Separated from wife for 4 months, wife is now 4 months pregnant by another man

[greenman99]

To cut a long story short - ish. Just over a year ago I had a conversation with my wife about the complete lack of love or care she had for me. See here for the thread from the time. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1974953-Wife-has-no-interest-in-me-physically

We have been together for almost 12 years, married for 6 and have three children aged 3, 7 and 9. Unfortunately our relationship has deteriorated dramatically over the last 12 months. I wanted to find a solution our problems but she just wanted to run away from it all, which she did and continued to stay out late (till 4am) with a male work colleague once or twice a month. I suggested relationship counselling, she refused. We spent time apart intermittently throughout spring / summer time at her request. She never once said she didn't love me anymore and indicated we just had to be 'nicer' to each other.

We separated formally (again at her request) just before the end of the summer holidays. With each of us spending half the week in the family home with our children. I knew then this was the end of marriage and life as we knew it. After a couple of months she told me she had been on a couple of 'dates' with her work colleague which I knew she had begun a relationship with at least over a year ago.

About a month ago I saw a couple of things which led me to believe she was pregnant, which she then confirmed. A mistake apparently but the only reason she could think of to have an abortion was not to hurt me! Not the effect it would have on our children.

Following the confirmation of her pregnancy I decided to move back into our family home full time as I and the kids needed some stability. And the only reason I moved out because my wife said we needed to spend time apart and deal with the day to day drudgery of life on our own. Which clearly wasn't the case. We have been separated 4 months and she is 4 months pregnant.

I have spoken to a solicitor and will begin divorce proceedings next month. I have also spoken to a mortgage advisor and think I can probably buy my wife out of our house next year also.I had a particularly bad spell (emotionally) when my wife confirmed she was pregnant, however seeing the solicitor and mortgage advisor has helped a bit in knowing practically I can have some control over some parts of my life again.

I have very supportive family & friends who are always there to listen or to help however it's emotionally where I've fallen apart. I still love my wife, you can't just turn that off. Yet as she keeps telling me she “has moved on, people move on”. But the apparently unplanned pregnancy has just blown me away. It seems unreal. I can;t believe this is my life.

My wife believes our children are accepting of what is happening but she is wrong. I spend far more free time with them and they are not coping with this. Let alone what will happen over the next 6 months. They will move into a new rented house with my wife, then within a couple of months the father of the baby will move in and then a new baby will arrive in June! The father of the baby is 40. Has never been married. No kids. Rents a flat. No car.

I am so hurt and broken over the cheating and lying from my wife over the last 18 months but so angry at her about the life she is creating for our children.

Can anyone offer any advice. Has anyone out there been through something similar and made it out the other end?

I think you will have to stop considering her stupid and selfish.
And I'd say this to another woman as well, btw.

Whatever happened, if she was not happy with you, it is best that she leaves than stick at a forced marriage. Best for her but also for you, and ultimately the children.
You are all going through a difficult process, as it always is, even when separation is mutually agreed, and I feel for you and the children.

BUT, importantly, would you really want her to be by your side against her wishes?

It will be a difficult process for you and it's still raw, but do let go and try to be happy in yourself.

Smudge - perhaps she will regret this at some point in the future but in her head she moved away from me (emotionally, physically, mentally) a long time ago. She has admitted she is shitting it - A new baby at 41. Ironically one if the reasons she said she hadn't noticed her complete lack of physical & emotional care for me over the last few years is that she was either pregnant of breastfeeding for a lot of that time. At least our relationship was based on a stable, mutual love not what she will have with her new boyfriend.

Count - you know I do want to get more angry. I want to go to the shop they both work in and dump the crockery a friend gas given her for her new house on his desk.

I suppose me moving home permanently a couple of weeks ago was the start of taking some control back over my life. I have told my wife I intend to buy her out the house & the car.unbelievably she thought we would just share the car! As if I would be happy letting her & her new boyf & baby driving round in our car! A couple of weeks ago he actually drove our car! Unsurprisingly he doesn't have a car yet.but they'll have to buy one soon enough.

