Is it me? He's chatting to his stalker?

[bigbrownshoes]

In comparison to some of the big problems on here, this question feels a bit juvenile and insignificant but I am genuinely not sure what to do.

I'm mid 30s. My confidence was knocked after coming out of an LTR with a man I thought was wonderful / sweet / honest and beyond reproach only to find out 4 years in that he was a lying, cheating nasty scumbag who ate me up and spat me out. Found out he was on sex dating websites and screwing hookers behind my back. Really bad and I was devastated. I feel really insecure over my judgement with men even though that bad relationship was over 14 months ago and I've had counselling.

I have been seeing a guy for 4 - 5 months who I really like, and who says he really likes me. I can't fault him when we were together although I hear from him that I pushed him away a lot and I know he felt concerned I wasn't over my past BF.

I moved away recently, and I ended the relationship before I felt because although I liked him a lot and would have liked a future, I felt like a long distance relationship wouldn't be the best thing for me.

When I moved, he was lovely to me. Took the day off work to help me get the boxes in the van and loaned me money when things were tight over moving month. He was really kind and lovely and supportive.

I've been gone two weeks and miss him a lot and the more I thought about it the more of a future I started to see with him. He has been messaging every day to say he was sad and down since I left and he missed me. Then he told me he loved me, and he didn't want to lose me.

I was all set to say "ok" and try giving things a go, then he texted me last night with this story about some girl who is apparently younger than me and very attractive who has been stalking him off his old POF profile and came into his work quite a few times to see him and has been calling his work. She's also stalked him on Facebook and told him she'd been viewing his photos and it culminated in her sending him a naked photo of herself.

I'm clearly older, she's a size 8 and I am a size 14 and I clearly feel really insecure about all this. But what really, really annoys me is that he'd actually engaged in conversation with her.

I understand it's not his fault this woman is doing this, but I feel like if he was interested in me in a genuine way and had fallen in love and missed me so much like he said, he'd surely not even have replied to this nutter? Instead he's chatting with her.

He says I am over reacting and it's because of what my ex put me through that I have a jealousy problem, and he also says because I ended the relationship that he was basically free to message people if he wanted to and I can't have my cake and eat it.

I feel really miffed because I was just on the verge of saying "ok" to giving things a go and trying really hard to trust and let go, and he's done this which has made me feel like he's not trustworthy or that bothered about me.

I have lost all perspective...help!!!!

[JollyJingle]

You ended the relationship and moved away.

He's free to see who he likes. He had feelings for you which you made clear were not reciprocated.

Do you expect him to sit at the other side of the country waiting for you to possibly change your mind forever? I think your message to him in moving away was crystal clear and he is just moving on.

[bigbrownshoes]

Thanks all. He sent me an email that I can't really understand. I'm.mostly annoyed that he's doing the chasing and trying to convince me to give us a shot and when I decide to go for it he let's me down and makes me feel a tit

[JollyJingle]

He's tried for 2 weeks to get you to reconsider your decision to end it and leave. Which is a reasonable time in such a short relationship.

I'm really struggling to understand your annoyance when it was you that was showing a lack of interest in continuing the relationship until he showed an interest in another woman.

Maybe he is trying to make you jealous and he seems to have succeeded. Do you want him in a relationship with you or not? It's still not too late to tell him you care and leave him to see if he still feels the same.

[bigbrownshoes]

Because one day we're talking about how we'd make things work, and I am explaining me fears and he's reassuring me and the next day this. It's not me mucking him around

[bigbrownshoes]

And what you said isn't right. I had to leave for family reasons, and I ended the relationship because I thought the distance was too far, not because I wasn't interested. I was just about to tell him I wanted to try and make it work and he did this which is pretty offsetting when you're trying to trust someone.

[JollyJingle]

You didn't make that at all clear then.

One the one hand he has taken it that you ended it or at least understood it that way and doesn't want to be kept dangling while you make up your mind.

Or he is just playing games and being an arse by telling you that you should get back together but at the same time he is accepting texts from this girl knowing it will upset you.

Either way I think just end it and mentally regroup.

