Wanting someone you can never have

[charlotterosea]

I am feeling very confused about everything at the moment and would like to write my thoughts down. I appreciate any advice or similar experiences that people can offer. To give some background about me, I am single (LTR broke down 6 months ago) and late 20s.

I have developed feelings for a man at work – someone I definitely can’t ever have – and it’s beginning to really affect me. I have a stressful job that takes up many hours. This year, I was moved to a different department (to gain experience) and began working with this man, who is effectively my ‘boss’ because he is a middle-manager in that department. The problem is, he is engaged to another person in our workplace (who was actually my boss last year when I was in a different department.)

I have worked with him for about 5 months now and this huge crush came out of nowhere. I’m not often attracted to people but I find everything about him so endearing. He’s funny, interesting, thoughtful, witty and he makes me look forward to coming to work every day. We work in a very small team and one person recently left so we are basically together all the time. We can talk for hours about general things and I know a lot about his life. He often says he misses his life when he was younger, before he worked here because now he is stressed out and has no time for himself, which I can relate to. We are close to the same age so we often talk about nights out and university etc. He is really friendly and just seems to understand me.

After work, he will sometimes come to my area for a chat. Yesterday evening, we spent a while talking and I was getting my stuff ready to take to the car. We won’t be at work for a while as we have time off for the Christmas break and he was asking me about my plans. He helped me pack up the stuff I needed and asked me to text him over the holidays if I felt like chat or if I ‘get drunk over New Year’s Eve.’ We never really text or communicate out of work unless we need to talk about something work related so I thought this was a bit odd. Then went we went home, the last thing he said to me in the car park was ‘text me’.

It’s difficult because I know that nothing can ever happen (not that I even have any proof he likes me that way, I’m probably just being obsessive and stupid.) It would be a disaster both professionally and emotionally and the fall out would be enormous. I am friendly with his fiancée and see her every day too. I am very positive about the wedding whenever it comes up in conversation but he always seems negative about it. He often moans about how they’re spending too much money on it. I don’t ever comment on this though and as far as I’m aware, he has no idea how I feel about him.

Part of me would like to text him, just to hear from him, as I miss him when I’m not with him. I don’t think I should though. Some days I think about him a lot and I wish I didn’t because it’s pointless. I can never have him and I’ve tried to meet other men but I just don’t seem to like anyone else that way.

Why do I have to feel like this about something I need to see every day? It’s like my mind is trying to torture me with these ridiculous feelings. I imagine things about him that I really shouldn’t and then I feel really guilty and weird afterwards. Please don’t judge me for saying what I’ve said as I wouldn’t act on these feelings. It’s just making things really unpleasant for me as I can’t stop thinking about him.

[Bogeyface]

No one is saying that they couldnt end up together, but that the OP should stay away while he is still with his fiancee (how did she end up as a demented nagging bridezilla btw?! I must have missed a post as I didnt get that from the OP) as otherwise she risks being the OW in a work place affair and wrecking her career.

If he is unhappy in his relationship then he will (or should) end it, and at that point all bets are off and the OP can go for it if she chooses to.

[Pusspuss1]

Anyfucker, you made me laugh!

Why on earth shouldn't the OP look for a new job? It's a perfectly reasonable suggestion. No one's suggesting for a minute that she takes a demotion, just a move to somewhere new. People move 'good' jobs all the time.

The point of a move is that as things stand, either (a) something happens, which the OP says will be pretty much professional suicide where she is anyway, or (b) nothing happens, in which case the OP will be emotionally stuck on this frustrating crush for who knows how long, which will waste her time and energy when she could otherwise be meeting someone else. Bloke is naturally enjoying the attention, and will continue to fuel the crush for as long as he can. Fwiw, my feeling is that he'll go ahead and marry the fiancée either way.

If the OP moves job and removes herself from the situation, inevitably the crush will fade and she'll meet new people.

