Have this evening found out that h has been lied to me about an investment property which he has bought

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which he didn't tell me about at the time.

I found the documents relating to this property along with those of a property I do know he bought (which he was open about) a few months ago, but when I asked him outright if he had bought this shop, he said that he had been planning to but had pulled out. Stupidly I chose to believe him .

Fast forward a few months and I gather from his movements that he has recently started using the premises. The penny dropped because of how defensive he was about where he was going today, obviously trying to hide what was in the boot of the car (which he was bringing there), and then an outright lie he told at the dinner table tonight. He also got very defensive when I asked him for some details telling me to "stop it" and "occupy myself with something else".

So the penny finally dropped. Those documents were real and he has started using the premises. He also lied the other day when I think he was there setting up (he was gone for hours), telling me he was somewhere else when I rang. Except that I could hear a loud radio in the background and the place he was talking (lying) about is a very quiet yoga school.

So then it took the easiest detective work imaginable to confirm what I thought. I found a business rates document at the top of his pile of paperwork left out . I also did a search on the land registry and sure enough the property does belong to him .

I have started a thread about this on AIBU but I don't think I worded it right. I really wanted, if possible, someone's opinion this evening as I have just found out and am a bit shell shocked.

There is stuff about me that h does not know either, but somehow I think his is worse . I can go into my stuff too but I really wanted an opinion on the above before I divulge what is going to take ages to write down.

Bottom line we obviously don't trust each other at all, but being lied to directly like that (and several times) is .

I think when people lie about something so big, it ceases to be a relationship. I mean, what's the point? It's just two people living in the same house.

You haven't ever expressed a wish to open a shop and he's bought you one for christmas...?

I think what happened is that he bought it as an investment - to basically sit on until it may (or may not!) appreciate. He didn't say anything to me about it at the time (I am guessing) because I had expressed annoyance at his having bought another property with his brother. It is true that these are business ventures, and I have come to understand that h does not think I have any kind of input here. For ages I was telling him I thought we should sell the family home to pay off the mortgage and move into a cheaper house, but I came to realise that he was never going to want to do that. He would rather
go down the speculate to accumulate route and maybe he is right - he also owns a couple of other properties which he rents out. It is true that he should run the business as he sees fit, but not to mention that he had bought a shop is something completely new and feels very hurtful. He also buys all the properties in just his name which has been an issue for me. The family home is also in his name only. I think another reason he may not have mentioned the purchase of the shop is that it is round about that time that I was asking
him if the next family home we bought (not that I think we are ever going to move out of this one as h has no intention of budging unless it's to very specific locations that I don't want to go to) could be in both our names. I think he did not want to go down this route with me (never had any intention) but mainly didn't want to be caught up in an argument about it. Maybe he intended to re-sell it without anyone ever being any the wiser, I don't know. Or (as my Dad has been suggesting) to rent it out - here again it need never be known about.

Regarding the futons, I don't think he is opening a futon shop there but was using the space as a workshop to make some mattresses. I don't know what he intends for the shop long term but while he is deciding, I suppose
a workshop space is useful. Or for all I know it has already been rented out and that has fallen through. Aargh the possibilities are endless and I am driving myself mad with it.

Mainly I am hurt that he has started going to this place (and I drove to have a look at it tonight but couldn't see anything as the shutters were down) and isn't telling anyone about it - either myself or the dc.

The information that I hadn't passed on to him is that I now own half of the flat my sister lives in. That half belonged to my Dad but he has transferred it to my name (partly to cover an inheritance that I got after my Mum died, and partly as a gift). I didn't tell h straight away (it took place about 3 / 4 months ago) because I thought it would open a can of worms that I wouldn't be able to handle. H owns what I thought were 5 (but now it turns out 6 or who knows how many others ) properties. There is a mortgage which must be quite big but again I don't know the figure. Another thing h and I argued over was having a will and life insurance (I wanted us to have all this, h does not and will not compromise). At the time of my Dad transferring half of the flat to me, I thought that h would see it as a green light to somehow not provide
for me (should he be making a will without my knowing). Anyway it's all very convoluted and mistrustful.

So I told h about my half of the flat this morning and actually I feel better for doing it. He didn't say "why have you only just told me" - and why would he since I think he has owned the invisible shop since about March or April .

It was childish to think that that would mean h made an instant confession re. the shop, but I guess that's what I was hoping. Anyway he didn't. I suppose, also, that he has told two blatant lies now and it's difficult to get out of that.

I just feel really hurt that he is going to this place that he thinks of as secret from all of us. Like I am completely shut out of a part of his life. Of course I am now also wondering what else he may be lying about or may have lied about in the past.

Would you confront him about the shop if you were in this situation?

I think the reason he wanted to jump on the buy more property bandwagon, is that the bank were offering him a loan for the first time in ages and he thought he would take the opportunity to buy property to make money on, rather than carry on renovating other people's properties (which is what he does on a day to day basis).

Am also wondering what the basement part of this shop and basement consists of - in my darkest moments I am imagining that that could be converted into a love pad for him and whatever girlfriend I might not know about.

Goodness! Why all this secrecy??! Just confront him directly and tell him you know. Its time you both sat down and get everything out in the open including all your past issues like a will and having your name on the house etc.

I don't understand why either of you is married to the other. It doesn't sound like a very fun relationship. Is life good excluding all this property faff?