Whose name is on the car register?
If it's yours, it's your car and your rules, even though it's a joint asset, but if it's her name, then it's her car and her rules.

No Hissy, it is not me who I.s NOT helping, it is you.

This guy is putting his children before his feelings, you are pushing him to use his children as pawns to hurt her (hurting the children BIG TIME in the process).

For all what we know the woman fell in love for another man, and he left her husband when she got pregnant. We do not anything about the relationship. Many relationships are dead long before an affair happens (not saying that this is the necessarily the case here), and then staying in the marriage is a matter of keeping up with what society dictates (stay together because you promise that), stay for the children, etc. Would the op had been happy for her to stay even when she no longer loved him? I'm sure he wouldn't.

You can fill this man with hate, and make the next few years a nightmare for the whole family, and this hate would make him unable to have another healthy relationship in his life.

Greenman, the worst that you can do to your life is coming out completely broken of all this, it won't be her fault but yours if you keep harbouring all that resentment on you.

This is the time to cry, feel miserable, and seek for some sympathy (the hell I know that) But don't stay like that for long because, trust me, you will ruin your life if you don't allow yourself to move on.

Weasel - thanks for the advice. I already do a lot with kids and am trying to stay positive. I don't want to be a bitter & unhappy person. And don't think I am. I'm glad to hear that it does get better. Right now it feels as if it will just get worse over the next 6 months. I think getting the divorce sorted & house etc will help me move on.

Lweji - of course I wouldn't want us to stay together if she was unhappy however I'm so upset that she didn't even try to save us and our family. She just lied & cheated. & now getting pregnant. I look back and think how can we have had what we had and then get to this!? I could never have treated her or anyone the way she had treated me & our children.

She was the person I was meant to trust more than anyone else and she's done this.

Not only am I heartbroken I'm so angry at her for putting our children in this situation.

I understand your resentment. I would be angry at the duplicity and likely cheating.

But this is the time for healing for you and as someone else said, it's not healthy to harbour all that anger and resentment.
I wasn't left or cheated on, but I do understand how hurt we can feel when someone else's actions lead to the breakup of a relationship. It does get better, yes. Take your time, embrace your emotions, but don't let them rule your decisions and your actions.

Your children are lucky to have you, btw. You sound like a good dad and a rock to them. They are your family now. You have been right to put them first, but don't forget yourself, as you have started to realise. They also need a happy dad.

Your wife is the sort of weak woman who puts her own need for 'love' (usually later revealed to be passion) above that of the wellbeing of her children.

I know that this is burning you inside and twisting your guts. Only time can heal that sort of pain unfortunately. There's no quick fix to getting rid of the hurt. It could be 2 or 3 years before you notice that it hurts less. You were married.

Anger and resentment is natural and warranted really. Try to counteract it if you're strong enough though. It's never good and never helps recover from the hurt. The bitterness just kills all future good motives and intentions. Again it may take a long time.

And yes breakups do harm children. Survey after survey confirms this. I hate it when people say 'as long as its amicable yadayada.'

There are several positives to this however:

1.You can form a stronger relationship with your children. Having no one else to distract you from being attentive to them will draw you closer.

2.You lose someone who is wrong for you and will be free to find another lovely woman in future.

3.You will grow as a person and become better all round. When you're at your lowest the only way forward is up.

Best thing you can do now is provide your children with some consistent parenting. And tell them the truth and encourage them to talk about everything when they're with you. Don't try to shield them from what's happening. Yes they will have a lovely brother or sister. But allow them to express how they really feel about that with you. Don't let your biases steer the conversation, but honestly its going to be a pretty crumby time for them for a while and children are excellent at burying their feelings for the good of the parent. So let them talk.

And before that new arrival comes talk to them and take them out to buy a present. Take charge of the situation instead of letting it take charge of you.

