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Original poster

Wanting someone you can never have

105 replies

charlotterosea · 20/12/2014 13:52

I am feeling very confused about everything at the moment and would like to write my thoughts down. I appreciate any advice or similar experiences that people can offer. To give some background about me, I am single (LTR broke down 6 months ago) and late 20s.

I have developed feelings for a man at work – someone I definitely can’t ever have – and it’s beginning to really affect me. I have a stressful job that takes up many hours. This year, I was moved to a different department (to gain experience) and began working with this man, who is effectively my ‘boss’ because he is a middle-manager in that department. The problem is, he is engaged to another person in our workplace (who was actually my boss last year when I was in a different department.)

I have worked with him for about 5 months now and this huge crush came out of nowhere. I’m not often attracted to people but I find everything about him so endearing. He’s funny, interesting, thoughtful, witty and he makes me look forward to coming to work every day. We work in a very small team and one person recently left so we are basically together all the time. We can talk for hours about general things and I know a lot about his life. He often says he misses his life when he was younger, before he worked here because now he is stressed out and has no time for himself, which I can relate to. We are close to the same age so we often talk about nights out and university etc. He is really friendly and just seems to understand me.

After work, he will sometimes come to my area for a chat. Yesterday evening, we spent a while talking and I was getting my stuff ready to take to the car. We won’t be at work for a while as we have time off for the Christmas break and he was asking me about my plans. He helped me pack up the stuff I needed and asked me to text him over the holidays if I felt like chat or if I ‘get drunk over New Year’s Eve.’ We never really text or communicate out of work unless we need to talk about something work related so I thought this was a bit odd. Then went we went home, the last thing he said to me in the car park was ‘text me’.

It’s difficult because I know that nothing can ever happen (not that I even have any proof he likes me that way, I’m probably just being obsessive and stupid.) It would be a disaster both professionally and emotionally and the fall out would be enormous. I am friendly with his fiancée and see her every day too. I am very positive about the wedding whenever it comes up in conversation but he always seems negative about it. He often moans about how they’re spending too much money on it. I don’t ever comment on this though and as far as I’m aware, he has no idea how I feel about him.

Part of me would like to text him, just to hear from him, as I miss him when I’m not with him. I don’t think I should though. Some days I think about him a lot and I wish I didn’t because it’s pointless. I can never have him and I’ve tried to meet other men but I just don’t seem to like anyone else that way.

Why do I have to feel like this about something I need to see every day? It’s like my mind is trying to torture me with these ridiculous feelings. I imagine things about him that I really shouldn’t and then I feel really guilty and weird afterwards. Please don’t judge me for saying what I’ve said as I wouldn’t act on these feelings. It’s just making things really unpleasant for me as I can’t stop thinking about him.

OP posts:
BuzzardBirdRoast · 21/12/2014 10:25

Delete that number before you have a drink and get tempted!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 21/12/2014 10:56

WildBillfemale Sun 21-Dec-14 09:08:36

I think you should find yourself a new job and leave them to it

Really?!! lol it's not really a practical suggestion now is it!

This suggestion always makes me guffaw with laughter when I read it on mumsnet, It's rarely a suggestion made by a single woman usually by a woman subconciously terrified her own partner will find someone else in their workplace and leave her.
These situations are best tackled head on and by communicating, not by moving jobs every time you were attracted to someone at the workplace, it's ridiculous to even suggest it.

I agree completely with WildBill here. The advice from some quarters is definitely questionable and just demonstrates the fear that some women have and inability to trust. This makes them present their own agendas every single time. It's tedious really.

deserttrek · 21/12/2014 10:57

and he makes me look forward to coming to work every day

So time for a new for other reasons, perhaps?

deserttrek · 21/12/2014 11:22

new job, I meant

hollyisalovelyname · 21/12/2014 12:46

Perhaps he is having second thought re his impending marriage.
Perhaps he has fallen for you.
It can and does happen.
The relationship might be stale but both parties won't admit it ( with his fiancee).
If he is a nice man he will break up with his fiancee THEN pursue you.
Better an engagement break up than a marriage breakup.
Don't fan any flames at all.
Don't give him any encouragement.
Don't text.
Wait and see.

Wrapdress · 21/12/2014 16:59

At the large corporation where I work, relationships between boss and underling are grounds for termination.

BlueBrightBlue · 21/12/2014 17:39

Holly ,you speak complete sense,
A good many engagements do break up. Sometimes there is a sense of obligation to propose after a long courtship.
Maintain no texting or calls.
Only time will tell if you are meant to be together.
You are both young; there are no children involved. Wait it out and see what happens.
I suggest you join a dating site or whatever and seek some distraction from this awkward situation .

WildBillfemale · 21/12/2014 17:42

OP just go for it,

They aren't married, he's clearly having doubts, all's fair in love and war

carlywurly · 21/12/2014 17:55

Yeah just go for it cause he's obviously a great catch, it would make you feel like a brilliant person and that wouldn't make it awkward with his ex at work Confused

I worked with one of these. He dicked his fiancée about, she took him back, they got married and managed 3 years before he moved on to the next colleague and now has a baby with her too. He was very charismatic. Nearly got me once, years ago, until luckily I came to my senses at the 11th hour and ran a mile.

delaselva · 21/12/2014 17:57

I agree that she should stay in the good job she has.

