Worst Christmas Ever...wondering if it'll ever get better

[officeworker]

Hello,

I'm following on from my previous threads about my break up with my partner, it's been two and a half months now and I've just gone through the worst Christmas of my life. I know people have it a lot lot worse than I do, but right now I just need a bit of hand holding about how to get through this period of the year.

He left me and our home at the start of November, the tenancy ended at the end of November and we've both moved back home (I'm 30, he's 27). The reason for our breakup is mainly because I betrayed his trust, lying about something irrelevant, if I'd have told the truth in the first place it'd have been fine, but to him once the trust is broken then that's it, you can't get it back. I'd been trying my hardest to show I'm a good person for three months afterwards, but he just decided he'd had enough and left.

So since we moved out we've had periods of not talking, which going from speaking all the time to nothing has been awful for me. Since the tenancy ended he's been on WhatsApp, sending me messages about the final rent payment. Sometimes I get upset and am really just pleading back to him, other times I try to be as hard as I possibly can. It transpired he'd blocked my phone number (I didn't realise) and that was why he was using WhatsApp. He only goes on it to message me. On Monday, we had another discussion about the landlord, which went into another who was at fault for our breakup. I told him I knew I was, that I have to live with that guilt every single day and that I hope he meets someone who makes him happy as much as that hurts. He replied with a message saying he'd had the most fun with me that he's ever had with another person. That's the last I've heard from him.

Now that it's Christmas I've been distraught, I've cried every single day and pretty much ruined my families Christmas by being so miserable. I miss him all the time. I didn't message him at all, he goes on WhatsApp for a minute or so each day - I'm sure it's to check I haven't killed myself! I just can't even force a smile. I have nightmares nearly every night about him breaking up with me and when he left, my mind is overthinking the WhatsApp activity and him appearing to check up on me. On Christmas Day I sent a video message in the style of the Love Actually cue cards, telling him that I'll always be there for him, he didn't reply. But went on WhatsApp again. I wish he would just text, he doesn't drunk call, he doesn't text. So I know he's over it and I wish to God I could feel the same.

For the past four days each day I've just drove and drove usually on a 75 mile round trip to be on my own and get some space. Yesterday I saw a guy trying to jump from a motorway bridge and realised someone always feels worse. I'm seeing my counsellor on Monday so hopefully it'll help but I just feel like I need to get all of this out...typing on here helps. I just want to be over it like he is. It hurts so much.

Apologies for the long post.

[westielover]

I think this one is harder for you to get over because it was him who walked away. Previously it was you so you were in control. No one wants to feel abandoned and particularly where there are so many bad things in a relationship, for him to be the one who walked away leaves you feeling like "how dare you be the one to leave! I should be leaving you!"
For some (me included!) the feeling of being abandoned is greatly traumatic. Even if on paper the relationship was awful and everyone else thinks you should just move on, the fact that he left you will be hard to come to terms with. But in time it will all go away.

[WhatsGoingOnEh]

She won't listen.

[Hissy]

oh and 'everyone' didn't think you were good together.. they either didn't know the half of it, or are just telling you that because you're so obsessed.

you were not good together. you were picked up and dropped at his amusement.

this guy is emotionally manipulative, and that is why it was intense, because it was false.

the truth here - no matter how uncomfortable you find it - is your key.

[Hissy]

I missed the bit about the Tshirt.

wtf are you doing giving that bed space? no wonder you are having nightmares.

you know this situation is silly. this is unreasonable and getting out of hand. you will lose your mind if you don't pull yourself together.

stop stalking him. who gives a fuck whether he's on whatsapp or not.

stop sending him messages, and never ever do that video thing again! that's like auctioning the last shred of dignity on ebay.

he's an arsehole, that had you paying for most things, and he's fucked around with your feelings as a hobby.

you have the power to stop yourself being a laughing stock, so do it.

get up now, go to your bed and get that fucking tshirt and bin it. now. right this minute.

if you can, go out and buy yourself some new bedlinen and make your bed yours.

some on girl, you can do this. you are far to good to be rendered a loon by the likes of this joker!