No well we have had lots of relationship problems over the past few years and did go and see a counsellor about 2 years ago but h stopped coming after about 5 sessions. H can be critical, short tempered and rude. He is also prone to not speaking for ages after an argument. All this has caused many problend and my sister is convinced we just don't get on. I have this notion that things will be better once I have a job and am more independent.

We have 3 dc so the idea of splitting is very difficult.

You are right. It is not fun and it is property faff!

So you're both liars.

It's mind boggling that a married couple could behave like this with each other. What is the point of being together and having children if you don't trust each other?

Like I am completely shut out of a part of his life.

Sweetheart, you genuinely are shut out of most of his life. I totally see that your keeping quiet about your sister's flat was a defensive move. But it actually makes no difference.

Refusing to take out life insurance or make a joint will is the clearest possible statement that he sees you as irrelevant. You appear to be something peripheral, like a spare car or something, with which he wants no lasting involvement.

Are you married? If you are, I strongly advise you to see a solicitor about marital property rights, which sound extremely complicated in your case. Not a 'conciliatory' family lawyer, but a hard & stern one with financial expertise.

I hope you're enjoying the weekend with your dad, but this must be putting a strain on you.

What do you want to do? He isn't magically going to become a man who shares. And it doesn't matter it's on only his name, if you divorce. All assets, before and during marriage are on the table ( legally)

Splitting up will be difficult and complicated, sure, but you only have one life.

you say he's bad tempered- so what is it that makes you think you might want to stay? Mentally, leaving is a long process.

Do you have a will? If not, and you don't have any money (do you work?) then find a firm who does the donation and free will thing. You can leave your share to your dc with a trustee. He doesn't need to know.

He might have a will you know nothing about which leaves everything to his family ( brother). A divorce will sort that out.

Do people really conduct their relationships like this ?

Prob best you are not named on all his properties. Sounds to me like this tool will be bankcrupt within five years.

To be honest I think your marriage is probably doomed if both of you feel the need to conceal pretty huge things like taking ownership of a property from one another.

If I were you I would leave the other properties in his name only and insist that you are added to the deeds of your family home. Otherwise when this all goes tits up you risk losing it.

So you're both liars. Joysmum people come here for support not to be browbeaten when they are trying to sort things out and are at a very low ebb. Similarly AF. It took me quite a lot of courage to write what I wrote and am trying to sort things out. Clearly I have pretty major problems or I wouldn't be awake half the night on a forum.

(I don't think you were browbeatin AF but I would really like not to be conducting my relationship in this manner and don't feel I have a huge amount of choice in the matter).

Forgot the g

He might have a will you know nothing about which leaves everything to his family ( brother). This does scare me and is something I have thought about quite a lot. I am guessing not, because part of the reason he refused to get one done is that he doesn't want to tempt fate. He is also very anti the whole money making law / insurance game and thinks it's all a bit of a con (but will use those services when it comes to his business ). The thing is however - especially given the ease with which he denied that property was his after I had found the legal document - he could have done anything and just not want me to know. Even if we did do wills together he could at some point retract it or change it without my knowing so you're never out of the quagmire of mistrust . What makes this even worse is that I am in the process of getting my will done in favour of the dc as I would like what is effectively my parents' money to go eventually to their grandchildren and not into a pot which I know little about and have no control over.

I figure h will have enough money anyway but how can I want him to make a will in my favour when at the same time I am leaving what I have (much much less than what he has) to the dc .

If I were you I would leave the other properties in his name only and insist that you are added to the deeds of your family home. I have asked h about this a few times but he is beyond stubborn and refuses. He is divorced already and very bitter about his ex wife getting the family home so very mistrustful of my motives for asking.

Sounds to me like this tool will be bankrupt within five years. I know what you are saying simontowers but h is quite good at keeping things afloat and works very hard - is a workaholic. I think he is playing the long game with these properties though I gather that he has run out of money to finish the one he is working on with his brother which is why he is working so hard in his normal job.

I guess my marriage is not how I would like it to be and couldn't be called a marriage, but I do feel that h is the person who sets the parameters.

You appear to be something peripheral, like a spare car or something, with which he wants no lasting involvement. I think he could take me or leave me as it were. He knows the dc need me. He is quite hard nosed, practical and utilitarian in his way of being. Not comfortable with expressing emotion at all unless it's with dc. Or maybe he just hates me.

I am glad my Dad is here garlic (thanks for calling me sweetheart ) but do feel very strained. Felt like a zombie yesterday after so little sleep and couldn't stop worrying about the 'should I ask him about the shop' issue. Think I am going to have to, but am scared of what his reaction will be or, even worse, that he might deny it again .

Have thought about leaving but the pain was so acute one time when it looked like it was going to happen that I then said that I would rather stay married but have a closer relationship. Which is true.

Thank you for all your messages and apologies for the multiple posts.

(And who knows how many other "shops" h might have ).

That was meant to be a .

He is divorced already and very bitter about his ex wife getting the family home so very mistrustful of my motives for asking.

Being in the deeds makes no difference in the event of divorce.

I just imagine that your stomach is knotted permanently. You can't go on with this kind of relationship. It's sad that he's punishing you for his previous marriage.

Being in the deeds makes no difference in the event of divorce. I know, and pointed this out to him, which annoyed him even more.

I just imagine that your stomach is knotted permanently. Yes it quite often is! I think he is punishing me for his previous marriage. He is generally quite cynical. Thanks for the flowers.

You can send a form to the land registry which registers your Home Rights (google it) and gives you some legal protection as it means yr H cant sell the family home secretly.

He will be notified when you do this and probably won't be happy.