Wanting someone you can never have

[charlotterosea]

I am feeling very confused about everything at the moment and would like to write my thoughts down. I appreciate any advice or similar experiences that people can offer. To give some background about me, I am single (LTR broke down 6 months ago) and late 20s.

I have developed feelings for a man at work – someone I definitely can’t ever have – and it’s beginning to really affect me. I have a stressful job that takes up many hours. This year, I was moved to a different department (to gain experience) and began working with this man, who is effectively my ‘boss’ because he is a middle-manager in that department. The problem is, he is engaged to another person in our workplace (who was actually my boss last year when I was in a different department.)

I have worked with him for about 5 months now and this huge crush came out of nowhere. I’m not often attracted to people but I find everything about him so endearing. He’s funny, interesting, thoughtful, witty and he makes me look forward to coming to work every day. We work in a very small team and one person recently left so we are basically together all the time. We can talk for hours about general things and I know a lot about his life. He often says he misses his life when he was younger, before he worked here because now he is stressed out and has no time for himself, which I can relate to. We are close to the same age so we often talk about nights out and university etc. He is really friendly and just seems to understand me.

After work, he will sometimes come to my area for a chat. Yesterday evening, we spent a while talking and I was getting my stuff ready to take to the car. We won’t be at work for a while as we have time off for the Christmas break and he was asking me about my plans. He helped me pack up the stuff I needed and asked me to text him over the holidays if I felt like chat or if I ‘get drunk over New Year’s Eve.’ We never really text or communicate out of work unless we need to talk about something work related so I thought this was a bit odd. Then went we went home, the last thing he said to me in the car park was ‘text me’.

It’s difficult because I know that nothing can ever happen (not that I even have any proof he likes me that way, I’m probably just being obsessive and stupid.) It would be a disaster both professionally and emotionally and the fall out would be enormous. I am friendly with his fiancée and see her every day too. I am very positive about the wedding whenever it comes up in conversation but he always seems negative about it. He often moans about how they’re spending too much money on it. I don’t ever comment on this though and as far as I’m aware, he has no idea how I feel about him.

Part of me would like to text him, just to hear from him, as I miss him when I’m not with him. I don’t think I should though. Some days I think about him a lot and I wish I didn’t because it’s pointless. I can never have him and I’ve tried to meet other men but I just don’t seem to like anyone else that way.

Why do I have to feel like this about something I need to see every day? It’s like my mind is trying to torture me with these ridiculous feelings. I imagine things about him that I really shouldn’t and then I feel really guilty and weird afterwards. Please don’t judge me for saying what I’ve said as I wouldn’t act on these feelings. It’s just making things really unpleasant for me as I can’t stop thinking about him.

I agree that the text idea is terrible.

Apart from anything else, how the hell is that going to look if his fiancee sees it? He will make out that you are some obsessed bunny boiler and that he has no idea why you sent it, she will believe him because she wont want to consider any other possibilities and there goes your career.

Yeah, I agree. Any non-work texting to him is an invitation - no matter what the text says.

He wants you to cross the line first by making the first non-work text. Don't do it. He's manipulating the situation so he can prove you went "unprofessional" first. He will deny or never admit to telling you to text him. He is setting you up.

To help with the emotional attachment side of these things, I just tell myself, "Well maybe I will be with him in another lifetime or 20 years from now if we are both available."

Either he's looking for a last fling or he's got himself into a marriage that he's not 100% about & is too weak to do the right thing and call it off.

Either way you need to keep out for your own sanity.

Something2say
I don't agree that would put Charlotte 'on a plate', and make her a victim.
Not sure where you get that from?!?
She would be very clear personally and professionally. He did step over the mark, in my opinion.
And a text is not some 'easy emotion' boss to employee communication metered out verbally when nobody is around. Like he did, without being accountable at this time to his firm or his fiancée.
If she does nothing, well he will come back, nibbling, in the New Year.
And it is OK to do nothing now, and keep deflecting those attentions.
The only question is, why not take control now of that situation and be clear with him? For every conceivable reason.

