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Original poster

Trapped with lazy partner

53 replies

Greyhorses · 20/12/2014 19:06

Sorry this will be long.

I have been with DP for 9 years in total. 8 of these were spent living apart as we met very young. I had spells 'living' with him at MILs but we have only lived together properly for a very short time.
Prior to this our relationship was very good.

Since moving in I have begun to resent him at all times. He literally does nothing, and I mean nothing at home. I have done all housework and DIY since day one.
He does have a full on job but I also work full time. I will ask him to do things but he literally just say no and then I do it. If I don't they won't get done. He once left a bowl for 6 days before I washed it.

I also take care of all pets as he forgets or won't and I don't want to neglect them. He has not changed a litter tray or walked the dog once. He wanted the pets and they are owned 50:50.

I have become so upset and frustrated today having spent 3 days tiling a kitchen and bathroom myself (except help from my dad) as he is tired and hungover. It's his turn to make tea but he has ordered a takeaway.

I can't live like this any more. If we argue he tells me to just leave. Problem is I have 10k tied up in this property and I can't afford to loose that. My family have given us 5k also that I will loose and he is the main breadwinner so I could never afford this place on my own and he knows it. I could go back and live with my dad for a while, but like I said I can't get my head around leaving and loosing all of this money and effort that I have put in and letting him have it all when he has done nothing for it.

Other than this, our relationship is good but it is being ruined by me being a constant assistant for him!

My friend said I should just carry on as all men are like this, I hope not! If I was to leave is there a way I could get out without loosing my family inheritance and savings? The house would not be worth any more than we paid 6 months ago, maybe less than we paid actually.

What a nightmare!

OP posts:
HansieLove · 20/12/2014 22:08

If it were me, I would consult solicitor and sell the house even if you both end up with nothing! Because why should he get it all?

Gawjushun · 20/12/2014 22:16

You're looking at this from the perspective of your sunk costs so far. You've 'invested' 10k and several years into this relationship, and you want something to show for it. However, the longer you stay, the more money and time will be thrown into this relationship, which frankly, sounds like a dead end. No, he will not change. And in a few years all that will be different is that you'll maybe have a lazy husband rather than a lazy partner, and will probably be raising babies and children with zero help.

A clean slate at 25 is not a bad thing. Embrace it, and go do something you want to do with your life. If you make any money from the house sale, then travel or do something fun. You deserve it for putting up with this lazy ass.

impatienceisavirtue · 20/12/2014 22:40

I lost a lot more than that walking away from my first marriage. It's shit but it's just money. For me it was worth every penny

And no categorically all men are NOT 'just like that'

Twinklestein · 20/12/2014 22:58

You're 25, you're not married, you're not trapped. You're free to sell and start over when you're still young. You can earn that money again but you'll never get the time back that you spent with him so the sooner you get out the better.

MaryWestmacott · 21/12/2014 07:32

Re not being able to afford the house alone, could your parents help you get the mortgage on your own/with them and then rent out the spare room to cover the shortfall between your wage and the mortgage? Just for a while til you build up some equity and can sell at a profit.

But otherwise, get legal advice. Can you talk to your parents about wanting out and see what they say?

£10k isn't that much. It's not enough to throw away your chance of happiness over.

ScrambledEggAndToast · 21/12/2014 07:40

Please don't stay with this eejit, he's making you miserable. He must think it's absolutely wonderful having someone who does everything for him, don't be that person. You need to find someone who will make you happy Grin

tribpot · 21/12/2014 07:44

Get the hell out of there now. And hopefully over time you can learn that your friend is wrong - not all men are like that. And even if they were, you can choose not to live with one and still be perfectly happy (and have a relationship with a man if you want).

Don't ruin your life for the sake of 10 grand. It will be possible to get that money back out eventually.

Hedgehogsbuzz1 · 21/12/2014 07:56

He needs to give you your 5 k back and you will then take your name off the mortgage.

In the meantime move in with parents and keep your name on the mortgage. You could always offer to rent out a room in the house to a male to cover your side of the mortgage/bills. Have the money paid to you, then you forward to ex so you have a record of the cash input you make

Hedgehogsbuzz1 · 21/12/2014 07:57

Sorry you need 10k back, not 5k

Hedgehogsbuzz1 · 21/12/2014 07:58

I bet his mother did everything little thing for him

tippytap · 21/12/2014 08:00

I agree with PP. Don't waste any more of your time with this man. How you feel now will get worse over the coming years.

Don't think about the relationship/money as an investment. It isn't. I guess like much of like its a calculates risk. This didn't pan out. Leave. You might have to live with your dad for a bit or rent, but the peace of mind you'll have will be worth it's weight in gold.

ThoughtItWasMine · 21/12/2014 08:03

I felt I was trapped in a relationshoip once - but I was only trapped in my head.

Get some legal advice about the money side.

Arrange new homes for the pets if necessary.

Don't live your life like this - do something about it, even if there's some finanancial loss. Better than wasting your life.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 21/12/2014 08:39

Try to get him to leave and take over the house yourself, or just go and seek legal advice.

Of course all men are not like this though there are a fair few that think they are our overlords and a fair few women who believe it. Don't be one of them.

Rebecca2014 · 21/12/2014 08:47

No not all men are like this. He sounds very manipulative, just telling you to leave if you don't like it. Maybe you should be calling his bluff? see if that wakes him up to the nature of the situation. So sad it has to get to that point though.