Keep a diary if things start going AWOl and write everything down. Grit your teeth and be as nice as possible to your ex in the meantime. Best for future (if you HAVE to go down the custody route) and working through what's best for the children.

I really do feel for you. But I was a single parent for many years and I tell you it can be a better family. You have to work at it. My children and I did things together that we don't do now and we were really close. What are you planning with the kids this xmas?

MeMyselfAnd1 Back off eh love - I didn't say a WORD to you about what you have posted.

that was someone else.

This is not about filling a guy with hate, it's about making sure that he's not bamboozled into having his kids uprooted and shoved into a new relationship with a guy who is a stranger to everyone INCLUDING the STBXW for that matter.

She IS being utterly irresponsible. both to her existing kids AND to the one she is carrying.

The kids should stay with their dad, allow the mother to get herself settled in her new home, allow the guy to move in and have gradually increasing contact/visits so that EVERYONE has a chance to come to terms with the carcrash events that are unfolding.

I am not advocating using the children as pawns, I'm saying that they are already in the middle of this pushme-pullyou melee and need NOT to be.

The father absolutely CAN state to his STBX that she gets herself settled, works on establishing a stable environment and THEN the kids can stay over and work towards a 50/50 split.

This is absolutely no different to the advice I would give a female if the roles were reversed.

the children are not coming first here, it's so far being a matter of forcing a new normal on them, but they have no space to process what is happening, are exhibiting signs of extreme stress and the runaway train rolls on.

My first husband left me with a baby; and moved in with OW and had very quickly another DC (and then another). What you are essentially saying is that your ex-wife should have had an abortion and tried to save your marriage? Really? My exH did not try to save our marriage; it was the right decision for him and he knew it. DD is now 11 and has two younger sisters who she loves.
Yes, maybe she doesn't know any different, but at the end of the day, but it really was not my decision to make.
It takes about two years to feel better.

So sorry you are going through this OP. You sound really lovely to me. From what you have said about this OM, he doesn't sound like long term relationship material. Regardless though, I hope you get through this soon and meet someone else who deserves you. Take care xx

OP, there is a big danger here that in trying to be fair to everyone you’re going to end up being unfair to your children. What they need at the moment is stability, and if your ex wife were able to provide it, I’d agree that they should live with her. But she can’t at the moment. So you have to take matters into your own hands and go for the majority of time with the kids at the moment, with them seeing their mother for whatever time they want. Don’t be too keen on the overnight stays until she gets her own place established, and they can feel that they have their own space there.

In my own case my kids (older than yours) didn’t want to stay in two houses and made the decision to stay with me rather than their mother. It wasn’t the easiest of processes to get the courts to agree to this, but they did. The kids have preferred this, and its allowed me to have a good relationship with them to the extent that when the youngest was ill recently he called me (1.5 hours drive away) rather than his mother (10 minutes down the road).

Focus on the kids that you have rather than the wife that you had, and things will get a lot better.

I think you should formalise any sharing of the children using your solicitor. Don't leave this to a "gentle women's" agreement. You may live to regret it.
You may find your ex will have some "interesting" ideas after she has given birth.
Good luck.

Girl with / padflingduck / pink - thanks for your posts- some really great advice. I absolutely do not want to be a bitter person & don't think I am.that's no way to live a life.

I think I am already learning some lessons about me & how I can improve myself. And I am trying to imagine a future with someone who actually cares about me. Just for someone to even hold my hand or give me a proper kiss! Its been so long now and I really miss that connection with someone.

Buying a present for their new baby sister sounds like a positive thing to do, something which I would never have done.

And I do want to be as honest as I can with my childre.my MIL seems to think I should hide all emotions from them. As if I'm fine. And I completely disagree. Within reason obviously. They can tell I'm not happy about a this and don't want them to think that hiding your feelings is the right thing to do.

Romeyroo - I don't think she should've had an abortion to save our marriage. No. She is still actually my wife and still will be when the baby arrives.

