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Relationships

Worst Christmas Ever...wondering if it'll ever get better

87 replies

officeworker · 26/12/2014 19:53

Hello,

I'm following on from my previous threads about my break up with my partner, it's been two and a half months now and I've just gone through the worst Christmas of my life. I know people have it a lot lot worse than I do, but right now I just need a bit of hand holding about how to get through this period of the year.

He left me and our home at the start of November, the tenancy ended at the end of November and we've both moved back home (I'm 30, he's 27). The reason for our breakup is mainly because I betrayed his trust, lying about something irrelevant, if I'd have told the truth in the first place it'd have been fine, but to him once the trust is broken then that's it, you can't get it back. I'd been trying my hardest to show I'm a good person for three months afterwards, but he just decided he'd had enough and left.

So since we moved out we've had periods of not talking, which going from speaking all the time to nothing has been awful for me. Since the tenancy ended he's been on WhatsApp, sending me messages about the final rent payment. Sometimes I get upset and am really just pleading back to him, other times I try to be as hard as I possibly can. It transpired he'd blocked my phone number (I didn't realise) and that was why he was using WhatsApp. He only goes on it to message me. On Monday, we had another discussion about the landlord, which went into another who was at fault for our breakup. I told him I knew I was, that I have to live with that guilt every single day and that I hope he meets someone who makes him happy as much as that hurts. He replied with a message saying he'd had the most fun with me that he's ever had with another person. That's the last I've heard from him.

Now that it's Christmas I've been distraught, I've cried every single day and pretty much ruined my families Christmas by being so miserable. I miss him all the time. I didn't message him at all, he goes on WhatsApp for a minute or so each day - I'm sure it's to check I haven't killed myself! I just can't even force a smile. I have nightmares nearly every night about him breaking up with me and when he left, my mind is overthinking the WhatsApp activity and him appearing to check up on me. On Christmas Day I sent a video message in the style of the Love Actually cue cards, telling him that I'll always be there for him, he didn't reply. But went on WhatsApp again. I wish he would just text, he doesn't drunk call, he doesn't text. So I know he's over it and I wish to God I could feel the same.

For the past four days each day I've just drove and drove usually on a 75 mile round trip to be on my own and get some space. Yesterday I saw a guy trying to jump from a motorway bridge and realised someone always feels worse. I'm seeing my counsellor on Monday so hopefully it'll help but I just feel like I need to get all of this out...typing on here helps. I just want to be over it like he is. It hurts so much.

Apologies for the long post.

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WhatsGoingOnEh · 27/12/2014 09:46

He doesn't mess with emotions? I thought you said you'd split up countless times before and he was the boy who cried wolf with breakups? I thought you said he dumped his 5-year GF without a backwards glance? I thought you said he called you controlling for wanting to spend time together?

Come on. Stop rewriting history.

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WhatsGoingOnEh · 27/12/2014 09:49

Have you read any break-up books? "don't call that man" is awesome.

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tethersend · 27/12/2014 09:49

OP, I had a relationship like this, and it ending was the best thing that ever happened to me.

We broke up every six months or so, as he would find fault with my behaviour and punish me by withdrawing, making me beg and plead to get back together.

We never went on holiday or out for a meal as I couldn't afford to pay half (he had thousands in the bank).

He would regularly tell me stories of how he had cut people out of his life; I now realise that this was to keep me on my toes.

"then he changed and became a shadow of the person I fell in love with because he says I pushed him too far with demands and wanting time together. And the holiday of course."

He would have changed regardless of your behaviour, as that is who he is. His mask slipped over time.

He was always going to walk away and freeze you out at some point.

You're in a mess because he's made you like this, always blaming yourself and 'trying harder'.

This, although it doesn't feel like it now, is a lucky escape.

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tethersend · 27/12/2014 09:52

"He's not a bad guy, it's me that's being an idiot for refusing to let it go."

You're not an idiot for having feelings which can't be turned off like a tap. Someone who can do that is scary.

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LumpySpacedPrincess · 27/12/2014 09:58

i remember when you posted about this man whilst you were in the midst of all this. The consensus was that he was a controlling git and you were better of without him.

