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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Trapped with lazy partner

53 replies

Greyhorses · 20/12/2014 19:06

Sorry this will be long.

I have been with DP for 9 years in total. 8 of these were spent living apart as we met very young. I had spells 'living' with him at MILs but we have only lived together properly for a very short time.
Prior to this our relationship was very good.

Since moving in I have begun to resent him at all times. He literally does nothing, and I mean nothing at home. I have done all housework and DIY since day one.
He does have a full on job but I also work full time. I will ask him to do things but he literally just say no and then I do it. If I don't they won't get done. He once left a bowl for 6 days before I washed it.

I also take care of all pets as he forgets or won't and I don't want to neglect them. He has not changed a litter tray or walked the dog once. He wanted the pets and they are owned 50:50.

I have become so upset and frustrated today having spent 3 days tiling a kitchen and bathroom myself (except help from my dad) as he is tired and hungover. It's his turn to make tea but he has ordered a takeaway.

I can't live like this any more. If we argue he tells me to just leave. Problem is I have 10k tied up in this property and I can't afford to loose that. My family have given us 5k also that I will loose and he is the main breadwinner so I could never afford this place on my own and he knows it. I could go back and live with my dad for a while, but like I said I can't get my head around leaving and loosing all of this money and effort that I have put in and letting him have it all when he has done nothing for it.

Other than this, our relationship is good but it is being ruined by me being a constant assistant for him!

My friend said I should just carry on as all men are like this, I hope not! If I was to leave is there a way I could get out without loosing my family inheritance and savings? The house would not be worth any more than we paid 6 months ago, maybe less than we paid actually.

What a nightmare!

OP posts:

VitalStollenFix · 20/12/2014 19:09

Talk to a solicitor about how you would go about getting your money back.

I assume that you would prove what you'd put in and go to court to force a sale or him to buy you out.

Honestly though, you have to ask yourself, how much money is worth a lifetime of unhappiness.

You have choices. Seek legal advice.

Shakey1500 · 20/12/2014 19:10

You friend is outrageously wrong. And you are not trapped, you are choosing to stay. What price on happiness? Is your name anywhere on the deeds/mortgage?

BlackDaisies · 20/12/2014 19:12

I think you cut your losses and sell, on the understanding that you get back what you put in and split any other profit. Hopefully you should at least get your deposit back.

Original poster

Greyhorses · 20/12/2014 19:30

Thanks to all of you.

We could proberbly get back what we paid, minus selling fees but this would mean we owe as much as we would get back I think so it would leave us with pretty much nothing.
Our names are both on the mortgage deeds and we own the house 50:50.

My family have helped us out a lot and I hate the thought of letting them down and loosing all of their hard earned money and time (as well as mine!)

I have spoken to him and issued and ultimatum but it didn't work as he knew I wouldn't walk as I am not strong enough and hate to admit defeat. To be honest I don't think he would care if I did go.

Such a mess, if only I knew this would happen 12 months ago, but I thought he would sort himself out once it was his house. I have been such an idiot!

OP posts:

VitalStollenFix · 20/12/2014 19:35

No.
You'd only be an idiot if you chose to waste your life with someone for the sake of a few thousand pounds.
I am sure your parents did not intend their gift to you to make you feel trapped in unhappiness.
Money is just money. Its great and it's useful. But it's not more important than a happy life.

BarbarianMum · 20/12/2014 19:39

10k is a lot but it is worth a hell of a lot less than freedom from a lazy twat. Speak to someone about how you can get your money back but, if you can't, leave anyway. This is your life.

Shakey1500 · 20/12/2014 19:39

So you want to stay with someone who does fuck all, speaks to you like shit, undermines you, wouldn't give a rats arse if you were there or not and is rubbing his hands on a little power trip because he thinks/knows you're weak?

This is your life we're talking about! Don't waste a second more, you're doing it a massive disservice. Stand up tall, stretch that backbone and pack your things and go. Tell him to go stick his lazy arse ways.

thenightsky · 20/12/2014 19:40

Your friend is so far wrong as to be out of sight... all men are not like this at all.

Did you have no clue that he was a lazy bastard before you put up good money and took him on?

Before you make a move to leave him (and I think you must) look into how you are going to get your 15k back.

Original poster

Greyhorses · 20/12/2014 20:12

To be honest the clues were there that he was lazy but I assumed once he moved out he would change. He was always talking about how he would do DIY once we moved in and I had no reason to think he wouldn't as he even discussed everything we were going to do with the house. In reality though he has done nothing at all and I have spent every weekend on my hands and knees while he has lay in bed and watched films.
He then calls my family interfering for trying to help me when I'm struggling alone.

God I'm so stupid I never thought I would be the type of person to put up with this shit but it's difficult when I have known no different since 16 years old and have spent my life planning it with him. I feel like I will loose everything I have worked so hard for but maybe it's worth it to not have to feel like this!

OP posts:

Optimistletoe1 · 20/12/2014 20:12

Could you possibly pay him back the amount of the deposit he contributed and stay on in the house with a lodger to help you with the mortgage payments? Something to consider, since you've invested time and effort in the house by the sound of it.

AnnieLobeseder · 20/12/2014 20:17

He does not respect you. He thinks he is more important than you. He think you are there to serve him. This will not get better. This isn't just about a man who has come from living with his mum and just doesn't know how to do domestic chores - he is actively refusing to do them (because he thinks that owning a penis means they are beneath him) and threatening with ending the relationship rather than change.