Firstly she should not have been stupid enough to get pregnant in the first place.secondly the reason not to have this baby is because of the impact this will have on OUR children. Her new boyfriend won't just be raising their child but mine as well. They haven't even lived together and now my three lovely children are going to brought up in this situation. I know how hard work it us raising 3 of your own children and now he'll be giibgvfrom 25 years of doing whatever he wants to having a new baby, 3 kids which aren't Hus and a MIL who is there all the time.

I've just read this green and couldn't just read and run. How awful for you ... absolutely heartbreaking. I'm so sorry.

However, putting on my hard hat, I would fight tooth and nail to ensure that custody is at least 50/50 (why should the mother of your children have default priority when it is she who has split the family up with what appears strongly to be an affair?)

And no way would I allow her to have my pension. None of my earnings aside from what I could afford our children; no future rights to any of my money. Fuck that.

I couldn't fully gather whether you have been to see a solicitor about these issues.

It is good to see that you are seeking counselling. I think that should benefit you a great deal. I witnessed the breakdown of my own parent's marriage (down to my DM and her infidelity) and neither my DF nor I had counselling (ironically, DM did). I was broken for quite a long time (I was 19yo at the time, so I assume a lot older than your dcs).

Time does heal. They separated in 2002 after my DM had been having an affair for 4 years. I didn't see much of her for a year or two - I think that she shacked up with the OM. But it fizzled out eventually and to this day she wonders what it was all about (mid-life crisis, methinks). Things are good again and have been for a few years. My parents are on very good terms and are undoubtedly best friends.

But it is different for you. There is a baby involved here, who embodies the betrayal.

I wish you peace and happiness in the future. Things will get better.

Paddlingduck - your idea of building an invisible wall between myself and my wife sounds exactly what I need to do. She'll be in her own house in a couple of weeks so won't really need to see her much from then on. I think I'm viewing that as the start of my separation as strange as that sounds.

Perhaps perversely, despite what shehsd done to me, I did say that she should spend this xmas at home with me & our children so thats what we're doing now. All under the same roof for a few days. The last time we'll ever spend time together just the five of us. Its a bit strange butvI wanted thus for the kids. And perhaps a bit for me also.

Molotov & others - thanks for your kind words & advice. On Xmas eve aswell!

I think I can accept that things will get better eventually. They can't get any worse! I do have a great relationship with my kids already but they need both if us so I think at least a 50/ 50 split is the minimum I would agree to. I have spoken to solicitor about all this including pensions etc. She did have audacity early on to say she might seek spousal maintenance! I just laughed & said she now work full time as all our kids are soon to be school age. Obv that's more difficult for her with a baby on the way.

I really do hope counselling will help. I need find a path through all this heartache & despair and let go of the life I thought I'd have. Its gone now and I need to accept that & move forward for my sake & the kids.

Greenman, I won't discuss my circumstances on the forum because I will no longer look back, but I just want you to know we share a very similar experience.

I just wanted to say that I'm reading your posts and I think there is a sense of 'unrealness about them'. It happens when you try to sort things out in your head and do what people are advised to do nowadays which is generally he the bigger person who only thinks positively. I did it and months in had a great big fall into a great big pit - I also got angry and said stuff being the bigger person (and load of other things like it). Im glad I had that episode because its only once I experienced it that i was able to grasp what was going on and live the fact that its ok to be totally and utterly fucked off by what has happened and to not be the bigger person some days.

Round of applause for Tattie

I agree with carelessdad. For the sake of the kids, I think you need to press for a larger "chunk" of their' time. They're going to go through a tremendous period of upheaval in addition to what's happened already, and the reality is that if things don't work out with the OM they'll be unsettled yet again. You must try to minimise this as much as possible. Ok your youngest needs their mum in the middle of the night, but new fella and then a baby are hardly going to facilitate nighttime cuddles. That could even more distressing rather than her just not being there all the time.

