Separated from wife for 4 months, wife is now 4 months pregnant by another man

[greenman99]

To cut a long story short - ish. Just over a year ago I had a conversation with my wife about the complete lack of love or care she had for me. See here for the thread from the time. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1974953-Wife-has-no-interest-in-me-physically

We have been together for almost 12 years, married for 6 and have three children aged 3, 7 and 9. Unfortunately our relationship has deteriorated dramatically over the last 12 months. I wanted to find a solution our problems but she just wanted to run away from it all, which she did and continued to stay out late (till 4am) with a male work colleague once or twice a month. I suggested relationship counselling, she refused. We spent time apart intermittently throughout spring / summer time at her request. She never once said she didn't love me anymore and indicated we just had to be 'nicer' to each other.

We separated formally (again at her request) just before the end of the summer holidays. With each of us spending half the week in the family home with our children. I knew then this was the end of marriage and life as we knew it. After a couple of months she told me she had been on a couple of 'dates' with her work colleague which I knew she had begun a relationship with at least over a year ago.

About a month ago I saw a couple of things which led me to believe she was pregnant, which she then confirmed. A mistake apparently but the only reason she could think of to have an abortion was not to hurt me! Not the effect it would have on our children.

Following the confirmation of her pregnancy I decided to move back into our family home full time as I and the kids needed some stability. And the only reason I moved out because my wife said we needed to spend time apart and deal with the day to day drudgery of life on our own. Which clearly wasn't the case. We have been separated 4 months and she is 4 months pregnant.

I have spoken to a solicitor and will begin divorce proceedings next month. I have also spoken to a mortgage advisor and think I can probably buy my wife out of our house next year also.I had a particularly bad spell (emotionally) when my wife confirmed she was pregnant, however seeing the solicitor and mortgage advisor has helped a bit in knowing practically I can have some control over some parts of my life again.

I have very supportive family & friends who are always there to listen or to help however it's emotionally where I've fallen apart. I still love my wife, you can't just turn that off. Yet as she keeps telling me she “has moved on, people move on”. But the apparently unplanned pregnancy has just blown me away. It seems unreal. I can;t believe this is my life.

My wife believes our children are accepting of what is happening but she is wrong. I spend far more free time with them and they are not coping with this. Let alone what will happen over the next 6 months. They will move into a new rented house with my wife, then within a couple of months the father of the baby will move in and then a new baby will arrive in June! The father of the baby is 40. Has never been married. No kids. Rents a flat. No car.

I am so hurt and broken over the cheating and lying from my wife over the last 18 months but so angry at her about the life she is creating for our children.

Can anyone offer any advice. Has anyone out there been through something similar and made it out the other end?

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that I have no grounds to force my wife to let the children live with me full time for now.

I do absolutely want to provide a home for them, and am (!) but I want my wife to acknowledge that just because she has rented a house it doesn't mean that its best for the kids to just move in 50% of the week immediately.

Will you ever just STOP raging about her being "stupid enough to get pregnant"?
I know you're hurting.
But come on - loads of people get pregnant accidentally and loads of people do not want to abort afterwards.

For crying out bloody loud. His wife is pregnant by another man. Just how magnanimous does he have to be?

Greenman you're on a site predominated by women and I suspect many will empathise with your wife or parts of her story and it might trigger some comments that are less than objective or sympathetic

This sounds shit for you. I think it takes time to get over a relationship breakdown and time to move on. Expecting yourself to suddenly forgive and stop hurting is just unrealistic. You do know that is your goal however so make decisions that help you towards that goal. Fwiw you sound like someone trying to do that.

My personal word of caution is the same as someone earlier...get all of this agreed legally. Your wife is agreeing things at the moment but once the baby is born she could turn everything on its head. The sooner it is agreed, the sooner you can all move on

Legally you can petition for the children to have their primary residence with you. The judge may not grant this, but s/he could. It is entirely legal and given that your wife is the one leaving the marital home and setting up home with another man I'd say you have a chance of getting primary residency.

Morally, well is what she's done moral? She's been having an affair for some time (you estimate a year), and she's leaving the family to set up home with someone else - and have his baby - so its your call on that one. And as you work FT it would require a big change (i.e. you will need some help in place), for you to do it.

I reckon having the kids live with her 50% of the time though will precipitate the breakdown of this new relationship, so you may see that as being a bonus! I can't see how a foot-loose bachelor is suddenly going to settle down and become step-dad to three confused and upset kids, and dad to his first DC all in one go without a hitch, can you? Your STBexW is used to have a bloke who is around and invested in the family and I don't see how she can raise four kids without that support, so you may prefer to stand back and watch the fireworks.

