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Original poster

He’ll just have to do without (sex)

123 replies

TeeJay1970 · 23/12/2014 07:31

Went out for a Christmas drink last Friday with a group of 40 something ladies. As the drinks flowed the conversation turned to sex.

One of my friends (48 years old) announced that she was done with and had no plans to have it again. This then begged the question of where this leaves DH (46 years old). Her words where, and I quote, “He’ll just have to do without.” In the following argument amongst the 7 of us two groups emerged. The first agreed with her that if she didn’t want it that was the end for the two of them full stop.

The other group, my group, felt this was just not fair on her DH. Now I fully agree that nobody should have sex if they don’t want to but is it really fair to wake up one day and say to your DH “Darling I’ve been thinking. Last night I decided that you’re never having sex ever again.”?

Can she really expect her marriage to carry on as before (he is a good DH and always has been)? On the other hand can he really expect her to have sex if she doesn’t want to?

One women suggested that she might agree to him having some form of “arrangement” to go elsewhere. Her response was “I’ll cut his balls off!”. Is it OK for her to tell him she wants nothing to do with his balls ever again but demand complete control over them?

I really can’t decide what’s right here.

Any thoughts?

OP posts:
Joysmum · 23/12/2014 08:26

I think it's up to the couple themselves. That means her being completely honest with her DH so he can make his own choices and knows there's no chance of sex in future and doesn't hold on in hope.

Original poster
TeeJay1970 · 23/12/2014 08:27

Laurie - that's exactly what one of us said but she just brushed it off. I suppose if you're libido is low you're happy to not have sex and don't see the issue.

OP posts:
rockup · 23/12/2014 08:28

From a guys perspective, it is not fair to expect your husband to shut down his sexlife because you have made a decision that you are no longer interested. I do wonder whether this is really about het lack of sexual interest in HIM.

rockup · 23/12/2014 08:31

Teejay, has her husband let himself go. I don't just necessarily mean physically either..

Original poster
TeeJay1970 · 23/12/2014 08:32

Honey - It does look like that I know but it really isn't. I mentioned that because if he leaves that's what's facing him.

He's done nothing wrong and has a lot to lose by doing the right thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
TeeJay1970 · 23/12/2014 08:35

No he hasn't let himself go. He has aged but in line with his age IFSWIM.

TBH I think if a man went off sex with his wife he'd he slaughtered on this site if said she'd let herself go.

OP posts:
rockup · 23/12/2014 08:39

Yes he would be, imo that's part of the problem. There seems to be a difference between what people will say to others and their true reasons, just a thought ??

LadyBlaBlah · 23/12/2014 08:49

There is a gender difference in 'sexiness', whether we like it or not.

Women are deemed sexy if they are slim, big breasted, bla bla (all appearance based)

Men are deemed sexy if they are strong, powerful, and slim (but slim not actually necessary if they have enough power etc.)

The point being sexy in men and women is different.

OP, sounds to me like she doesn't fancy him. She's ripe to be "swept off her feet" by some hot guy who awakens her sexuality. And I'd say even more ripe as she's clearly an extroverted, thrill seeking kinda woman who's in a marriage that has settled into drudgery.

I hope she has an honest conversation with her DH.

talbotinthesky · 23/12/2014 09:43

Not all men like big boobs you know!

In answer to the OP I agree with you. Of course she shouldn't have sex if she doesn't want to but she can't make that decision for him. I know some married women who don't like sex and yes their husbands cheat on them. I have no doubt your friends husband will do the same.

Tyzer85 · 23/12/2014 09:46

If this was a man saying that he'd no longer shag his wife and that he expected her to put up with it everyone would have their pitchforks out.

The wife is being very unreasonable by expecting him to just put up with it and I hope that she realises that before it's too late.

DrDre · 23/12/2014 09:49

SolidGoldBrass put it very well on another thread:
"someone who repeatedly refuses either to have sex with his/her official partner or recognise that the lack of sex is genuinely upsetting to the other person has no right at all to insist on monogamy. If you're not using it, you shouldn't moan if someone else wants it."
I doubt he was signing up to celibacy when he got married. If she doesn't want sex then fine, but she has no right to expect him to be celibate as well.

