Separated from wife for 4 months, wife is now 4 months pregnant by another man

[greenman99]

To cut a long story short - ish. Just over a year ago I had a conversation with my wife about the complete lack of love or care she had for me. See here for the thread from the time. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1974953-Wife-has-no-interest-in-me-physically

We have been together for almost 12 years, married for 6 and have three children aged 3, 7 and 9. Unfortunately our relationship has deteriorated dramatically over the last 12 months. I wanted to find a solution our problems but she just wanted to run away from it all, which she did and continued to stay out late (till 4am) with a male work colleague once or twice a month. I suggested relationship counselling, she refused. We spent time apart intermittently throughout spring / summer time at her request. She never once said she didn't love me anymore and indicated we just had to be 'nicer' to each other.

We separated formally (again at her request) just before the end of the summer holidays. With each of us spending half the week in the family home with our children. I knew then this was the end of marriage and life as we knew it. After a couple of months she told me she had been on a couple of 'dates' with her work colleague which I knew she had begun a relationship with at least over a year ago.

About a month ago I saw a couple of things which led me to believe she was pregnant, which she then confirmed. A mistake apparently but the only reason she could think of to have an abortion was not to hurt me! Not the effect it would have on our children.

Following the confirmation of her pregnancy I decided to move back into our family home full time as I and the kids needed some stability. And the only reason I moved out because my wife said we needed to spend time apart and deal with the day to day drudgery of life on our own. Which clearly wasn't the case. We have been separated 4 months and she is 4 months pregnant.

I have spoken to a solicitor and will begin divorce proceedings next month. I have also spoken to a mortgage advisor and think I can probably buy my wife out of our house next year also.I had a particularly bad spell (emotionally) when my wife confirmed she was pregnant, however seeing the solicitor and mortgage advisor has helped a bit in knowing practically I can have some control over some parts of my life again.

I have very supportive family & friends who are always there to listen or to help however it's emotionally where I've fallen apart. I still love my wife, you can't just turn that off. Yet as she keeps telling me she “has moved on, people move on”. But the apparently unplanned pregnancy has just blown me away. It seems unreal. I can;t believe this is my life.

My wife believes our children are accepting of what is happening but she is wrong. I spend far more free time with them and they are not coping with this. Let alone what will happen over the next 6 months. They will move into a new rented house with my wife, then within a couple of months the father of the baby will move in and then a new baby will arrive in June! The father of the baby is 40. Has never been married. No kids. Rents a flat. No car.

I am so hurt and broken over the cheating and lying from my wife over the last 18 months but so angry at her about the life she is creating for our children.

Can anyone offer any advice. Has anyone out there been through something similar and made it out the other end?

OP I can understand why you are so upset about the breakdown of your marriage and all the upheaval.

However, I am a bit confused why you think it will be so awful for your DC to have a new sibling? YOu say you are so "angry at her for deciding to have another baby as it will effect all of us for the rest of our lives"

That new sibling may turn out to be a lovely little person and a great support to your DC into adulthood. Why are you angry about this in particular?

Just want to mention that 4 months pregnant means she got pregnant 3 and a half months ago. I know not a great consolation at this stage, but still.

I agree with the poster about buying her out and asking for the hildren. The OM sounds like hes not going to be much of a provider.

I think maybe youre angry about the baby because it really does mran the end of your relationship. Maybe?

Why I am so angry about my wife getting pregnant literally the day after we separated?

1. I had a vasectomy a couple of years ago because we agreed we didn't want anymore children.
2. My wife is 40 & was enjoying going out & not breast feeding. Apparently.
3. Its hard work caring for 3 children, now she will have 4
4. Her relationship with the father of her child is based on going out & getting pissed with each other.
5. Our youngest child is still 3 & cries out for his mammy in the middle of the night & regularly gets into bed with me or her. How will that work with a new baby in bed and a new man he hardly knows?

I completely accept that I have no control over her life anymore & she could've decided to have a baby at anytime. I just think that her timing is outrageous. Not only do our children have to cope with their parents splitting up & a new man in their lives they to cope with a new baby which will effect the amount if care their mam can give them.

No one I know agrees that having a baby now is the right thing to do. I'm sure it'll turn out to be a lovely little half sister for them all.but right now?! No way.

Totally agree with you OP, i think any man in your shoes would be furious.

Greenman, you know what is best for the children, and unlike us all, you know her as a mother and can see that the affair is Don't be influenced in calling for "full custody", people who call for it do not even know there is no such thing as "custody" in this country.

