Worst Christmas Ever...wondering if it'll ever get better

[officeworker]

Hello,

I'm following on from my previous threads about my break up with my partner, it's been two and a half months now and I've just gone through the worst Christmas of my life. I know people have it a lot lot worse than I do, but right now I just need a bit of hand holding about how to get through this period of the year.

He left me and our home at the start of November, the tenancy ended at the end of November and we've both moved back home (I'm 30, he's 27). The reason for our breakup is mainly because I betrayed his trust, lying about something irrelevant, if I'd have told the truth in the first place it'd have been fine, but to him once the trust is broken then that's it, you can't get it back. I'd been trying my hardest to show I'm a good person for three months afterwards, but he just decided he'd had enough and left.

So since we moved out we've had periods of not talking, which going from speaking all the time to nothing has been awful for me. Since the tenancy ended he's been on WhatsApp, sending me messages about the final rent payment. Sometimes I get upset and am really just pleading back to him, other times I try to be as hard as I possibly can. It transpired he'd blocked my phone number (I didn't realise) and that was why he was using WhatsApp. He only goes on it to message me. On Monday, we had another discussion about the landlord, which went into another who was at fault for our breakup. I told him I knew I was, that I have to live with that guilt every single day and that I hope he meets someone who makes him happy as much as that hurts. He replied with a message saying he'd had the most fun with me that he's ever had with another person. That's the last I've heard from him.

Now that it's Christmas I've been distraught, I've cried every single day and pretty much ruined my families Christmas by being so miserable. I miss him all the time. I didn't message him at all, he goes on WhatsApp for a minute or so each day - I'm sure it's to check I haven't killed myself! I just can't even force a smile. I have nightmares nearly every night about him breaking up with me and when he left, my mind is overthinking the WhatsApp activity and him appearing to check up on me. On Christmas Day I sent a video message in the style of the Love Actually cue cards, telling him that I'll always be there for him, he didn't reply. But went on WhatsApp again. I wish he would just text, he doesn't drunk call, he doesn't text. So I know he's over it and I wish to God I could feel the same.

For the past four days each day I've just drove and drove usually on a 75 mile round trip to be on my own and get some space. Yesterday I saw a guy trying to jump from a motorway bridge and realised someone always feels worse. I'm seeing my counsellor on Monday so hopefully it'll help but I just feel like I need to get all of this out...typing on here helps. I just want to be over it like he is. It hurts so much.

Apologies for the long post.

[saintlyjimjams]

Honestly? Just ignore him. He sounds very tiresome - don't bother arguing with him. He can say what he likes - doesn't make it true.

[Fairylea]

Do you owe him some money then re the flat? I'd beg steal and borrow any which way I could to get rid of the debt and then you don't need to have any more contact with him (I paid my ex £20k to basically get him to fuck off, people thought I was mad but it was worth it for the peace - I remortgaged to do it).

He doesn't sound very nice op. He sounds bullying and controlling. You don't want someone like that even if he did change his mind. Life throws up all sorts of obstacles, you want someone caring and understanding who will always listen to you and is forgiving. Not someone who is angry and holds grudges over bloody holiday deposits.

[Whoknew2014]

I've recently been reading about attachment theory in relationships and your situation seems very similar to one I've been in. It sounds as though he has an avoidant attachment style and you wanted more than he could give you, you may be a bit anxious, becoming a bit needy the more you could feel him slipping away. Avoidants - from what I've read - blame others, anxious types blame ourselves. You're taking full responsibility for it ending but really your fib was minor. He's happy to key you take the blame bc it absolves him but in reality he wanted out.

It's almost impossible to have a good relationship with avoidants ... if you can, you need to move forward and try to find someone who makes you feel secure. Avoidant-anxious relationships can be roller coasters and highly addictive.

But in the meantime, , look after yourself while you move forward.

[elsabelle]

Oh OP, so sorry youre so sad and going through this. My ExP left me totally out of the blue for someone else 4 months ago and its been an awful time, but i am definitely better than i was, so keep the faith - you WILL get through this.

One thing that jumps out at me about this situation. His inability to show you any empathy / compassion is quite shocking. As a PP said, you didnt lie about an affair or something awful, it was an optimistic white lie about hoping to have enough money which when it came to it you didnt have. His reaction is cold and very harsh. Would you want to spend your life with a man who is so devoid of empathy, understanding and compassion? What if you had a disabled child together, or what if you developed a serious illness, is he really the kind of life partner who would cherish, love and support you?? As painful as it is, I think you have dodged a bullet here. H sounds like a selfish .

