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Original poster

He’ll just have to do without (sex)

123 replies

TeeJay1970 · 23/12/2014 07:31

Went out for a Christmas drink last Friday with a group of 40 something ladies. As the drinks flowed the conversation turned to sex.

One of my friends (48 years old) announced that she was done with and had no plans to have it again. This then begged the question of where this leaves DH (46 years old). Her words where, and I quote, “He’ll just have to do without.” In the following argument amongst the 7 of us two groups emerged. The first agreed with her that if she didn’t want it that was the end for the two of them full stop.

The other group, my group, felt this was just not fair on her DH. Now I fully agree that nobody should have sex if they don’t want to but is it really fair to wake up one day and say to your DH “Darling I’ve been thinking. Last night I decided that you’re never having sex ever again.”?

Can she really expect her marriage to carry on as before (he is a good DH and always has been)? On the other hand can he really expect her to have sex if she doesn’t want to?

One women suggested that she might agree to him having some form of “arrangement” to go elsewhere. Her response was “I’ll cut his balls off!”. Is it OK for her to tell him she wants nothing to do with his balls ever again but demand complete control over them?

I really can’t decide what’s right here.

Any thoughts?

OP posts:

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 23/12/2014 21:48

In my (limited) experience I find that some women take great delight in coming out with stuff like "I never let my H get even a whiff of my stocking tops" when really they are jumping his bones over the Sunday Supplements

JollyJingle · 23/12/2014 21:57

It does seem very unfair on her DH but perhaps he isn't very interested either? Unless she tells you what his reaction is it's difficult to comment. If it's a unilateral decision without discussion then she is being very unfair if she is saying no sex and you can't seek it elsewhere! She will soon find herself divorced. 48 is definitely not too old for sex!

shaska · 23/12/2014 22:00

I have to agree with AnyFucker that there is definitely a type of woman who thinks it's funny or cute or something to pretend she never 'allows' her fella anywhere near her. It's a bit odd but yeah I do think it's totally possible this woman is just one of those.

Viviennemary · 23/12/2014 22:05

I think this is far more common than anyone would think. Two former colleagues of mine said that was the arrangement they'd come to. One in her forties and one in her fifties. The younger one did split up with her DH in the end.

HelenaDove · 23/12/2014 22:22

AF has a point. I remember a friend of mine saying something similar while on her forth glass of Baileys on an Xmas night out 2 years ago.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 23/12/2014 22:27

That Bailey's is notorious

HelenaDove · 23/12/2014 22:29

HermioneHandbag · 24/12/2014 02:14

Why are so many people saying she "shouldn't have sex if she doesn't want to"?

Why is it necessarily so different from the many other things that people do that they don't want to, as part of the compromise necessary to sustain a relationship?

LiviaDruscillaAugusta · 24/12/2014 02:19

I made a choice to give up all forms of sex/relationships when I was 30 (14 years ago) and will never have either again but it is unfair of someone who is already in a relationship to decide that and expect their partner to suck it up.

Plarail123 · 24/12/2014 05:17

I am not interested in ever having sex again. Have told DH that I am happy for him to leave/see other people. He says he doesn't want to but I am sure he will in time. I would like him to find happiness. He is in his early 40's and I don't think it's fair to make him live in a sexless marriage but he is choosing to do so.

TheHoneyBadger · 24/12/2014 05:51

plarail if you don't mind me asking is it something traumatic that has made you feel this way or just a never enjoyed it element or that your libido has left the building? also is it all forms of intimacy or the actual piv element of sex? i'm not just being nosey it's that i wonder if you are being premature and it's not something that couldn't be resolved with help.

Plarail123 · 24/12/2014 05:57

Bad birth injuries I'm afraid TheHoneyBadger, he was present and was also traumatised. We have a beautiful son ?? which is why he stays, the poor man.

DuchessofKirkcaldy · 24/12/2014 06:14

Dh told me this last year.
I am 33 and we were ttc. This was not the issue. Much larger one which would out me.
17 months without.
We are basically flatmates. It's awful.