Frontforward - I was just ignoring the previous comment anyway.

What you say makes sense. I know I have to move on. And as my wife says she has already done that as hard as it is for me to accept. Although I would disagree on when that moving actually happened.

As much as is viable I just need to see her as little as possible because it just kills me to see her carrying a baby and youngest son kissing her tummy.

Also is it ok not to want to forgive her?! Is it possible to move on without doing that? I simply don't think she deserves my forgiveness for what she has done to me and our family. Some might say, & have already said, that she did us a favour getting out of an unhappy marriage. I would say she made it unhappy through her actions and then did nothing to deal with this.

Getting everything agreed before she moves out - despite her own legal advice and what I am saying to her she just doesn't want to talk about this. Again she always leaves it up to me to deal with this.

Its so goddam frustrating that she thinks everything will be just ok & all will be fine. The kids will be ok whikst they're changing in front of our eyes!

What a horrible situation of course you are raging about her being pregnant it's such a huge step to have a child together and to find out your wife is not only leaving you but taking this step with the person she is leaving you for.

When my XH left the pain was devastating and having to go through all the stages you do with the DC and the actual divorce I can't imagine having pregnancy to deal with on top.

An earlier PP was right these days it's expected that people "move on" , God I loathe that phrase with all its connotations of failure if you find you can't.

It does sound like you are quite sorted OP and facing things full on and putting your DC first. I'm five years on from divorce and reaping the reward of sticking to the hardest rule I had - maintaining their Dads integrity and image and keeping my thoughts about him and his OW/new life to myself.

However impossible it may feel now you and your DC will come through all this it just takes time to come to terms with everything . The fact you can all have a get together on Christmas Day bodes well for your future I think.

I would explore all the forgiveness things in counselling , it's very early days to need to forgive her. It's very difficult but the focus should be on yourself and how you are going to best survive all this and guide your DC through because she clearly isn't prioritising that.

Its more than Ok to not forgive and people can move on without having to do so. Somethings are unforgivable, you can accept it has all happened and move forward to a different life, but there is no need to forgive you you dont feel the desire to. Your insides will not be pickled in bile - you will be at peace but it doesnt have to come with forgiveness.

Thanks again everyone. It really is helpful to get an outside perspective on these things.

I am loathe to get the courts involved in deciding custody as I think this will make everything worse for all of us. I really just want my wife to understand its not as simple as she thinks, or perhaps says it will be.

Aside from this I really don't think a court would necessarily give me full custody. Not based on what I've been told. Imagine the additional stress & heartache a court hearing would cause for all of us?!

And that s what it come back to at the end of the day - I need both our children and my wife to be as happy and as stable as possible. Everyone's welfare is interlinked.

And whilst I don't really want my wife's new relationship to be a success imagine what that failure will do my children and my wife and her ability to care for them.

I just still can't accept what she done to our lives. Its unbelievable. And so bloody sad for all of us.

I too think it's ok not to forgive, just make sure that the resentment and anger doesn't take hold of your life.

Not forgiving is simply not being able to be friends, or even get back together if things go pear shaped on her side.

I dont agree that not forgiving means not being able to be friends, its just saying it was not ok for you to do that and I will never say it was ok. You can still be in each others lives.

And that s what it come back to at the end of the day - I need both our children and my wife to be as happy and as stable as possible. Everyone's welfare is interlinked.

Please forgive me for being frank, greenman, but as one guy to another you’ve got it wrong and you’re not starring in the next Disney movie. You don’t need your STBX wife to be as happy as she possibly can be. She’s a grown up woman with kids and surely she should be able to take care of herself and her own destiny. She decides if she wants or needs to be happy, not you and it’s a bit presumptious of you to assume this role on her behalf.

What you do need to do is to do as much as you possibly or humanely can is ensure the happiness of your children. In the next 6 months your STBX wife is going to have to cope with a new house, partner, lifestyle and baby. She can possibly be forgiven for not having the welfare of your children in the forefront of her mind during this time.

So forget your own best interests, forget your STBX wife’s, and decide on what is best to get your children through the next 6 - 12 months. I think that they’re going to need to be shielded from the possibility of issues which may happen in their mother’s life in this time, and this isn’t going to happen if they’re contracted to be with her 50% of the time. FWIW I’d say go for majority residence with you, with the children staying with their mother for periods when her life is stable in between the worst of the changes. You may have to fight for this on your children’s behalf. And just because legally you can’t stop something, it doesn’t mean it’s illegal or wrong not to stop it.

careless - the ex's 'happiness' impacts directly on the kids' happiness. OP isn't being disney to recognise that. I wish more men would.