[bigbrownshoes]

This what what he said:

The day before all of this, he sent this email:

"I'm missing you heaps. I know we met at a bad time, I know you had to leave, but I want you to know how special you are. You make me laugh, you're caring and hot. Even at your lowest you'e still amazing. I miss my girl. You've had a traumatic time and you've been through so much and I know you had to do this but I still wish you were here. I'm pining for you and I need to stop telling you that. I'll stop messaging these things but i just need to get it out of my system first. Your ex was a disgrace of a human being and I am sorry he caused you so much pain that you find it difficult to trust again. I hate that anyone could cause so much suferring to another person. I want you to take your time to get better and when you're ready, look me up. I miss your smile, your laugh, your cuteness. I didn't think I'd feel this empty. I'm such a miserable bastard now, snapping at everyone. I love you. I just do. It's diferrent with you. Everything is. I know you need to be by yourself but it doesn't change how I feel. You've tried your hardest to push me away since you left but I'd give anything to be with you. I want you with me, all the time."

So I thought about it for the day and came back to him with a message saying I thought I did want to be together, that I thought I did love him, but that I was scared of being hurt and found it hard to trust someone long distance and asking how we'd make it work and he replied with this story......

"She's someone who saw me on POF before I came off. I messaged her because she was wearing a lanyard in her photo from "insert place of work" (he works at the same chain). The message was about 4 lines long between us, where do you work, which branch, blah blah and she'd just split up with her bf. The end. Never heard anything else. She then started to come into the store to say hello and introduce herself but she didn't leave a name or a message. She found me on FB and sent me a message, asked me if I remembered her and I said "yes". She told me she's been in the store 5 times and tried to speak to me but was too shy. I've served her twice and she could tell me what I was wearing. Bit creepy. She told me she's phoned the store twice for me and both days I was off and she left a number. I didn't know who she was so both times I threw the number in the bin. She then says she's stalked my FB page and looked at all my photos for ages. She told me she was going to come into the shop last night to see me and when I said I was off she sent me a random naked picture of herself. She asked me if I had a gf and I said "no" but I was very close to someone who'd just moved away and I was sad and not looking for anything else."

Then obviously I blew up at him over it, just completely disbelieving that the last few days that he has been messaging me that he loves me and wants it to work he's ALSO obviously been messaging with this girl too (and seemingly at the very LEAST curious) and he sent this:

"We always knew this was on the cards, but it's okay to miss someone and to want someone. From the first day we met you were heartbroken over someone else and none of our relationship was normal. You're the one who said you didn't want a relationship because you weren't ready. You're now so angry at me over some random stalker story. I didn't ask her to come into the store! Would you have rather me lied to you and hid it? I told you because it was a weird funny story and you go off on some nonsense about me not being trustworthy and how you'e disappointed in me. I'd not even class the little convo I have had with her as messaging. You have no reason not to trust me but you choose not to. You're emotionally exhausted and have no room for anything good or bad do you? Probably because you fear good will become bad. And if we were a couple, I'd not have entertained talking to her but you moved away and said you needed to be alone and you can't have your cake and eat it. you can't make the rules then change your mind."

Then basically he apologised the next morning and has been messaging as if nothing ever happened. I don't really get what he wants.

I would have thought he if was in love with me and cared about me he'd either:

a) give me the space I asked for, and keep in touch / visit without putting stories of other women chasing him onto me

or

b) fight for me, persevere and show me that the relationship can work long distance and that he can be trusted.

It seems REALLY weird to me to spend a week messaging about how he feels about me and all that stuff only to ruin it all with that story he told me. It seems a bit counter-productive and would only serve to drive me away.

[Twinklebells]

He sounds exhausting. If he was that concerned about her being his 'stalker' he would have made his facebook private and told his employer what she was up to. He is playing games with you and making it your fault - lovely way to play to your insecurities don't you think?

You deserve so much better!

[Nomama]

He sounds exhausted, his last email makes perfect sense. He has supported you but you have always had a barrier up - you acknowledge that yourself. You blew up at him, he says but you left, he wouldn't have passed any comment with her had you still been a couple, but you aren't... you made that decision for both of you...