[saintlyjimjams]

It wasn't incredibly fantastic if you were breaking up and arguing all the time. Relationships don't have to be incredibly intense to be good.

And don't give up sports you luke just because you may bump into him - take a break if you ferl it will help, but giving up is just daft.

[officeworker]

Sorry everyone, I've been tied up this afternoon keeping busy so just came back online now.

In answer to as much as I can:

WhatsApp: He doesn't use it, and never did whilst we were together, he goes on it for a couple of minutes and back off again not to be seen again till the next day. So it's very unlikely he's having a conversation as like me you'd be on and off all the time.

Money: There wasn't any history of it at all, I paid my way, probably more than he did for a lot of the time. There was one restaurant we always went to, and I'd always be the one to go to the till and order (Not Nandos!), so I'd pay every single time we went there. Other than that, I paid for most things, I also paid more for our rent than he did all the household bills combined.

And as for everything else, I really do appreciate people saying that I'm acting self indulgent and being petty over losing a family. But these are people I saw every couple of days for over a year, and to lose all contact with them and not speak has been rather hard, it's adjusting to a new way of life again and adapting. I don't feel there's any magical solution other than to like others say fake a smile until you are actually alright again. And just because a relationship was rather young, but incredibly intense and incredibly fantastic for a year of that doesn't mean you should be over it quickly. I had a four year relationship I walked away from and was fine, this one though, because I thought we were really good together, everyone thought so, hurts a lot more now it's ended.

[Neverknowingly]

While I agree with much of what wannabe and Vivacia say, you can't just dismiss a relationship because it only lasted for 15 months. My worst breakup was after a 9 month relationship. 8 year marriage ending - relatively pain free. The difference was the effect the relationship had had on my self esteem.

OP - did you have form for letting him down or being flaky with money? If so then I can understand that he may have been at the end of his tether. if not, then he really is being a disingenuous tool. I've always taken the same approach to relationship breakups which is to keep busy, accept every invitation, fake it til you make it and the occassional hot bath to cry in.

[Slutbucket]

Please please don't stop doing the things you love. You made what I would describe as a forgivable mistake not a break of trust. You haven't done anything wrong so carry on with those hobbies. You may bump into him but this time without your rose tinted specs. It might be just what you need. I saw my ex boyfriend after a few months after a very hard split and I realised he was a bit of a dick. Best therapy I needed decided I wasn't going to waste another second on him. See your counsellor but also see your GP. This is said with kindness I hope you can find a resolution to this.

[JaceyBee]

How do you know he's not chatting to other people in whatsapp now?

Anyway, beside the point. You both sound like hard work IMO, and just incompatible. I know it doesn't sound possible now but you will get over this and feel happy again soon. In sure your life was perfectly fine before he came along, you can get back to that. Or if not, spend some time thinking about why not and use the new year as an opportunity to work towards enriching it

[cafesociety]

You sound much too intense, and somewhat obsessive. It is all too dramatic re: losing his family, given you weren't together long.

I hope counselling helps you get things in proportion. And helps you to stop blaming yourself.

There is excellent advice on here. Yes, feel sad but accept you just have to let go...and stop making allowances for him. Life is tough, break ups are heart breaking. We all have to deal with what life chucks at us and accept we often can't and won't get the answers we want.

[wannabestressfree]

Exactly- ten years I would get. Children and a marriage absolutely. 15 months? Nope.
Go back to sports, get on with your life.

[Cantbelievethisishappening]

When we broke up I lost a huge part of my life, another family, a load of places and sports. I'm not just grieving for him, it's a whole life that I'm grieving for.


You were together for 15 months. You are 30 years old. What were you doing before you met him? You said yourself that you were always breaking up and getting back together. You described the r'ship as 'short and stormy'.
Stop wallowing and get back out there. You are allowed to feel sad and down but all the time...day and night? Come on..... you can do this.

[officeworker]

That is what the counsellor is for, to help me move on. Do you guys really think I want this to constantly be the only thing on my mind? To have continuous nightmares, thoughts and just being sat here wishing. When we broke up I lost a huge part of my life, another family, a load of places and sports I did but can't go back as I don't want to run the risk of seeing him there. I'm not just grieving for him, it's a whole life that I'm grieving for.