She may blithely sail off into the sunset, assuming everything will work out, OP - maybe it will - but let her. It's hard but you have to put up with it for the sake of the kids. Just keep an eye out - and try not to put your distress and concern on the kids iyswim. ie you are distressed, don't assume they are. I'm not saying you are doing that but be careful you don't. eg they are kissing her pg belly, which kills you, but clearly doesn't kill them iyswim. As hard as it is.

Carelessdad - I know, you're right - its not my job anymore to ensure my wife is happy. In fact she has told me, when I asked, that she wasn't.

She is very good at seeming chipper & happy but I'm not sure how she can be. You quite rightly state its nothing to do with me anymore. However I do still love her, as much as I'd love not to. Not in the sense I expect us to ever be together again. But I can't just turn it off.

We've had 3 children together and I know what she's like when she's pregnant - tired, emotional etc which now she is 40 and in the situation she has created everything will be worse. Its really hard me seeing like her this & not wanting to help, knowing the impact this will have on our children.

But I am trying as hard as I can to put our children first. Putting distance between my wife & I physically is the first step. Then making her understand that they can't just start living with her 50% of the time & everything will be ok. It's just getting her to understand that & hopefully without legal recourse but I will if required.

You could try mediation? A court would require you to do that first anyway I believe. It sounds like your ex would be more likely to engage with discussions about arrangements with a neutral third party in the room.

I wish she would and now would be the time to do it but she is so busy looking for a place to live and spending time with her new boyfriend that she leaves all this sort of stuff to me to sort out.

And she has also been hit with a £500 bill from her solicitor for 2 hours advice so doesn't want to expend more us required. On top if this she has to find money for a new rental etc. This is the problem. She started a new relationship & got pregnant without thinking about how this would all work.

I'm not sure if - but think it is - my comment that you're ignoring about not going on about her being "stupid" for getting pregnant.
Fine, you are of course at liberty to ignore me.

There just seemed to be a lot of "forgive and forget" debate immediately afterwards. So I just want to make it clear that I wasn't suggesting that you forgive. I don't think you have to, to move on. My ideal state is not caring any more, not forgiving.

I had to pick my daughter up from my former marital home today (which I still own a third of) with the surprise of my XH's new girlfriend and her daughter looking out at me all proprietary about MY HOME. Enjoying what should have been MY family Xmas.

She's not the OW (she's probably lovely, I've no bone to pick there, I feel sorry for her as I know he's cheating on her). And I'm 18 months on from chucking him for cheating on me.

But I do sympathise with you. I haven't forgiven him (though I am much closer now to my ideal state of indifference) and I don't see why I should.

I just thing you're picking the wrong insults, that's all. There's plenty of others that I wouldn't suggest you leave off!
I wish you peace by the end of 2015 (hopefully sooner, but realistically it isn't quick).
It DOES get easier.
And you don't have to forgive.
Just keep focusing on your kids.
My friend said to me, you have to actually hope the ex is happy, want them to be, because that is best for your children - and you want the best for them. That's a hard state to reach, and I haven't yet. But I get it, and it really does get easier.
With the occasional hiccup when you know some other woman's child has been out bouncing on the trampoline that YOU bought, that stayed because you have up your massive house for one not big enough for it...
Forgiveness is over rated!
Good luck!

You should which with all your heart that the ex is happy. If she is not she may want to come back to you with all that, that means. Then later she will choose a better time (for her) to leave again.

I think you should ask your children who they prefer to live with and if it's yourself, fight for them as they are going to be put in a bad situation having to live with a man who is not their father and who has no children of his own. I would not risk leaving the upbringing of my children to another man as you have no knowledge of his character (I'd start finding this out though ASAP!) You have been the most loyal to your children so you seem the most trustworthy parent and to have their best interests most at heart. I relate to your pain at the betrayal and feel very sorry for you but your children's well-being should be your main focus now in my opinion.

Why can you not have the children because you work full time? I work full time on my own with two DC. Presumably what you really mean is that despite your separated wife having a simplistic view of life and being stupid enough to get pregnant etc and whatever else, it is still more convenient for her to provide the childcare during the week whilst you work. Which is presumably what she has always done, given that you say she has spent several years either pregnant or breastfeeding (before she was 'stupid enough' to go and get pregnant by someone other than you)?

Absolutely do not involve the children in any discussions/arguments about where they will live! It is an incredibly unfair thing to do as they will be completely conflicted. What they will want is for everyone they love to be together and happy and it's just not possible any more. No one should ever download incredibly difficult decisions onto small children.