[BreakingDad77]

if I felt like chat or if I ‘get drunk over New Year’s Eve.’

If thats not an invite to sext, what is?!

This is like something out of Bridgette Jones!

He's your boss and he is being silly, she's a boss too, if anything happened she would be spreading it around the workplace in a flash about how you were a marriage breaker, fawning over him like a giddy girl, not that he was a lying shit.

Will you be able to move again to another dept, maybe back to fiancee?

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

Glad to hear it, Puss < takes a bow >

[bleedingheart]

He's totally putting the feelers out for some festive sexting.
If he doesn't want to be with his fiancee, he'll end it.
The fact she works with you too is another reason to avoid unnecessary contact.
It's a car crash waiting to happen.

[BlueBrightBlue]

OP has made it perfectly clear she doesn't want to get involved with this man as he is in a committed relationship.
Perhaps we could offer advice as to how she can deal with her feelings right now?
It's tough, I'm sure a lot of us have been in her position.
There is a lot of talk about the workplace being a sort of pressure cooker for crushes; but isn't that normal? I mean if you work with someone day in and day out, you really get to know that person.
I work with mostly women; there are those you are polite to, those you are chatty with and those you feel a deeper connection with and share my feelings with.
I think the same applies for opposite sex colleagues, sometimes you make a connection and sometimes you don't .He may or may not feel a sexual attraction for the OP, but I'd think that it would be better for her to not contact him during the Christmas holiday given that that it might lead to friction between all three parties.

[charlotterosea]

I've not seen him since Friday and I'm finding it so hard to stop thinking about him. It's really weird because I'm never like this over anyone. I'm starting to think I've fallen for him, like it's more than a crush.

I've tried to get my mind off it and I've set up a date for this weekend with another man I've been talking to for a while. He seems really nice but the thing is, I'm not excited about it because my mind is constantly on my workmate I want to contact him all the time because I miss seeing/talking to him every day. I know it's wrong and I'm hoping time will make it easier.

To the person who suggested moving to another department, I don't think that would help because I would still see him even then. Plus, I enjoy the work in this department much more (not only because of him.)

[Somethingtodo]

Dont be the one who crosses the line leaving a paper trail with a text.

He has crossed the line but done so verbally. It could be a trap or could be used against you if it all goes wrong.

If he is aware that you left your LTR a while back then the "drunk on NYE" comment possibly means he thinks you want/need sex.

He might have fallen for you - if he has - I hope he follows his heart and not his dick - and shows a bit of respect to you, his fiance and behaves with dignity.

This might well work out for you -- but you need to play the long game.

Christmas is a v stressy time for relationships - who knows - they may return in the new year with the wedding called off?

You are in an honest situation - if he wants you he needs to do clear his path and do all the running.

Even if they called it off - I would leave a nice 6 months of clear water before getting involved if you want a career....

Good luck - enjoy your crush....but keep it all in your head....hope for the best...but prepare for the worst...

[mynewpassion]

arriva35's guy broke off the engagement. This guy doesn't seem like he's there. Big difference.

[DrLego]

charlotte - is he my old boss?!! don't text, don't get hung up on it - remain totally professional at all times. If he wants to tell you somewhat more directly he likes you, then wait for that - but I bet it won't materialise. Until then, assume he's being a nice guy, some professional banter, an offbeat sense of humour, at best. Do not assume he likes you, even if he's making it obvious - some bosses manipulate people like this. It will cause enormous work difficulties for you before you're even aware of it. Do you want to lose your job for having a conversation, because it has been extrapolated out by HR? this can happen - and it's his fault. He should know better.

[christmaspies]

As I said before, let him text you . Why hasn't he, if he's so keen? I think he knows better than to put anything in writing.