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YouAreMyRain · 27/12/2014 10:14

I am very suspicious about him repeatedly contacting you about the landlord. You said yourself that you don't understand why the LL is only contacting him. I would be tempted to contact the LL myself to see what's going on because it sounds like your ex is dragging things out and finding excuses to contact you so he can maintain the drama and keep you thinking about him to stop you moving on. Honestly he sounds awful and I am glad that you are gradually realising that.

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anothernumberone · 27/12/2014 10:49

I am so sorry you are so upset op. It is horrible coming out of a long term relationship. I had a boyfriend whom I loved very deeply years back, he was my first love. We broke up for a month because he wasn't ready for such a serious relationship and I dared to kiss another guy, no more than a kiss. Before we got back together i told him about the kiss, well on and off for the rest of the relationship I had to hear about him not being able to trust me and about breaking his heart and never being able to trust anyone again and on and on and on. This came up in rows for the next 4 years we went out. WHAT WAS I THINKING.

Someone up thread put it very well this is self indulgent crap and has no place in a relationship built on valuing the other person. You made a mistake, you owned it, you do not need to keep hearing about it. Could the holiday have been cancelled? Could he get his money back? If so I think he sounds like he needs an excuse to break up where he is the victim in the situation. Do not do what I did and listen to this tripe for years to come, go completely NC and if there is future contact do not allow the subject to be discussed again. Forgive yourself and allow yourself to heal.

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officeworker · 27/12/2014 11:16

The holiday was cancelled and he did get his money back - less the deposit which I paid him back straight away. This morning has been ok, my four year old cousin has been to visit and cheered things up a bit. I just feel so terribly lonely, like something is missing all the time.

I can guarantee he won't be in touch, so he won't continue it for years to come. He'll meet someone new who will make him happy and give him what he wants really! I don't wish him anything bad at all, and he said the same to be its just we disagreed on massive things to do with a relationship and that's why we broke up really.

Hopefully today will be fun! We'll see, I'm just trying to take each day at a time. I've noticed over the past few weeks I check my phone less and less and dont expect messages as much. It's just hard going from seeing this person constantly to nothing, he walked out to go to work one morning and was normal and I've never seen him since!

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tethersend · 27/12/2014 12:41

You've definitely got through the worst of it already.

One thing struck me- as evidence of his niceness, you said that when he found out about the lack of your holiday funds, he offered to go somewhere cheaper.

Offering to go somewhere cheaper really isn't that nice.

Offering to pay for the holiday would have been nice.

I suspect that, over the course of the relationship, he managed to get you to be very grateful for small things that other people in relationships do as a matter of course. Withdrawing emotionally and then throwing you some crumbs of affection. All conjecture based on my own experience of course, but I think it's important that you know that a future relationship is likely to make you much, much happier than this one.

"He'll meet someone new who will make him happy and give him what he wants really!"

He will. And then he will do exactly the same thing to her, because that is who he is.

You will meet someone new who will make you happy and give you what you want- and what you deserve. And it will be easy. And you won't have to lie about paying for holidays.

Onwards and upwards Smile

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ButchCassidy · 27/12/2014 12:55

I had an ex ptnr who sounds very like yours.
It was only after a few months of being rid of him that I saw what a nasty manipulative fecker he was.


I realised further what a waste of time he was when I met DH who makes me feel loved and is my best friend.


It felt like my world had ended and I felt lost and alone and needy. But you will heal and met someone who is worthy of you.

I remember days chain smoking and listening to Toni Braxton on repeat and I thought I would never be happy again. But I was and you will too.

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Vivacia · 27/12/2014 13:13

This has been going on for weeks now, I think that it's reaching the stage of needing to see a doctor.

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Vivacia · 27/12/2014 13:13

I think you're being self-indulgent (aren't we all after a break-up?) but the extent of this is unhealthy.

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anothernumberone · 27/12/2014 13:18

Sorry OP just to be clear I think he is being self indulgent in this need to blame you and frame a whole issue around it being your fault. You are grieving that is not self indulgent that is grieving totally different sorry if I sounded like a bitch above I was not clear.

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Vivacia · 27/12/2014 13:44

Heh.

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Cantbelievethisishappening · 27/12/2014 13:45

When we were together and I asked if he liked me towards the end
How long were you together?
This seems to be a rather odd question to ask someone you are living with.
IMO your posts tend to come across as somewhat dramatic and angst ridden. I am now wondering about your role/behaviour in all of this. Is it possible you may need to look inward?

