

If he can control it, but just choses not to with you, then he doesn't actually love you, no matter what he says when he's feeling calm and happy, or however much he does for you. If he is chosing to do this to you now and then, it's because he thinks it's ok to hurt you - that is not the attitude of love.

The other option is he can't control it. If he can't control his violent outburst, how can you be certain the next victim won't be your younger DCs? You can't, unless you do actually think he can control it. How can you be certain that next time he won't hit yu a bit too hard and kill you. You can't, unless you actually think he can control it and will chose not to go that far.

It's a choice or it's not. If it's not something he can control, he's not safe to be in the house with young children and a woman who is physically weaker than him.

If he can control it but is chosing to hurt you then pretend he can't due to his previous head injury, then he's a cunt who is lying about loving you and you can do better, but at least it's just you and your Ds's boyfriend he's chosing to take his temper out on. Personally, I think it's an insane choice to stay with a man who is chosing to hit, you but that's your life, but if you don't think he can control it, why are you allowing him to be around small children?

So, can he control it or not? Is he a genuine danger, or does he just not like you very much and knows you won't stop him so hurts you?

Namechangeyetagaintohide · 27/12/2014 14:41

You don't want to slept the family but are happy to let your kids see him being violent and abusive towards their mum ?

Do you want your DD and DS to grow up thinking this is how someone should treat their partner ?

Please get yourself and your kids away from him. He is violent and your children are being exposed to violence. They are growing up in a violent home and will think this is ok if you don't get out

Twinklestein · 27/12/2014 14:43

You don't want to put the kids through leaving their father, but you do want to put them through the stress and trauma of watching an aggressive, out of control father verbally and physically abuse their mother and terrify them, just so that they can repeat the pattern in their own lives: if a boy - to become an abuser, if a girl - to become a victim of an abuser.

Why on earth would you think the latter was preferable?

It doesn't matter what causes his behaviour - whether a brain injury or his own personality. The fact is that he is too stressful and dangerous to live with and you should be putting your kids first by getting them out of the situation.

You ask what to tell your kids, well I suggest you reassure them that if anyone behaves the way your partner did last night they will be taken away for everybody's safety.

MaryWestmacott · 27/12/2014 14:44

BTW - you're mixing up an explaination and an excuse. His previous head injury might explain his behaviour, it doesn't excuse it. Just because you might be able to understand why he acts like this, doesn't make it ok.

Lweji · 27/12/2014 14:44

It doesn't really matter if he can control it or not, the fact is that he is aggressive, and is thus a danger to you all.
A danger to your physical and mental health.

Namechangeyetagaintohide · 27/12/2014 14:44

I've just read he has hit you as well. I bet he didn't mention that to his therapist.

I hope the police do ensure he is kept away from you and the children.

I also hope they will alert the appropriate agencies to help you. Does anyone know if this will be done automatically ?

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