[Purplehonesty]

See now I don't know, it's not ahead black and white. When I met dh we were both engaged to other people and planning our weddings.
I knew as soon as I met him that I couldn't marry my fiancé. We split up and dh and I got together.
I would never dream of cheating on him and he is such a lovely family man that he wouldn't either.
It just wasn't meant to be with the other partners and we realised that when we met each other.
There is no saying that this won't happen here.
But equally don't bank your hopes on it as he might just be getting cold feet about his wedding and will cheat then go on to marry her. That would be awful for you I'm sure.
Can you talk to him about it? Ask him if he really wants to get married the next time he says something negative about the wedding?
If he says yes he does then you need to back away and let it go. At least then you will know.
Good luck op its horrid having a crush I can remember my stomach churning when I used to see dh and thinking about him all the time.

[hollyisalovelyname]

Well OP what did you decide?

[charlotterosea]

I decided not to text him in the end. I am considering sending a 'happy new year' text (as I do to everyone at work anyway) but that's all. I have been trying to get to know men outside of work, though it is a slow process and he is on my mind a lot. I will see him when I go back to work in the new year but the distance has helped the feelings. Thanks for asking :)

[hollyisalovelyname]

If he's for you, Love will find a way.
Keep strong.

[Somethingtodo]

Well done Charlotte - would not send the NY text either - he might well misinterpret it....he is not to know you have sent one to others -- let sleeping dogs lie...

[wyamc]

I think you have a crush. But I really wouldn't pursue it - you're likely to lose your job over it one way or another - if only from embarrassment.

I have had them. Generally when I'm working more hours with someone than I'm spending time with my partner.

They pass. And it wasn't "meant to be".

Don't text him. It's your job, not his, that will suffer. Resist the urge.

[SolidGoldBrass]

Look, sexual attraction is not some magical outside force. You fancy this man, fair enough. He fancies you - at least enough to sniff around and test the waters as to whether or not he can get an illicit shag or two off you. The way he's approached it indicates that illicit shags are what he wants, by the sound of it. Remember these wise words - Don't Poke The Payroll.

It may well be that he doesn't want to marry his fiancee, and the engagement occurred out of intertia (they get on well enough, they've been together long enough, marriage is what all their friends are doing, etc). In some such cases, one person becoming strongly attracted to someone else is a positive thing as it terminates the inertia relationship before a wedding takes place or any DC arrive but this bloke sounds like the sort who will start a relationship with you, get a couple of shags in then 'let' his fiancee find out so he can then enjoy a few months of happy handwringing, extra sex, being the centre ofattention and two women frantically doing the Pick Me dance.
Use what's left of the festive season to flirt, snog and hopefully get a shag or two off people who are nothing to do with the workplace. That should help you get over the crush quickly enough.

[NoRoomAtTheGin]

Send a text, but say 'Happy New Year' to all my friends at work'

[Somethingtodo]

Would not even do that "NoRoom" as he might read something negative into it -- ie cold shoulder....when there is still an ickle chance that he has fallen in love with OP and is in the process of dumping the fiance over the holidays!

[Surreyblah]

Don't bloody text him, even happy new year! Sounds like you all need better boundaries at work. For example Inappropriate and unprofessional to be having hours of talk on personal stuff while at work.

[Bogeyface]

Yep I agree, dont text him HNY, it will give him the "in" that he has been looking for. Before the end of tomorrow you could find yourself in that back and forth texting situation that you have been trying to avoid.

[charlotterosea]

Surreyblah, the chats we have happen after work has finished for the day. The nature of our job is that most people stay for an hour or so after work to finish off or plan things for the rest of the week. From about 8am to 5pm, I hardly see him. I have never been 'unprofessional' while working. I would get fired pretty quickly if I was.

Thanks everyone, I guess I won't text him then. Clearly it's not like he's fussed about texting me anyway.

[Somethingtodo]

Fingers crossed for you Charlotte that he is untangling himself from his fiance as we speak.....interested in his request for a drunk HYE text - do you know anything about his xmas/NY plans -- does he live with his fiance....has she separate plans for NYE?

[Somethingtodo]

HYE???? HNY!