It is really hard "taking control" of a situation when you are the underling and you are dealing with a boss/manager. It is extremely risky.

The text would look a bit unhinged. It's out of proportion with what's happened so far. Much better to do absolutely nothing.

OP, just in case that company/job is worth anything to you (though you suggest it may not be), then if you do not take control at least keep copies of these threads, emails and a hand-written note of what happened.
These things are all very real.
Good luck.

Thanks for all of your thoughts. It's really opened my eyes to what this situation looks like from the outside. I am not going to text him and I will try to resist temptation to speak to him all the time at work (although it is hard.) I don't want to be the centre of a messy situation with everyone gossiping and judging me, as that's what would happen if I did take it further and everyone found out. It's so rare for me to like someone this much but I need to try and get over it.

Whatever you do - don't text him. Not even the "If you ever become single..." text. Why should you have to point out to him that he needs to be single before pursuing something with you? If this is not something he ALREADY KNOWS - then he's the wrong kind of guy. It shouldn't need to be said. Unless you don't mind entering into a relationship with someone who will do exactly the same to you the moment his interest manifests elsewhere, even if he does dump his fiance first (and only because you told him so).

There is a small chance that perhaps he is genuinely in love with you, and that you are meant to be together,
Please don't contact him; he will have ample time to mull over his feelings.
Sometimes we meet our match when we are least expecting to.
People and there feelings seldom adhere to what are deemed as textbook scenario's.
Only time will tell.
FWIW he doesn't sound like a player to me.

And a relationship should end solely on the basis that it is not working out, and that one or both are unhappy. Not because someone better came along.

Agree Mom.

Its been made abundantly clear that you shouldn't take his bait by texting. I've just come on here to comment on the crush and unbearable feeling of thinking about him all the time as you describe.

I've been there OP, I know that feeling. It's a product of circumstance - you're together a lot in work, so it's hard to see outside that bubble and easy to become obsessed. Why not give yourself a little test over the Christmas holidays. Don't cntact him, try to get out a bit and mix with other people, see if he still seems as attractive once the intense pressure cooker effect of work has died off a bit.

I'm a terrible romantic, and spent far too many years believing that every man was 'meant to be' , I thought my life would be like The Bridges of Madison County, and I threw myself into every crappy crush / fuck buddy / relationship believing this was the one. They never were.

Crushes fade. Don't fuck up your career and your reputation for one.

I also think the text is a v bad idea. You are openingthe lines of communication outside the work environment. Even if it's to tell him you can't text!! You just have if you sent it and he will reply. If he wants to act inappriopriately let him. But you would be putting alot at stake. And frankly from what you have written i don't see him as something you should risk your career and respect from your colleagues.
I work in the same set up as you. Office environment. I have seen men married/engaged and in long term relationships have affairs, inappropriate behaviour. I have also seen women do this.
Most of the time the female is attracted to the 'boss' because of his position of power, his ability to converse well with staff, his all round aura of unattainable. I believe you think he is perfect because it's the age old , you what you know you can't have/shouldn't have makes you want it more.
There is nothing wrongwith colleagues having a banter. Office life is like that. Or to talk about their private lives. Even moan about it. I hear it everyday. Some men do it to sound less under the thumb to their colleagues. If he's openly negative about the wedding, you can be sure that news will travel and his fiancee if in the same companywill hear. But it isn't a open door for you to engage with him. Next time he does it cut him short. Get on with your work, it's easy to do. I do think he's having an ego stroke. he's in a position of power here and using it. Which to me is not a characteristic in a man I like. Low on the integrity scale.
We all know what it's like to have a serious crush or infatuation. But generally it disappears as quick as you had it and you think how the hell did i not see how crazy that situation was.
He is your boss. He's acting inappropriately and I believe not cos you are his soulmate and he is worried he's marrying the wrong woman. It's a buzz and powertrip for him.
Be careful these type of men are rarely worth it and will rarely stick up for you if you were called into HR! He'll make sure he'll keep his nose clean.