I do think that mediation might be a good way to go forward because the OP and his ex-wife need to agree on a plan that will work and that they are both at least OK with. It will be very important for the children that there aren't fights over them and that they have some stability and knowledge of what will happen. That may mean less time with mum in the immediate future as she gets settled, but I don't think the OP would be at all wise to try and fight to have them with him all the time. If the ex chose to contest it she would probably win as the legal system doesn't care who is at fault and tends to preserve the status quo. Things could potentially get much worse.

Time with mum during the week and dad at the weekend is probably a good compromise for now, where the children spend a good amount of time with both parents, which is what they will want as there is no evidence that they don't have a good relationship with their mum.

OP I've read the other thread you linked to in your OP. Your marriage appears to have been over for more than a year. Much more than a year.

I'm sorry your marriage has ended but it isn't stupid of your wife to be pregnant. It's none of your business if it's an accident or a planned pregnancy. She's pregnant, that's her choice. You have to now deal with each other in a scrupulously respectful fashion in order to be decent parents to your children.

Your thread title is positively medieval. Do you want to put her on the village green so we can all point at her?

I can only imagine the pain you must be in - my own situation is pretty dire but having to get your head around a new baby will require tremendous strength on your part - i believe you will get there - it is so good to hear a father concerned about his kids welfare and wanting to do the right thing by them. I too agree they should spend the majority of their time with you - they need some stability in their lives and you are the parent to provide this - yes they should spend time with their mum but i think your situation needs to evolve with the other changes and somehow both of you as parents need to give your kids time to adjust to what is going to hit them and see how they take it. I do not believe that all kids are fine and quite often the repercussions do not actually surface until they are adults themselves.

I too wasnt given the chance for the marriage to be worked on - no warning - nothing - but strongly believe that happiness has to come from within- changing your circumstances may initially feed whatever was missing but eventually the void will reappear. You say you are learning things about yourself throughout all this and in doing so you will find the strength to get through this - your wife isn't learning anything! Keep going with the counselling - it will help - and I know too the frustration of being the one that has to deal with the responsible stuff - despite my DH initiating the split he does nothing to make it easy and seems to have forgotten his previous life of 20 years! Please listen to what some of the posters are saying and get some good legal advice - my DH wanted "everything to just carry on as before" and when I decided not to go with this his behaviour has really made me question who he is even though at every stage I have always prewarned him of what I would do and he has had a choice in how to respond. He is incapable of being reasonable although in his head he thinks he is! As much as I try to keep the kids out of it they pick up on things and all I can do with them is be honest. At some point they will understand and can then make their own interpretation of events - your kids will see that too - they will know by what you say to them and how you behave that you had their best interests at heart.

Been out out of the loop for a while but really appreciate all the constructive advice.

romey roo - I could work full time and look after the kids also but that would involve using before & after school clubs & relatives which I don't want to do. Before we had children my wife and I agreed she would work pt because they would be our children and our responsibility to raise & look after. Obviously other people can choose to do whatever they want however that's not what we wanted to do. So no it's not about convenience at all, it's about being a responsible parent which I don't think my wife is being.

Alpha bravo - ok perhaps not stupid of my wife to accidentally get pregnant. How about irresponsible. How about cruel? Take your pick. In one way you're right it has nothing to do with me but conversely it has everything to do with me because we have 3 children together who WILL be affected by this. Who will have to live with the father of this child within 3 months who they don't even know. Whose mother WILL not be able to provide the care for them that she should because of the life she has created.

Thanks also for pointing out that my marriage has been over for more than a tear. Clearly with hindsight you're right however the reason I'm so hurt by all this is the dishonesty and complete lack of effort on her part to even try and solve our issues. she just lied to me and it's that betrayal that really hurts. I thought I, our chikdren & the life we had built was worth something.

You say the subject header is positively medieval. I would say it's positively accurate. It's the truth. My wife, cos that's who she still is, literally got pregnant a week after we separated. When her baby is born it will have my surname on its little ID bracelet. Would that that not upset you just a little bit?

I don't want people to hate her. I just want people to know the truth. That it isn't as simple as she is telling people.But I do need her to be happy because she needs to be to care for our chikdren. & unfortunately right now I feel far from happy however hard I try.

Cabrinha - there are so many things I want to say to my wife and have so many questions I know will never be answered. I really feel for you having to visit your former home and see the OW there with your daughter. I am determined to keep our house and car - To provide some stability for me and the children.

I just need to try and get through this year. Get divorced, buy the house, be a bit a happier, be a good dad to my children and try to see my wife as little as possible as it just kills me to see her with a baby bump.