TheHoneyBadger · 24/12/2014 07:33

bless you plarail - do you still have the injuries now? have you had medical support? i know for a while you don't even feel like being examined let alone thinking about treatment. probably minor compared to you but i had both a bodged episiotomy and a bodged repair which was eventually identified and i had to have a very upsetting (fully conscious full spinal block but could feel all the pressure and fully awake etc again) secondary repair being fully warned that it might not work and it was a miracle i hadn't gotten an infection etc when my son was a couple of weeks old.

i was single so sex wasn't an issue anyway and i remember virtually laughing in the face of my doctor everytime she mentioned contraception etc going forward and telling her quite convincedly that i was never going to have sex again and i totally meant it and stuck to it for a couple of years.

i'm guessing yours was much worse but explaining mine as in i do understand to some degree how awful it can be and how put off of sex you can be or even checking out whether things are ok now or can be made better if they're not.

please don't say 'poor man' - if it turns out your injuries really do mean that you can't have sex then it really isn't your fault. likewise if you're jut too traumatised to even deal with looking it yet again, not your fault. however it may be that with time you may come to feel differently and be ready to look into it. how old is your beautiful boy?

Plarail123 · 24/12/2014 08:09

Poor you THB sounds horrific, hope it's all good for you now. I was lucky that an obstetric surgeon sewed me back up under GA afterwards but there is a lot of scar tissue and all sorts of continence and prolapse problems etc. Unfortunately we do not have free healthcare where I live and I cannot afford to get it sorted. Our son is 3 so I think this will be our last family Christmas together. Still, it can't be helped and I have read up on this extensively, apparently most marriages do not survive this sort of thing long term. I am hoping because we are older that there may be a chance but it's unlikely.

Wellthatsit · 24/12/2014 08:59

Plarail and honey, your situations are very different to the OP's friend (so sorry to hear about the traumas you have endured).
The OP's friend sounds like she doesn't love her DH as she is blithely stating that their sex life is over and he will just have to lump it. If she cared about him, she wouldbe either seeking help for her low libido, or feeling upset at what this might do to her relationship.
She isn't. She sounds selfish to me.

Annarose2014 · 24/12/2014 09:21

Duchess I remember your username and the issue. I'm so sorry your situation is unchanged - you are so young. I hope you eventually find the support you need to feel able to make a break.

Plarail123 · 24/12/2014 09:39

Sorry to hijack thread. Although who knows the women's real reason for going off her husband.

Plarail123 · 24/12/2014 09:42

woman's

WildBillfemale · 24/12/2014 09:48

It pains me to admit this but I think AnyFuckerForAMincePie has a point here (but then I see a younger version of myself in her, she just needs a bit of mentoring) it was possibly said tongue in cheek to shock the younger generation present who think they invented sex and older people don't do it.

Lweji · 24/12/2014 10:17

HermioneHandbag
Why are so many people saying she "shouldn't have sex if she doesn't want to"? Why is it necessarily so different from the many other things that people do that they don't want to, as part of the compromise necessary to sustain a relationship?

We could compromise and have sex, but that should be our choice. In the same way that I don't have to do anything for or with my partner if I don't want to, but I can choose to do it. However, if I keep doing things I don't want to and feel unhappy about it, or I feel pressure to do it, it brings on resentment. It can be worse if the thing is something as intimate as sex, but it will be true for anything else, even housework.

It's all the same.
Do you feel you do a lot you don't like to keep your partner happy?

Not having sex may be more important to you than having your partner around.
Perhaps the issue with this woman's libido is that she is not really that keen on her partner. Even though he is a good husband. It's possible that if they separated she might find herself interested in sex again. Who knows?
For this man, staying with his wife could be more important than having sex. For all we know his libido may not be too high.

And BTW, appearing to be a good husband, doesn't mean that he is. My ex looked like a good husband to his family. He wasn't.

JuanDirection · 24/12/2014 12:29

Why are so many people saying she "shouldn't have sex if she doesn't want to"? Why is it necessarily so different from the many other things that people do that they don't want to, as part of the compromise necessary to sustain a relationship?

Because other stuff you don't fancy doing - like your fair share of housework, for example, don't involve someone enjoying violating you internally for their own sexual gratification, against your wishes. HTH.

warysara · 24/12/2014 12:34

JuanDirection: That is a completely stupid comment. You are describing rape, not consenting to sex even though it perhaps doesn't bring you the pleasure it once did.

AICM · 24/12/2014 12:53

Juan
I think you are describing the extreme end of what is being talked about here. On several occasion I've had sex with DH when I wasn't totally in the mood (and vice versa) it was not what you are talking about here.

LastTangoInBognor · 24/12/2014 12:54

Juan, you may not have meant it this way, but you've just implied that sex for a woman is automatically 'internal violation'. I find that pretty offensive.

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