Sending you lots of love. Take care if yourself and spend time with those who love you unconditionally, they will help you heal xxxxx

[DoubleValiumLattePlease]

He's making fake demands of you that cannot be met because - well - they're unquantifiable, unreasonable and unattainable. You sound intelligent OP so I don't think you'll have any trouble understanding all the wise advice you're getting from posters.
Please don't beg him. Just imagine if he came back to you because of your begging - for the rest of the relationship you'd know he was only there because you BEGGED. Don't do it. You are worth so much more than this.
You must stop texting him and if I were you I'd ditch Whatsapp too. Cut every link - every little thing you can look at and connect to him. The Royal Mail still offers a great service. Let him write to you when the rent thing is settle. He can write, once, and you can reply, once, with everything he needs and then make it really truly over. Because, you know, it is.

[officeworker]

I don't owe him any money no, although when we broke up he kept making an issue of the fact he paid for the food shopping a few more times than I did. And speaking to you all now, I see a relationship shouldn't be like that arguing over money, we, or more he should've been more supportive and caring about it all. Not switched off.

His favourite line to use is that he loved me uncontrollably but I turned his heart to stone and he just switched off as that's his way of dealing with it now. I've seen the look in his eyes when I know he's switched off, and usually it'll come back in a couple of hours but this time it's permanent.

I guess I was tired of being called needy, narcissistic, jealous and controlling just for wanting the things any girlfriend would want. Some attention and being spoiled and being put first like the beginning stages of our relationship. I'm really sad about it ending, and I do feel so much better for my opinions being validated on here that I'm not the bad person I'm being made out to be either by him. I can only imagine what he's told his family.

Some things stuck out from the counselling that the woman said. She said I physically cringed talking about the outer circle of his family, his Mum, Dad and Sister I talked about with such warmth and passion like they were my own. She said how poignant it was when I spoke of my sisters wedding I was visibly upset, everything else I was fine talking about. Also that I need time to grieve as it's like a death, this person is a half hour drive away and I can't see him or talk to him. It's like he's gone forever.

[officeworker]

I don't beg for him to come back, I do try and ask for answers which he never gives me and just skirts around them. I haven't spoke to him for weeks, we only message about that. We're as much NC as it's going to get, I want it to be amicable and so did he apparently. When he sat there crying his eyes out kissing me the day he was supposed to leave the flat and didn't end up moving out.

He's changed, and not for the better.

[DoubleValiumLattePlease]

Officeworker - stop asking for answers. You might find that hard because you want answers but this is, frankly, a nonsensical situation. You can ask forever and a day but you won't get answers because for him to give them he'd have to reveal that he's a controlling shallow arsed twat - and he's not likely to do that is he?
It hurts right now - of course it does - but I'm willing to bet that in 6 months, a year, whatever - you'll look back and give thanks that he ended it before he broke you. The more you say about him the more horrible he sounds and I know it's facile to say 'you've had a lucky escape' but trust me, trust us - you really have.

[elsabelle]

He sounds like the narcissistic one to me! No empathy and very selfish. You sound lovely OP. You will get through this, youre right in the middle of it all now so i know its hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel but i promise there is one and you will get there. He, on the other hand, sounds unlikely to ever be able to hold down a loving, committed relationship.

[Slutbucket]

I had a relationship like this and he sounds like my ex. We had a great time but thrived off the drama. I wasted far too much time on him. When I drew a line in the sand and cut contact I was happier and I met my husband. I'm wondering why you felt you had to lie about the holiday money?

[officeworker]

The reason I lied is because he's so together - all his finances are in perfect order and mine simply weren't. After I'd paid the rent, for my car and then petrol for the month I had enough to get by but nowhere near enough to pay for this holiday.

The role I was in, I get a quarterly bonus based on my performance but decided to change jobs two months into that quarter. If I'd have stayed at that job I'd have been able to pay for it and he'd have been none the wiser, but I didn't, I moved and ended up in this mess. I kept telling him I'd sorted it, it was the banks fault blah blah. He even came in from work and saw me sat on the floor in the corner crying my eyes out and asked me what was wrong and I couldn't tell him as he'd have gone crazy. In the end I confessed to him, and the first thing he said was we'd go somewhere cheaper it wasn't a problem. By the afternoon when I was looking at other holidays he then said that he'd lost all trust in me basically.

[Vivacia]

Of course it can be more NC, you could not send him Love Actually-inspired videos!

[ButchCassidy]

He sounds cruel.
Take time to grieve and take time to heal.

[GoodKingQuintless]

Op, you are not a liar, you just miscalculated how much you would be able to save. This is not a lie, it is a mistake. He is twisting it because he wanted a reason to end it. Therefore, he is a shit, which is confirmed by his weekend choices, you are well rid!

Next time he messages you please just reply " I will leave this in your capable hands, I am done and want nothing more to do with you, landlord or the flat, good bye."