And OP, there are a few replies here that have suggested he could be in love with you, however small.
I totally disagree from what you have written here. I'm sorry to tell you. If that was the case in the organisation i am in, well it would mean that we're all in love with each other. In an office environment it can become 'family' like or close knit or even too comfortable, due to social events/lunching and close quarters, but hardly falling in love.

It's not a crush if the attraction is mutual and people meet and sometimes develop feelings wherever they spend time together, the office environment is one that allows people to spend time together, as are long public transport commutes, sports clubs, committees, gyms etc. Not sure why people are so quick to dismiss and ridicule attractions in the office, projecting personal fears maybe?

Anyway OP I'm with the minority here, I don't think he sounds like a player.
Of course non of us really know, you alone have to judge his motives but it sounds like you have a connection. If men are really interested they are around you and he is.

He's put the ball in your court. It would get messy even if he ended it with his girlfriend and got together with you so only you can gauge the depth of your feelings and if this is a risk worth taking. Maybe you need that one text so you can have that conversation - you would know where he's coming from. Life and emotions are messy, there are rarely neat sections of endings and beginnings with no overlap much as everyone would like.
I've seen it all in the office environment too, crushes, harassment, budding romances, affairs, broken engagements, divorce, remarriage and........happy relationships develop when colleagues fall in love, sometimes when one or both weren't initially free.

If you want to meet him for sex, then text him. It might even lead to a 'relationship' of more likely an affair. But you'll always know what type of man he is - one that can cheat on his DP. Is that what you want? Surely you can do better.

Yawn.....someone will be along to bleat on about Oxytocin and crushes in a minute

I agree that the text suggested above is totally OTT. No text at all would be far preferable.

I think you should find yourself a new job and leave them to it. Move on yourself and get out of the way of temptation. Otherwise, this sort of BS (on his part) and the crush, on yours, can rumble on for years, wasting everyone's time and emotional energy. I've seen this at work lots of times.

I think you should find yourself a new job and leave them to it

Really?!! lol it's not really a practical suggestion now is it!

This suggestion always makes me guffaw with laughter when I read it on mumsnet, It's rarely a suggestion made by a single woman usually by a woman subconciously terrified her own partner will find someone else in their workplace and leave her.
These situations are best tackled head on and by communicating, not by moving jobs every time you were attracted to someone at the workplace, it's ridiculous to even suggest it

Ive read the thread and I agree that text, aye aye no no no. If my friend had sent that I'd feel nauseated on her behalf that she played all her cards like that. He gets the ego boost he was after "I could have her if I wanted her".

If you say anything to him at all (say, not text) I'd express mild surprise along the lines of, gosh, turns out my first impressions about you weren't quite on the nail. Code for 'you're a dick mate'. See if he can crack that code. If he can it's the opposite of an ego boost.

You're worth more than a sleazy affair with a guy at work who is planning his wedding!!!

Repeat that mantra to yourself if you are even tempted to text him.

Well it doesn't matter if he is a 'player' or not. What does matter is what is happening between you.

As almost everyone has said, leave it and it should die a death if you don't fuel it, especially as you work with his fiancée and he is getting married.

I agree that I don't like the 'just get a new job' advice offered on these types of threads. I was in my last job for 20 years quite happily! Why would I want to change jobs every time there was a brief flirtation/someone made a pass?

I think you should find yourself a new job and leave them to it

Just like that eh? The OP should leave what sounds like a fantatic job just cos she has a bit of a crush on a bloke at work? I seriously think some mumsnetters live in some kind of parallel universe where people just walk in and out of jobs with no hassle whatsoever ....

Fwiw, not work texting the guy. Let nature take its course. He must know you like him and if he likes you in the same way, he will a.tell you and b.also tell you that he is prepared to call his engagement off.