But single women do need to be careful not to do or say anything that will come back to haunt them later. I know myself, you have a cup of tea with a married man and you're the one who ends up looking like you ran after him.

Joining a dating agency not a bad idea. I'd tell him too. Don't tell him 'i'm here if you want me' (omg no) but if you tell him you're joining a dating agency then that'll help him marshall his thoughts and galvanise him in to action. or not as the case may be and if that is what happens then hopefully the new men will have distracted OP

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 21/12/2014 18:58

Bill ugh

Fiftyplusmum · 21/12/2014 19:19

Don't text him. Get to know some nice men outside of work. Relationships outside of work are always preferable. Befriend his fiancée, be her friend, make sure he knows you are friends with her.

Snowgoose1 · 21/12/2014 19:42

Good luck OP, try and stay strong. Not texting him and cutting down on contact with him at work is a good idea. The more you see him the more you will fuel it.

It is hard to get someone out of your head if you still have to see them regularly. Being busy helps, but doesn't make your feelings go away. Normally the best way is to meet someone else, but if you rarely like anyone and have tried unsuccessfully to meet someone else it makes it really difficult.

If you find yourself tempted try and remind yourself how shit you would feel speaking to his partner if you were having an affair. How you would feel thinking of them together, of the consequences at work.

christmaspies · 21/12/2014 20:07

If he is genuine the texts should come from him, not the op. He should be the one wh takes the risk in the first place. As it is he has nothing to lose. Don't text him OP and if he ever asks why you didn't tell him you were waiting for him to text you

Tinks42 · 21/12/2014 20:09

I personally think "Bill" is a ugh name too.

I love "bill" Grin

Viviennemary · 21/12/2014 20:15

Difficult to say. But you are being a bit overdramatic about this unrequitted love business. He's engaged and not married yet. So if this person isn't right for him it's probably better he breaks off the engagement rather than goes ahead and marries somebody if he's not sure. Can't see why a relationship with this man couldn't develop eventually.

Pandora37 · 21/12/2014 20:44

Another vote for don't text him. If he's having cold feet about his wedding then he needs to come to the conclusion to call it off on his own without involving you in it. The fact you work with his fiancee as well makes it even worse, if he was trying to hit on you then wow, he's brave attempting to do that right under her nose.

Please don't get involved, you say your job is stressful already, it will be even worse if you add this on top. Workplace crushes are quite common and I can understand how in a stressful job it can easily happen. But you don't really know this man at all. Maybe we're too cynical and he just wants a platonic friendship but him inviting you to text him whilst you're drunk over New Year's Eve is a bit...dodgy I think. Leave well alone is my advice.
I suspect he is aware of your crush and is trying to take advantage of that which isn't nice.

Do everything you can to distract yourself from him, go out, have fun and keep busy. I'd avoid having friendly chats with him as well and keep things strictly professional and hopefully the crush will wear off in time. Hugs to you though, it sounds miserable.

Lomega · 21/12/2014 21:34

Please...don't text him. If he is so willing to lead you on like this it shows what sort of man he is. Even if he does break off the current engagement to be with you, what's to stop him doing it again in future with someone else? And how awkward would it be for you with his current fiancée at work?!

If he breaks off the relationship with this woman in his own time and space in the future, with no texts/flirting/suggestion from you, then by all means give it a few months then get in touch...but all the while he is still with another lady, it would be wrong to force the situation. He needs to realise in his own mind that his relationship isn't working.

WildBillfemale · 21/12/2014 22:32

OP look it's Christmas, he's clearly got reservations about marrying Bridezilla, now is your perfect opportunity, the one time of year where you can go for it and if it backfires put it down to Christmas cheer. Conducting your life in neat paragraphs finished with a big full stop just does not happen in real life,everyone wants it to but it rarely does and you need to take a few risks in life. Besides all this nonsense about his demented fiancee is not your concern, you didn't cave to her nagging and buy the ring. He did, its clear she wants the big show wedding and she can always nag her next boyfriend for one. I digress, you're a long time dead OP, love strikes when you least expect and you have to grab it wholeheartedly.All this analysis and trying to do the right thing means love can and will pass you by.........

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 21/12/2014 22:35

Bill, Take A Break called and they want their copy back

WildBillfemale · 21/12/2014 22:41

Oh oh oh! My sides my sides! I can't stop laughing fucker! You're so funny!

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 21/12/2014 22:57
Wink
Arriva35 · 21/12/2014 23:13

I met my husband at work many years ago, so long ago that there were no mobile phones. Texting was not an option for us as it didn't exist, we just had to rely on 20th century technology i.e. landlines.

He was engaged to someone else at the time, although she did not work at the same establishment. So our story has some similarities to OP.

He broke off his engagement and we got married. We have three children. He is the love of my life.

I can't say what is right or wrong for the OP but if I had taken the advice of the majority of posters on this thread, I would never have got married, would never have enjoyed a long happy marriage and would not have my 3 kids.

WildBillfemale · 22/12/2014 07:19

Excellent post there from Arriva35

see OP - proof from the black and white days that it can and does work out.............

FindoGask · 22/12/2014 07:35

Look, if it really is "meant to be", he should break it off with his fiancee first before pursuing anything at all, even at the level of furtive texts. Anything else is grubby and demeaning.