Have this evening found out that h has been lied to me about an investment property which he has bought

[whatnow2]

which he didn't tell me about at the time.

I found the documents relating to this property along with those of a property I do know he bought (which he was open about) a few months ago, but when I asked him outright if he had bought this shop, he said that he had been planning to but had pulled out. Stupidly I chose to believe him .

Fast forward a few months and I gather from his movements that he has recently started using the premises. The penny dropped because of how defensive he was about where he was going today, obviously trying to hide what was in the boot of the car (which he was bringing there), and then an outright lie he told at the dinner table tonight. He also got very defensive when I asked him for some details telling me to "stop it" and "occupy myself with something else".

So the penny finally dropped. Those documents were real and he has started using the premises. He also lied the other day when I think he was there setting up (he was gone for hours), telling me he was somewhere else when I rang. Except that I could hear a loud radio in the background and the place he was talking (lying) about is a very quiet yoga school.

So then it took the easiest detective work imaginable to confirm what I thought. I found a business rates document at the top of his pile of paperwork left out . I also did a search on the land registry and sure enough the property does belong to him .

I have started a thread about this on AIBU but I don't think I worded it right. I really wanted, if possible, someone's opinion this evening as I have just found out and am a bit shell shocked.

There is stuff about me that h does not know either, but somehow I think his is worse . I can go into my stuff too but I really wanted an opinion on the above before I divulge what is going to take ages to write down.

Bottom line we obviously don't trust each other at all, but being lied to directly like that (and several times) is .

I think the OP is already giving the 'lie by omission' too much significance. The danger of thinking that they are both as bad as each other is that it will rationalise sticking around for more contempt and derision. Two wrongs don't make a right but a whopping great big wrong is much more serious than a minor one.

'misinterpreting and getting angry'

Or more accurately.... understanding perfectly well but blowing up anyway in order to intimidate you back into your box.... Bullying

I think h would like me to be completely trusting and adoring because fundamentally he knows he is trying to look after us in the best / only way he knows how. He sees my lack of trust and talking to other people a betrayal of him. Maybe it is, I don't know.

You really think that, don't you? Everything he's doing - and be under no illusion - is for his own personal satisfaction. He does not see you as on the team. You're at best irrelevant and at worst an obstacle. Plenty of men (and women) are capable of working hard and being ambitious and still manage to be honest, open and inclusive with their families.

BTW. ... you don't have 'lack of trust' you are dealing with an untrustworthy man. The relationship as a whole lacks trust.

Yes and I think when that is deeply rooted, it is difficult to change. How do you change it (genuine question)? Also, can somebody explain why he is the one now not talking to me while I am trying to be conciliatory???

(And I don't know how to stop wanting / needing his affection/attention, while he literally often seems not to notice me at all - I definitely do need to find work and get out of the rut I am in).

OP apart from the finanicial issues there are other issues which are very worrying i.e. treating you with contempt, ignoring you and being nice to the children and not touching you at all. These issues alone show that there are problems in your marriage. I also think his attitude to his ex-wife is very telling.

You have an awful lot on your plate and I am not surprised that you are not sleeping. Why don't you put things out of your head for the moment and try to enjoy Christmas as best as you can? After Christmas is over make an appointment to see a solicitor to see where you would stand financially if you endedn your marriage. I am not saying you should end it but I think you should get advice. Don't tell your husband that you are taking legal advice.

I would also go to your doctor because you sound very anxious and you have an awful lot to deal with. It might help to talk to someone and your GP might be able to recommend a counsellor. I feel for you because you have an awful lot on your shoulders. Your dad is here and you should be able to enjoy time with him.

Try to put your worries on hold for the moment and make plans to get advice in the new year. You are not going to sort this all out in one day but try to relax in the meantime so that you can gather your strength.

'why?'

When trust and affection go out of a relationship, everything the other party does is irritating or suspicious. You're wary of him and don't believe he's telling the truth. He regards you with contempt. Any attempts on your part to be conciliatory will simply add to his contempt. When faced with bullying, you have to be very strong.

Also, can somebody explain why he is the one now not talking to me while I am trying to be conciliatory???

