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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I feel sick- husband ran at me and put his hand around my throat

61 replies

OctoberCarrot · 22/12/2014 08:17

I am shaking. I feel sick to the core. I feel despondent. I feel desperate. I feel there is no way back. My husband ran at me and put his hand around my throat. I had finger prints. I have the photos. I have a 3 year old who was telling Daddy to be nice to Mummy. From reading threads on mn I am not surprised. Slowly but surely the EA has been escalating. We had booked counselling for January bit now there is no way back. What do I do? It is three days before Christmas. We have things organised. I am suppose to be with his family, not him as he has to work, in a couple of hours. Something for the children to enjoy. Should I go anyhow?

Why me?

OP posts:
Quitelikely · 22/12/2014 08:19

Call the police.

Mostlyjustaluker · 22/12/2014 08:21

I second calling the police. You do not deserve this, your child does not deserve this and you both need to be safe.

CogitOIOIO · 22/12/2014 08:32

Absolutely please call the police, get him removed from the home and report the assault. Tell his family that he's been arrested and that you can't join them. Do you have family of your own?

Joysmum · 22/12/2014 08:45

Call the police. You need this on record.

Anniegetyourgun · 22/12/2014 08:51

Abuse thrives on secrecy, on everyone else trying to carry on as normal around them and not rock the boat. (It's also depressingly common at Christmas, I understand.) If you carry on as normal now you will almost certainly end up convincing yourself that it was nothing much, it won't happen again, and (heaven forbid) even that you may have deserved it. And then of course it will happen again.

Violence in front of a child is violence to them, no visible bruises on their little bodies but deep, deep bruises on their precious minds. Let the first time be the last time your child was exposed to this.

Mostlyjustaluker · 22/12/2014 08:52

How are you feeling October? Have you been able to contact anybody (police, friend, neighbour ect ) for help yet?

GoatsDoRoam · 22/12/2014 09:24

I'm glad that you have read MN and are aware how your relationship fits the pattern of abuse. I know how hard it is to accept that this is our life, however.

There is no particular reason "why you", by the way. He does this because he wants to: you do not have any control over his hands when he puts them on your throat. It is his choice, completely.

It's Christmas, and you are in a state of shock, so the urge to just plod zombie-like through the motions of family Christmas is very strong. Many of us have been there too.

However, it is in your and your child's best interest to report this to the police. You have the photos. You know this is not right. You know there can never be another time when it's your 3 year old who is pleading daddy to be nice to mummy.

Please call your local police force and tell them you would like to report a DV incident. They will want to hear it.

((hug)) You can do this.

MatildaTheRedNosedReinCat · 22/12/2014 09:31

A man who does this in front of his child has very, very low boundaries and is extremely dangerous. Please do the right thing and report him.

Hope you are ok.xx

FunkyBoldRibena · 22/12/2014 09:33

Plus if you don't report it then nobody knows if you try and get any future orders sorted out. Call the police and report it. Do it today.

WhereIsMYJonathanSmith · 22/12/2014 09:37

Another one here to says you should call the Police.

It actually stopped my Ex once he knew I was prepared to get them involved he stopped with the physical abuse, sadly not the rest of it but it was still an improvement.

It is very damaging for your child to witness such behaviour so do it for him/her if not for yourself.

steerpike82 · 22/12/2014 09:43

I agree, call the police. Your child will be far more disturbed watching escalating abuse to DV than having 1 Xmas disturbed. More importantly at this moment, you have just learnt your husband could be a hazard to your health. Make sure he doesn't do it twice. The best of luck! Flowers

delaselva · 22/12/2014 09:50

This happened to me. My x made me a cup of tea five minutes later. Then he got annoyed i wouldnt accept the tea. He nwver acknowledged he'd done it though.

Go to your gp if you dont feel ready to report it.

GoldfishCrackers · 22/12/2014 09:51

I wish I'd gone to the police when my ex assaulted me. My life would have been much easier in terms of protecting my DC legally and by showing him that I would not be bullied. Don't make the same mistakes I did. I know it's a temptation to pretend it didn't happen, especially at this time of year (it happened Christmas eve for me). But it did happen and you have a chance now to stop it happening again.
Don't keep his secrets. Tell the police. Tell his family. Be open with your DD (she witnessed this so she'll be wondering what's next) that what daddy did was wrong, and you don't have to live with people who hurt you.