He is telling you who he is. Listen. Don't even think about having children with this man. It's sad and I know you feel you may have wasted years with him, plus made a substantial financial contribution to your home. But those years and that money are a small price to pay compared to the long years of exhaustion, of resentment and of having your self-respect eroded to nothing. Get out while you can and be thankful he has shown you his true colours.

thenightsky · 20/12/2014 20:24

Opt's post is good... can you pay him to leave by giving him what he put in? Keep the property yourself and take in a housemate to pay back the loan you took out to get shut of lazy arse.

scarletforya · 20/12/2014 20:26

I can't get my head around leaving and loosing all of this money and effort that I have put in and letting him have it all when he has done nothing for it

The worst reason ever for staying in a shit relationship is because you feel you have to make good your time/money/effort investment. The thing is it just gets worse and ten years down the line the 'investment' is even more.

You've got to think of this 'investment' as sunk costs.

Cut your losses. Get legal advice and separate. Keep all your receipts and bank statements. You can prove what you've put into it. You said it yourself, you can't live like this.

VitalStollenFix · 20/12/2014 20:41

If you've wasted a few years and some money, let that not be reason to waste all your years and all your money.

PurpleWithRed · 20/12/2014 20:47

Leave. You live and learn. At least you don't have children - lucky escape.

GoldfishCrackers · 20/12/2014 20:52

You have only invested a year plus a few thousand pounds. That sounds harsh, and it sucks, it really does, but think how much worse you'd feel if you wasted a lifetime. He lied to you. You know you don't want this. Don't throw good time and money after bad.

Tobyjugg · 20/12/2014 21:02

Ever heard the expression "throwing good money after bad" because that's what you'll be doing if you stay. Anyway why should you leave. Wait till he's at work, change the locks and let him find his stuff outside the door.

WineWineWine · 20/12/2014 21:11

He will never change. Why would he? He's got his cake and he's eating it!

The only question for you, is how much longer are you willing to put up with it?

WineWineWine · 20/12/2014 21:12

And most men are not like this!!

newstart15 · 20/12/2014 21:13

Firstly separate the money and leaving issue.Do you want out of the relationship?

If yes, you will find a way around the finances & a place to live.Trust that..At worse you will come to terms with losing the money. You are still very young and I was a similar age when I committed to a relationship, despite knowing of issues.I eventually left but really wasted my 20's.Don't do what I dId, as it doesn't get better.

My dh has just finished cleaning the bathroom after doing diy.Your partner is a lazy bugger and I recommend you don't settle.You will lose respect and resentment builds. Good relationships are partnerships and sadly you don't have that. Aim higher and demand more from a man.

AcrossthePond55 · 20/12/2014 21:31

Don't put another penny into the property. No more DIY, no painting, nothing. It's not worth putting money into it when your future there appears unsure. Also, stop doing anything for him. Wash only your own dishes (and keep them separate), cook for yourself, etc, and clean only your own messes. Separate out your things from his and leave his alone. It probably won't change a thing but it will reduce your workload and possibly your frustration (a little).

See a solicitor as advised above and also consult an estate agent. If the solicitor tells you that you are out of luck without spending more in legal fees than you'd get back or the agent tells you that you'd never recoup anything from a sale then cut your losses.

Talk to your parents. Property is usually a good investment, perhaps they'd be willing to either help you or buy your lazy bf out themselves. In turn they would either have partial ownership and help on the mortgage (until you could get a tenant) or total ownership (and you'd rent from them).

sadanddisillusioned · 20/12/2014 21:48

I would say get out of this relationship now before you invest anymore money or more importantly, emotional energy into this relationship. I have been down that road. My DH left about two months ago after 27 years of marriage. He was a dreamer/promiser as well. Always buying up properties with visions of renovating them. He never willingly lifted a finger to do anything once we had moved in... I became a nagging harridan over the years with the sheer frustration of trying to get things done. God knows why I kept repeating the experience moving rung by rung up the property ladder with him. I guess with three children under 4 in tow my mind was a fog for years.

Don`t stay just because of the money you may lose. Get some legal advice and see what can be salvaged.

SolidGoldBrass · 20/12/2014 21:54

First, get legal/financial advice about how to get some or all of your money back and whether it would be easier to move out or get him out of the home. Then end the relationship, one way or the other. Then get to work on your self-esteem. Don't date or have sex for a year: get your boundaries and your knob radar working. You are very young and you are in a shit relationship - you need to sort yourself out before you date again or the next partner will be a knob, as well - at some point you got hold of some harmful ideas ie that you 'need' a man in your life and that men have to be placated and 'kept'.

MaryWestmacott · 20/12/2014 22:03

I assume you have no DCs? Then go. Sorry, but £15k is not enough reason to waste your life.

Ask him if he'd like to buy you out. £15k isn't that much to find, but if it comes to it, it's not that much to lose. It's a year at uni, and I think you've probably learned a hell of a lot more. As others have said, get legal advice to see if you can get it back, but ultimately, it's just money, your happiness is worth so much more.

Dust yourself off, start again.

(And next time, rent for 6 months first to see if you can actually live together)

MaryWestmacott · 20/12/2014 22:07

oh and you're only 25? Seriously, you might have planned your future round him, but most people haven't found their DH/W at 25, most haven't found the career they will work in, haven't even found the city they will settle down in. Building a future round him involves building a future about a crap idea. Start again with a new plan, or just no plan. You don't really need one at 25.

(oh and as for changing when he moved in with you, IME men are likely to be on 'best behaviour' prior to living together, it only gets worse, not better once you're together. Laziness is never sexy.)

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