He is being quite honest with you, as I read it. But maybe you are too emotionally exhausted to be able to cope. Your decision has probably been best for you. Tell him that and cut all ties, or not. It is up to you... sounds like he is hanging around waiting for you to decide!

[JollyJingle]

Maybe because you are emotionally broken at the moment you are seeing things very black and white and your expectations of others are too high. You seem to expect this man to never put a foot wrong, and never to say or do the wrong thing because of your emotional fragility.
I know you had to leave because of family problems and you left this relationship by finishing with him so he is probably in a situation where he doesn't know what you want either.
With the 'stalker' I can only see him being honest with you about a non relationship with another girl who is very keen on him and who he just isn't really interested in. If he was saying I love you to you but starting a relationship with this other girl the last thing he would do was tell you about it. I think it was just silly chat which he should have been a bit more sensitive to your feelings about.
Your relationship was not long and it takes longer than 4-5 months to really stop putting your foot in your mouth in relationships.
You need to get some professional counselling (apologies if you have) for your emotional issues. You can't expect other people to walk on eggshells around you forever. You can expect reasonable sensitivity but you must go some way to healing yourself.
By moving away (I know you had no choice) you've made it harder to build a sensitive relationship because people rely on face to face cues to know when they are saying the wrong thing.
Ultimately it's up to you whether you are going to accept his apologies but on the surface he sounds a caring person, but I can see it will be a very difficult choice for you.

[bigbrownshoes]

Thanks. I have been in counselling since what happened with my ex. It was traumatic and I know it has had an affect on me and I know this is no one else's fault or cross to bear.

I just feel like he has spend all this time trying to convince me, first to go out with him, then to trust him and he is slowly dusting off the cobwebs and bringing me to a place where I was feeling like I could feel that way again and really "let go" and allow myself to feel things and it felt like he slapped me in the face just as I was getting there.

I don't think he's an arsehole or a player, but I do think he is a bit insensitive sometimes and perhaps like he doesn't quite "get me". We've always found electronic communication difficult and get on better face to face.

Bottomline probably is that when I moved away I sort of knew I was still broken and maybe deep down I'm aware that's no place to be in a relationship with anyone and that's what I had told him.

I was just gutted a bit by that first step to trusting someone new ending up being another disappointment. I do feel like he's not interested in this girl, but I do think he's liking the attention and enjoying it a bit. Otherwise why even entertain her? I just can't help finding that really, really offputting.

[JollyJingle]

I think the part of the emails starting 'we always knew this was on the cards....
is what he thinks honestly of the situation, and I can't really blame him. He sounds as though he is being honest, after all would you prefer that he lied to you? He didn't encourage this girl or go out with her, quite the opposite, but it's something you understandably can't cope with

Really I think if you and he continued with this relationship long distance it will fail even though there are two people who (on the surface) could be so right for each other. That's because you have not healed yet. Something this man understands and I think you do too.

Really an unenviable position. 2 options. Go ahead and trust and have this relationship and it goes wrong because of your trust issues, or go separate ways and risk losing what could have been your ideal partnership. I wish there was an option 3, although you could ask him to wait an indefinite period for you.

[bigbrownshoes]

I don't really know what I feel. I suppose I don't trust my instinct anymore because I thought my ex walked on water and he smashed my world apart and I never saw it coming.

I know I had walls up around me with my new BF, and that hurt him and caused him to feel insecure. I know he feels like I don't feel as much for him as he does for me, but I do, I just don't know how to show it really. I don't know how to trust people. I think they have to earn it and I was hoping he'd do that and he let me down.

I think you're right and it would not last long distance. LDR can last only with two very secure people and we're not that, are we?

[JollyJingle]

I think he sounds secure because most women who are secure in a relationship would laugh at the thought of someone so desperate she would send a naked pic (after feeling thoroughly annoyed) and the bf would not expect such a negative reaction for his honesty. He didn't invite her to chase him and he would be dammed it he told you and dammed if he didn't.
It's your insecurity which is the problem and it's not something for him exclusively to 'fix'. It would need both of you and that's incredibly difficult for both of you in the circumstances.
I have no idea whether things would work and in your shoes I would probably let him go rather than ripping myself mentally apart if things didn't work out.

