Can someone be abusive in one relationship but not in another?

[43percentburnt]

My ex was an abusive arse. Typical textbook, he started being violent when I was 18, I can't remember if he was emotionally abusive previously. Told me his ex was psychotic, violent etc - me thinks, with hindsight, he wasn't telling the truth. He was quite a bit older, again I think this is typical.

When I involved the police he told me that they said they would arrest me.

When I tried to leave several years later the nice and nasty cycle would occur. He would shout abuse, stalk me at work, send abusive messages, be threatening.

I fortunately got away and am now having a wonderful life. I logged many incidents with the police over the years. I got the police to log it on the records of the county he lives in and two that he visits because I want his girlfriend to be believed if she ever needs to speak to the police.

But my question is, will he be abusive to her? I know she was previously with an abuser. Ironically my ex told me how he has threatened her ex as he wouldn't stop calling her and he had previously been violent. She is a nice person ( have only met her 4 or 5 times in 10 years but she seems genuine).

Can abusers stop being abusive with no outside help?

It just goes to show there are "degrees" of abuse and its a complicated area. I am no way an apologist for disgusting behaviour or abuse.

its not fascinating...at all. Its very hurtful to think that someone youve put a lot into just doesnt want to be with you. However, you cannot change this.

Im an advocate of if someone is causing you pain then you need to get out, whatever the degree, you owe it to yourself to be happy.

Trying to change a conversation about abuse into one about miss matched couples or none abusive relationships that just don't work and lumping it all together as abuse is quite crap really.

A shit relationship is not always going to be an abusive one.

It minimises abuse.

well the question was

can someone that was abusive to you go on and not be abusive in another relationship

its very possible

So, where does that minimise "abuse"

Tinks I think it might be better to refer to 'different types' of abuse rather than 'degrees'. Using 'degrees' quantifies different types or levels of abuse and puts them on a scale, if only in the minds of those of us who have been abused. My first marriage was physically abusive. My current DH was EA before he got counseling. Only I have the right to decide if one was 'worse' than the other and I'd certainly resent anyone who said "Oh, your DH was only EA, your first husband was much worse!".

Trying to put abuse into 'degrees' or 'levels' minimizes abuse. It says one thing is worse than another.

I don't know about in general, but I can give you the two experiences I have had.

I had an emotionally abusive ex. He was a bit controlling for the first six months but could also be really lovely so I ignored the controlling part - I didn't think it was anything to worry about and had not come across abuse before so just thought it was an odd 'quirk' of his. Thankfully I was only with him for a year after that, in which he was utterly vile, and it was easily the worst year of my life. He always told me it was my behaviour that drove him into rages (eg talking to male friends of mine) and told me lies about what other people had said about me to cut down my self esteem. I was a lively, confident, happy girl when I met him but by the time the relationship ended I was a broken, quivering, insecure wreck.

He got a new girlfriend 6 months after we broke up and she seemed a similar sweet, happy young girl, like I had been when he met me. Everyone loved her and they seemed to be the perfect couple which led me to believe it really had just been me that had led him to be abusive. However, when he dumped her by just not turning up to her DGM's funeral and then when she called him to ask why he wasn't there, just said 'I'm not coming, you're dumped', it all came out. Apparently he'd actually been eating away at her too and she had been putting on a front as she didn't want anyone to think she was in an unhappy relationship (I did exactly the same when I was with him). It has sadly really ruined her and she ended up stalking me for a while after he'd dumped her, even though he and I weren't in contact while they were together and are only in polite, saying hello in passing contact now (we unfortunately live nearby). He is now in another relationship and I guess only time will tell whether he will repeat the pattern again...

My other example is a close friend of mine's ex who is such a charming guy - good looking, intelligent, successful, fun, lots of friends etc. However, he gets insanely jealous and can't stand his girlfriends wearing tight/short clothes or talking to any men other than his own friends. He not only shouts abusive language at them but to 'get back' at them goes and flirts with other girls in front of them and gives them his number etc in a bid to make his GF jealous. My friend thank god eventually dumped him, and he has since repeated the pattern with his next 2 girlfriends.

Looks like most leopards don't change their spots - especially if they're not even trying to.

Maybe there are degrees of abuse, but a woman with a healthy self-esteem won't put up with even low level abuse. Why should she?

describing even a low level of abuse as a middle - ground is flawed. That seems to suggest that it is unreasonable to expect NO abuse .

"six of one and half a dozen of the other" & "middle ground" that's the kind of rationalisation that prevented me from leaving for too long.

Apologies there Tinks42, I missed a page. Fair play to you for taking back your comments. It's something I rarely see on MN !

fwiw, I believe that my x treats his current gf with a lot more respect than he treated me by the time i left but that's because she has her own job, her family are local unlike mine, I am not English, and she drives and could literally just get in to her car and drive off. So it's the contemplation of what he has to lose versus what she has to lose that prevents him being abusive right now. I believe he's always as selfish as he can be though. She probably doesn't notice that right now.