I don't even know how to start this post or whether I'm going to sound like a raving loony but I'm so fed up and confused I need perspective, opinions, advice.. I'd be grateful for whatever anyone can offer as I'm blank.
As with most relationships, occasionally I get upset over something my DH has done or not done or said or whatever. This might happen maybe once a week or maybe once in two weeks. His reaction is starting to wear me down.
It usually goes that I tell my DH that I'm upset and why, as clearly as I can. Immediately he gets extremely defensive in body language (he stands still, stiffens up etc) but he puts on a confused face and pretends he hasn't heard or understood what I'm saying. So I have to repeat myself clearly again, using the same language, tone and words that I have just said. He generally then shrugs his shoulders as if to say I don't know what your talking about. So I explain myself again. Then he will either deny or say I'm wrong or tell me to get over things... but never ask me questions to see where I'm coming from, to see why I might have been so upset, never explains where he is coming from or why he might have acted the way he did.
I don't like to think of myself as a pushover, and I know I am articulate and precise when I speak (although that might seem a stretch going by this post sorry), so I generally persist with my point of view while looking at his blank expression. It's usually such a faff at this stage to keep repeating myself to someone who is clearly not interested and not going to engage with me. He goes quiet and won't talk to me, won't answer me, totally shuts down. Its so frustrating and exhausting that I generally let things go for the sake of peace, and if I'm honest, because I hate to see myself turn into some sort of nagging needy wife, so I generally say what's on my mind, explain why I wasn't impressed and then just get on with things. Our kids are tiny to we're both always busy in the house anyway.
However, in the last two weeks, two occasions have arisen where I have persisted with him when I felt he was in the wrong but ignoring me when I said I was upset. One occasion was after he said I was being lazy over a certain matter. I was not being lazy but I thought as we are both so busy day to day that he probably wasn't aware of the effort I was making and I tried to explain everything I was doing to show him I was not being lazy, but he wouldn't listen to me and instead shouted at me that I was just looking for a fight, and he wasn't going to stand there while I tried to pick a fight with him.. but I was simply defending myself against his accusation and he wouldn't listen.
The second time was this evening. I became upset with him after some really insensitive comments were made by a third party and I said I wish he had defended me and shown a bit of loyalty.
He again said I was trying to pick a fight and he wasn't going to listen to it, he stormed out of the room and a while later went to bed (don't live in the Uk).
I know in the morning he will go to work, I will do my day with the kids, he will come home and we'll do dinner and bed time routine and it won't be mentioned again.
But it is really starting to wear me down that nothing gets properly discussed or worked through. I have tried raising things again when heads are cooler and the kids are in bed but the same thing happens, I get met with a blank face, a shrug of the shoulders and eventually told I'm spoiling for a fight and he's not going to give it to me.
Is this gaslighting? Or is it just withdrawal on his part? Am I just a horrible nag? I feel like he can't cope with heavy discussions or even down right difficult discussions so he won't have them with me. But then sometimes I think he just hates to admit he might have been wrong and might need to apologise. He never apologises for anything, ever.
Is there something I can do to break this pattern and get him to engage with me?