[bigbrownshoes]

Th only thing I have in my head is that he will talk to ANYONE. He's very friendly. Maybe he was just chatting to her out of curiosity and he did think I'd laugh. I hate all this lack of clarity though.

I know he didn't ask her to chase him, but he doesn't have to chat and message back, does he?

It was so easy from day one with my ex, never had any of this but he turned out to be a sociopath or something.

I do know I have to let him go. I didn't expect it to hurt as much as it does though!

[JuanDirection]

most women who are secure in a relationship would laugh at the thought of someone so desperate she would send a naked pic

No they wouldn't.

Jolly, are you actually the (ex)bf?!

[bigbrownshoes]

I can't really get to grips with sending someone a naked photo. SURELY there must have been some sort of flirty convo happenning for it to go there?

I know when I was on POF lot of men sent me photos of their knobs, but I instantly blocked them. I never thought women would do such a thing.

Anyway, I hate being made to feel paranoid like this. Maybe no one "makes" me feel that way, but I suppose this sort of behavior won't help.

[TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge]

No,seriously there are people who do that,I know one for starters! Shudder.

Anyway,the emails portray something completely different to your original posts OP. Totally different so I take back my first reply.

It looks like you asked him about this girl.Is that right? Have you been snooping? why did you ask him?

He hasn't been talking to her/messaging her said such.He just responded to her asking if he was single.

To be fair,I think the issues are your own rather than his and for you to work on.He's very open with you.You need to learn to trust and not fear.

[Twinklebells]

I agree with you - a woman doesn't send a naked pic, or turn up at his work, or phone his work a few times with no encouragement. I mean - he must have spoken to her to tell her his real name, where he works. That isn't often said in one few minutes convo is it. I think your gut is telling you not to trust him - and I agree that you shouldn't. I know I wouldn't.

[dirtybadger]

Just me or is his first email a bit weird? Content and "style"? Hard to put my finger on.

[bigbrownshoes]

No, I didn't ask, but when we were together back before I left he'd mentioned a few times that some mystery woman kept coming into his work and we didn't know who it was. He had asked colleagues for a description and he'd figured it was an old friend from school or something. So no, I hadn't asked about her, he'd just come out with the fact that since I left this woman has tracked him down on facebook and he seemed to at least put across that he'd only told me because he thought I'd laugh.

I can understand him being curious about who it was, but am still baffled over how it ever got to her sending naked photos.

He also seems to incite this in people. He went on one date with some woman before he met me who was constantly coming into his work for the duration of our relationship. She kept saying she was coming in for stuff she needed but he works in a DIY superstore on an industrial estate and I fail to see how anyone needs to go in there 3 or 4 times in a week. He seems to be completely oblivious and argued the point that she was just houseproud. She brought him in one of those coke bottles with his name on it as well. I mean...he seriously didn't seem to grasp that she fancied him.

Yes he has responded as if he was single, which technically he is BUT if he is trying to NOT be single he went about it the wrong way. I think even if I didn't have issues I'd be put off by any man entertaining a convo with an internet weirdo who was behaving like that.

[TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge]

Ok,you just left out the bit where he told you about her then as his email about her,as you've posted, just starts 'She' . How did he start it?

I agree that the way the emails are written is a bit unusual though. I also think what he said to her is not wrong or anything to be suspicious about.He told her he wasn't single but there is somebody he very much cares about.That is enough for most people to back off and take as 'not interested'

[bigbrownshoes]

It started with a few back and forth messages. He wrote he missed me, I said I missed him too. I told him I got a card and present from him in the post and thanked him. I went out to a party and came home and wrote:

"I have been thinking and I do ant to be with you. We really could just try and see. But that said I expect you'll be a nightmare to have a long distance relationship with" (I said this because he works insane retail shift hours as the store manager and often gets home at 1am or worse)

He replied:

"I know. It's going to be tough. I hate missing you. And I hate that I don't see you. But I also know you need to be alone right now"

which is odd because I just said I didn't want to be alone, so not sure if he even read it right!!!

then followed few minutes later with "I never told you BTW I found out who that woman was who was coming into the shop."

And then he told me that story. And I went off on one!