Can someone be abusive in one relationship but not in another?

[43percentburnt]

My ex was an abusive arse. Typical textbook, he started being violent when I was 18, I can't remember if he was emotionally abusive previously. Told me his ex was psychotic, violent etc - me thinks, with hindsight, he wasn't telling the truth. He was quite a bit older, again I think this is typical.

When I involved the police he told me that they said they would arrest me.

When I tried to leave several years later the nice and nasty cycle would occur. He would shout abuse, stalk me at work, send abusive messages, be threatening.

I fortunately got away and am now having a wonderful life. I logged many incidents with the police over the years. I got the police to log it on the records of the county he lives in and two that he visits because I want his girlfriend to be believed if she ever needs to speak to the police.

But my question is, will he be abusive to her? I know she was previously with an abuser. Ironically my ex told me how he has threatened her ex as he wouldn't stop calling her and he had previously been violent. She is a nice person ( have only met her 4 or 5 times in 10 years but she seems genuine).

Can abusers stop being abusive with no outside help?

[CheeseBuster]

Yes, people are different. People react differently to different people. Not to "victim blame" but some abusive men will abuse women with certain personalities but not others.

I've been with a guy who was the loveliest sweetest man on earth, he got done for DM on his next GF. I've also been with a guy who was terribly controlling after 2 weeks of dating, before we'd even shagged yet is now the perfect stay at home dad, husband of the year type supposedly.

[Handywoman]

Interesting question. Just heard form one of my dd that abusive ex has just met a new gf.

I feel know how this will play out: to people he is trying to impress (friends, family etc.) he portrays himself very convincingly as a wonderful, considerate independent man, committed, involved, loving father. My family and friends bought this image, new gf will be presented with it in spades. Regardless of any abuse between them, this is all a facade (in reality the man has no empathy, lives a miserable internal life in perpetual 'victim mode').

Whether or not he will go on to abuse her I feel depends on the dynamic of their relationship long term. If she stands up any possessive and shitty behaviour I think they will just break up. If she is meek and falls for his facade then yes, I feel she will be subjected to it too.

One thing that will minimise further abuse from him is the fact that he had a vasectomy years ago.





Becoming a dad really pressed his buttons and that's where the contempt crept in. Happily he won't be spawning any time soon

[BrowersBlues]

Handy, one of the reasons I didn't tell my EXH's new DP about the violence was because he was putting on his usual act of pretending to be a wonderful, kind, great parent, charming, intelligent person. He is a violent controlling bastard. Nobody ever knows what he is like unless they have lived with him or had a run in with him.

[dadwood]

Somebody said upthread that abusers are often dependent and need their partners. I believe this to be the case, often anyway.

I wonder if it is a good sign if somebody who has been abusive is single and independent for a while, because they want to be, rather than not being able to find a partner.

That way they might be able to grow up as a person and not depend on their partner for psychological reasons.

Do you think it's a good omen if somebody learns independance?

[Lj8893]

My abusive ex didn't abuse his next gf. But that was only because she abused him instead. They are still together and from what i have seen and heard, they have the most dysfunctional, volatile and dangerous relationship.

[Sallystyle]

My dad is a sociopath and abused my mum for years, as well as his first wife.

Then he met his third wife, who was only two years older than me and she was very vulnerable. I was sure he would abuse her but he didn't; she turned out to be the abusive one.

He didn't have a change of heart or personality though, he was still an arsehole to everyone and neglected all his kids, but he did not verbally or physically abuse her. I think it was simply that he was getting older and he does not do well with being on his own and he knew that she would leave him if he abused her and had many more opportunities than him to find someone else. I believe that was his thought process. He is still evil through and through but he needed her and knew that at his age very few people would put up with him. She ended up leaving him for a man her own age. He ended up living with one of his kids who seems to mother him and he seems content with that from what I have heard. For such an abusive arsehole he sure can't manage well on his own.

So no, he didn't go on to abuse his third wife, just everyone else.

[GoldfishCrackers]

Do you think you could ever be sure from the outside that someone was not abusive to their partner?

If you had an abusive partner, were they abusive from the outset? Or did it take until you were vulnerable, dependent, or invested? I think those who mentioned having DC as having been the trigger, this may be more to do with the abuser knowing you were trapped and vulnerable.

I'm not so sure there are 'strong personalities' who are immune to being abused, except to say that people with strong boundaries would leave sooner, at the early warning signs. But if the abuser keeps his mask on until their partner is vulnerable (eg pregnant, depressed, or bereaved, etc.) they're more likely to stay, at least for a while.

[CornChips]

I don't know.

