Is it me? He's chatting to his stalker?

[bigbrownshoes]

In comparison to some of the big problems on here, this question feels a bit juvenile and insignificant but I am genuinely not sure what to do.

I'm mid 30s. My confidence was knocked after coming out of an LTR with a man I thought was wonderful / sweet / honest and beyond reproach only to find out 4 years in that he was a lying, cheating nasty scumbag who ate me up and spat me out. Found out he was on sex dating websites and screwing hookers behind my back. Really bad and I was devastated. I feel really insecure over my judgement with men even though that bad relationship was over 14 months ago and I've had counselling.

I have been seeing a guy for 4 - 5 months who I really like, and who says he really likes me. I can't fault him when we were together although I hear from him that I pushed him away a lot and I know he felt concerned I wasn't over my past BF.

I moved away recently, and I ended the relationship before I felt because although I liked him a lot and would have liked a future, I felt like a long distance relationship wouldn't be the best thing for me.

When I moved, he was lovely to me. Took the day off work to help me get the boxes in the van and loaned me money when things were tight over moving month. He was really kind and lovely and supportive.

I've been gone two weeks and miss him a lot and the more I thought about it the more of a future I started to see with him. He has been messaging every day to say he was sad and down since I left and he missed me. Then he told me he loved me, and he didn't want to lose me.

I was all set to say "ok" and try giving things a go, then he texted me last night with this story about some girl who is apparently younger than me and very attractive who has been stalking him off his old POF profile and came into his work quite a few times to see him and has been calling his work. She's also stalked him on Facebook and told him she'd been viewing his photos and it culminated in her sending him a naked photo of herself.

I'm clearly older, she's a size 8 and I am a size 14 and I clearly feel really insecure about all this. But what really, really annoys me is that he'd actually engaged in conversation with her.

I understand it's not his fault this woman is doing this, but I feel like if he was interested in me in a genuine way and had fallen in love and missed me so much like he said, he'd surely not even have replied to this nutter? Instead he's chatting with her.

He says I am over reacting and it's because of what my ex put me through that I have a jealousy problem, and he also says because I ended the relationship that he was basically free to message people if he wanted to and I can't have my cake and eat it.

I feel really miffed because I was just on the verge of saying "ok" to giving things a go and trying really hard to trust and let go, and he's done this which has made me feel like he's not trustworthy or that bothered about me.

I have lost all perspective...help!!!!

[Twinklebells]

I think you are way over thinking and analysing this - sorry. A relationship shouldn't be this hard! Honestly, it doesn't have to be this insecure and complicated. All this wondering and asking for opinions. Is he posting about you on message boards telling folk what your emails say and asking them if you like him, etc... He seems to enjoy all these women 'fighting' over him - wonder why that is? Actually I don't wonder at all. Be single, find someone nice and local and uncomplicated - is not rocket science is it. Is all this angst really worth it?

[bigbrownshoes]

Well I was posting as (I said knowing it felt juvenile to do so) because I don't know what is or isn't normal behavior or if I am in the wrong or he is taking the piss a bit.

My previous BF had no angst whatsoever at any point in all the years we were together and he ended up being the worst person imaginable.

[Twinklebells]

I think he is taking the piss a lot quite frankly - maybe that is just me though!

[something2say]

I think you are not over what your ex did to you.
You then moved away from this man.
Now that you are safer, you are ready to have a half and half relationship, where this is something but not everything.
He has got other interests as well as you, because you cannot offer what he wants.

I think you should piss or get off the pot. It's too complicated now and you did leave him after all......

Be single, get your head together and then have the courage to be vulnerable. No one can ever promise you that they won't ever hurt you, but you need to be together enough to take the risk. Your ex cheating was solely his choice and a reflection of him. Tend the wounds and then get back out there.

[bigbrownshoes]

I'm not sure if you've ever been through emotional abuse from someone, but when you do it really screws up your sense of what's normal.