An affair has no bearing on the arrangements for the care of children, or the separation of assets, none whatsoever, unless the OM has property on his name and they are already living together (but even so, many courts wouldn't care about it, as the OP's ex can always claim that the relationship was over yesterday at every single court hearing). The only positive thing the OP could get in court out of this affair is not to wait 2 years for the marriage to be dissolved.

Greenman, there is nothing more devastating than being left for another person, but be kind to yourself,please do not see yourself as a victim, because this disempowers you completely. If you want to feel more in control of your life you need to take responsibility for your own misgivings, even if that is accepting that you should have walked out of this marriage long before all this happened.

It is a painful phase, but try to keep your heart in one piece, so when all this storm pass you can continue to be a good friend, good parent and with time, be able to trust again and be a good partner again.

seriously love, your children need stability, and a home, where they can ajust to the shit storm.

ferrying them to and from her new home with a stranger and a baby is going to really affect them badly.

you have to take this on properly, they need to be with you, they can biuld up to contact with her and her new boyf.

get some support, move the woman out and let the kids collect themselves slowly and steadily until they are ready to spen more time with this woman and her boyf.

you have to be there for them, this carcrash will have all sorts of fallout, it's your job to protect them

Calleigh doodle - yes angry & upset because there is no way back. Which I knew anyway in reality.

But also because we decided to bring a child into this world once we knew other, bought a house, were settled etc. Yet now she 'mistakenly' got pregnant & will raise our children with a man who has reached the age of 40 and managed to achieve not much in life. No car, no house, no experience of a LT relationship & definitely not children.

And I was practically the last to know.

I agree with Hissy. I can't see it being in their best interests to be most of the time with their mother just now.

Memyself - you're right. I'm trying hard not to feel sorry for myself. I accept that relationships end. I suppose its the manner in which it has happened. I was always honest with her & gave her so many opportunities to just tell me the truth. Yet she didn't, not once. I feel she didn't even try to save our family.

I do accept I wasn't the perfect partner but who is? But I think I have already learnt some lessons about me. I do want to move on but am just so scared about raising our children by myself.

Hissy - I was going to suggest we ask the kids where they would like to live but I think that would create more division than now.

I did say I wanted to talk to new boyfriend before the kids did but my wife had already ignored this.

Didn't the OP said that they were spending 4 weekdays with their mum, and the rest of the week with him? It seems to me that despite the 4 nights, the children are spending more time with their dad than with their mum (they are at school when they are with her).

Obviously you can punish the sins of this mother by taking her children away and then take her out for some well deserved lashings

Don't bank on this being a long term relationship.

Living with a pregnant woman and her 3 kids is way different to his fun, getting pissed and shagging buddy.

If you can take on more time with your DC it may be easier on them than all this upheaval plus the extra I reckon will come when reality hits and he bails.

Don't be surprised if she tries to come crawling back at some stage either.

You sound like a good dad who loves his kids. Look after yourself and them. It will get better

no love, don't give that decision to the kids.

take the decision on their behalf, for their best interests.

she's inflicted introduced him already?

4m in. apparently... she's NOT even considering their thoughts/feelings/safety here.

inform this woman that she will move out as planned, and the children will stay with you full time, with increasing visits as and when they are comfortable to do so.

she's making me very angry here, how dare she fuck this all up like this? :(

Well my wife won't be doing much drinking till 4am for quite a while now as she having a baby.

The thing I don't want the last laugh on my wife. I want her to be happy & healthy so that our children can be also be happy. Perhaps their relationship won't work out but that won't be good for our children.

Time wise the kids are with my wife 4 nights a week but in reality theyre ready for bed on Monday by the time she is home from work & her mother is there all day Thursday & stats that night so in effect she's not spending much time with the kids at all. Which is only going to get worse when the new baby arrives.

Completely agree with hissy great advice.

memyself I don't think your helping.

greenman you've been through the mill. X

Your wife is a selfish cow. I'm sorry for you.

So very selfish. I look at her & she still looks like my wife (although now with a baby bump) & still sounds like her but she can't be that person anymore. I just can't believe the decisions she had made to get us all to this point.

However legally there is nothing I can do stop us broadly sharing the care for our children 50/50. And unless the new boyfriend is a criminal therevis nothing I can do to stop them all living together.

mate, you can stand up and be counted. tell this woman that she leaves, but the children will stay with you in the short term, and gradually build up visits.

it's too much, too soon for them. they can't control what happens to thwm, only you can look out for them

your stbx isn( thinking of anyone else except herself and this bloke. in a normal relationship any parent worth a jot would wait longer than 12wks before moving their kids in with a new partner.

sure she can move in with him, she can knock herself out, but your kids won't be shacking up with anyone until a while down the line.

ultimately, if it all works out with loves young dream, then fine, but this is too sOon for the children.

this giu could literally be anyone.. he already has shown he couldn't give a shit about boundariesEtc, so best to slow things down for the kids, and see how things pan out.

if her dm is about and available, she can help you out, surely? or is she on camp selfish?