CogitOIOIO · 22/12/2014 09:52

Are you OK OP?

delaselva · 22/12/2014 09:54

Ps. Sod christmas. Do what is right for the rest of your life.

Annie's post is spot on. I found by not acting immediately i bought in to his script that it was n big deal. Then somehow it ended up feeling like it wAs too dramatic to leave!

SugarPlumTree · 22/12/2014 09:58

Our local police force have a radio campaign this Christmas, encouraging people to report Domestic Violence. They ask people to ring 999 if they hear it from their neighbours and say no one should have to put up with it. The Police will want you to report it.

So sorry you are going through this Flowers

ouryve · 22/12/2014 10:00

Use your fear and anger and shout it from the rooftops, Carrot. If you haven't done so already, call the police. Call his family and tell them you can't visit and why.

Don't let him get away with it and don't provide an opportunity for your poor DD so witness anything like this ever again.

Hope you're OK Flowers

AskBasil4StuffingRecipe · 22/12/2014 10:04

Please call the police OP, choking is one of the worst signs of abuse, it's one of the variables used to predict whether an abuser will kill his victim or not. Please treat this event with the seriousness it deserves, you cannot afford not to. This man has shown you who he is and he's bloody dangerous to you and to your child.

Christmas is a time when DV escalates. One very good reason to get this abuser out of your house beforehand. You'll either be walking on eggshells for the whole of the holiday period so that you don't set him off, or you and your child could have a safe, happy Christmas if you call the police today and insist on him being removed from the house and get an injunction out against him.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 22/12/2014 10:08

Call the police, that is how you protect your children. The best Christmas present you can give them, and yourself, is protection from an abuser.

GratefulHead · 22/12/2014 10:09

I am echoing everything Basil has just said. Hands round throat is a really high risk behaviour and one if the markers police use to assess risk of being killed. Men who do this are far more likely to kill their partner than men who don't.
Get the police now and get yourself and your child to a place of safety.

Namaste100 · 22/12/2014 10:15

Please listen to all above comments...If the EA has increased and it's now progressed to actual violence then you must act.. It's a bloody scary thing to do..and takes courage you may feel you don't have... But this is wrong and you can get help and support..I fully recommend contacting the police and Freedom Programme Charitable Trust,its dedicated to bringing 'Freedom' to those who need it. 24 Hour Help 01942 262 270 [email protected] on twitter @freedomprogramm
I'm a professional in this field so feel free to ask more questions.Stay safe.

Dowser · 22/12/2014 10:18

This happened to me too and I brushed it under the carpet and several years later there was another incident. He was a cheater and left me eventually. Even if he never does it again he will end up undermining you in other ways.

These people are very troubled people and take out their frustration and aggression on those who are deemed to be their nearest and dearest in a way a nice man wouldn't dream of.

The choice is yours but I wouldn't be surprised if later down the line he makes it for you.

I have a little fantasy where you go to the party and say loudly and proudly ' I nearly didn't come today as your son/ my husband had his hands round my throat this morning and I've informed the police.
tonight when he comes in I will show him the rolling pin and tell him if he ever attempts that stunt again he will get that round his head while he sleeps!

CogitOIOIO · 22/12/2014 10:30

I know you're not minimising the seriousness but it's not a 'stunt'. It's common assault. If a stranger walked in off the street and behaved in this terrifying and violent way, there would be no question about calling 999 immediately.

What I hate about these threads is that we have a woman shaking with fear, a traumatised 3yo and a violent man all in the same house..... and then it goes quiet and for all we know she could be lying dead on the floor, the life throttled out of her.

BlackeyedSantaStuckUpAChimney · 22/12/2014 11:54

honestly? you need to tell someone. this is a really serious dv event. if you are not up to reporting to the police go and see your gp or a friend who can do it for you, preferably while h is at work.

you are right there is no way back.

do not minimise it. do not try to get through christmas with him. you can make it ok for ds without your h. your three year old will rememebr even though you are not sure about that. my two year old rarely spoke but for months said daddy gone when we had to drive past the place where he assaulted me in the car and we drove off leaving him at the side of the road.

wishing you the strength to do something.

Windywenceslas · 22/12/2014 11:54

OP, please come back and confirm you're ok.

I hope you've called the police. Throttling is a very serious form of assault, the police will not take it lightly. He did this in front of your children. Please save yourself and your DC from this man.

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