Is it me? He's chatting to his stalker?

[bigbrownshoes]

In comparison to some of the big problems on here, this question feels a bit juvenile and insignificant but I am genuinely not sure what to do.

I'm mid 30s. My confidence was knocked after coming out of an LTR with a man I thought was wonderful / sweet / honest and beyond reproach only to find out 4 years in that he was a lying, cheating nasty scumbag who ate me up and spat me out. Found out he was on sex dating websites and screwing hookers behind my back. Really bad and I was devastated. I feel really insecure over my judgement with men even though that bad relationship was over 14 months ago and I've had counselling.

I have been seeing a guy for 4 - 5 months who I really like, and who says he really likes me. I can't fault him when we were together although I hear from him that I pushed him away a lot and I know he felt concerned I wasn't over my past BF.

I moved away recently, and I ended the relationship before I felt because although I liked him a lot and would have liked a future, I felt like a long distance relationship wouldn't be the best thing for me.

When I moved, he was lovely to me. Took the day off work to help me get the boxes in the van and loaned me money when things were tight over moving month. He was really kind and lovely and supportive.

I've been gone two weeks and miss him a lot and the more I thought about it the more of a future I started to see with him. He has been messaging every day to say he was sad and down since I left and he missed me. Then he told me he loved me, and he didn't want to lose me.

I was all set to say "ok" and try giving things a go, then he texted me last night with this story about some girl who is apparently younger than me and very attractive who has been stalking him off his old POF profile and came into his work quite a few times to see him and has been calling his work. She's also stalked him on Facebook and told him she'd been viewing his photos and it culminated in her sending him a naked photo of herself.

I'm clearly older, she's a size 8 and I am a size 14 and I clearly feel really insecure about all this. But what really, really annoys me is that he'd actually engaged in conversation with her.

I understand it's not his fault this woman is doing this, but I feel like if he was interested in me in a genuine way and had fallen in love and missed me so much like he said, he'd surely not even have replied to this nutter? Instead he's chatting with her.

He says I am over reacting and it's because of what my ex put me through that I have a jealousy problem, and he also says because I ended the relationship that he was basically free to message people if he wanted to and I can't have my cake and eat it.

I feel really miffed because I was just on the verge of saying "ok" to giving things a go and trying really hard to trust and let go, and he's done this which has made me feel like he's not trustworthy or that bothered about me.

I have lost all perspective...help!!!!

[FolkGirl]

She used prior knowledge about him to make contact witth him doesn't make her a stalker. That's probably quite flattering for him.

The fact he likes it and is encouraging it is what means she isn't stalking him.

She probably thinks she's starting/conducting a relationship with him.

Anyway, he's no longer your problem ;-)

[FolkGirl]

And you only have his word for it that any of tthis has happened how he says it has.

Just forget him now and move on.

[coolaschmoola]

FWIW I think you have done the right thing. But I also see a lot of hurt in his messages to you.

I understand that it is very difficult for you to be with someone, but it is also difficult to be with someone who has been badly hurt previously.

You seem to have expected a lot from him, and he gave it for five months. Then you had to move and you decided to end it. He didn't want that.

Then he tells you that he misses you and tries to convince you to go LD and you think about it. In the meantime he tells you the outcome of something you had previously talked about when you were together and you go off at him then email him all your feelings and end it. To which he replies from a place of hurt yet still saying he misses you.

I appreciate that you have been massively hurt by your ex, but your posts are all about how YOU feel, what YOU need and want from him, and there is little consideration for how he feels, or his needs etc.

It is very hard being with someone who has been badly hurt, it sounds like he has done his best to meet your needs. But I feel that at this point in time and in this situation he can't do enough.

I don't think you have dealt with the horrendous things that your ex did. None of that was your fault, but it sounds like you are asking this man to be better than perfect. No one can be that.

He's human, he's done everything he can, but he isn't perfect. And now he's hurting too. He is allowed to feel that and if you can 'blow up' at him he's allowed to be upset and show it too. Your being hurt so badly before doesn't mean that he can't be hurt by you. It's not top trumps.

I'm really not trying to be horrible, I've been in a similar situation myself, but I really think that because of your ex you put massive expectations on this man and some of them are unfair.

It's very easy to see our own side when we have been badly hurt before, but we also need to see the other person's pov too. He isn't your ex, he didn't do those things to you and he shouldn't be expected to jump through endless hoops to fix them.

I think you have done the right thing to end it, because you need more time to heal, and he is also getting hurt by that process.