My ex was the perfect / most loving partner for years and my best friend and had proposed and was planning a baby with me, then I found he had been shagging prostitutes and lying to me for virtually the duration of the time I knew him.

When I confronted him he wasn't sorry for remorseful, he told me it was my fault and took my deepest insecurities about myself and gave the to be as reasons as to why he had done what he did.

He badly gaslighted me to the point I actually found myself apologising to HIM for him cheating on me and being a scumbag. I thought I was a strong and sensible woman, but recovery from a total psycho like that who had you trusting and believing in them for so long really messes with your sense of belief in yourself.

I don't feel conviction in any of my thoughts or feelings anymore, and I have had counselling and I am trying to return to normality but it's very difficult. Self doubt creeps into every situation and you forget to know what you think. You start believing other people's thoughts.

That's the short version, but I'm not one of those women who wants a bad boy or someone who'd be messing me around. I want the opposite but find it hard to tell the diferrence anymore, which was why I asked here knowing I'd get more wisdom than I feel I have.

I don't want to take any crap off a man, but also don;t want to throw away a good one becaue of something someone else did to me IYSWIM.

[Twinklebells]

Yep - I have been through abuse. And yep it does skew things. Have you ever heard of the Freedom Programme?

I used to blame my insecurities about my ex on what had happened to me in a previous violent relationship. It took a while for me to realise my recent ex was also an abuser. Just in a different guise.

[something2say]

Relationships need chemistry and timing. In this case, maybe it's the timing of it. And yes sadly, maybe he will find love elsewhere while you get yourself sorted. He is not the only man in the world however, and you have just upped and moved a distance from him, which is a big message....

I'd say you are not in the right head space if you cannot believe or trust in yourself. Maybe highlighted by your behaviour here, giving him mixed signals because you're not ready....

I'd advise just taking time, you'll be alright.

[bigbrownshoes]

The ex before my last ex was overtly abusive. Screamed at me, intimidated me, financially abused me, pushes me up against walls, grabbed me by the neck.

I was single for 6 years after that, and really took my time to recover and pick a really gentle, sweet guy.

He pretended to be the most wonderful man for several year and he screwed with my head far more than the other one ever did.

I'd father rather he'd overtly hit me than the way he gently and slowly broke me down psychologically in a way I never even knew what was happening.

I don't want to spend another 6 years recovering or waste anymore of my life but I genuinely sit there and DO NOT KNOW if I am being a complete over-sensitive, over-demanding idiot making a fuss over nothing OR if the man is treating me badly.

[Twinklebells]

If you are upset you are - why do you need to justify it?

[bigbrownshoes]

I think you, Officer, just said what I have been trying to express throughout this post.

Why come to a person who's clearly been through hell and pursue a relationship (quite relentlessly) and invest so much time and energy into drawing them into your confidence, and support them in their leaving, and say you miss and love them only to slip in your messaging some naked girl?

It seems like a mind game to me.

Or monumental insensitivity.

[something2say]

I wasn't advising her to be more vulnerable. I was saying, get herself together and then get out there again when she is ready. But that an element of vulnerability is always there, while we suss people out....I don't think she is ready for that yet. I think the abusive exes are in the way. That's a different sort of vulnerability.

[bigbrownshoes]

Well okay, I just sent him an email saying I felt it was best to go with the original plan and end things. I just said I clearly had some insecurity issues that wouldn't gel well with a long distance relationship and that I thought it was best to reduce contact instead of texting constantly.

I do agree it's best in the long run. We're arguing after two weeks!

[JollyJingle]

I agree it's the right thing to do on all levels.

If he is messing you around, it's right
If he is genuine but doesn't have the degree of sensitivity you need at the moment, it's right.
If he is genuine but the LDR side of it is going to get in the way and make you more insecure and unhappy, then it's right.
If you yourself have such deep insecurities that you need constant reassurance and constantly question the relationship causing the other person to be unhappy, it is the right thing to do for both of you.