JuxaSnogUndertheMistletoe · 21/12/2014 16:11

Get a free half hour consultation with a solicitor, or with a few solicitors and choose the one you like best.

Find out what your rights are, what you can do to separate finances, and then get rid of him.

Good luck. Don't waste any more of your life beinga handmaiden and kitchen appliance for some ignoramt bloke.

Yes, there are loads of men out there who are not like this, but you won't meet any of them if you're stuck with this git.

12daysofpissedoff · 21/12/2014 16:39

Dont give up before your life together has got started properly. I agree with what Acrossthepond said. You're his partner, not his mother or assistant. Stop cooking for him, clearing up after him, doing his washing etc. You say the relationship is otherwise good, so make him work at it too. Ordering a takeaway instead of him cooking isn't the end of the world. Id also consider planting the idea in his head of of sending the pets to a new home and of getting a cleaner - see what he thinks about that.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 21/12/2014 17:21

Your friend is wrong. Not all men are like this. But some men are like this if women put up with it.

Are you one of those women ?

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat · 24/12/2014 12:17

"Other than this, our relationship is good." Op, it really really isn't.

lavenderhoney · 24/12/2014 13:49

I don't think your relationship sounds good at all. And don't revolve your life around pets. Find them new homes. They are another millstone round your neck.

Everyone's keen for you to settle down aren't they? Are you? Your friend is so breathtakingly wrong I wonder if he/ she has some kind of vested interest in your living the way you are.

Stop cleaning up after him, stop running round after him and i assume you aren't sexually attracted to this man any more? Don't do anymore work on the house at all, and get all the bills together for paint or whatever. Even if you move out, it's still legally 50% yours so you can force a sale or he buy you out. Or he gets bought out. But say to him you want to sell and go your separate ways and see what his solution is to your leaving ( I don't mean staying and trying harder!)

Make some plans to get out. Tell him you want to sell or he buys you out. Go to the cab or a solicitor. Don't try and change him or see what others advise on how to change him. You're the one living like that and it's a miserable life ahead.

Flat share or something. Learn to live without parents and boyfriends. Move cities for work, meet men who don't expect or want a domestic slave.

Hesaysshewaffles · 24/12/2014 18:22

I lived with someone like this for 7 years. We bought straight away and it was ok at first as I quite enjoyed being the 'housewife'. After that wore off I resented his 'casual' approach to home ownership. I did everything and I mean everything; the chores, gardening, DIY, cooking, paperwork/bills/legal stuff/finance, food shopping etc etc. He just said that I nagged him when I asked for help. In our last year togther we had a baby and it made highlighted my resentment, he never did anything. He then went on to have an affair with someone who never wanted his help round the house or nagged.

It was horrible circumstances to split, but fucking hell, in hindsight it's made me realise what a lazy fucker he really was.

I wasted so many years on him and wish I'd got out earlier to appreciate what having an equal partner could be (although yet to find one lol!)

Gfplux · 24/12/2014 18:38

Get out as quickly as you can. Frankly I would be out of the door today. Go have Christmas with your dad and Dort this lazy bugger out after Christmas.
Don't ruin your life with this s(;t

Somethingtodo · 24/12/2014 19:14

You are vvv lucky that it could only be your deposit you could loose and that you are not in negative equity with this fool.....

.....YET....

...who knows what way the property market in going in your area....might well drop and then you cant sell to clear the mortgage and move on.

Get out of the property tie-up NOW by either:

  1. Him buying you out (less fees to eat up equity)
  2. You buying him out (if you want to stay and can afford it)
  3. Selling up - taking a small hit (could be bigger later)
  4. Both move out and rent it out until prices rise and you can recover your deposit from a sale (risky - too much cooperation and trust required which he has demonstrated to date is not this thing).

But as everyone else has said its only money but believe it or not this is the best thing to have happened......you now know that he does not respect you - and you know that you wont stand for that -- in fact you have won the lottery and dodged a bullet.

Dont put yourself down - you are not stupid - you are an optimist who built her dreams around her man - he didn't deliver - and if you move on you are a very smart lady...

Good Luck sweetie -- be open with your parents they would be horrified that their lovely dd was being treated like this. They will know that he will not change - and they will want much more for you.

JenniferGovernment · 25/12/2014 09:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FunkyBoldRibena · 25/12/2014 10:19

You are 25 and have invested x % in a property. Make a note of these amounts [how much you invested and how much originally went in] and walk out the door and get yourself a new life.

When he needs to sell, he needs your signature to do so - or he will want you off the mortgage at some point. Then, you can get your money back. Either the £x plus interest, or a proportion of the amount it is worth then, or for the final profit.

I did this, it took around 15 years but I got my money's worth in the end.

Do not sign anything until your solicitor has negotiated your return on this investment. Unfortunately, your time doesn't work the same way.

oswellkettleblack · 25/12/2014 10:22

See a solicitor ASAP. What Solid says. I would tell him you are through, finished, after you see solicitor and find out exactly what you need to do about the house. He wants you to move out and leave him with it.

Re the pets. Ring the RSPCA and ask their advice. Rehome them. He wanted them, he looks after them or they get rehomed.

But first get legal advice. About ending it. All men are not like this. Twats are.

This relationship is over. Start mentally checking out.

And yy, to what Solid said.