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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I going crazy? More of a handhold I suppose.

77 replies

Pacificrum · 18/12/2014 18:54

Been with H for years, it's always been tempestuous but we are trying to ride it out. Small children have made it hard (I have another thread somewhere).

He's come home from work do and is being completely horrible. Texting away looking smug and I'm
Sitting here furious as he's trying to get a reaction. It worked sadly.

We were supposed to go out tonight but the arguing means cancelled plans and general fuck up of it all.

I'm at my wits end. At home all day everyday with the children with no support at all.

I feel like I'm drowning in it all and I want to disappear. To him I'm just the mother all home and his mother was marvellous so why can't I be!

I want to scream! I feel invisible and he tells me he looks at me as though I because such a bitch to him.

I need some handholding please. Are the infant years always such a vile disconnect are is this just a doomed relationship?

OP posts:

UptheAnty · 19/12/2014 09:09

You don't actually need to do anything immediately... But you do need to start facing reality soon.

He's not supporting you & you can't go on in this vein. Stop waiting for him to realise his part in this and start protecting yourself.

You can't keep repeating the same behavior and then be surprised that the outcome is the same.

Original poster

Pacificrum · 19/12/2014 09:16

He refusing to engage in conversation that he doesn't agree with even if it's something which is upsetting me and it's hurtful so then I get angry and upset and then he gets even angrier and the whole cycle starts.

OP posts:

UptheAnty · 19/12/2014 09:21

He's stonewalling & gas lighting you.

This is cruel & controlling behavior.

Do you have access to his phone etc?

It seems like he's dead set on painting you as the bad guy & himself as the victim- why do you think that is?

Leeza2 · 19/12/2014 09:29

Why don't you separate ? Then you can go for counselling by yourself and discuss all these issues that you have with a cousellor .

That will help you work out what the problems really are and what you want to do about it .

You sound emotionally and physically exhausted . I'm also wondering if you could have PND as your youngest is only a year old

Quitelikely · 19/12/2014 09:31

If you want to discuss things with him and he won't engage, then you have to approach it differently.

He is at work, get a sitter and discuss then or write an email detailing everything in your initial post. You want him to hear you but maybe your approach is wrong, slightly aggressive.

You need to focus on why you are both fed up, tired stressed with kids, do you need to reconnect?

You need time together to do that. How are you going to get it?

It sounds like he has shut down from you emotionally and you are kicking back. All well and good but it's not going to solve things is it

Original poster

Pacificrum · 19/12/2014 09:34

Yes have full access to all tech work included.
I've booked a therapy session for is both and just sent the details to him. Usually sitter is booked so will get the agency to find another.
Yes he is gas lighting and stonewalling it's what he does and it's soul destroying. I'm not at the point of separating just yet.

OP posts:

WipsGlitter · 19/12/2014 09:34

You both sound trapped in a very negative and destructive cycle of behaviour. Would he be up for couples counselling or would you think of doing that on your own?

Quitelikely · 19/12/2014 09:38

Sitters.co.uk is a good agency

UptheAnty · 19/12/2014 09:41

Well done for booking the appointment op- has he agreed to go?

Original poster

Pacificrum · 19/12/2014 09:53

In a way he agreed but this is his last chance I've said I will try and make this work until I'm forced to walk away. I just got I'm in the office can deal with you right now.

Thanks quite likely if our usually agency can't sort something out I'll have a look at that one.

OP posts:

Leeza2 · 19/12/2014 11:47

Pacific - what would " force you to walk away " ?

magoria · 19/12/2014 11:56

Next time he 'accidentally' pushes you, he had the choice not to get passed you through shoving you over, he made a different one, falling and hitting your head could leave your children motherless.

He offered no compassion or worry for you simply stated it was your fault. That is scary cold.

Don't bury you head in the sand and consider it an accident.

He chose to go past you, pushing you with enough force you fell over.

He didn't give a shit after he did it.

You need help before next time.

Original poster

Pacificrum · 19/12/2014 12:31

He has apologised and said it was wrong but it's partly my fault he explodes because of the things I say and he won't accept full responsibility for me hitting my head. He then said he's not putting up with this bullshit and hung up.

I told him what ever he may think this is actually some form of domestic violence and he won't accept it. He thinks I'm being unreasonable and doesn't care I got hurt.

What would make me walk away? An OW I suppose or if he didn't anything to the children in any way.

OP posts:

LoisChristmasPuddingLane · 19/12/2014 12:44

The man is a turd. Why on earth would you stay with him?

Leeza2 · 19/12/2014 12:54

Don't you think that living like this might be adversely affecting the children ? What you have told you 12 year old about the marks on your face ?

Original poster

Pacificrum · 19/12/2014 12:54

No marks so totally unaware of what's happened.

OP posts:

Leeza2 · 19/12/2014 12:56

Most 12 year olds will notice if their parents argue all the time and there are fights . They are not stupid

Leeza2 · 19/12/2014 12:58

What kind of therapy have you booked? Is it marriage counselling or something else ? Have you been before ?

I'm asking because I think that Relate will not offer you counselling together if there is violence or abuse . They will want to see you alone

LoisChristmasPuddingLane · 19/12/2014 12:59

Of course they are aware. Children ALWAYS know there is something going on.

Original poster

Pacificrum · 19/12/2014 13:37

No not relate, private couples therapy. He's not usually abusive and has never laid a finger on me or the children. This accident was a result of him being angry and storming out and shoving passed me it's horrific I know but it wasn't intentional.

It's still unacceptable as someone said the consequences could be fatal and I've told him that.

OP posts:

Original poster

Pacificrum · 19/12/2014 13:38

I meant 12 year old didn't know about me bashing my head but knows there was an argument.

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 19/12/2014 13:52

He sounds awful and abusive.
Please call Womens Aid and get their perspective on this.
He's really done a number on you from what you are writing here.
I hope you see what's going on sooner rather than later.
It's escalating and could get worse!
WA can help you with what is going on.

RubbishMantra · 19/12/2014 15:14

An ethical counsellor will not offer couples counselling for the same reason Relate won't. If DV is present in a relationship, the abuser will most likely use what is said within the safe environment of the counselling room against their partner, when they're alone. It's dangerous, and an ethical counsellor would NEVER offer couples counselling when DV is involved for that reason.

Can you book some counselling sessions just for yourself Pacific? Help you get some perspective on things? This reads as a very unhealthy and dangerous situation for you. It can be hard to see how bad it is, when you're in the midst of it all. The situation is surely untenable as it is?

Original poster

Pacificrum · 19/12/2014 15:18

It's an initial consultation with a similar organisation to relate and they specialise in this so I'll see what they say.

I'll probably set something up for myself too.

I want to try everything possible with the resources available before I walk away.

OP posts:

Miggsie · 19/12/2014 15:26

You are in a dreadful and dysfunctional relationship.
For your own mental and physical health you will have to leave.

For the moment I'd advise buying Lundy Bancroft's book "Why does he do that?" which describes all your husband's behaviours and how he won't change.

This will help you see your husband's actions are not your fault - they are his choice and he makes them, and he knows you are unhappy - he doesn't care.

Do not go into any form of joint counselling - he will use it to further abuse and demean you.

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