In some ways we've been side tracked somewhat by the actual mechanics of what's happening.

Whilst I think my wife is being extremely selfish & ignoring the impact this is & will have on our children there is absolutely NOTHING I can do to stop this happening.

I have already told my wife the impact this is having on our children and she refuses to acknowledge it. Therefore she will not accept doing anything other what she wants to do which is move the kids in with her in a couple of weeks (for half the week) and then move her boyfriend in 2 to 3 months time.

The fact she fell pregnant & is keeping the baby shows how little she cares for children or my opinion.

What pisses me off is that as she tells people about this she is saying that we separated then she started dating the new boyfriend then fell pregnant. She doesn't say that she was in a relationship with him for at least 12 months before that.

She us also telling people the kids are accepting of this all which is untrue.

I did say to my wife that I wanted to speak to the new boyfriend (I do know him) and still want to do this. I actually would like to speak to both of them at the same time. I think really to make squirm but also to ask some genuine questions about how they intend to raise our children.

Does everyone think this is a good idea?

I am also trying to put things into two camps - those I can't control and those I can. So however messed up this is my wife is having this baby and pretty soon they will all be living together. I can't stop that.

No I don't think it is a good idea to speak to him. It is a complete waste of your time. He hasn't given a shit about your family over the last year. He isn't going to now.

You can however go to a court or solicitor and look at getting residency. Even if it is just temporary until you and your wife can sort out an amicable arrangement which protects your little ones.

Your wife can then not do just as she wants. It may not happen however it may mean the children are looked after a little more emotionally.

I have spoken to a solicitor and legally there is nothing I can do to stop her being with the children half the week.

And whilst friends gave questioned her mental wellbeing in her head thetevis a logic to all this. Like she keeps telling me she had moved on & the facts are the facts. However hurtful to us all. I know also she is saying to people that she is of the opinion that things happenbfor a reason in life! Like this was fate! Not her stupidity or selfishness.

I don't want to go to court or go down the legal route because we will be our children's parents for the rest our lives & this won't make that relationship any easier.
And you know it kills me writing about my wife like this. And about what she had done to our lives. Momentarily I forget how shit everything is. It just seems unreal.

Does it get better eventually? Do you recover from this?

No real advice but just wanted to say that you sound like an excellent dad. I have a feeling that in a year's time your wife will be very regretful indeed...

I don't know much about the legalities of all this type of thing, but I do know that your exw is very selfish & self centred. Big congrats to shagging the first bloke who gives you a bit of attention on a night out exw. How could she be so immoral, not a good role model for the 3 DC she already has. Despite her doing all this shit up to now, it's time for you to man up & put a stop to this going any further. I don't know how, but don't roll over & let her & her shagging buddy take control over your children's lives. You are in charge now. You should dictate what happens & when. Do not make it easy for her to have you hanging on being all agreeable because the chances are they're laughing at you. Get angry, it's allowed in your situation, you're grieving your life as it was & anger is part of the grieving process. Do not just accept what you're being told to do. Fight it, (her making the decisions on where your children live & with whom) your DCs will look back in years to come with admiration for you for not taking it lying down.

Hi Greenman, wanted to offer support to you. What a thing to have to deal with mate. You will get great support on here so please keep posting and venting your spleen.

My ex wife ended my first marriage 12 years ago but there was no 3rd person. I would have found that devastating. My ex wife wanted half my pension too as well as 70% of everything else but didn't get any pension of mine....I gave her an extra £5K instead so maybe you could do that? As a quick aside my ex was giving my son driving lessons a few months ago and discussed my impending retirement and she said she should have got half my pension. My son told her using the f word "no you f*** shouldn't" He doesn't swear normally.

A lot of women on here are full of shit when it comes to divorce and children, of course the kids are damaged!!! LTB leave the bastard is often the advice given with little or no regard to the children involved. Oddly, the baby when it arrives might help them accept the situation, despite the pain they are in, they will love their new half brother/sister.

As for you? I promise you that things will get better. You are a decent bloke and decent blokes are in short supply. Keep up the counselling. People will tell you that it is time for you to find new hobbies, but when you are screwed up and bitter inside it is not easy.

Try not to drink too much, take get regular exercise if you can and concentrate on your kids. Plan stuff with them, perhaps keep a diary that you can show them in years to come, take lots of photos.

Good luck....