TheHermitCrab · 23/12/2014 10:20

She sounds like she has no respect for him at all. Not just because the the "no sex" decision. But that she thinks it's ok to have this conversation with a group of other women behind his back. Doesn't seem mature or sensible.

She wasn't exactly having a sensible conversation about it. So who cares if she has a medical reason.

She should be having a conversation with her husband about it, hopefully in a less aggressive manner.

Jan45 · 23/12/2014 10:33

She's giving up a sex life at 48, well all I can say her sex life in the first place must've been pretty piss poor.

Meerka · 23/12/2014 10:35

Agreed with drDre/ SGB

magoria · 23/12/2014 13:20

I am 46. Sod having no sex again! I think it is so sad.

She has the right not to have sex again.

He has the right to leave her and have a fulfilling sex life.

She is being selfish to dictate he cannot or she will cut his balls off.

Bonsoir · 23/12/2014 13:22

If one partner in a marriage decides unilaterally that he/she is giving up sex for good, he/she must be prepared to let his/her partner go elsewhere for sex.

intlmanofmystery · 23/12/2014 14:50

I don't think the male perspective is any different to those already expressed. If I was told age 46 that "that was it" and I would never have any sexual intimacy in my life again, then that's incredibly selfish and I would consider the relationship doomed if not already over. Yes, this couple may need to put "arrangements" in place to avoid a complete breakdown but such controlling behaviour shows absolutely no respect for her husband.

ImperialBlether · 23/12/2014 15:06

She needs to be realistic. He would be snapped up if they divorced. She wouldn't if she carried on with a low libido and an entitled manner.

JuanDirection · 23/12/2014 15:21

I don't think it's controlling or selfish at all - if she doesn't want to have sex then she shouldn't. What's the alternative? For her to just open her legs so he could do his thing knowing she wasn't enjoying it - yuck! Surely even if she was willing to do that, he wouldn't want to? Surely he'd rather live celibate (or 'please himself') than do that to someone knowing they don't want to. It's really up to them, it's such a personal issue between the couple, there could be all sorts of elements or variables that we don't know. If they love each other, they will make it work without sex with each other. If they don't love each other enough for that, they'll split.

BertieBotts · 23/12/2014 15:26

I think it's quite a common mindset in some circles, that women put up with sex for a certain amount of time and then one day nope, that's it. She's compromised all of these years and now it's his turn.

I would assume that she has never really enjoyed sex and I think that is awfully sad. I hope things are changing for the current younger generations.

BertieBotts · 23/12/2014 15:28

That said she is very young. I have heard this kind of thing pretty commonly from women who would now be in their 60s and 70s. Doesn't mean the attitude doesn't exist among younger women but I thought it was more of a dying thing.

JuanDirection · 23/12/2014 15:29

I don't understand this: "She needs to be realistic. He would be snapped up if they divorced. She wouldn't if she carried on with a low libido and an entitled manner."

First - he might be snapped up if they split, she might not be. So what? Either they want to split or not, does it matter how desirable or otherwise he or she might be to someone else, if they're not compatible anymore?

Second - entitled manner? She IS entitled to say no to sex if she doesn't want it! We all are - whether married or not. If he can't live that way they can get a divorce (or come to some other agreement - eg him getting it elsewhere), but what nobody should expect is for her to 'put out' as some sort of marital obligation. The idea is just so gross - shame on anyone who thinks this way.

BertieBotts · 23/12/2014 15:31

Agreed Juan.

arlagirl · 23/12/2014 15:34

Why would he be snapped up?
Sounds as if their sex life is pretty dull. She doesn't fancy him any more.

Annarose2014 · 23/12/2014 15:57

I bet she'd act completely blindsided and betrayed if he asked for a seperation, too.

I've seen so many threads from people who have non-existent libidos who are shocked when their nice pleasant spouse suddenly wants out. At first its like "Its completely out of the blue! We had a great marriage! We always enjoyed each others company!"

......Then a few posts later someone asks about sex and "Well its been a while - a few years - but I just never got back into it after the last kid and he never pestered me so I thought it was fine!"

And they keep looking for other reasons - its inconceivable that it might be a genuine factor.

I suspect what someone above said about the person with no libido thinking it can't possibly be that important is true. You simply can't imagine it being such a fundamental need for some other people. But for many, it would be a legitimate dealbreaker.