[HoHonutty]

He sounds like a total dick. Thank your lucky stars and move on.

[carlywurly]

I've read this with these expressions.
I'm sorry, I think you've had such a lucky escape. There are red flags all over this for potential emotional abuse and a load of fuckwittery.

He sounds an absolutely horrible person. The holiday was a minor incident, if his heart turned to stone over that, he's a bloody energy sapping drama queen.

Do whatever it takes to move on, I think one day you will look back and shudder at this.

[carlywurly]

And the expression in his eyes business that takes 2 hrs to disappear is just freaky. Run for the bloody hills.

[TaliZorahVasNormandy]

He sounds like an emotional vampire who feeds on you for his emotional satisfaction. The holiday thing is bullshit, it was just a blip he used to checkout of your relationship guilt free.

[Hissy]

you posted about this before, right?

I said to you then that he was a dick and you were well shot of him.

please stop torturing yourself, what is done is done and you've dodged a bullet here.

this is a blip in your life, not the end of everything.

[ButchCassidy]

Hope you are ok today OP.
Not matter how awful it feels now you will feel happy again and you will get over him.

[CuriouSir]

It's not crazy or awful to want total honesty in a relationship, it sounds like he may have been hurt like his before, hence the all or nothing reaction. Hope you feel better soon, take care. Take the time to focus on yourself and get rid of the debt and contact as soon as possible.

[officeworker]

It's been another night of nightmares unfortunately. I have the same dreams every night really relating to the day we broke up, or things about our relationship. I wake up thinking he's there and ready to give me a hug like every time I told him about a nightmare, and he's not and then I just start crying again.

I don't want to face people today, I just want to hide away in this room. If we'd have still been together we'd have been going away today for a few days as part of his Christmas gift (he doesn't know that).

To me it feels like the end of everything, we are so similar in so many aspects of life, but then he changed and became a shadow of the person I fell in love with because he says I pushed him too far with demands and wanting time together. And the holiday of course. Nobody has done this before to him either, his last girlfriend he was with for five years he did exactly the same as he did to me with, broke up with and then didn't contact them ever again. He used to say that would never happen with us and look at it now, another day where I can't even get the energy to say hello to anyone.

[WhatsGoingOnEh]

Come on. You're letting him blame you for everything when in reality, he's a selfish weirdo and you really didn't do anything wrong.

He doesn't care any more. Your video and questions are giving him a huge ego boost that he doesn't deserve. You are making yourself into a laughing stock.

Throw away his t-shirt. It'll have his scent on it which will keep you attached to him. Delete WhatsApp. If you don't owe him rent money, you have no reason to keep in touch.

I know it sounds weird but when you finally accept this relationship is over, totally, for good, and stop hoping, you will be able to move forwards. Hope is keeping you trapped.

If you've broken up a lot of times before, that's a huge red flag. I think he's not that into you but likes how easily he can yank your emotions around like a puppet. It amuses him.

Honestly, you can recover from this far more quickly and easily than you think. But you MUST throw away all his clothes, and never contact him again.

[officeworker]

I am a laughing stock, I know that. My friends don't know what to say to me and my family really just seem to have given up on it. They know when I want to talk and when I don't and they're happy to just leave me to it.

I don't touch the t-shirt, it doesn't have any smell other than of the washing machine, I don't even go near that side of the bed. It's my comfort I think in it all knowing that it's there.

I'm not stupid, I know he doesn't love me, I know he's not coming back. And other than a video on Christmas day the last time we text was five days ago about the landlord, so people who think I'm constantly texting and begging, I'm really not. We barely speak at all.

I think I've portrayed a very unfair picture of him. He's a good person, he doesn't mess with emotions. When we were together and I asked if he liked me towards the end he didn't lie he said he didn't know. He doesn't want me hanging on, he said that he didn't want me being depressed over it! He's not a bad guy, it's me that's being an idiot for refusing to let it go.

[WhatsGoingOnEh]

I feel you're partly using this break up to stop you focusing on your own life. What's happening in YOUR life that you don't want to deal with? Your finances sound messy, wouldn't your time be better spent sorting those out than writing cue-cards to a man who's dumped you?

Sorting your own life will pay you massive dividends. Chasing this idiot will get you nowhere. It won't even win him back, because it's unsexy, unattractive and the opposite of seductive.

And stop sanctifying this awful boyfriend! Please write a list of every nasty thing he ever did or said to you. All the times he chucked you, ignored you, left you out or made you feel small. Don't go, "HE WAS PERFECT!!" because honestly, I've only read a couple of posts about him and I can already tell he's a selfish, self-important, vain and pompous man. Stop putting him up on a pedestal. Yes he might pay his bills on time but that doesn't make him the sodding Pope.