I use WhatsApp for contacting my friends however I've blocked him today thanks to your advice. First step I suppose.

[wannabestressfree]

You are an adult - a grown woman- and you are being manipulated and played by an unpleasant arsehole. Viv is right you do need some help to move on and you do smack a bit of 'drama lama'.

[FantasticButtocks]

I wonder if it would be a good idea to delete whatsapp app from your phone for a while? Then he can stop looking to see if you're alive and you could stop looking to see if he's looking. And he could stop looking to see if you are looking. It would give the message that you have now moved on and are not waiting to see what, if anything, he will do next.

[Vivacia]

OP along with many others I supported you on your original thread as well as this one. People have repeatedly pointed out to you that you are not the terrible person, making the unforgivable mistakes, that you constantly paint yourself to be. This continuing misery, to the point that even your family can't deal with, is unhealthy in my opinion. I have suggested the doctor, not to be snide, but because I think your obsessing is not good for you.

[officeworker]

Can you please clarify where Vivacia has been either constructive or helpful?

It's not all woe is me, far from it. Several posters have contributed things which have been hard to read, but very helpful. Being told 'this has been going on for weeks' is neither.

[Cantbelievethisishappening]

Vivacia - Obviously you need me to address you trying to bring me back down again, making me feel my behaviour is terrible and it's all my fault.

Oh FFS.... that is not what she was implying at all. Likewise, if you post on an internet forum then you will get a variety of responses, some of which may be hard to read. If you didn't want any input why were you responding to comments all the way through the thread? People have taken the time to post their thoughts and advice based on what YOU have posted. I am sorry you are having a hard time but please do stop with all the woe is me drama. You have been given some really good advice both now and in the past. Either act on it or don't but don't start ripping people because they have responded to you in a way that you don't like.

[officeworker]

Vivacia - Obviously you need me to address you trying to bring me back down again, making me feel my behaviour is terrible and it's all my fault.

I know it is my fault, I know I romanticised everything, I know that he's not the greatest person in the world, but then again neither am I. What I came here for is some hand holding that for whatever my head has decided is a particularly bad time of year for me. Do I need to be told I sound self indulgent when I already know I am? No, I don't. I came here to be able to write down my feelings after the past few days and realise that there is a way forward and that I have made mistakes and can hopefully move on one day.

I shall bow out of this thread now, thank you for everyone's constructive comments, they have helped an awful lot for me to see things for what they actually were by writing them down.

[Slutbucket]

I think you have completely romanticised this person in your head but written down he sounds cold and mean. You should have been able to tell him your worries about money for the holiday. It could have been solved he just didn't want to solve it.

You need to shake yourself out of this he is not worth this emotional energy. You are better than this and whilst your skulking about you are not letting yourself be open to all possibilities. I agree that maybe you need to talk to your GP about this.

[wannabestressfree]

I am with vivacia sorry. If you took a step back you would seem him for what he truly is and trust me it's non of the things you describe. Your self esteem is in the toilet!
Don't contact him, speak to the landlord and get on with your life. If you can't do that get some help,

[cafesociety]

He sounds obsessed with money. No good comes of being with someone like that. He sounds cold, you aren't going to change that.

I think you could be turning a corner whilst being on this thread. I hope so. Every day try and do something nice, appreciate something, do something different, think of some future goal. He will go into the recesses of your mind as you get busier and make plans.

And the next one he is with will get the same treatment as you have, I can almost guarantee it. He's slippery and dishonest and absolutely loving your devotion. Withdraw it.

[Cantbelievethisishappening]

When we were together and I asked if he liked me towards the end
How long were you together?
This seems to be a rather odd question to ask someone you are living with.
IMO your posts tend to come across as somewhat dramatic and angst ridden. I am now wondering about your role/behaviour in all of this. Is it possible you may need to look inward?

[Vivacia]

Heh.

[anothernumberone]

Sorry OP just to be clear I think he is being self indulgent in this need to blame you and frame a whole issue around it being your fault. You are grieving that is not self indulgent that is grieving totally different sorry if I sounded like a bitch above I was not clear.