As for the naked pics, I think people do this without much encouragement. My friend had a stalker who sent a naked pictures. I don't think it's that uncommon in younger girls.

Starting a new relationship is like diving into shark infested waters. You may get to the beautiful desert island or you may get eaten. It's a risk everyone takes but when you've been bitten by a couple of sharks you are understandably frightened to put your toe in the water

[Edderkoppen]

agree with sanityclause.. it's a tactic

[Edderkoppen]

agree with sanityclause.. it's a tactic

[Nomama]

Who cares what he was doing?

Frankly if bigbrownshoes feels it/he is not right then she is right to pull the plug and ignore him. Good Guy, Bad Guy? Who knows? It isn't important as he is definitely the Wrong Guy at this moment in time.

All you have to do now, bigbrownshoes is let it go, park him under the label "Not important" and get on with getting yourself back on an even keel.

Better luck in 2015 xx

[bigbrownshoes]

Thanks Nomama, well, anyway, my alarm bells were obviously right.

I sent him a message, which said how I felt, how it had made me feel that he was messaging that girl at the same time as telling me he missed and loved me, how I thought it was insensitive and how I did care a lot about him and had wanted to pursue a continuing relationship that I didn't think it would work given that this was happening less than two weeks after I left.

Was quite hard for me to open up about how I felt, but I did it.

I got a reply back saying "Thanks for the emotional essay. You told me it was a clean slate for you when you moved away so you set the scene for this. You read wayyyyyyyy to much into things. If you wade through the drivel you've just written I'm still the same person who misses you" then he went to sleep.

So it was basically saying he doesn't give a shit if what he did made me feel bad or pushed me away, and he called my feelings and thoughts "drivel".

What a dick.

Clearly I am less appealing now there's a younger, prettier model stalking him.

Anyway, after that I just sent a short reply saying it was a shame he'd fought so hard to get me to let him into my life if he had no intention of making any effort to stay in it and then blocked him.

I seem to have this incredible ability to attract people who pretend with the most huge amount of effort to care about me when they actually could not care less.

[Nomama]

STOP!

Just STOP!

He may have a point, he may not. YOU need to stop giving him any head space. If you continue to contact him, demanding he gives you whatever it is you need, he will continue to fail and you will continue to be pissed off and to doubt yourself.

He has no power here, you are investing him with all sorts of thoughts, actions, abilities, powers that he simply does not have (and probably has no idea you are investing him with).

The problem is yours! You are over invested and not thinking straight. STOP. NOW!

No more contact. No last words. Nothing. STOP.

Look after yourself, and stop beating yourself up like this.

[FolkGirl]

1. she's not stalking him. Don't be so disparaging about a woman who is probably feeling just as confused (or will at some point!) as you are.
   
   
2. well done for blocking him! :-)
   
   
3. I'm coming to realise that we all attract these people, the people who don't get affected by them ae the people who dump at the first sign of dickishness rather than try to rationalise it.

[bigbrownshoes]

FolkGirl....he calls her his stalker. It's not a phrase I coined.

But he is dumped, and blocked.

[bigbrownshoes]

And also, not being one to disparage, but if a person chatted to me on POF and I told them my first name and where I worked and several months later they started showing up at my work asking for me, posing as a customer, ringing my office and then found me on Facebook, browsed my photos and sent me unsolicited messages, I would consider that stalking.

That's not me being disparaging because I'm not like that. I think that actually is stalking, and the fact that he appears to like and encourage it is just worrying.

[Twinklebells]

All this drama - I dunno why you sent him such a essay. A simple 'it's over' would have sufficed. And going on about the other woman - well he should have just told her no and then it wouldn't have been an issue.

You need to stop pouring your energy into him and his life and start looking forward to your own without him in it. And tighten up your Facebook so nobody can even click on your profile pic. Why on earth you would have any photos public is beyond me.