I would couch this initially as, "you have a lot going on what with sorting out living arrangements, new baby, getting sorted with a car, blah blah blah; why don't we reassess when new baby is say four months old and you're more settled, with a view to going to 50:50 then?".

Being generous to the OM, it's going to be a hell of a culture shock going from being a single man about town to a quasi-step dad to three young kids with a baby on the way, with all the responsibility that entails. "Throwing him in at the deep end", although tempting and potentially very amusing to watch from a distance, could scupper their relationship before it gets properly off the ground. As you've said that you don't want this due to the impact on the kids, I would think very carefully about how you go about dividing their' time.

Wish you all the best- you sound like a genuinely good bloke.

You mentioned being concerned about bringing up the children by yourself.....or something like that.
Just to say, my husband had shared custody but 3 boys chose to stay with dad full time. They were 8, 10, 12 . They chose not to bother with their DM. She'd had several affairs.
Dad had managed very well in raising them despite working long hours as a police officer. Granny gave a hand, a colleague/neighbour kept an eye for the half hour before they left for school. They all went on to grammar school and went on to become professional in their career. I met them at aged 12, 14, 16 but their father and I kept our own homes for another 7 years. My own son was at uni and he also worked hard to get his ph.d. Hubby had to learn and did so by trial and error. By the time I moved in permanently we all knew each other very well and when we told them we were getting married their comments were...it's about time.
Sorry to have rambled but my point is.....you can do it.
My DH did it for Years as a single parent.The dc don't have to grow up damaged.
Between us we had 4 boys growing up in 'broken homes'....they knew their boundaries and pushed those boundaries frequently. But they and us, got there.
Don't be afraid about raising your dc.
It's a step at a time.
The entire process is a step at a time, often 2 forward and 1 back.
You will do fine.

Craicdealer - some sound advice. I do need to talk to my wife about the details of how sharing the kids will work over the next 12 months at least. Unfortunately she always leaves it up to me to start these discussions. Every time.

My wife seems to be of view that because this is happening - new house, new baby, new man looking after them - it will just HAVE to work. Its symptomatic of the simplistical view she takes on life.

I think your suggestion the kids moving in more slowly is a sound approach to take & I will suggest this to her.

And you're right as much as I'd like to see how the new boyfriend will cope going from singledom, getting pissed after the match life (oh yes) it will impact pn y children.

I'm just so dissaponited on her for the life she has created for us all. Its like she is a different person.

Lady B49 - thank you for the words of encouragement. I think I know I CAN do this by myself I just don't want to. They are all great kids & have loads of support from both sets of parents & family. It just seems so daunting - the future. One the reasons we've separated is that I felt I put everything into our relationship & family, & have done for 12 years, and was getting nothing back from wife. No love, no affection, no care. And whilst I will continue to put everything into my kids I need something from life for me too.

Pretty soon I will be a divorced 36 year old man with 3 children. In your early 20s you don't even think about meeting women & relationships. It just happens. Now......well it just seems like a scary future when I thought my future was all mapped out.

I suggest that you buy her out and ask her to leave. the kids stay with you. They can visit her when they are happy to do so.

This ^.

Why can't the DC live with you? Have you even investigated this possibility? You sound by far the more stable parent who is demonstrably putting them first. I'd bloody fight her tooth and nail, if it was me. And yes, they do need to see her and maintain a relationship with her, but they don't have to live with her and be forced to be a part of the mess she's created.

They could technically live with me full time however there are a number of reasons why not.

• she is their mother and they love her and she loves them
• I have no right legally NOR morally to keep them apart
• both my wife & kids would miss each other hugely (already now its awful for me not seeing them half the week.)
• despite what has happened over the last 6 to 12 months she is a good mother - she gives them an emotional support that I can't
• I work full time

In that case i dont really think you have the right to criticise the home she will provide, if you dont want to provide them with one yourself. None of the reasons you stated seem really adequate. Lots of mothers work full time. It wasnt suggested you keep them apart, she would still have some access.