This is straightforward manipulation. He shuts you out because that is where he likes you - outside. He understands that this will make you feel sad, insecure and pleading. (He makes you do the 'pick me dance'.) When you feel needy enough, you will submit to his orders, as you did when you signed the tricky mortgage agreement.

It's deliberate.

He is nice sometimes and cruel sometimes. Neither seems particularly logical in the immediate circumstances. This is an inconsistent reward system, which is the most powerful means of creating addiction. It explains why you can't stop 'loving' him and are illogically anxious to make this relationship work.

"I don't know how to stop wanting / needing his affection/attention"

This is the effect of a controlling relationship, sadly. It creates high dependence and low self-esteem, both of which make it very difficult to break away emotionally. It won't always have been like that, of course, and that's part of the problem. If you find yourself thinking... 'if I was a better person, maybe he'd care for me enough to share his plans'.... that would be a typical psychological trap.

If you walked away tomorrow, you would most likely still crave his attention for quite some time.

Thank you browser for your lovely message. I did go to a solicitor in the spring when we were in yet another bad patch so have a rough idea of what would happen. For now I want to become detached and see where that takes me.

Thanks also cogito and garlic. Any ideas on how I can become less needy of his attention while still living together? I feel eternally left out of the affection he shows the dc. What can I do so that I don't mind/notice?

When faced with bullying, you have to be very strong. In what way cogito?

You mention he knows you come on here. I hope he's not reading this thread.

Delete your browsing history and log out of mn every single time.

You need to separate your worries. It's very overwhelming. go and see another sol and find out what might happen a year forward.

You won't be able to make him do a will of he doesn't want to. And yes he can change it as he sees fit, as can you. All assets are considered in a divorce ( including your flat share) so if your concern is that when he passes away you and your dc will be left with nothing, you should divorce and ensure something. Does he have dc with his ex?

If you do want to leave him to strongly suggest you stop asking him questions, gather paperwork and keep it elsewhere( even scanned, pics) on a new email and see a solicitor.

He is sounding worse and worse.

He is controlling, a bully, financially abusive and frankly he sounds like a greedy/selfish man.
This is a horrible thing to consider but does he treat you as if he likes you? It doesn't sound like he has much respect for you.

Seek legal advice asap. The situation sounds like it could get very messy if one or both of you decide enough is enough.

"Any ideas on how I can become less needy of his attention while still living together?!"

It's very difficult indeed because you will be surrounded by the same triggers, the same behaviour patterns, the same lies and mistrust, and the temptation will be to react in the usual way and be in exactly the same miserable place this time next year.

However, you can get the ball rolling by consciously deciding to change that. 'Detaching' some might call it. The tough but necessary part is to accept that the relationship is over. Once you're convinced about that decision start putting things in place to get you from here to independence. Visualise a happier future for yourself and make it happen. Legal advice, gathering paperwork, getting moral and practical support... a plan.

"I don't know how to stop wanting / needing his affection/attention"

This is the effect of a controlling relationship, sadly. It creates high dependence and low self-esteem, both of which make it very difficult to break away emotionally.

Cogit - this is beautifully expressed and nails it totally.

OP - I had an affair with a MM who behaved liked this to me. I ended up utterly obsessed with him and wondering why it was I was so "in love" with someone who I could see was unkind and cruel to me. It just got worse and worse.

I was like a puppy trying to please it's master or a cat bringing in mice. "Look at me! Look at what I've done! Please love me!". It was utterly pathetic. He was never impressed no matter what I did. Like you, I thought if I was tough and hard and less needy,things would be better. They never do get better.

Emotional abuse and controlling behaviour takes a MASSIVE toll on your self-esteem and the worst bit is that it is a slow creep so you don't realise how small, rotten and stunted yourself worth has become.

To put it in context, I've been no contact with this man for months. A couple of weeks a go a male friend was a bit drunk and told me that he'd always thought we had a lot of chemistry and in another life we'd have got married. I was amazed because I was actually shocked that a man might want me. I don't mean this man; I mean that any man might be interested in me. I never used to feel like this.

It is hell getting away from someone you are, in effect, addicted to. It takes ages to not think about him all the time.

But if you are asking "how to be less needy" it means that he is not making you feel secure. And why would someone who loves you do that? Well, they wouldn't would they?

SL you should change your name