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cafesociety · 27/12/2014 13:53

He sounds obsessed with money. No good comes of being with someone like that. He sounds cold, you aren't going to change that.

I think you could be turning a corner whilst being on this thread. I hope so. Every day try and do something nice, appreciate something, do something different, think of some future goal. He will go into the recesses of your mind as you get busier and make plans.

And the next one he is with will get the same treatment as you have, I can almost guarantee it. He's slippery and dishonest and absolutely loving your devotion. Withdraw it.

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wannabestressfree · 27/12/2014 14:12

I am with vivacia sorry. If you took a step back you would seem him for what he truly is and trust me it's non of the things you describe. Your self esteem is in the toilet!
Don't contact him, speak to the landlord and get on with your life. If you can't do that get some help,

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Slutbucket · 27/12/2014 14:20

I think you have completely romanticised this person in your head but written down he sounds cold and mean. You should have been able to tell him your worries about money for the holiday. It could have been solved he just didn't want to solve it.

You need to shake yourself out of this he is not worth this emotional energy. You are better than this and whilst your skulking about you are not letting yourself be open to all possibilities. I agree that maybe you need to talk to your GP about this.

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officeworker · 27/12/2014 14:52

Vivacia - Obviously you need me to address you trying to bring me back down again, making me feel my behaviour is terrible and it's all my fault.

I know it is my fault, I know I romanticised everything, I know that he's not the greatest person in the world, but then again neither am I. What I came here for is some hand holding that for whatever my head has decided is a particularly bad time of year for me. Do I need to be told I sound self indulgent when I already know I am? No, I don't. I came here to be able to write down my feelings after the past few days and realise that there is a way forward and that I have made mistakes and can hopefully move on one day.

I shall bow out of this thread now, thank you for everyone's constructive comments, they have helped an awful lot for me to see things for what they actually were by writing them down.

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Cantbelievethisishappening · 27/12/2014 15:01

Vivacia - Obviously you need me to address you trying to bring me back down again, making me feel my behaviour is terrible and it's all my fault.

Oh FFS.... that is not what she was implying at all. Likewise, if you post on an internet forum then you will get a variety of responses, some of which may be hard to read. If you didn't want any input why were you responding to comments all the way through the thread? People have taken the time to post their thoughts and advice based on what YOU have posted. I am sorry you are having a hard time but please do stop with all the woe is me drama. You have been given some really good advice both now and in the past. Either act on it or don't but don't start ripping people because they have responded to you in a way that you don't like.

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officeworker · 27/12/2014 15:06

Can you please clarify where Vivacia has been either constructive or helpful?

It's not all woe is me, far from it. Several posters have contributed things which have been hard to read, but very helpful. Being told 'this has been going on for weeks' is neither.

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Vivacia · 27/12/2014 15:18

OP along with many others I supported you on your original thread as well as this one. People have repeatedly pointed out to you that you are not the terrible person, making the unforgivable mistakes, that you constantly paint yourself to be. This continuing misery, to the point that even your family can't deal with, is unhealthy in my opinion. I have suggested the doctor, not to be snide, but because I think your obsessing is not good for you.

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FantasticButtocks · 27/12/2014 15:23

I wonder if it would be a good idea to delete whatsapp app from your phone for a while? Then he can stop looking to see if you're alive and you could stop looking to see if he's looking. And he could stop looking to see if you are looking. It would give the message that you have now moved on and are not waiting to see what, if anything, he will do next.

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wannabestressfree · 27/12/2014 15:35

You are an adult - a grown woman- and you are being manipulated and played by an unpleasant arsehole. Viv is right you do need some help to move on and you do smack a bit of 'drama lama'.

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officeworker · 27/12/2014 15:50

That is what the counsellor is for, to help me move on. Do you guys really think I want this to constantly be the only thing on my mind? To have continuous nightmares, thoughts and just being sat here wishing. When we broke up I lost a huge part of my life, another family, a load of places and sports I did but can't go back as I don't want to run the risk of seeing him there. I'm not just grieving for him, it's a whole life that I'm grieving for.

I use WhatsApp for contacting my friends however I've blocked him today thanks to your advice. First step I suppose.

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