I was with an abusive man for 2 years...it was mainly emotjonal- he was verbally abusive and used to put me down alot, and occasionally violent...he used to strangle me as a 'joke' until I would black out then claim it was my fault for not taking a joke.

We split 12 years or so ago and recently he got back in touch to ask how I was. I told him he was an arse, and an idiot, and a wanker and asked how he was going with his new wife (25 years younger, and a migrant). He told me that she is the regional manager for a well-known grocery store but he tells people she sells cabbages on a market stall so that 'she does not get above herself'... quote.

That told me he has not changed a bit.

FWIW- he is a petty, stupid, uneducated little man with a chip on his shoulder who enjoyed putting women who are vastly more talented down.

[SunshineBossaNova]

I really hope so. My abusive XH has children with his second wife. I really hope that he doesn't do to her what he did to me.

He asked me recently why I wasn't in contact and I told him bluntly. He still takes no responsibility for his actions, which makes me sad.

[MyAcheybreakyBones]

Iv wondered this my self and I dont think they change but every relationship had a different dynamic.

They are abusive if it is to their benefit.

[JoanHickson]

I wondered this too. I agree it can be triggers like vulnerability or having children that can escalate things. I think if they are savvy and independent it's probably ok to live with.

I think I would physically vomit if I had to be around my ex again. I don't know how I lived that life and how I could have been happy some of the time.

[HansieLove]

Sleeplessbunny, I'm so pleased you addressed your father as to his abusive behavior. You were taking care of the little child you used to be, all grown up and able to stand up for yourself. How did he take it?

[YvetteChauvire]

In a word, no. That's my opinion anyway. I believe the fundamental character of a person never changes regardless of who they are in a relationship with. The abuser may be able to suppress their abusive tendencies but eventually these tendencies do come out. Chances are that abusers does not believe they are abusers, and thus refuse to take responsibility for their actions and so are unable (unwilling) to change.

[Tinks42]

My opinion is yes, I have known men over the years to be "rather" abusive to one partner and not at all to another. But of course there is the person that continues to abuse.

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

Needs - many do raise witnessing dv as a child contact concern, typically you'll be told that its you with the issue, it isn't direct violence against the child etc. Even witnessing dv against their own parent isn't enough to change the way contact is viewed by courts, so witnessing it against a new partner means nothing

That's not actually true. The courts have to take domestic abuse into consideration and witnessing DA is considered to be child abuse.

It may not result in no contact at all but it can result in safer contact

[Meerka]

jeeze, cornchips. Strangle you til you blacked out? you were lucky to survive. He ought to be in prison.

[Tinks42]

Im not sure this thread was about how it's become. The one thing i dislike about mumsnet is that it always ends up with horrific, where a person may just be asking about something mediocre. Maybe Mumsnet would benefit by have some sort of "scale" going on.

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

Emmmm what part of domestic abuse is not horrific tinks ?

[Tinks42]

There seem to be no "middle" ground ever on here. Its a shame.

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

Ok then.

Physical violent abuse referred to in the op and you think that requires middle ground.

[Tinks42]

exactly.... stop having a go at me needs. the OP asked if people can change or act differently with others and i said yes they do. then all of a sudden my name needs to be bolded and you are trying to make an "example" out of me... stop it.

[Tinks42]

Im not an apologist. i just said that yes it can change in her case where it was severe, no. Dont get aggressive with me.

[HeffalumpsnWoozles]

My ex was mentally & physically abusive, he has gone on to remarry & asked for my forgiveness as he was having counselling. Thought it should be the other way round & that he apologised to me, either way there is no chance of me forgiving! He told me he has been abusive to his new wife too & she told him to seek help or she was leaving.

8 months or so down the line I suspect he has done it on two more occasions, so in his case change is unlikely.

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

Actually no, not ok then.

Violence and abuse against anyone but predominantly woman and children and you throw around crap like that.

Middle ground my arse. People who come out with shit like that are part of the reason why violence and abuse goes unchallenged.

So fuck off with your middle ground

[Spero]

Needs - many do raise witnessing dv as a child contact concern, typically you'll be told that its you with the issue, it isn't direct violence against the child etc. Even witnessing dv against their own parent isn't enough to change the way contact is viewed by courts, so witnessing it against a new partner means nothing

Agree that this is completely untrue. The courts have recognised for many years now that violence is a failure of parenting. The definition of 'harm' to children as been extended to include seeing or hearing some one else being abused.

This is the key case from 2000, discussing the work of Sturge and Glaser. www.bailii.org/ew/cases/EWCA/Civ/2000/194.html